New York Times Falsely Claims No One Believes Muslim Brotherhood is a Terror Group

David Kirkpatrick at the New York Times is without a doubt the most deeply dishonest journalist working the Islamic beat today. Kirkpatrick ‘s favorite thing in life seems to be the Muslim Brotherhood. So when there was talk that the Trump administration might designate the Brotherhood a terrorist group, the Times decided to have Kirkpatrick write up an explainer defending the Brotherhood.

And this may be the most bizarre line in that deeply dishonest explainer.

No. Even experts critical of the Brotherhood agree that the organization does not meet the criteria for a terrorist group.

Really?

Three experts at the DeSantis hearing on the Brotherhood agreed that it was.

Which experts does Kirkpatrick mean? Who knows. He later cites “historians”, but never clarifies which historians he means.

Experts critical of the Brotherhood have been highly supportive of this move.

“Historians say there has been no evidence since then that the Egyptian Brotherhood, as an organization, has engaged in violence,” Kirkpatrick writes.

Are these nameless historians aware of the assassination of Hisham Barakat and the conviction of Muslim Brotherhood members for that attack?

Since the military takeover of Egypt’s government in 2013, some members of the Brotherhood have broken off to form organizations that carry out acts of violence against the military-backed government.

Two of those groups, Hasm and Liwa al-Thawra, have been designated as terrorist organizations by the United States government.

Kirkpatrick’s argument is that the Muslim Brotherhood is not a terror group, it just keeps generating them, over and over again, as plausible deniability.

But even experts who consider the Muslim Brotherhood sinister say that they have never seen enough evidence to convince a court that it was a terrorist group.

Those “experts” keep saying things.

But let’s stop listening to Kirkpatrick ‘s imaginary experts and listen to the Brotherhood.

“Suicide attacks represent the highest level of martyrdom, because there are no civilians in Israel.” Sheikh Yusuf Al-Qaradawi.

“It is obligatory on all Muslims to resist any possible attack the US might launch against Iran,” Qaradawi said in a 2007 interview. “The U.S. is an enemy of Islam that has already declared war on Islam under the disguise of war on terrorism and provides Israel with unlimited support.”

In September 2004, Qaradawi proclaimed that it was a religious obligation for Muslims to fight U.S. and British troops in Iraq. The communiqué, signed by Qaradawi and 93 other clerics, said that “the Jihad – waging Iraqi people’s resistance to the foreign occupation … is a Shari’a duty incumbent upon anyone belonging to the Muslim nation, within and outside Iraq, who is capable of carrying it out,” and that it was “forbidden for any Muslim to offer support to the occupiers.”

Never enough evidence.

In a statement that aired on Al Jazeera TV in 2009, al-Qaradawi said the Holocaust was a “punishment” for Jews and expressed hope for Muslims to carry out another genocidal campaign in the future.

RELATED ARTICLE: Should the Muslim Brotherhood Be Labeled Terrorists?

EDITORS NOTE: This Jihad Watch column is republished with permission.

Trump Shakes Up Cabinet Again, Turns Left

MAR-A-LAGO CLUB, FL (UP) 1 Apr – In a stunning reversal of his first two years of his administration, President Trump today announced he has had a change of heart and now embraces the socialist platform. This was followed by several new cabinet nominations, including long-time opponent Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont as Secretary of Health and Human Services (HHS), replacing Alex Azar.

In a surprise move, former CNN Chairman Jeff Zucker was appointed press secretary, replacing Sarah Saunders. “I relish the opportunity to work closely with the President in this capacity.  He and I have had a close personal relationship for many years.  I trust his judgement and I’m confident he feels likewise.”

Other notable changes include:

Sen. Elizabeth Warren as Treasury Secretary, replacing Steven Mnuchin.  She is expected to change the tax structure to force increased payments by the upper class, estimated to be as much as a 1000% increase on people making more than $70,000.

Former Rep. Beto O’Rourke as Reich Minister of Public Enlightenment and Propaganda, replacing Joseph Goebbels.  He will be making a series of presentations standing on coffee tables in restaurants where he will be articulating the new Socialist Manifesto.

