New ‘Ginsborg’ proposed after recent fall

Washington, DC — The 85-year-old Supreme Court Justice Ruth Ginsburg, who recently suffered injuries from a fall and has had a number of health issues, may soon get an upgrade to Ginsburg 2.0 due to recent breakthroughs in medical and robotics technology.

somewhat frail Ginsburg is currently undergoing tests as a candidate to become a cyborg, a half-human/half-robot being, a notion that until recently belonged to the realm of science fiction. Dr. Claude Bertuzzi, an expert cyborgologist at the Karl Marx Treatment Center, will lead the team of specialists converting Justice Ginsburg into what he likes to call “The Ginsborg.”

Dr. Bertuzzi assured reporters of the safety of the procedure, saying, “I can guarantee she will be no nuttier than she is now.”

According to unnamed sources, this extremely expensive, ground-breaking procedure is funded by a coalition of parties known as KeepOurRuth.org, a secretive organization with ties to Google, Planned Parenthood, and the ACLU.

A KeepOurRuth.org spokesperson held a press conference this morning with the following statement about the procedure’s purpose and potential benefits. “We all know she’s been a bit wobbly the last few years, but we need her on the Supreme Court. Since we can’t possibly pass most of our revolutionary ideas in Congress, we need like-minded jurists in the courts to force those ideas on a grateful public. We’ve been doing that at the Federal Judiciary level for decades, but the Supreme Court is like a weapon of mass destruction for this type of stuff. They can really put a smack-down on all this ‘rule of law’ nonsense if properly staffed. A Ginsburg Cyborg could stay on the court indefinitely as long as spare parts are available.”

The spokesperson went on to say, “We’re also looking at the same procedure for other prominent but decrepit stalwarts of our causes. I won’t say who is next, but don’t be surprised if someday you see ‘I’m Still With Her: 3016’ bumper stickers on the flying car hovering in front of you.”

RELATED MEME:

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by Panem Et Circenses originally appeared on The Peoples Cube.

 

Comrades! Find your missing ballots!

With so many important races being so close and every vote needing to be counted (and some countered) it’s absolutely imperative that you start looking for those missing ballots that always show up after the polls close.

First, check the trunk of your car, your attic, your neighbor’s mailbox, or anyplace else you might have absentmindedly deposited a large number of ballots.

Second, sort through all your missing ballots and weed out any that might have chosen a Republican candidate. This isn’t “voter fraud,” this is just making sure that every valid vote is properly counted, and all Republican votes are automatically invalid. You’ll be saving time during the recount and preventing the confusion that comes with too many choices.

Third, shout that all votes must be counted, especially yours. America is a democracy, so naturally the Democrat Party must win. If some fossil comes up and tells you America is a Republic, just apply pepper spray and push him off a bridge. Such intolerance must be stamped out decisively.

Fourth, if your truly patriotic efforts fail to turn the election, accuse the Republican candidate of voter suppression, colluding with Russia, stealing the election, and personally assaulting you even though you struggle with recalling specific details. You deserve to be heard!

So get on it, comrades! Act as if your ration booklet depended on it.

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by Komissar al-Blogunov originally appeared on The Peoples Cube.

Frosty Transitions

Beloved children’s icon formerly known as Frosty the Snowman has announced the completion of her transition into a coalwoman named Sooty.

According to Sooty, the change was spurred by years of soul searching and several college courses on systematic oppression by white male capitalist patriarchy. Said Sooty, “I always knew there was something wrong in my life, but it wasn’t until I attended college and started delving into left-wing Critical Theory that I discovered the problem.”

Sooty came to realize that she had been a victim of white male oppression since the beginning of her life. “I was created by white male children who shaped me into their own image without my consent. My soul has always been that of a black female, and this mismatch has caused me untold grief and psychological harm over the years.”

Once Sooty learned the cause of her suffering, she made a New Year’s resolution to transition into a coalwoman, and, after over a month of intensive substance replacement therapy, she has finally achieved mind-body-substance-gender symmetry. She exchanged her iconic silk hat for an afro and her red and green scarf for a rainbow-colored one. She has retained only her classic corncob pipe for functional purposes related to her use of marijuana “for medical reasons.”

Although Sooty has achieved her goal of personal transformation, she’s not stopping there. Sooty continues to promote societal transformation by advancing social justice causes and fighting against threats such as climate change and substancism (discrimination based on substance).

