The People’s Cube is 17-years old (and we still don’t know its gender)!

As the People’s Cube turns 17 years old today, let us wish it success in denouncing and canceling enemies of world progress, luck in not being canceled in the process, and heroic compliance with government mandates that are only going to increase exponentially.

As everyone turning 17 should know, it is the exciting time when one must start being extra cautious about what one posts on social media. From now on, anything you say, post, film, and leave on a laptop that you forget to pick up from a repair shop in Delaware, can be used against you by people whose laptops haven’t been discovered yet.

It is also time you finally picked your gender, preferably different from the one assigned to you at birth, so that you can successfully sue your obstetrician of misgendering you 17 years ago and use that money to pay for college and start your adult life in style as defined for you by designated thought leaders.

That said, we would like to appeal to all of our members’ sense of progressivism, requesting a voluntary gender reassignment to any of the 72 genders as long as it’s not what you are currently known by. Voluntary compliance shall be strictly monitored.

Don’t worry about pronouns. We are already addressing one another as comrades, which is the best gender-neutral pronoun one can think of. Forget the confusing “they” or “them.” In the Glorious World of Next Tuesday, all gender-biased pronouns will be replaced with “comrade.”

Furthermore, your inner comrades must also undergo a corresponding inventory and gender reassignment. Those of you in possession of multiple inner comrades will be offered free consultations at the Karl Marx Treatment Center.

It is our hope that the Cube’s gender reveal party will be forthcoming!

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by Red Square on The Peoples Cube is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

14 Things The FBI Found In Donald Trump’s Safe

The FBI raided former President Trump’s Mar-a-Lago home and found incriminating evidence that he was once President of the United States of America! While they were there they spent over four hours cracking open a solid gold safe.

Here’s what they found:

  1. Thousands of McDonald’s receipts: Immaculate record keeping!
  2. Three pallets of Norvell Premium Sunless Tanning Solution, Dark 1: Only the best for our President!
  3. World’s best president mug: The mug has been detained for questioning.
  4. Barron’s Xbox controller because he’s grounded from Xbox: This is a relief. We thought he was ghosting us on Xbox Live.
  5. The kickstand for Biden’s bike: Sneaky!
  6. Obama’s actual birth certificate: Everyone was wrong. He was born in Zap, ND. Weird.
  7. A note that reads “You FBI guys are low IQ. Sad! Not good!”: This was found in a safe within a safe.
  8. Free verse, reflective poems: So sensitive!
  9. Several dozen copies of Home Alone 2: Lost in New York: Probably the inspiration for all the booby traps federal agents had to evade.
  10. The actual nuclear codes and not the fake ones he slipped to Biden: Wait a minute, wouldn’t the real president have the nuclear codes?
  11. Little tiny shampoos which were stolen from the White House bathroom: Ladies and gentlemen, we got him!
  12. Over a million unsent tweets: Carefully recorded and cataloged on papyrus scrolls.
  13. A signed agreement between Trump and Pence that he would not “mean tweet” Pence: Appears to be scrawled in crayon on a KFC napkin.
  14. The Mirror of Erised: When he looks into it he sees world peace.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Hunter Biden Breathes Sigh Of Relief As FBI Raid Team Passes By His House On Way to Mar-A-Lago

WEST PALM BEACH, FL — High-level Chinese asset and sex trafficker Hunter Biden breathed a sigh of relief this evening as an FBI raid team passed by his West Palm Beach vacation home to raid Donald Trump’s residence in Mar-a-Lago.

“Whew! Thought they had me for a minute there,” Biden sighed, according to sources before going back to smoking crack with a hooker on a pile of cash freshly delivered by Chinese agents. “Glad to know the FBI is still working for my Dad!”

The FBI arrived at Mar-a-Lago shortly after, but things got awkward after the FBI raid team ran into the FBI evidence planting team due to a scheduling mistake.


Michael Simmons’ doctor tells him he’s obese and needs to lose some weight – but the patient has the perfect comeback: he’s pregnant!

Subscribe to The Babylon Bee on YouTube


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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Brittney Griner Rewarded With 9 Years Of Not Hearing The U.S. National Anthem

MOSCOW — WNBA star Brittney Griner has been found guilty of drug trafficking charges in Russia. The judge has sentenced Griner to 9 years in a Russian penal colony where she will never have to hear America’s national anthem being played.