Sen. Kamala Harris as Reich Minister for Labour, replacing Franz Seldte.  The Senator will be responsible for building welcome centers along our southern border and providing guidance to immigrants for voting in the 2020 election.

Rep. Ilhan Omar as Ambassador to Israel, replacing David Friedman. She will be residing in East Jerusalem.

And Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez to the newly created Department of What’s Happening Now where she will be asked to speak regularly on television news talk shows, discussing the administration’s embrace of the New Green Deal.  She will be slightly delayed in assuming her new responsibilities as she has major periodontal surgery planned.

The president tweeted, “I look forward to working with these people.  They are just what the people want right now.  I can finally sit back, relax, and let them run the country for me.  I’ll now be able to spend more time playing golf with my old friend Vladimir Putin.  I can’t wait for my term to end so I can turn the keys over to Joe Biden, a true intellectual.”

He also tweeted, “April Fool!”

EDITORS NOTE: This Bryce is Right political satire column is republished with permission.

Mueller Bombshell: Trump Turned Me Into A Newt

According to a story by our reliable subsidiary, the Babylon Bee, former FBI director Robert Mueller ordered that Trump be weighed against a duck to determine whether the sitting president is a witch.

Because of the clearly established pattern of Russian collusion, Mueller stated that Trump may actually be an incarnation of Baba Yaga. “I wouldn’t be surprised if we find out he eats children,” said Mueller.

Mueller’s controversial comment has ignited a political firestorm. Indignant members of New York’s state legislature, feeling their reputations were impugned by association with Trump, wanted to make clear that they, and not Trump, are the real consumers of infants.

Unfazed, Mueller finally broke the most damning testimony yet proving Trump’s culpability regarding Russian interference in the 2016 election: “He turned me into a newt!”

A somewhat startled Christiane Amanpour blurted, “A newt!?” Appearing momentarily befuddled, Mueller seemed to recover himself and offer a rational explanation: “Well, I got better,” he said to satisfied nods among the press corps.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi was deeply concerned by revelations of Trump’s magical powers. “If he has power to turn good men like Mueller into a newt, he may have power to cast spells and confuse members of our party. No wonder Maxine thought Russia had invaded Korea. It was Trump! Impeachment is definitely back on the, er, table, and we’re not ruling out military options.”

Trump, of course, denies the allegations tweeting that any speculation about him turning anybody into a newt was, in his words, “fake news.”

From Comrade Red Square:

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by Komissar al-Blogunov  originally appeared on The Peoples Cube. It is hilariously republished with permission.

MUST WATCH VIDEO: Canary Mission Parody on IfNotNow Movement

The hilarious video that IfNotNow doesn’t want you to see… or share!

Follow us on Twitter: twitter.com/canarymission

Elizebeth Warren takes her dog Wahanassatta campaigning

Democratic Massachusetts Sen. Elizabeth Warren, who is a self-identified hominoid, has a new anthropomorphized advocate on the campaign trail – and Donald Trump Jr. says it’s proof that she is struggling to resonate with her homo sapiens base as a bipedal homo erectus.

Warren, who declared her intention to seek the 2020 Democratic nomination last month, has been taking her cis-quadrupedal, self-identified canine companion, Wahanassatta, with her to campaign stops, in order to highlight her secondary anthropoid characteristics. 

Looking at Warren’s dog and then back at Warren enables Bipedal-Americans to compare the two and notice that Warren doesn’t have any facial fur and that she has two opposable thumbs – something that may have eluded them in the past. This allows Warren to interact with her hominoid base by posting the dog’s “selfies” online and promoting Wahanassatta the Spokesdog’s exposure on human social media. 

By doing so, Senator Warren prompts her intellectual voter base to ask, “how can a dog take selfies if it doesn’t have opposable thumbs?” That’s where Warren steps in and explains that this is what homo sapiens call “humor” and presents her own opposable thumbs for observation. After the joke is explained they all have a good laugh, accompanied by a subliminal reinforcement of positive emotions.

