Biden Seen Shouting At Gas Station Sign To Lower Its Prices

WASHINGTON, D.C.—According to sources, Biden was seen outside a gas station this afternoon yelling at the big price sign to lower its prices.

“Come on, man! I ain’t kidding around here! No joke! You gotta lower your prices! Do the right thing for God’s sake!” said Biden as he shook his fist at the giant sign. “You’re killing me here! This ain’t hard! Just be cheaper! Like, be two or maybe three bucks, max! This ain’t funny anymore!”

The President then lowered his voice to a creepy low whisper and said: “Here’s the rub, 7-Eleven. Drop your prices or I drop you, you get me?”

Witnesses say Biden became more enraged after the Mobil sign just stood there silently and indifferently and refused to respond.

Administration officials warn that gas prices will continue to rise as Biden has tried everything except allowing oil companies to get more oil—and this “shouting” strategy is one of the only remaining options for turning things around.

At publishing time, Biden abandoned the “shout at the signs” strategy in favor of shouting at the customers for paying such high prices.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

10 Times Socialism Actually Worked

Bernie Sanders famously said that “real” socialism has never been tried. Frankly, we’re shocked he would ever suggest such a thing because there are numerous examples of real socialist utopias that we have to pull from.

Here are just a few:

1) Star Trek’s Federation of Planets: There’s no money, but people still work for some reason. Workers of the world, set your phasers to Social Contract!

2) The Borg Collective: Like a more efficient Federation that tears through freedom-loving planets and subjects them to the will of the collective.

3) In the wonderful dream AOC had last night: Elon Musk even made an appearance.

4) In John Lennon’s “Imagine”: Everything works perfectly when you imagine it! Even marriage to Yoko Ono.

5) Smurf Village: Cheerful workers in a heavily regulated population. Just like China.

6) In Bernie Sander’s serial fanfic: He’s been writing Social Thunder for three years now. It’s a big hit on his Substack.

7) A beaver dam: Everyone chips in or they all die.

8) The nuclear family: Too bad the nuclear family is RACIST.

9) An ant farm: It worked great until a kid came and shook it up.

10) Whatever South American country Che Guevara ruled: We’re sure socialism worked there, otherwise people wouldn’t still be wearing the shirt


You see! Socialism is alive and well today. You only have to open yourself up to the imaginary world behind you and seize the means of production for the proletariat!


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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

12 Red Flags That Will Prevent You From Buying A Firearm

In light of recent shootings, Congress is considering red flag laws they’ve secretly been wanting to pass for decades. This means that even though you have a right to bear arms guaranteed by the US Constitution, they can make exceptions based on a list of criteria they come up with—namely, red flags.

Here are twelve red flags that will prevent you from buying a firearm if congress has its way:

1) You are applying to purchase a firearm: Ew! You want to buy a gun? MAJOR red flag there.

2) You once shared a Babylon Bee article on Facebook: You’re probably on the no-fly list already.

3) You don’t support the current thing in your Twitter bio: YOU BIGOT.

4) You’re Joe Biden’s bicycle: Attempts on the President’s life will not be tolerated.

5) You’re a Vietnam vet just passing through town until the local police push you too far: They drew first blood!

6) You once called in a chopper with your 7-kill streak on Call Of Duty: You monster.

7) You think RoboCop is the good guy: He shoots literally everyone.

8) You think Jan 6 was bad but not anywhere close to 9/11: Some real insurrectionist vibes here.

9) You still drive a vehicle that runs on gasoline: People who murder the planet always move on to murdering humans.

10) You didn’t kneel and worship the pride flag when the trumpets played: It’s the furnace for you, friend.

11) You know Pi to 11 places but you only know the first 4 letters of LGBTQIA2S…: You’re clearly not compassionate enough to follow proper gun safety protocols.