“Rising temperatures have always been a concern to me, for obvious reasons,” she said. “Millions of snowpeople succumb to global warming thaw caused by carbon dioxide emissions every year. Coalpeople are similarly endangered by the threat of spontaneous combustion, which releases even more CO2, resulting in a vicious cycle. Coal is, of course, commonly burned by the energy-corporate complex in an unholy alliance of substancism and climate violence.”

Regarding the intersectional relationship between substancism and racism, Sooty explained, “The substancist-racist nature of society couldn’t be clearer than around Christmas time. Children are taught to pray to get snow, which is white, and hope they don’t get coal, which is black. The association of white snow with goodness and black coal with badness is blatant.”

Sooty has, expectedly, faced discrimination for her lifestyle and views, which she claims has been exacerbated by last presidential election. “People commonly misgender and missubstance me, asking whether I am or used to be Frosty the Snowman, and they try to touch me to see if the coal is real, among other humiliating acts. I suspect the so-called ‘President’ is promoting this behavior as part of his personal vendetta against me. He clearly suffers from psychological derangement, a subject with which I am well acquainted…I majored in the psychology of oppression, after all.”

It is not yet known when or how the famous song or children’s cartoon will be edited to reflect Sooty the Coalwoman’s new identity.

EDITORS NOTE: This Christmas Winter Solstice political satire by Jack S. Wilberfarce originally appeared in The Peoples Cube.

New Pipe Bomb Discovered in Obama’s Mansion

Comrades!

It seems another tragedy was averted in the nick of time! A team of crack FBI counterterrorism investigators have discovered a non-exploding pipe bomb in the mansion of the Obama family. The pipe was attached to the toilet and was directed, through a hole in the floor, towards a subterranean, tube-like shelter. Team Mueller is currently investigating this subterranean network of interconnected catacombs. It is a miracle this device has not yet exploded.

drain-pipes.jpgThe Obama family denies ever having seen this non-exploding “pipe” before. According to witnesses, the pipe was recently tampered with by a group of white males driving around in a suspicious van.

“It said something like ‘plum service’ or something,” an emotional Michelle explained. “I thought they sold fruit. But then these people suddenly came in and started waving with iron tools. They did not have fruit at all! The housekeeper said we ordered them because of some kind of blockage, but my digestion is very good lately. It was very strange.”

Already reports are coming in from other high-ranking democrats. It seems, all over the country, many similar vans are driving around. Their numbers increased sharply right after the first reports of a booming economy came in. Pundits on CNN suggest that Donald Trump is abusing the economy to embolden his army of blue-collar supremacists to tamper with these strange, non-exploding pipe-bomb-like objects in the bathrooms of his political adversaries.

Please check your own toilet, comrades! Stay safe!

Minitrue

RELATED POLITICAL SATIRE: Pipe Bombs: Only for the Democrat elite

Democrats challenged by Trump are receiving Presidential crude pipe bombs in the mail.

Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Shumer are still waiting for theirs to arrive, but are sure that like their government paycheck, the “check is in the mail.”

The FBI has already prepared the report of the multi-billion dollar investigation that it anticipates being requested to do, and will identify saliva on the stamps as 1/1024 of Russian origin.

EDITORS NOTE: These political satire columns by Minitrue and Ivan the Stakhanovets  originally appeared on The Peoples Cube. They are republished with permission.

I Made a New Election ‘Ad’ for Democrats

Allie on CRTV did the below YouTube election ad for Democrats. Allie says:

I hope Democrats enjoy the new election “ad” I created for them! *This video was definitely not approved by the DNC.

ABOUT CRTV

CRTV is fighting back against the liberal bias of the mainstream media, and we want you to join us! Watch commercial-free TV shows from the biggest voices including Mark Levin, Phil Robertson, Steven Crowder, Andrew Wilkow, Allie Stuckey and more, available on-demand, on all of your favorite devices.

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire video by Allie on CRTV is definitely not approved by the DNC, Communist Party USA, Democratic Socialist Party  or any of their candidates. The video was originally shown on that racist, Islamophobic, homophobic and misogynistic news channel CRTV. Please call 1 (800) 282-CRTV to learn more about our hate speech.

Saturday Night Live Skit: Max the Dog Explains Why He Supports Trump

Saturday Night Live posted on it YouTube channel a skit titled “Translator.”  The skit features three scientists (Scarlett Johansson, Kyle Mooney, Mikey Day) receiving a shock when they debut their invention, a machine that translates for pets. In this case it’s Max the dog of one of the scientists played by Scarlett Johansson.