While Warren doesn’t appear to have created the social media account herself, there is a Twitter account dedicated to Wahanassatta Warren that routinely growls at President Donald Trump and promotes policies supported by the humanoid Massachusetts Senator. 

Warren herself shares Instagram posts from the campaign trail using a hand-held camera to post Wahanassatta’s authentic dog perspective on all the issues vital to the nation.

(RELATED: Elizabeth Warren’s ‘No PAC-Money’ Pledge Has A Built In Escape Hatch)

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by Margaret originally appeared on The Peoples Cube. It is republished with shits and grins.

I believe Jussie Smollett and here’s why

I love Jussie. I believe Jussie! The police are lying about him. You know how much police hate black people. 

By arresting Jussie, the police are only emboldening Trump supporters, making it easier for them to target innocent, defenseless, helpless-without-the-government progs like me. 

Why, just last night I was in San Francisco, or maybe it was Los Angeles. It was past midnight and I couldn’t sleep because it was pouring down rain and soaking thru my cardboard box. So it had to be Los Angeles. Yeah, I’m camping out here hoping to see some of my favorite celebrities on the red carpet for the Oscars this Sunday night. I might even get to take selfies with them. Maybe Brad Pitt will offer to make me his date. 

But I digress. 

I was soaked and shivering, so I abandoned my cardboard box and tried to find the nearest open coffee shop. Unfortunately, the only one I found was in the Trump Tower—in which case, maybe I was in New York but there are still always celebrities here, even when it isn’t Oscar night. 

Not wanting to be seen by my fellow progs going into Trump Tower and thus denounced for being a Trump supporter, I took a selfie of myself passing it by and posted it on social media to signal my progressive virtue to all, as I plodded on through the torrents of rain in search of some other coffee shop that might be open at two in the morning. Teeth chattering, I finally found an open Starbucks where there were only two other customers seated at one of the tables. I ordered a White Russian Mocha Latte. 

The barista asked me for my name to write on my cup. I said “Pinkie.” She wrote “Ivanka” on the cup and proceeded to brew my WRML. 

That’s when the other two customers called out to me. “Pinkie? Commissarka Pinkie? So it’s you! We been waitin’ for you to show up!” 

I was dripping and shivering so hard that I couldn’t see exactly what they looked like, except they both wore red MAGA hats and didn’t have any teeth save for a single front tooth and maybe a canine or bicuspid but definitely no molars. And there was a laptop on their table open to a Neo-Nazi white supremacist pro-gun website complete with pictures of Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity and Sarah Palin. Oh, and Trump, too. 

They said, “You’re in MAGA country now, Pinkie. And we’re gonna get you for it because even if you report us to the cops, they’re eventually gonna accuse you of pullin’ a Smollett just to get guys in red hats to hit on you. And everyone knows how much you like guys in red hats—Pinkie.”

“Not anymore,” I said. “And I’m not Pinkie. I’m Ivanka. The barista even wrote it on my cup.”

“You are too Pinkie. Red nose? Red hijab?”

“It’s not a hijab, it’s a headscarf. I’m not a Muslim—not that there’s anything wrong with that. It used to be a kerchief around Che’s neck, and I took it to blow my nose while he lay dying and I’ve worn it on my head ever since.” 

“Oh yeah? Then how do you explain that shovel in your hand?”

That’s when it occurred to me that I should whack them with my shovel. But at the very same moment, the barista called out, “Ivanka, White Russian Mocha Latte!” 

I grabbed the coffee and held it up. “See? It says Ivanka. I’m Ivanka!”

Instead they tore my red headscarf off my head. I had to get it back from them, but I had my shovel in one hand and my White Russian Mocha Latte in the other. 

“Who cut off all your hair?” one of them sneered. 

Mitt Romney did that years ago at the prom. It was a Sunday feature story on the front page of the Washington Post when he ran for President back in 2012, but of course you toothless wonders don’t read that paper. In fact, you don’t read anything. You don’t know how to read!”

“Then you ARE Pinkie!”

