Verdict Is In: Jury Finds Kyle Rittenhouse ‘Based’ And ‘An Absolute Chad’

MADISON, WI—After minutes of deliberation, the jury in the murder trial of Kyle Rittenhouse has rendered the verdict that the defendant is in fact “Based” and “An Absolute Chad.”

The decision was read aloud by the foreman of the jury, despite the jury on Twitter already handing down their decision of Guilty on all charges way back on August 26, 2020.

Kyle Rittenhouse had been charged on multiple counts of murder after he shot several people amid the riotous looting that occurred in Kenosha in the name of social justice after the police shooting of Jacob Blake. It is possible that Rittenhouse didn’t get the memo that all the destruction and looting he saw was being done in the name of social justice.

Rittenhouse was pursued by a group of rioters who were threatening to kill him, according to eyewitness testimony. After a gunshot was fired by someone else, one man lunged at him to take his AR-15 away and consequently was shot. After that, Rittenhouse was pursued by two other attackers, one armed with a skateboard and the other with a handgun. In their attempt to harm him, they also were shot. After the prosecutor presented in full this exact sequence of expert defensive gun tactics, they sat down and checked Twitter to weigh their options for their best legal strategy.

After hearing eyewitness testimony that Rittenhouse was threatened and then physically attacked by several men, and watching the video footage showing him deftly defending himself, jurors could be heard murmuring amongst themselves, “Wow, based,” “What a unit,” and “I want to buy that kid a beer when we’re done here.”

At publishing time, the judge had handed down a sentence of a pack of Whiteclaws and a $100 gift card to Bass Pro Shops for “this absolute legend”.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.
39 replies
  1. Shar Graham
    Shar Graham says:

    Why are you writing lies ?? No verdict has come back yet …. The jury has been in deliberation for going on day 2 today … I’ve been following this trial daily and I’ve been waiting and watching for the verdict … This kid is not guilty and this prosecutor is a joke

    Reply
    • Geti
      Geti says:

      This article is fake. You can look it up online. The writers have fun by seeing how many people they can get to believe a lie. Sadly the writers of this article are attempting to sway public opinion against a child. Jury=Day 2 Deliberations 11/17

      Reply
      • Travis
        Travis says:

        It’s absolutely astonishing how many people don’t understand satire these days. This country truly is devolving into Idiocracy..

        Reply
  2. LeeR
    LeeR says:

    He’s innocent as it get’s. The more libtards dead the better. He did the right thing. This is where it’s all headed so get ready.

    Reply
    • DAD
      DAD says:

      You old men are really trying to burn down the world based on your sensitivities lol. Trying to be Jordan at the buzzer, game 6 of your final days LOL

      i can picture it:

      you’re old and fading and do not have much time..

      Russel picks you up at the top of the key…

      you are bitter and still lost in life, fading…

      4…

      3..

      a hail merry right as you expire:

      *no one is watching or cares except others that are fading or faded which you imagine*

      you execute views which alienate you from the world
      a world that is in the process of shedding you
      like so many dead skin cells

      just as your body regenerates itself until death, so does society

      a process of the new consuming the old, before it too is relegated to the same fate

      and consumed

      just as it has the generation before you; the one which you purported rebllion against… (or at once thought yourselves to… ultimately failing)

      a hail merry by negative disposition
      not the way you give yourselves what final light you have left, my friend

      even as thrilling as it is to feel hate and negative emotions, it leave you just as you are.. a quagmire of a person,
      who has lived a small life.

      hope you finding something to feel good about other than hatred of those different than you.

      old, dying pack animal

      dying pack

      dying animal

      i will be there someday too, but i will not tear down everything different from me as i go

      Reply
  3. jack
    jack says:

    its said that be carefull what you wish for you might just get your wish , I aim this saying at the ones that voted for Biden , see whats happining to your country , now injoy ,. A trump suporter , at least he got things done the rite way .Other countries had respect for the US , they were afraid of us , not any more . jack

    Reply
  4. Ben dover
    Ben dover says:

    Satire is beautiful. Tribalism has no place in modern society and yet we are more divided than ever. Three men tried to kill or seriously injure another man. Facts state he defended himself. White black Asian red or blue we would all defend our lives in the same scenario. But if you didn’t have a pistol or ar you likely would have been murdered by the first attacker.

    Reply
  5. Francis Przygoda
    Francis Przygoda says:

    The Constitution and the Bill of Rights prevail! Let the Beatings Begin” quote Bill Cosby. Court proceedings: The NewYork Times, Washington Post, CNN, MSNBC and on and on and on…

    Reply

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