“I’m thrilled with this ruling,” said Griner to reporters. “For 9 years I will be free from the systemic racism of America and will never have to hear that awful national anthem being played. I look forward to living out the next decade far away in beautiful Russia.”

Sources close to Griner say she is also thrilled that she got the exact same sentence a man would have gotten for the exact same crime. “In Russia, they really seem to care about closing the sentencing gap between men and women,” she said.

Russian authorities say Griner will be given special tasks around the penal colony, such as reaching things on high shelves, pruning the tops of trees, and breaking large rocks into little rocks.

“I just want to say thank you to Vladimir Putin for saving me from the racist hellhole that is the United States, if only for 9 years,” said Griner.

At publishing time, President Biden proposed bringing Griner back home by exchanging her for Hunter Biden.


A Babylon Bee subscriber contributed to this report. If you want to get involved with the staff writers at The Babylon Bee, check out our membership options here!


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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

IRRATIONAL: California joins New York Declares Monkeypox State of Emergency, Biden Forms Monkeypox Task Force

Following in lockstep with the the other Failed Democrat state New York. The only thing deadly here is another stolen election.

Here we go. Democrat pre-election fear mongering and chaos in order to usurp, yet again, American elections.

People are not dying from Monkeypox, a predominantly gay sexually transmitted disease (the hysteria over this from everyone else is irrational and painful to watch).

California governor declares monkeypox state of emergency

By: Don Thompson, AP, July 3, 2022:

California governor declares monkeypox state of emergency

FILE – A man holds a sign urging increased access to the monkeypox vaccine during a protest in San Francisco, July 18, 2022. California’s governor on Monday, Aug. 1, 2022, declared a state of emergency to speed efforts to combat the monkeypox outbreak, becoming the second state in three days to take the step.

California’s governor on Monday, Aug. 1, 2022, declared a state of emergency to speed efforts to combat the monkeypox outbreak, becoming the second state in three days to take the step. (AP Photo/Haven Daley, File)

SACRAMENTO, Calif. (AP) — California’s governor on Monday declared a state of emergency to speed efforts to combat the monkeypox outbreak, becoming the second state in three days to take the step.

Gov. Gavin Newsom said the declaration will help California coordinate a government-wide response, seek more vaccines and lead outreach and education efforts on where people can get treatment and vaccination.

“We’ll continue to work with the federal government to secure more vaccines, raise awareness about reducing risk, and stand with the LGBTQ community fighting stigmatization,” Newsom said in a statement announcing his declaration.

Nearly 800 cases of monkeypox have been reported in California, according to state public health officials.

The monkeypox virus spreads through prolonged and close skin-to-skin contact, which can include hugging, cuddling and kissing, as well as through the sharing of bedding, towels and clothing. People getting sick so far have mainly been men who have sex with men, though health officials note that the virus can infect anyone.

“Public health officials are clear: stigma is unacceptable and counterproductive in public health response,” Michelle Gibbons, executive director of the County Health Executives Association of California said in a statement. “The fact is that monkeypox is primarily spread by skin to skin contact and sharing objects like bedding or towels, without regard to sexual orientation or gender identity.”

The type of monkeypox virus identified in this outbreak is rarely fatal, and people usually recover within weeks. But the lesions and blisters caused by the virus are painful, and they can prevent swallowing or bowel movements if in the throat or anus.

The declaration in California came after a similar one in New York state on Saturday, and in San Francisco on Thursday. Newsom’s administration had said as recently as Friday that it was too soon for such a declaration.

After pressing for Newsom to make such a declaration, Democratic state Sen. Scott Wiener of San Francisco hailed the governor’s decision.

“The monkeypox outbreak is an emergency, and we need to use every tool we have to control it,” Wiener said.

AUTHOR

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EDITORS NOTE: This Geller Report is republished with  permission. ©All rights reserved.

Climate Change Is Real. Here Are 10 Undeniable Proofs

As we swelter in the dog days of summer, even crotchety ol’ Grandpa Silas is starting to wonder if there might be something to this “climate change” thing after all. Well, we here at The Babylon Bee dug into the research and – to our great shock – ended up discovering ten absolutely undeniable proofs that climate change is real. Read ’em and weep, climate denier!