“I told you—and it says so on this cup—I’m IVANKA!” I swung my shovel at first one and then the other, knocking out what few teeth they had left. With my own teeth I picked up my red headscarf. Shovel in one hand and coffee in the other, I ran for cover in the bathroom, but it was already full of homeless people smoking crack. 

“Hey, look!” one of them said. “Check out the name on her cup. It’s Ivanka! Ivanka Trump! Get her!”

I fled back into the pouring rain, during which time I somehow managed to pull my cellphone out of my cleavage and call Betinov, but then I forgot he doesn’t get a signal in his jar. So I called Pamalinsky but she couldn’t understand what I was saying because my red headscarf was hanging out of my mouth and I was trying to drink my latte at the same time while running past the Trump Tower to my cardboard box where I’ve been hiding ever since, waiting for Brad Pitt to give me a call after he learns of my ordeal on CNN. 

I just don’t know what traumatizes me more—those MAGA hats or being mistaken for Ivanka Trump. 

#ibelievejussie #notivanka #shovellife #victimhoodismysuperpower #wheresmyfreestuff

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by Commissarka Pinkie originally appeared on The Peoples Cube. It is republished with permission.

How to play Pull-a-Smollett: The Game of Social Engineering

At the risk of losing the punch line in the translation, let me start with a Russian joke:

“We’re sorry, but you’re no longer welcome in our house.”
“Why is that?”
“The last time you visited, one of our spoons went missing.”
“What nonsense, why would I steal your silverware?”
“We’re not saying you did, we found it a day later, but the resentment still remains.”

While the stain on this poor fellow’s reputation was accidental, we are now finding that such stains can be engineered, especially if the media is on your side. Consider the Trump-Russia collusion scenario. None of the claims against Trump have proven to be true, but “the resentment remains.”

All of the examples of hate and violence by Trump supporters have also proven to be hoaxes, and yet the response usually is, “even if this one’s a hoax, you can’t deny that Trump has created an atmosphere of resentment, and so many hate crimes in the news can’t all be hoaxes.”

This is a projection. Simple reverse engineering suggests that by trying to plant resentment against Trump with endless unproven tales, the Democrats have legitimized hoaxes and thus created an atmosphere in which the jussie smolletts of this world are getting inspired to conjure their own little tales of deceit in order to stain and damage “Trump’s America.” They’ve also legitimized sociopathy, empowering scores of manipulative “victims” to satisfy their pathological craving for sympathy.

What these hoax enthusiasts tend to forget is that such high-end political technologies require skill and calculation, while their own low-end intellect will likely cause them to get caught. Their opponents will gloat and say, “If Trump’s America is so violent and hateful, why do the Democrats need hoaxes in order to prove it?”

To the Democrat leaders these amateurs are what suicide bombers are to the leaders of ISIS: disposable human material and acceptable losses in a war for power. Smollett’s life may now be in pieces, but he has left a lasting resentful stain in the public square, having earned gratitude from 72 progressive self-identified virgins. 

Smollett’s name will now be forever tied to all the past, present, and future political hoaxes, immortalized in the Party-approved Pull-a-Smollett game, in which young and old progressives compete in who can better stain reputations, divide people, and generate resentment at the cost of their own lives and careers. 

Have you pulled a Smollett lately? If so, tell us your story. It may be added as another game card to our stack. 

In the meantime, here’s a list of previous winners and their inspirational stories, courtesy of The Daily Caller.