12) You oppose red flag laws: This one is pretty obvious. Always support controversial government policy without question.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Tampon Supply Shortage Solved By Emptying Out Tampons In The Men’s Bathrooms

U.S.—Americans are facing yet another basic necessity shortage under the Biden Administration. This time a tampon shortage has struck the nation and caused many women to wonder what they will do when they run out of their essential feminine product.

“Hey, I have an idea to address the shortage,” said one state official. “Why don’t we just empty all those tampons from the men’s room that no one’s using?”

The idea helped alleviate the crisis, but the state official was soon fired for discrimination against trans people.

In their desperation to find tampons, some women have resorted to entering the men’s restroom and taking tampons designated for trans men.

“As a lady, I would normally never enter a dirty, disgusting men’s restroom for any reason,” explained Ann Elizabeth, “but I’m completely out of tampons while the men’s restrooms are stocked with an abundance of tampons that haven’t even been touched!”

According to sources, this simple trick of women getting their tampons from the dispensers in the men’s room has swept the nation and completely brought the tampon shortage to an end.

At publishing time, the nation’s shortage of air freshener was solved by men entering the women’s restroom.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Scholars Now Think ‘6.66’ In Revelation Refers To Price Of Gas In The End Times

GENEVA—This week, a panel of Bible scholars issued a joint statement clarifying that the Mark of the Beast is actually “$6.66”—the price of gas at the end of latter days.

“Deeper study has revealed that we were misreading this passage—it’s not 666 or 616, it’s $6.66 for your basic Unleaded Petroleum Gasoline!” French Bible scholar Pierre LeGault spoke for the panel of academics that had gathered at Geneva to redress and correct the historic interpretation of the mysterious number in Revelation 13. “Numerology is tough and we’ll be the first to admit we botched this one—but we’re here to make things right!”

The panel answered questions, fleshing out their new interpretation. “It’s felt apocalyptic for a few years now—once we figured out that we had already been enduring the final stages of divine judgment, it all clicked!” Other scholars on the panel concurred, proceeding to roll out a massive end-times prophecy chart culminating in a $6.66 gas ticker on the far right side.

At publishing time, the scholars were scrambling to explain why they shouldn’t be stoned as false prophets despite the gas ticker blasting through the $7 and $8 marks.


Judges at a school spelling bee are stumped and infuriated when a child dares to ask them for a definition of the word “woman.”


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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Science Tests Positive For COVID

WORLD—The world is in disbelief today upon hearing the news that Dr. Fauci, also known as the living embodiment of SCIENCE itself, has come down with COVID.

“How could this happen? What if SCIENCE dies? We’ll be lost! LOST WITHOUT SCIENCE!” cried Brian Stelter on CNN. “What does this mean? Is Fauci—blessings upon him—merely a human? I don’t know what’s true anymore!” Brian then curled up on the couch to have a good cry and watch A Christmas Kiss 2 on the Hallmark Channel.

Thousands of devoted followers of SCIENCE have gathered around the Fauci residence to call upon the powers of SCIENCE to defeat the COVID infection. Thousands more reported being shocked to hear COVID was still a thing.

Experts theorize that SCIENCE is possibly volunteering to take COVID upon himself for the whole world and are wondering why he didn’t do this two years ago.

Fauci has assured his followers that he only anticipates having COVID for 3 days, after which he will rise again.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Death Toll From Jan. 6 Skyrockets As Hearing Viewers Die Of Boredom

WASHINGTON, D.C.—The deadly January 6th riots have claimed even more innocent victims, as everyone watching the hearings is dying of boredom.

“Once again we are seeing the tragic human cost of the evil MAGA insurrection on January 6th,” said Adam Schiff as several attendees fell out of their chairs and passed away, unable to watch one more second of the tiresome hearings. “Trump must be held responsible for these untimely deaths.”

“OH, THE HUMANITY!”

Reports indicate that while the death count skyrockets, the injuries associated with January 6th are also rising—with various attendees and viewers at home gouging out their eyes, jumping out of windows, and leaping in front of buses.