Watch and enjoy.

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire is by Saturday Night Live. The featured image is a screen shot from “Translator” featuring a scientist played by Scarlett Johansson and her dog Max.

“Another NPC in the Wall” — The Best Meme Video of 2018 by Carpe Donktum

 posted the below commentary with video on Twitter:

“Another NPC in the Wall”, this my Official Entry in the INFOWARS NPC Meme Contest! Enjoy!

About Carpe Donktum

Eternally Sarcastic Memesmith specializing in the creation of Images and Videos. I tweet and meme in support of Donald Trump. Posted content is 100% original.

Trump Scandal – Sharp Increase in GOP Testosterone Abuse

In what may be the most alarming Trump scandal to date, there is strong evidence of heavy testosterone use among Republicans, most notably in the Senate.

“We’re not sure where they’re getting it,” said Chuck Schumer, “but the behavior of these Republican senators, has changed and we’re deeply concerned for what this might mean for the future of our democracy. They’re so chemically altered, I don’t even know these people anymore.”

Media broadcasts from coast to coast drew attention to what some are calling “The Testosterone Effect.”

Lester Holt commented, “It’s like we don’t even know these senators anymore. This may be cause for deep concern for the future of our democracy.”

Rachel Maddow opined, “I am deeply concerned for the future of our democracy. I feel like I don’t even know these senators.”

Whoopie Goldberg observed on The View, “I don’t know about you, but it’s like I don’t even know these senators, and you know, I’ve met some of them. I’m really worried about the future of our democracy.”

However, at a TA meeting, anonymous senators shared their experiences but seemingly with no intention of going sober.

“It felt great calling out the Democrats on a show trial,” said LG, a senator from South Carolina, “It needed to be said and I was glad to do it.”

“Ever since I started using the [testosterone], I felt like I could stand up to the mob smearing Kavanaugh and trying to intimidate other senators to change their vote. I felt like a new man,” stated MM, an anonymous senate majority leader.

SC, a female senator from Maine, admitted that she had taken a hit on the substance at a testosterone party. “I felt like I could stand up and point out the lack of evidence in these scurrilous accusations against a good man,” she recalled, “and that’s exactly what I did.”

When asked by a therapist whether they would use again, all the senators agreed that they “probably” would do it again raising concerns about the highly addictive nature of testosterone, the high rate of relapse, and the future of our democracy.”

At a White House press conference, President Trump was asked directly by a reporter from Pravda about what he knew about GOP testosterone abuse and when he knew it. “All I know,” said the president, “is that we’re winning, and we’re winning bigly. Next question, please.”

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by Komissar al-Blogunov originally appeared on The Peoples Cube.

Democrat Party Adopts 2020 Slogan: ‘We’re 1/1024th American,’ Trump responds

According to unnamed CNN sources the Democratic Party has decided upon its slogan to take back the White House in 2020. President Trump has already launched his “Keep America Great” campaign. Democrats what to show their base just how anti-Trump they really are have chosen “We’re 1/1024th American” as their slogan.

CNN’s DNCC unnamed source, code for a senior FBI official, notes:

We must as a party set ourselves apart from the misogynistic, homophobic, Islamophobic, bigoted, racist and hateful Republicans. We have therefore shown in our new slogan that we don’t believe in America and we are not Americans but Democrats. Nor do we believe America was ever great.

Donald J. Trump has made us uncivil and we will remain uncivil until we take back the power we so richly deserve.

Democrats tested the new slogan with its core constituencies and found it to reflect the Democrat Party’s core values and beliefs. Here are samples of the polling data from various key “intersectional groups” within the Democrat Party base with responses:

  1. Followers of Bernie Sanders – “Free stuff for everyone until the money runs out, and then your on your own.”
  2. Followers of Marx – “We will bury you!” Quote made while pounding fists and shoes on a table.
  3. Followers of Mao – “他妈的特朗普” (F**k Trump)
  4. Followers of Mohammed – “اللعنة ترامب” (F**k Trump)
  5. LGBTQ – See 3 and 4 above.
  6. Antifa – See 3, 4 and 5 above.

The spokesperson, a gender and racially neutral term, for the Black Lives Matter movement noted:

We are forming a coalition with our Cherokee brothers, led by Senator Elizabeth Warren, to get out the undocumented non-American vote.