A LIST OF HOAX ‘HATE CRIMES’ IN THE TRUMP ERA

  • Anti-Muslim Hate Crime In Michigan Turns Out To Be A Hoax (Nov. 2016)
  • Bisexual Student Fakes Trump-Inspired Hate Crime (Nov. 2016)
  • Gas Station Racism Goes Viral – Then Police Debunk It (Nov. 2016)
  • White Men Rob Muslim Woman Of Her Hijab And Wallet – Except It Never Happened (Nov. 2016)
  • Church Organist Vandalizes Own Church (Nov. 2016)
  • “Drunk White Men” Attack Muslim Woman In Story That Also Never Happened (Dec. 2016)
  • White Guy Sets His Own Car On Fire, Paints Racial Slur On His Own Garage (Dec. 2016)
  • Prankster Tricks Liberal Journalist Into Spreading Anti-Trump Hoax (Dec. 2016)
  • Student Writes Anti-Muslim Graffiti On His Own Door (Feb. 2017)
  • Israeli Man Behind Anti-Semitic Bomb Threats In The U.S. (April 2017)
  • Hoax At St. Olaf (May 2017)
  • Fake Hate At Air Force Academy Goes Viral (Sept. 2017)
  • K-State Fake Hate Crime (Nov. 2017)
  • Racist Graffiti Carried Out By Non-White Student (Nov. 2017)
  • Waiter Fakes Note Calling Himself A Terrorist (July 2018)
  • Waitress Fakes Racist Note, Blames Law Enforcement (July 2018)
  • New York Woman’s Hate Crime That Wasn’t (Sept. 2018)
  • Student Faked Racist Notes (Dec. 2018)
  • The Covington Catastrophe (Jan. 2019)
  • Bonus: Anti-Semitic Vandal Exposed As Democratic Activist (Nov. 2018)
  • Bonus II: Trump-Inspired Racist Blaze At Black Church Was Carried Out By Black Churchgoer (Nov. 2016)
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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column with images by Red Square originally appeared on The Peoples Cube. It is republished with permission.

MABA! A new movement

A new movement has been launched to make Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez a barmaid again. 

Due to her being sent to Washington, she no longer has unfettered access to the tip jar at the Flats Fix taqueria.

If she could get her barmaid job back to supplement her income, perhaps she could then afford the high rent in Seattle.

Red Square reports:

AOC is now one of our betters. We are not worthy.

Ocasio-Cortez Living in Luxury Navy Yard Apartment Building

Ocasio-Cortez, a member of the Democratic Socialists of America, got a big raise with her election to Congress, a job that comes with a $174,000 annual salary. She told the New York Times she was concerned about how she would get an apartment before that salary kicked in.

She ended up moving into a luxury apartment building with a wide array of amenities where rent for even a studio apartment exceeds $2,000 a month. The Washington Free Beacon is not disclosing the exact building Ocasio-Cortez lives in due to safety concerns expressed by her office.

Her office pushed back against the notion that it was hypocritical for Ocasio-Cortez, who has made housing affordability one of her top policy concerns, to move into a luxury building. A spokesman pointed out that her office also uses a car with an “internal combustion engine that runs on fossil fuels,” even though she thinks their use should be eliminated.

AOC_Apt.jpg

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by Evil Smiley with images originally appeared on The Peoples Cube. It is wonkingly republished with permission.

VIDEO MEME: God Bless the USA SOTU Goes Viral

Carpe Donktum posted the below video composite of Democrats at the State of the Union address to Congress. It is a must watch.

EDITORS NOTE: If you like Carpe Donktum Memes, consider supporting their work either through their Patreon Account or Paypal. All donations go directly to hardware and software upgrades that make an even better product!

Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/carpedonktum or Paypal: Carpedonktum@gmail.com.

Cis-Lesbian Fired for Misgendering a Trans-Male Rapist

The LGBTQ Commission for the mayor of Baltimore has just fired its only lesbian member, Julia Beck, for using male pronouns while referring to a convicted male rapist who wanted to be addressed as a female. Finding such behavior disgraceful, her former LGBTQ comrades have also denounced her and purged her from their ranks. 

The male convict in question had earlier courageously declared himself a transgendered woman, for which he was cheered on by the progressive local establishment and sent to a female prison. Shortly afterwards he deployed his gender-fluid trans-penis to rape two cisgendered female inmates – a “crime” that he, a self-identified oppressed lesbian who is attracted to other women, can hardly be accused of. The real crime here, of course, was the denial of his chosen gender identity by the knuckle-dragging, close-minded, reactionary traitor to womankind, Julia Beck. 

