In Genius Move, Trump Supports Impeachment, Forcing Democrats To Oppose

WASHINGTON, D.C.—The impeachment hearings have been thrown into chaos after President Trump announced that he supports impeachment, forcing Democrats to oppose their own impeachment inquiry.

“Impeachment? I’m for it. Great idea. Best idea, maybe ever,” he said, adding that he’s “getting kinda sick of all this winning anyway.”

“Sure, why not. Impeach me. I love it. Whatever. Now I’m gonna go watch Joker again. Great film. What’s that guy’s name? Phoenix something. Bob Phoenix, that’s it. Tremendous actor—absolutely perfect.”

Democrats quickly condemned his statements. Pelosi said, “It’s clear that Trump wants to be impeached because he’s not good at being president. Well, we’re going to show him a thing or two by forcing him to stay in the White House and finish out his term.”

“And Joker is alt-right propaganda,” she said, falling for Trump’s ploy to make Dems condemn one of the most successful, beloved films of the year.

One pundit on CNN suggested that Trump is supporting impeachment at the request of Putin or the guy from Ukraine or “whichever conspiracy thing we’re pushing this month, I forget.”

At publishing time, Democrats had also withdrawn from the 2020 race to teach Trump a lesson.


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Capitol Building To Be Decorated As Giant Circus Tent For Duration Of Impeachment Hearings

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In honor of the impeachment hearings beginning this week, the Capitol Building has been decorated to look like a giant circus tent.

As soon as congressional maintenance staff heard that the impeachment hearings were going to begin, they went into storage and got out “the Big Top,” also used during the Kavanaugh hearings last year.

“We keep the Big Top on hand for certain situations,” said one staff member. “Usually these big inquisition-style trials, that kind of thing. They’re great entertainment. And the kids love the monkeys.”

Congressional vendors will be selling peanuts, popcorn, programs, and those big foam fingers to enhance viewers’ experience.

Rep. Adam Schiff was furious with the changes, saying they make a mockery out of a serious show trial.

“These are serious proceedings, and we will not have them mocked!” Schiff cried, wearing a clown nose, riding an elephant, and juggling fourteen flaming bowling pins. “The American public needs to know how super serious we are about this.”

“And now for my last stunt, I will create evidence for impeachment out of thin air!”


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Hillary Clinton Says She Is Being Urged To Run By Many, Many, Many Voices In Her Head

UK—In an interview with the BBC, Hillary Clinton said she is being urged to run for president in 2020 by “many, many, many” voices in her head.

“I’m under enormous pressure from many, many, many voices in my head to think about it,” she said. She went on, elaborating on all the voices that echo inside her head all day long. “There’s Bob—he’s nice. And Carl, he’s a swell guy, very supportive. Then there’s this voice that sounds like Christopher Walken. He’s kind of a jerk sometimes, but even he’s on board with me running again.”

Pressed for a solid figure, she said there’s “at least a few thousand” of these voices that want her to run, and she promised to think about it in order to appease the voices. Clinton also said the voices have told her she’s done a great job as president in her first term and they “can’t wait” to see how much she can accomplish for the country should she be elected a second time.


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Greta Thunberg Mural Equipped With Laser Eyes That Shoot At SUVs

SAN FRANCISCO, CA—A new mural in downtown San Francisco of Swedish teenage climate activist Greta Thunberg has a surprise for passersby: her eyes are equipped with high-powered lasers designed to seek and destroy carbon-emitting SUVs on the streets below.

“We want the mural to really make a positive impact in the fight against climate change,” a spokesperson told sources. “Greta’s pouty glare is certain to generate guilt and shame in many motorists, but that didn’t seem like enough. By adding the lasers, we can begin taking out the worst offenders in their Hummers and Land Rovers.”

When the lasers were first activated, they immediately targeted the carbon-emitting hydraulic cranes and aerosol paint sprayers used to create the mural. The glitch has since been fixed.

Sources confirm the lasers will be suspended when Al Gore and other climate activist celebrities visit San Francisco and drive through town with their fleet of Suburbans and Escalades.


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Kamala Harris Proposes Dropping Kids Off At School When They Turn 5 And Picking Them Back Up When They Turn 30

U.S.—Kamala Harris has unveiled her latest amazing policy proposal: having parents drop their kids off at government schools when they turn 5 and not picking them up until they turn 30.