Authorities expect the death toll to rise even higher after the House committee members commit seppuku for failing to stop Trump from running in 2024.


Babylon Bee subscriber Todd Koenitz contributed to this report. If you want to get involved with the staff writers at The Babylon Bee, check out our membership options here!


To celebrate Pride Month, Mattel has released its first-ever pregnant man doll: Pregnant Ken! You can have all sorts of fun with the clearly MALE Ken doll and his pregnant belly! Available wherever non-gender-specific toys are sold.

Subscribe to The Babylon Bee on YouTube


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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Study Shows Kids Who Are Homeschooled Could Miss Out On Opportunity To Be A Gay Communist

U.S.—Education experts are warning about the detrimental effects of homeschooling, as it may cause children to miss out on their opportunity to be gay communists.

“The two essential roles of public education are to turn kids into communists, and then make them gay,” said AFL-CIO President Randi Weingarten. “If education fails to accomplish both of those things in the life of a child, it has failed miserably.”

Studies show that while homeschooled kids may excel in advanced mathematics, literature, history, Latin, debate, civics, religion, music, art, theoretical physics, and physical fitness, most kids educated by their parents fall woefully short in essential subjects like Communism and being gay.

“We need common-sense regulation of homeschooling to ensure our nation’s kids are sufficiently perverted by gender theory and fully ready for the violent overthrow of the Republic to usher in a glorious communist utopia,” said Weingarten. “No child should be left behind.”

Lawmakers are discussing programs to send drag queens to the homes of homeschoolers but insisted they will have to repeal the 2nd Amendment and take away all the guns first.


To celebrate Pride Month, Mattel has released its first-ever pregnant man doll: Pregnant Ken! You can have all sorts of fun with the clearly MALE Ken doll and his pregnant belly! Available wherever non-gender-specific toys are sold.

Subscribe to The Babylon Bee on YouTube


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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Biden Administration To Provide Grief Counselors At All Gas Pumps

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a move to help alleviate pain at the pump, the Biden Administration has announced a $1 billion initiative to provide grief and trauma counselors to stand by at all gas pumps across the nation.

The plan will fund licensed therapists and psychiatrists to stand at the ready at gas pumps from New York to California to comfort people mourning the loss of hundreds of dollars every time they fill up their tanks.

“There, there. It’s gonna be OK,” said one grief counselor as a woman filled up her VW at a gas pump in California. “Times like these can be difficult to cope with, but we can survive Putin’s Price Hike if we look deep within ourselves for strength and guidance. Now, let’s try some breathing exercises.”

Another woman in Ohio burst into tears after paying over $3 for gas for the first time in her life.

“Shhh, shhh, it’s OK, honey,” said one therapist, stroking her hair. “You’re going through the stages of grief. Soon, you’ll learn to live with $10 gas. You literally won’t even remember when gas was as cheap as it was during the Trump administration.”

“I know, I know,” the woman replied. “It’s just so hard to accept. I miss… I miss Trump.”

Biden has actually gotten pretty hands-on during this initiative, reporting that he plans to comfort young women at gas pumps himself from time to time “to help chip in.” “It’s the least I can do,” he said before stationing himself at a gas pump and waiting for a cute young girl to pull up.

 


To celebrate Pride Month, Mattel has released its first-ever pregnant man doll: Pregnant Ken! You can have all sorts of fun with the clearly MALE Ken doll and his pregnant belly! Available wherever non-gender-specific toys are sold.

Subscribe to The Babylon Bee on YouTube


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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

School District Announces Summer Enrichment Program For Kids Who Need Extra Grooming

ASHBURN, VA—The Loudoun County school district has announced a series of camps and summer programs for students who require additional grooming during the break.

“We try our best to groom all our students to be radical queer activists from preschool, but we understand that some kids fall behind in their grooming process,” said Superintendent Scott Ziegler. “We wanted to offer these fun and exciting summer enrichment programs to help maintain our student’s radicalization and protect them from the influence of transphobic bigoted parents! Because we care!”