The delusional lesbian Beck had mistakenly assumed that being a sexual minority entitled her to stating biological facts without clearing them first with the High Commissar of Pronouns and Dangling Participles. A speedy show trial found her guilty of violent transphobia and sentenced her to the status of a cis-lesbian non-person with the pronoun “it.”

Beck was tried by the revolutionary tribunal at Baltimore Transgender Alliance (BTA), where men with penises who self-identified as lesbian women stripped her of her rank as a commanding lesbian activist and demoted her to a lowly private dyke. The verdict stated that biological sex was a thing of the past and that anyone who said otherwise was a Trump-loving Nazi.

Instead of admitting her guilt, signing a teary confession, and doing hours of public self-criticism, the stubborn self-identified woman took a stand and engaged in despicable acts of gender terrorism and sedition, asking questions that threatened the very foundation of the trans-movement. Among other transphobic things she claimed that biological sex was an immutable fact, otherwise there would be no homosexuality. 

This dramatic development touched on the most existential issue of our time: if biological sex has no meaning, where do homosexuals come from? If gender is a matter of choice, what force causes people to be attracted to the opposite sex, or to the same sex for that matter? If sex is arbitrary, what was the fight for same-sex marriage about? Have homosexuals been doing it wrong throughout the millennia, instead of simply changing their sex for the common good? 

Most importantly, why do homosexuals bitterly cling to their biological gender? Is it time to sacrifice them to the revolution as crypto-conservatives and enemies of progress?

Please do not try this at home. Do not attempt to switch genders or solve this conundrum without the supervision of trained experts in progressive social science who will tell you what to think, lest you share the fate of the disgraced lesbian Beck.

DISCLAIMER

This is not a spoof. Life has begun to imitate the People’s Cube so much that parody fades in comparison with real events. All that’s left is to tell it how it is. 

Lesbian Activist Faces Leftist Fury After ‘Misgendering’ a Male Rapist

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column with images and video by Red Square originally appeared on The Peoples Cube. It is republished with permission.

New York Gov. Cuomo ends death penalty except for babies

Albany, NY — New York State Governor Andrew Cuomo continues to make major changes in the name of progress and tolerance. These will appeal to liberal-progressives, and benefit ex cons and mass murderers across the nation. Signing off on these new policies will launch the governor’s bid for his presidential run among the 353,739 candidates now on the Democrat ticket.

The governor just signed into law, after ending the death penalty, a woman’s right to abort about-to-be-born babies who could live outside the womb – up to the moment of birth. 

Shrugging off criticism of having passed a death sentence on babies after having ended the death penalty for murderers, Cuomo said, “Our base is what matters, not what people think.”

The new law means, if a mother chose to abort as soon as she is experiencing labor pains, or second thoughts, whichever came first, she can have the child’s head liquified and sucked out with a Hoover. In the name of progress, doctors will give classes to would-be serial killers and other progressives who might try their hands at this soon-to-be-popularized sport.

At the end of 2013 the governor passed laws against legal gun owners depriving them of their civil rights and ability to defend themselves and their unborn fetuses from violence about to happen to them by fans of the Democrat Cuomo. For example, abortionists. 

Serial killers, illegal gun smugglers, MS13 machete wielders and abortionists will be exempted from this law of course, even though all of these good people want to lawfully participate in any restriction that they will disregard. 

In fact statistics show the New York SAFE Act has been effective beyond expectations. 

For almost a half century from the time the AR15 has been available, no child in the state of New York has ever been killed by one. And in the five years since the passage of the NY SAFE Act, no child has been killed by an AR. This is clear evidence that eliminating AR15s is particularly effective to prevent violence against children by abortionists and other Democrats and New York’s governors.

Earlier the governor told the citizens that conservatives have no place in his state. They should just leave, said Mr. Cuomo. 

No problem, said the four million New Yorkers who have left the state in a single decade. 5700 millionaires left just in 2018. 

Some of these undesirable white trash, says NYC’s mayor Warren Wilhelm Jr, are rich and conservative, making them even more deplorable now ready to be fleeced.

The governor’s latest proposal about to be approved by the wholly Democrat-controlled assembly is to combine the governor’s previous achievements controlling people with his progressive thinking about controlling conservatives. 