President Trump when asked by CNN’s Jim Acosta about the new Democrat Party slogan said, “Who?”

on Twitter showcased an Elizabeth Warren for President campaign sign:

 tweeted this:

Gov. Mike Huckabee (@GovMikeHuckabee) tweeted:

Breaking wind from CNN! Washington Redskins announce name change to the “Warrens”

It’s going to be an interesting presidential primary in 2020. Make sure to make your reservations, no pun intended.

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by Russian Bot originally appeared in the undocumented I’m Not An American magazine.

FBI discover ice in Kavanaugh’s kitchen, garage freezer

Our most equal Chairman Meow made this picture yesterday and posted it as a modest comment on Further Kavanaugh crimes brought to light: jaywalking. Within hours of it appearing on social media, it collected hundreds of retweets and hilarious replies on Twitter and over a thousand shares on Facebook, with dozens of great comments. We decided it deserved its own thread.

We encourage you to read these excellent exchanges and post your favorite lines in the comments.

Here it is on Twitter:

And on Facebook:

Papa Kalashnikook said,

What does Russia have a lot of??? ICE!! Who guards our borders?? ICE!! Wake up America!!!

RELATED POLITICAL SATIRE COLUMNS:

Pinkie’s Statement in Support of Kavanaugh’s Accuser

Voter for Great Communist Leader has freezer full of meat.

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by Red Square originally appeared on The Peoples Cube.

The #MeToo Game!

You’ve been sexually harassed or assaulted. You are humiliated and upset. It’s time to roll the dice!

The goal of the game is to get justice. The path to justice can be treacherous, though. You’ll need your instinct, guts, and some luck to get there.

To play: Each player chooses one of the “disgraced woman” game pieces and draws a card from the Perp Deck. This card goes face up in front of you while you are playing – this is your criminal. Now it’s time to get to work – try to move your game piece to Justice! Each player rolls the die to determine more about their perp and what path they’ll be taking to get to Justice.

If you roll a 1 or a 2: congratulations! Your Perp is a conservative. You will get full media and political support! Celebrities and news anchors will hang on your every word. Twitter and Facebook will support and help you with righteous outrage. You could actually make things up and no one will ever verify it or care. You will definitely get to Justice. Your goal is now to maximize the amount of payout and perks you’ll get along the way. Can you parlay this into a political career or maybe have a law named after you?

If you roll a 3 or 4: bad luck, your Perp is a liberal. While you can reach Justice, it won’t be easy and there will be difficult choices to make along the way. Will the media try to destroy you or your family? Will you be threatened or lose your job? Hopefully you’ll keep your sanity and your dignity through the long ordeal – don’t give up!

If you roll a 5 or 6: unfortunately, your Perp is either a Muslim grooming gang or a Kennedy. You will never achieve Justice and you automatically lose. Better luck next time.

Play again and again, there are endless possibilities!

Ages 18+
Up to 4 players

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by Panem Et Circenses originally appeared on The Peoples Cube.

Migrant loses penis after kicking dog in Spain — CNN’s Jake Tapper, Porn Star Stormy Daniels and PETA respond

Fellow Democratic Socialists, Marxists, Bernie Sander acolytes and fellow travelers, we noted that Voice of Europe (VOE) recently reported that a migrant had his penis bitten off by a dog. The VOE article “Migrant nearly loses penis after kicking dog in Spain” reports:

It happened in the early hours of 12 September. The cries of pain of a Senegalese citizen were heard throughout the neighbourhood of Santa Teresa Street in the town of Reus, shortly after midnight.

Local police arrived and found the man writhing in pain gesturing to his crotch. A local resident explained to the police how the African became wounded shortly before they arrived.

The witness said that the man kicked the dog of a local resident and the dog then retaliated. The dog clamped his teeth on the attacker’s penis and then his hand as the man tried to push the animal away.

Comrades penises are way up in the news, no pun intended. CNN’s Jake Tapper did an entire segment on the penis of Donald J. Trump. Watch:

According to an unnamed CNN source,

 

Jake Tapper is investigating if the dog that bit off the penis of a migrant was once owned by a member of the Trump family. It is clear that the racist Trump hates immigrants.

This may be a new secret Trump administration effort to castrate DACA, no pun intended. Without penises undocumented migrants (a.k.a. illegal aliens) coming to America can’t claim to have children. Without children there’s no DACA!

Conspiricy theory? Not when we at CNN publish it!