Programs being offered this summer include:

-Twerking Workshop for Kids: Beginner to Advanced

-Trans Finance 101: How to raise money for your top surgery without your parents finding out

-Drag Camp: A 4-week camp in which kids learn and grow through unsupervised activities with drag queens

-Gay-bar-hopping night for kindergarteners: What better way to teach tolerance?

The programs are being hailed by trans rights groups, Democrats, and the eldritch creature who lives under the surface of Loudoun County and feasts on the souls of the damned.

At publishing time, all events were canceled for everyone’s safety due to a Matt Walsh sighting.


To celebrate Pride Month, Mattel has released its first-ever pregnant man doll: Pregnant Ken! You can have all sorts of fun with the clearly MALE Ken doll and his pregnant belly! Available wherever non-gender-specific toys are sold.

Subscribe to The Babylon Bee on YouTube


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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Awe-Inspiring Facts You May Not Know About Trump

Some things about Donald Trump are common knowledge. For example, he’s everyone’s favorite President of the United States. Duh! But you may be surprised to find there are many things you still don’t know!

Here are some other awe-inspiring facts about your favorite president:

  • He said his first word at 6 weeks of age: The word was “tremendous.”
  • Scientists have determined his ruggedly handsome facial features and body type represent the ideal male form: Confirming what we already knew.
  • Mensa rejected him for being too smart: It was shattering the confidence of the other geniuses.
  • His Windsor knot is always geometrically perfect: As confirmed by hyper-sensitive laser measuring devices.
  • That’s not a gut, it’s just one huge ab: The largest ab, maybe ever.
  • He has read many, many books: All the books, really. He’s really good at books.
  • He has already visited Mars: But no one noticed since he’s the same color.
  • He drinks 32 cups of coffee before bed just to calm down: And 48 Diet Cokes to wake up in the morning.
  • God once allowed Trump to shield himself behind a rock as God’s glory passed by, but Trump went ahead and stared directly at it and it didn’t even hurt him: But it did leave his countenance permanently orange.
  • When Kim Jong-Un played his round of golf at 38 under par, Trump played with him and beat him by 12 strokes: He is the greatest golfer who ever lived.
  • His limo has a Taco Bell inside it: And a Pizza Hut.
  • Gordon Ramsey once referred to Trump’s way of eating steak (well done with ketchup) as “bloody delicious, spot on.”: And don’t get Ramsey started on the delicious Trump Tower Taco Bowl!
  • Every night when he goes to bed, he says a little prayer for you: He truly cares.
  • A childhood accident made him unable to tell a lie: Rumors say a rock fell on the part of his head that controls lying.
  • The Vatican is currently discussing granting Trump sainthood as the patron saint of winning: It’s about time.
  • His humility knows no bounds: An example to us all.
  • He might be your dad: Unless your Mom is Rosie O’Donnell.

Mattel Introduces Pregnant Ken Doll

To celebrate Pride Month, Mattel has released its first-ever pregnant man doll: Pregnant Ken! You can have all sorts of fun with the clearly MALE Ken doll and his pregnant belly! Available wherever non-gender-specific toys are sold.


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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

CNN Rebrands To JAN6NN

ATLANTA, GA—Citing an objective poll of everyday Americans who work as CNN executives or Democrat tacticians, CNN has announced a strategic rebranding to JAN6NN, citing the vital significance of what occurred on that fateful day in 2021.

Following the rebrand to JAN6NN, all news coverage will focus solely on Jan 6, 2021, meaning no real change will occur.

“We feel this strategic rebrand better matches our company mission to be the most trusted name in news that helps the Democratic National Committee,” said JAN6NN brand advocate, Billstrom Spleeny, “Also, 516 days have passed since we ceased reporting on news unrelated to January 6, 2021, so…”

Media strategists praised JAN6NN’s rebrand as the most brilliant corporate news decision since the announcement of CNN+, and predicted JAN6NN would quickly double viewerships to 348 viewers.