Added to appropriations for government is the governor’s proposal to fund Black Lives Matter and other charitable groups committed to the pursuit of breathing. More funding will provide abortion services to any progressive New Yorker wishing to abort their conservative-leaning college-age children who read about economics by Milton Friedman or wear MAGA hats.

The proposed law will allow for the abortion of conservatives after birth up to the age of 85. Older conservatives will be allowed to live, but not provided with air because the elderly add to global warming. 

The governor promised, if he gets elected president, to expand his policy to the rest of the nation by then mostly filled with the entire population of South America, ex-cons and gang bangers from Chicago, MS13, the homeless and fattened lesbians. 

To promote intersectionality, the highest form of honor shall be recognized for migrants of color, Hispanic, MS13 member having a long rap sheet with frequent rape convictions, having no address, and lesbian of sentiment.

In order to implement Andrew Cuomo’s strategy the legislature is asking New York’s citizens to end the crime of conservatism and thinking for oneself in his state, identify their conservative neighbors, sons and daughters, fathers and mothers and other relatives, by simply calling the hotline 1-800-CONSERVATIVE. The abortions of millions of these deplorables will be facilitated by New York’s finest whose lives no longer matter. 

Conservatives and other undesirables have no place in the State of New York, said the governor, and they will be aborted promptly after a short inquisition to determine if they ever entertained improper thoughts.

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by Kommissar Chernobylski originally appeared on The Peoples Cube.

Glorious posters to support Venezuela’s Democratic Socialism

American workers and peasants! A danger is creeping over the beloved socialist government in Venezuela. A Yankee imperialist coup is about to overthrow their heroic leader, who has a unanimous support of all progressive celebrities and Democratic Socialists in the U.S. It compels us to produce these Party-approved slogans and visual agitation, to be printed in thousands of copies, displayed and chanted enthusiastically at Party-organized spontaneous rallies in your neighborhoods, schools, factories, and collective farms.

Comrades! Struggle to keep the countries of winning democratic socialism pure! Do not allow capitalism to destroy their hard-earned, hard-fought economic equality!

Who are we to impose our Western imperialist values on these suffering minorities? Their glorious Marxist leaders have all been democratically and unanimously elected by 150% of the people, with a 100% turnout. Remind yourselves that they are on the right side of history, and the Glorious Progressive World of Next Tuesday is just around the corner. It’s simply taking a little longer than we had anticipated a hundred years ago.

KORREKTION: It appears that our agitprop artist has made a typo, misspelling “pure” as “poor.” A swift investigation by a tribunal has determined that the error occurred while the artist, who is not a native English speaker, was taking our directions over an audio receiver. Rest assured that the guilty have been punished and the artist will never paint again on account of having his fingers broken during the necessary interrogation.

RELATED ARTICLES:

The promise of Democratic Socialism

Show Your Support for the Democratic Party’s 50 State Plan

Our Glorious American Socialism

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column with images by Red Square originally appeared on The Peoples Cube. It is republished with permission.

And the smirk, don’t forget the smirk

See more at Confederacy of Drones.

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In a bold move, Robert Mueller expanded his investigative and law enforcement powers to include the authority to read facial expressions and assess fashion statements. 

Seeing the potential end to the current Russian collusion investigation, that so far has netted only post-election process violations having nothing to do with collusion, Mueller expanded his powers to include mental telepathy. Mueller explained that it was the next obvious step in the evolution of his authoritarian powers. “I’ve been given so much free reign in these investigations that sixth sense was the only possible new power to be exploited” said Mueller as he attended his weekly back-rub from CNN executives. He added that “fashion police authority was just a bonus.” 

Combining telepathic knowledge of what a smirk really means with the poor fashion choice of MAGA hats put the unfortunate Convington Catholic High School students square in his cross hairs … and indictment writing pen. 

In response to a reporter who accidentally asked Mueller a hard question about legal aspects of fashion indictments, the Special Counsel lead investigator replied, “And your Social Security number is what?”