  1. It is hot. – If you go outside and it’s a bit toasty, you can’t deny it any longer: the climate is changing.
  2. It is cold. – If you go outside and it’s a bit nippy, you can’t deny it any longer: the climate is changing.
  3. It is raining. – Rain is absolute proof of climate change.
  4. It is not raining. – A lack of rain is absolute proof of climate change.
  5. It’s a pleasant day. – A nice day outside? In Minnesota? CLIMATE. CHANGE.
  6. It’s not a pleasant day. – A not-so-nice day outside? In California? CLIMATE. CHANGE.
  7. It’s snowing. – It has literally never snowed before cars were invented. Climate change!
  8. It’s not snowing. – It has literally never not snowed before cars were invented. Climate change!
  9. It is summer. – When it’s summer, it’s hot, proving the climate is changing.
  10. It is winter. – When it’s winter, it’s cold, proving the climate is changing.

A Babylon Bee subscriber contributed to this report. If you want to get involved with the staff writers at The Babylon Bee, check out our membership options here!


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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Biden: ‘I Don’t Know If We’re In A Recession, I’m Not A Biologist’

WASHINGTON, D.C. — America’s GDP has fallen over the last two quarters, stoking fears of a possible recession due to the fact that America is now in a recession. When asked whether the U.S. is now in a recession, Biden answered that he wasn’t qualified to answer, as he doesn’t have a biology degree.

“I don’t know if we’re in a recession, I’m not a biologist,” said Biden to the bronze bust of Hugo Chávez in his office. “Leave that stuff to the experts, Jack! If you ask me, the economy should lose some weight, anyway. Too fat. We deserve this for being racist anyway. Come on, man!”

The White House quickly clarified Biden’s statement, saying the U.S. is not in a terrible recession because the word “recession” has been redefined, as has the word “terrible.”

“It should be noted that the word ‘recession’ is being used by extreme far-alt-right-right extreme extremists,” said gay black Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre to reporters. “At best, the word ‘recession’ is a racist dog whistle. At worst, it’s a cruel slur against a historically marginalized economy. We condemn anyone who would use this racist language.”

At publishing time, Supreme Court Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson couldn’t confirm whether America is in a recession either, as she is also not a biologist.

A Babylon Bee subscriber contributed to this report. If you want to get involved with the staff writers at The Babylon Bee, check out our membership options here!

Michael Simmons’ doctor tells him he’s obese and needs to lose some weight – but the patient has the perfect comeback: he’s pregnant!

Subscribe to The Babylon Bee on YouTube


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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

10 Great Ways To Reverse The Recession

The GDP (Gross Domestic Product) numbers were released today and it turns out we’re in a recession.

EVERYBODY PANIC!

We’ve got to fix this immediately! Fortunately, we’ve consulted with the highly educated economists that got us into this mess to see how we can get out of it.

Here are some great ways to reverse the recession immediately:

  1. Turn the GDP chart upside down: Wow, that was easy!
  2. Change what the word “recession” means: Why yes, the economy is experiencing good vibes. Thank you for asking, Mr. Doocy.
  3. Play the reverse card from your UNO hand that you’ve been holding onto: Oh no! The economy played its own reverse card!
  4. Think long and hard, ‘What would AOC do?’: Probably something really brilliant and progressive!
  5. Form a Congressional committee to research how to get out of recessions so they can publish their findings in 3 years: The buck stops eventually!
  6. Invade Canada and take all their GDP for ourselves: They don’t have any guns to defend themselves.
  7. Ask Ukraine for our $80 billion back: They probably haven’t spent it yet.
  8. Order a second season of Jan 6 hearings: That’ll distract everyone from their financial pains.
  9. Ask Joey, a fifth grader: He’ll know what to do!
  10. Replace the entire government with Ron Paul: We can only dream.

This should reverse the recession in a jiffy! But if that doesn’t work we can always try redefining “reverse.”

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Scientists Unveil Periodic Table Of Genders

U.S. — The nation’s leading scientists unveiled a new periodic table of genders to help everyone keep track of the evolving gender spectrum. Experts are recommending the table be rolled out to schools across the nation and added to each state’s curriculum for grades 9-12.

The gender table features 114 genders in addition to a wild card space that represents the limitless imagination of the human mind.