At publishing time, Fox News announced its own strategic rebrand to “DeSantis News.”

A Babylon Bee subscriber contributed to this report. If you want to get involved with the staff writers at The Babylon Bee, check out our membership options here!

Are you a woman? It’s hard to tell these days. Watch our well-researched video to find out whether you are indeed a woman.

What Is a Man? | A Babylon Bee Documentary

What makes a man? Do you even know? Over the course of this documentary, we explore this age-old question. Buckle up and get ready to learn.

Subscribe to The Babylon Bee on YouTube


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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

What Gender Are You? Take The Quiz!

It can be hard to know what gender you are. So many choices! But The Babylon Bee has come up with an easy way to determine which one you are with this handy quiz:

Not happy with your results? Refresh the page or click here to try to get a different gender!

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

‘Guns Should Not Be In The Hands Of The Mentally Unstable,’ Says Senile Man With Nukes

WASHINGTON, D.C.—A senile old man in Washington who has a deadly nuclear arsenal at his fingertips is calling for dangerous weapons to be taken out of the hands of the mentally unstable.

“Listen, folks, this shouldn’t be difficult,” said the yammering old geriatric to a duck in the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool. “The mentally unstable shouldn’t have guns! It’s dangerous! Think of what could happen, Jack! They could fire it blindly through their front door because they heard a noise, or leave it right out in the open where a Taliban terrorist could pick it up, or accidentally kill innocent people they thought were bad guys but turned out to be foreign aid workers!” The man then dove face-first into the pool because he thought he saw an ice cream cone there.

Many Democrats are warning of chaos and death if mentally unstable people such as themselves ever get their hands on a firearm. “It would be a disaster,” said one Democratic strategist. “Think of putting weapons in the hands of people who can’t even define what a ‘woman’ is! I shudder at the thought! Please disarm us immediately!”

“It’s real simple,” said the old man as he climbed out of the Reflecting Pool, disappointed to not have found any ice cream. “Guns, tanks, drones, nukes—all that stuff—we gotta take those away from people who aren’t mentally fit!”

At publishing time, the man was on the run after taking an ice cream cone he mistook for a handgun out of the hands of a tourist.


Are you a woman? It’s hard to tell these days. Watch our well-researched video to find out whether you are indeed a woman.

Subscribe to The Babylon Bee on YouTube


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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Think You Have Monkeypox? Watch For These Ten Strange Symptoms

Monkeypox is here! EVERYONE PANIC! You thought COVID wasn’t a big deal? Well, get ready to spend every waking moment of your life in constant terror for fear that the next person you run into might have a rare disease with a low transmission rate.

Think you might have it? Diagnose yourself by consulting these symptoms:

1) A mild headache: Run for your life! YOU’RE ALREADY DEAD!

2) You’ve been to England in the last six months: You might also be British, which is another problem altogether.

3) Italian plumbers make you FURIOUS: Throwing all those barrels is making you super buff, though.

4) You pick a bug out of your wife’s hair and eat it: Helpful but gross. Don’t do that.

5) You become confused and angry every time you see a monolith: WHAT DOES IT MEAN?

6) All of your pants are at the tailor to have a hole added for your tail: If you haven’t figured it out by now—you’re a monkey. Sad.

7) You just got back from a tour of Dr. Fauci’s Wuhan Monkeypox Lab: Duct tape is not a valid tool for air sealing a room against viral infection.

8) A tiny monkey bursts out of your chest: If you had the vaccine, the monkey would have exploded out of your body but in a slightly more mild way.

9) You insist that selectively bred bananas are evidence of creation: An atheist’s nightmare! Mic drop!

10) Zero symptoms: Better quarantine just to be safe.

In the end, it doesn’t matter what your symptoms are, if you die, you’ll be recorded as a monkeypox statistic.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.