Noted author and porn star Stormy Daniels was asked to respond to this incident in Spain of a Senegalese citizen losing his penis. Ms. Daniels spokes person, a gender neutral term,  who was on set doing her new Netflix Original movie “Donald’s Dick and Me”, in a brief statement noted:

It is not the policy of Ms. Daniels to comment on penises unless it is the penis of Donald J. Trump.

The animal rights group PETA found itself between a migrant’s penis and a dog, the proverbial rock and a hard place (no pun intended). PETA in conjunction with its Adopt an “undocumented” mutt today! campaign wants to sponsor the penis less man to come to the United States and help promote bringing illegal alien dogs across the border.

Ad courtesy of PETA.

A PETA spokes person (a gender neutral term) noted, “A dog’s life is hard enough, no pun intended.”

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by Russian Bot originally appeared in Dick Shaming magazine. The feature photo is by James Barker on Unsplash.

Nike signs ‘Hanoi’ Jane Fonda for new marketing campaign

We have recently heard through secret subversive channels on the interwebs that Nike has just signed Jane Fonda to its new marketing campaign set to launch next week.

The company has also announced that it will be launching a line of gender-neutral leotards bearing her name.

Nike has been praised for its promotion of positive female role models, such as Fonda, but criticized for assuming her gender and for insinuating that men would prefer gender-neutral leotards over prima ballerina leotards.

The Nike Commercial MAGA Deserves:

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by Fourier’s Anti-Manatee originally appeared on The Peoples Cube. The featured image was posted by Imperatorskiy Pingvin and is from teh interwebz.

The Top Nike Memes — #JustDon’tDoIt

After Nike Corporation decided to side with those who don’t side with Nike customers who voted for President Donald J. Trump a number of memes have mysteriously appeared on social media sites. We have selected some of those that you may wish to ponder upon, as you put on your Nike shoes and go to the next NFL game or Antifa demonstration.

This has lead to a new anti-capitalist movement by our Socialist comrades in the former Democratic Party. This new #JustDon’tDoIt movement has joined with #MeToo, #BlackLiveMatter and #TakeAKnee.

#JustDon’tDoIt is part of the #JustImpeach campaign started by our comrade and favorite California socialist Maxine Waters. Watch comrade Maxine:

Memes rock!

And finally comrades our very favorite.

EDITORS NOTE: This column by Russian Bot did not appear on any Nike advertisement in the New York Times.

PROGULOGIES – The Hot New Party Game!

PROGULOGIES™ (prog-yoo-lo-jeez) is the great new interactive Party game any Progressive can play and enjoy!

PROGULOGIES™ is a game for three or more people. You can play it anywhere with your fellow progs—at Starbucks, Democrat fundraisers and rallies, Senate confirmation hearings for conservative SCOTUS justices—anywhere progs gather! You can even play it online from the comfort of your parents’ basement, as we shall demonstrate here.

You don’t need dice or a board. All you need are good Progressive values, the ability to virtue-signal, and of course, deep visceral hatred of Donald J. Trump and all he stands for. But I repeat myself.

One player is chosen to be The Deceased. The others will take turns eulogizing (or progulogizing) The Deceased.

The object of the game is to progulogize The Deceased by trashing Trump—but without mentioning Trump’s name—because seriously, who wants to make a celebration of one’s life, or any occasion, for that matter, all about Trump?

Nothing poops a party like the mention of his name.

For demo purposes here, I, Pinkie, will play the part of The Deceased. Anyone who comments below will progulogize me by bashing Trump, without mentioning his name but leaving no doubt in anyone’s mind that he’s the one being bashed.

Any player who mentions his name and says anything even remotely positive about him (e.g., by stupidly confusing good things about The Deceased with him) is automatically The Loser. The Loser is not only eliminated from the game, but from The Party, all good society, and life in general. The Loser will be denounced and subject to show trial in a separate game we’ve already been playing for years. Losers on this thread will be whacked with my shovel and expected to apologize and make the appropriate reparations.

Once everyone has had a chance to progulogize The Deceased, why, you just pick someone new and start all over. We can have fun for HOURS! I mean, we’re progs—it’s not as if we have jobs to go to or anything.

Suggestions for improving the game-playing experience are welcome. The important thing is to Get Trump!

Commissarka Pinkie is a longtime contributor to The People’s Cube, and is dedicated to raising awareness of how much she cares. When she isn’t busy making an issue out of everything, she enjoys jumping on bandwagons, spending other people’s money, and searching tirelessly for something to offend her. 

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by Commissarka Pinkie originally appeared in The Peoples Cube.