“One of the biggest struggles with gender identity is that no one knows what you’re talking about,” said Dr. Stephen Andross. “I, myself, am amicagender, which means my gender identity changes depending on the friends I have. This is distinct from someone who is genderfluid or genderfuzz and now, thanks to our gender table, people can easily understand this.”

“Why are you laughing?”

Scientists compiled their list of genders based on a survey of mentally ill patients and their own personal desires. Later, the information was distilled into a brief but meaningless combination of made-up words and categories.

In a survey of gender studies majors, it was found to be “mildly helpful.”

At publishing time, California legislators voted to require teaching on the periodic table of genders beginning in kindergarten.


A Babylon Bee subscriber contributed to this report. If you want to get involved with the staff writers at The Babylon Bee, check out our membership options here!


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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

White Privilege Card Now Good For 10% Off At Whole Foods

U.S. – According to a representative for the official White Privilege rewards program, every Caucasian person’s White Privilege Card is now good for a full 10% off at participating Whole Foods locations.

The cards, which are given out to every white person at birth, have always been good for many societal benefits, but at long last allow white people to enjoy a discounted shopping experience at their favorite overpriced grocery store.

“Simply bring your purchases to the register and present your official white privilege card, and we’ll provide a discount on your entire purchase,” a spokesperson for the grocery store said. “And don’t try to borrow a white friend’s card – we’ll be able to tell if you try to pull one over on us.”

At publishing time, the rewards program had also confirmed the card will be good for a free pancake plate at IHOP and $5 off your next oil change at Walmart.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved. Please click here to order your copy of The Babylon Bee Guide to Democracy.

Biden Places ‘I Did That’ Sticker On Gas Pump After Price Drops Two Cents

WASHINGTON,D.C. — After months of saying that he has no control over the price of gas, President Joe Biden is taking credit as prices dip by 2 cents. To highlight this monumental achievement, Biden has been placing “I did that!” stickers on gas pumps everywhere he goes.

“Look folks, this is 2 cents we’re talking about here. You think this kinda thing happens on its own? Malarkey! Read the stickers. I did that!” said Biden at a White House Press conference. “And remember Putin makes prices go up. Biden makes prices go down!”

Biden continued explaining that to achieve this, all he had to do was empty out our entire military’s fuel supply. He assured Americans that our military didn’t really need it anyway.

At publishing time more Biden “I did that!” stickers were found but they were spotted instead on high food prices, empty shelves, lines of unvaccinated troops being discharged, and the overrun southern border.

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EDITOR NOTE: This political satire by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Officials Announce They Put The Decimal In The Wrong Place, Inflation Actually 91%

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Labor Secretary Martin J. Walsh spoke with reporters Friday to clarify previous remarks that the rate of inflation had hit 9.1% in June. He explained that his office had accidentally placed the decimal in the wrong place and inflation is actually 91%, the highest it has ever been. He apologized for the error.

“Oops, sorry about that folks. Apologies all around,” said Sec Walsh. “My notes had a pretty glaring typo. Inflation is actually 91%. Wow, yeah — that’s pretty high. That’s, like, the highest it’s ever been in recorded history, I think. I will not be taking any questions.”

According to sources, an intern with no experience had prepared the talking points for Walsh previously, which led to the error. Walsh did not first review the data before speaking because he also knows nothing about the economy or even what money is.

The announcement was met with sighs of relief from the upper class of society who will not be affected by this news in any meaningful way.

At publishing time, Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen argued that the sales tax rate should be increased to 91% to compete with inflation.


In a collaboration with The Babylon Bee, Professor Gorb McStevens lists all the countries where communism hasn’t turned into a totalitarian hellscape where you have to eat your dog.

Subscribe to The Babylon Bee on YouTube


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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

10 Ways To Spot The Closeted Conservative Working At Starbucks

Being a conservative working at Starbucks is more dangerous than being a Navy Seal behind enemy lines. If you want to play a fun game, try looking for the closeted conservative at your local Starbucks. There’s usually at least one. Just don’t out them, or you may ruin their lives!