The proposal would have parents bid goodbye to their children when they drop them off at kindergarten and not see them again until they graduate with a postgraduate degree or at least have backpacked in Europe for a few years after high school.

“Trust us—we’ll take great care of your kids for those 25 years,” she said at a campaign stop Wednesday. “When has the government teaching your children ever gone wrong?”

One person tried to answer but was arrested. “Nobody has any objections? That’s what I thought,” Harris said.

Harris believes the proposal will help working mothers not have to worry about their kids for several decades, during their most formative years when their “malleable little minds” can be influenced. Harris believes the system would help kids get indoctrinated at a much faster rate than today’s school system.

“Today, we only get, like, 6 or 7 hours with your kids,” he said. “It’s far too little time to really turn them into good communists. We need at least 24 hours a day to get the desired results.”

Harris says the proposal is optional, though if you choose not to participate, your home may be subject to a no-knock raid in which you will likely get shot in the face.


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RELATED VIDEO: MAGA by the American people.

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Archaeologists Discover AR-15 Cain Used To Kill Abel

IRAQ—Archaeologists working near the ancient Fertile Crescent made a stunning discovery Friday morning: the AR-15 Cain used to kill Abel as recorded in the Bible.

Scholars have long suspected Cain could not have committed history’s first murder without access to some kind of assault weapon since guns are the root of all violence. Now, there’s proof, in the form of Cain’s personal, heavily customized AR-15.

“Cain was planning on using a rock, but the area was designated as a rock-free zone,” said one leading scholar at the dig site. “So of course, he had to use the next best thing: an AR-15.”

“If only there were sensible gun control laws, humanity’s first-ever homicide could have been avoided.” Researchers believe Cain bought the gun illegally, however, utilizing a little-known gun show loophole.

Several spent shell casings were discovered nearby. The gun had scary features like a handle, a stock, a barrel, and an “eye-looky thingy,” according to media firearm experts at the site. All of these features made the murder “triple bad,” since if it had just looked like a wooden hunting rifle, it would not be as scary.

At publishing time, scholars had also discovered a ticket stub to the Joker movie nearby, suggesting Cain was a white male incel influenced by Joaquin Phoenix’s disturbing performance.

MORE BABYLON BEE SATIRE:

Bible Scholars Now Believe Writing On The Wall Actually Said ‘Epstein Didn’t Kill Himself’

Good Shepherd Leaves 99 Waffle Fries To Find The 1 That Fell Down Crack Between Seats


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Millennial Wishes There Were Some Historical Examples Of Socialism We Could Study To Have Some Idea How It Might Turn Out

PORTLAND, OR—Local socialist millennial man Matthew Hatter lamented Monday that there are no concrete examples of socialism he can point to in order to have some kind of idea how it would turn out.

“If only there were other countries that have tried socialism before,” Hatter said to a friend at an ethical coffee shop, Commiebrews, Monday afternoon, after he finished his paper route. “Then, we could see if there are any pitfalls.”

Hatter said it’d be nice if there were books that covered things like world history and economics that we could read. If that were the case, Hatter said, we could abandon socialism if it looked dangerous or proceed with socialism if every country that implemented it were incredibly successful.

“Like, say some countries in South America tried socialism before and everybody starved to death,” he said. “Or if there were major superpowers who implemented socialism and then, like, 100 million people died—that would be really bad. We could look to these ‘books of history’ and decide that wouldn’t be the route for us.”

“Alas, sadly, this isn’t the case, so the country will just have to be pioneers and try socialism to see what it’s like.”

Hatter said he’s just glad that if socialism turns out to be terrible, no other country would be dumb enough to follow in our footsteps.

RELATED SATIRE: 

‘We Are Not The Enemy Of The People,’ Say Press Who Intentionally Deceive The People To Protect The Political Elite

ABC News Claims Story On Epstein Was Accidentally Thrown Out Then Shredded Into Tiny Pieces And Incinerated

Stubborn Switchfoot Fan Refuses To Move


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Obama Canceled After Activists Dig Up Old Presidential Campaign Where He Opposed Gay Marriage

CHICAGO, IL—Former President Barack Obama caused a stir while speaking at a summit in Chicago. He called out “cancel culture,” telling people that doing things like being “judgmental” and “casting stones” wasn’t helping anyone and was just causing further divisions.