A Handy Guide To Facial Expressions by The Babylon Bee.

RELATED VIDEO: New Gillette Ad (parody)

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by Confederacy of Drones with images originally appeared on The Peoples Cube. It is republished with permission.

How The People’s Cube Owns Wokeness Like a True Boss

Diverse members of the Cube kollektive! Everybody knows that it is now the ”in” thing to be woke. Being woke is being korrekt, and being korrekt is being woke. Wokeness has certain markers, and I have carefully taken a long time looking at all of the evidence, and have thus determined that all evidence points to the fact that we at the People’s Cube are not just woke – we’re still woke, and have always been woke. We were woke before everyone else was woke. We are the forefront pioneers of wokeness. 

The evidence is undeniable: 

Attention to current events. Our search for the most current truth never stops. Thus, before Chicago declared Obama’s birthday to be a holiday, we’ve been drinking beet vodka and throwing cool parties at Tractor Barn #2 on this day since 2008. Take that, newly woke people!!

Representation. No one represents more minority groups than we do – including dead historical personages, singular brains and other body parts, all sorts of mammals, inanimate objects, and household appliances, especially toasters, which one of us has married. For good measure of an example: I myself am the People’s State-approved minority furry trash <3. Enough said.

Mindless obedience. One can’t be called woke without a blind and unconditional acceptance of the word and the divine authority of the Party, the State, and the Media. Our members never tire of korrekting each other’s thinking and denouncing the guilty of wrongthink. 

Leaders of tomorrow. We at the People’s Cube have developed the concept of The Glorious World of Next Tuesday™. While everyone focuses on the here and now, our focus is on the future, which makes us the pioneers of wokeness. While others follow, we seize the front and tell you what to think. We tell you who’s on the korrekt side of history and who is not – because we’ve seen the future and ran away. It’s therefore not a coincidence that society, and life always imitates/emulates The People’s Cube. Always.

Have you Cubists found more evidence? Kindly submit it into the replies below.

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The People’s Anthony Sullivan originally appeared on The Peoples Cube. It is republished with permission.

The New Democrat Socialist Debt Card Set To Be Issued

Democrat Socialists have partnered with a major bank to issue a new line of “debt cards” (no pun intended). According to anonymous CNN sources there are two draft designs being considered, the Democrat Socialist Member Card (DSMC):

And the MarxistCard:

Both cards are being shown to focus groups of Democrat Socialist Party members in New York City, NY and Berkeley, CA. The debt card receiving the most votes (like Hillary) will be declared the winner (unlike Hillary).

The first card will be issued to the “girl from Brooklyn” Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez to recognize her as the first Democrat Socialist elected to the Congress of the former United States of America.

To qualify for this debt card one must become a card carrying member (no pun intended) of the Democrat Socialist Party (formerly know as the I’m With Bernie Party). The new card has no limits on spending and card holders are not responsible to pay off their debt.

Once a MarxistCard is issued the Democrat Socialist in the former United States of America may begin buying whatever their hearts desire. The accumulated debt will be paid by those who are not MarxistCard holders and the 1%.

The MarxistCard cannot be used to purchase the following items:

  1. Any fire arm.
  2. A Bible or Torah.
  3. An American flag.
  4. A Trump 2020 hat, shirt, bumper sticker or yard sign.

The MarxistCard can be used to purchase the following items:

  1. Armed guards.
  2. A Quran, Mein Kampf (English or German versions), The Communist Manifesto and Rules for Radicals.
  3. The flag of any nation but the United States
  4. A Hillary 2020 hat, shirt, bumper sticker or yard sign.

The card is accepted in most retail and wholesale outlets that support Democrat Socialist ideals, which include Amazon, Apple, Target, Dick’s Sports and any store carrying goods made in China. MarxistCard holders will receive major discounts for tickets to Hollywood films such as “Vice” and “RGB”, the Broadway play “Hamilton”, plus all documentaries by Michael Moore and Al Gore.

The MarxistCard cannot be used at Chick-fil-A.

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by originally appeared in Pravda USA (a.k.a. TNYT).