Here’s how to spot that closeted conservative hiding in plain sight:

  1. Wears only one pride pin: Doing the bare minimum. It’s like he doesn’t even care about LGBTQ+ rights.
  2. Has fewer than 13 piercings: Also, be on the lookout for normal-colored hair.
  3. Drops everything and stands at attention whenever Trump’s face comes on the TV screen: Could also just be attracted to Trump. Sometimes it’s hard to distinguish the two.
  4. Kills spiders for all the liberal male employees: So manly.
  5. Says the conservative code words, “Merry Christmas”: The modern-day secret handshake.
  6. Gives you a respectful nod when you order black coffee: The official drink of red-pilled white cis-males.
  7. Spells names correctly: Sure sign of a quality classical homeschool education!
  8. Won’t let transients defecate on the restroom walls: Where does he want them to go? THE TOILET?! This is oppression!
  9. Doesn’t seethe when you assume his gender: Also, it’s possible to assume his gender quite easily.
  10. Refuses to make you a Unicorn Frappuccino: Have a little dignity, for goodness sake.

Share this list with your friends and turn your next Starbucks visit into a fun game!

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

How Jill Biden Describes Each Ethnicity

Jill Biden recently referred to Latino people as “Breakfast Tacos,” eschewing the more politically correct term, “Brxxkfst Txcxs.” Despite her faux pas, this isn’t the first time she’s used colorful language to describe some ethnicities. Here are most of the other times:


Italians are a basket of free breadsticks at Olive Garden.”

The Irish are a variety pack of 12 different beers.”

White people are a rainbow of different mayonnaises.

The Chinese are like a delightful assortment of fortune cookies.”

Pakistanis are like a bountiful selection of different Slurpees at 7-Eleven.”

Black people are clean and articulate.”

Scottish people are a boiled sheep’s stomach filled with heart, liver, and lungs. Yum!”

The English are a cheeky bunch of fish heads sticking out of a diverse pie.”

The Greeks are beautiful, spinning cones of gyro meat, twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom.”

The French are a wonderfully woven tapestry of various baguettes.”

Canadians are a diverse group of very polite maple syrups.”

Indians are a large menu of different curry that smells weird but tastes really good and a little too spicy and then you regret eating the next day.”

Japanese people are like one big melting pot of fried rice. Or is that the Chinese? I get my yellows mixed up sometimes.”

Saudi Arabians are like one giant kabob with different diverse kinds of meat wedged on there.”


In a collaboration with The Babylon Bee, Professor Gorb McStevens lists all the countries where communism hasn’t turned into a totalitarian hellscape where you have to eat your dog.

Subscribe to The Babylon Bee on YouTube


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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

12 Most Shocking Revelations From Hunter Biden’s Laptop

The entire contents of Hunter Biden’s laptop, iphone, and ipad have been leaked to the public. How embarrassing! The Babylon Bee team spent all night scrolling through 4chan threads last night and we checked into therapy this morning.

Here are the 12 most shocking and humiliating revelations from Hunter’s laptop:

  1. His desktop was covered with over 200 icons: And his recycling bin had never been emptied. Gross!
  2. His default search engine was set to Bing: The smartest man Joe Biden knows? It would appear not!
  3. The email app had over 1,038,202 unread emails: The mark of a psychopath.
  4. He’s watched Netflix’s Cuties over 1,200 times: Perfectly normal behavior. Nothing to see here.
  5. The hard drive contained multiple copies of Shrek the 3rdThis just gets worse and worse.
  6. He never finished installing Covenant Eyes internet filter: He could have avoided all this trouble.
  7. He had 5,276 browser tabs still open: They were all porn.
  8. The Candy Crush app only shows him at level 6: But he’s completed Barbie’s Magic Hairstyler several times and unlocked all the achievements.
  9. He paid for over 19 years of Norton, and never turned it on: Thankfully, that bill was paid by a Chinese firm who also ensured it was never turned on.
  10. He always “replied all” on emails: And always remembered to cc the “Big Guy.”
  11. GPS data shows he spends several dozen hours at Chuck E Cheese per week: Nothing suspicious about that!
  12. The FBI is probably at his door right now to arrest him for drug dealing and underage sex trafficking: Oh — they aren’t? Huh. Maybe they’re just really busy today.

A Babylon Bee subscriber contributed to this report. If you want to get involved with the staff writers at The Babylon Bee, check out our membership options here!


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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. All rights reserved.