This caused immediate outrage from the left. “So now he doesn’t want us judging NAZIS?!” exclaimed progressive activist Lucia James. Now knowing that Obama is a nazi-sympathizer, activists dug into Obama’s past for other evidence of alt-right sympathies and soon made public a discovery: Back in 2007 and 2008, Obama ran a presidential campaign in which he opposed gay marriage.

Obama at first denied the allegation that he said these things over a decade ago, but when confronted with the evidence admitted he had run as a presidential candidate who opposed gay marriage. He claimed he has now learned his lesson and asked for forgiveness.

Left-wing activists say, “Absolutely not.”

“Forgiving that homophobe would be an insult to all the oppressed people who got oppressed,” said online commentator Austin Cross. Activists say that instead of forgiving him, they will cancel him and also hunt down anyone who voted for the homophobe Obama in 2008 so that they as well can be cast into the outer darkness away from the light of wokeness, where there will be “wailing and gnashing of teeth,” though occasionally you get to “enjoy a joke from Dave Chappelle.”

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire from The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. © All rights reserved.

Tiny bits of ISIS: Gunpowder flavored dog food

Tiny bits of ISIS: Gunpowder flavored dog food. For happier, healthier dogs. Hellfire-smoked Bag-h-dadi. Can be used as training treats.

This was originally a comment on another thread, but given an overwhelming response on social media, I made it into a standalone topic.

Trump shares image of Laika the Space Dog getting a medal

EDITORS NOTE: This political Satire by Cone of Silence originally appreared on The Peoples Cube. It is republished with permission. All rights reserved.

CDC: People With Dirt On Clintons Have 843% Greater Risk Of Suicide

ATLANTA, GA – According to a report from the Centers for Disease Control released on Thursday, people with inside, compromising knowledge of Bill and Hillary Clinton’s financial and political dealings are 843% more likely to commit suicide.

“We’ve never seen a single risk factor cause a spike of this magnitude,” a CDC spokesperson told reporters. “Interestingly, in spite of their increased suicide risk, people with dirt on the Clintons rarely show any warning signs of suicide, and they never leave a suicide note.”

Remarking about how abnormal it is, the spokesman again stressed the significance of the data.

“Therefore, we advise any American with detrimental information about Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, or the Clinton Foundation to forget about it as quickly as possible to avoid a greatly increased probability of taking your own life,” he cautioned.

“And—I swear—that’s all we know.”


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Texas Luring Jobs Away From California With Promises Of Electricity

U.S.—New billboards have been popping up in California with the slogan “Move to Texas: We have electricity!” Many see this as a play to lure jobs away from California, as many jobs rely on electricity, especially in the modern economy. This could especially be attractive to jobs in the tech sector.

Roy Rivera, a tech analyst with decades of experience in cutting edge technology, explained that “a lot of tech uses electricity.” He then pointed to a chart showing that tech businesses can be at least 300% more effective when they have power.

California Governor Gavin Newsom was dismissive of Texas’s claims, though. “They’re making false claims of being able to deliver electricity 24/7,” Newsom said, “but it just can’t be done.” Newsom was also dismissive of the Lone Star State’s other claims, such as affordable housing, plenty of water, cheap gas, plastic straws, and not constantly being on fire. “It sounds made up,” said Newsom. “I don’t even think there is a Texas.”

California plans to fight back. It’s now working on a wall to keep people and jobs from leaving California. The planned wall should extend along the entire California border, except for the southern part.

EDITORS NOTE: This Babylon Bee political satire is republished with permission of the Bee Master. © All rights reserved.

Pierre Delecto: Mitt Romney reveals his porn star name

If Mitt Romney were to take paid lessons from Carlos Danger, he couldn’t have picked a more upright Twitter handle than Pierre Delecto, which is French/Latin for “Delightful Peter.”

The clues were all out there, we just didn’t know how to look. Observe these headlines from recent years:

Mitt Romney’s Porn Star Endorsements

Mitt Romney and a porno spoof

Mitt Romney’s Secret Life as a Pornographer

First Lady of Porn Jenna Jameson Endorses Mitt Romney

Marriott, Mitt Romney, and porn

One might say that although these are all very progressive, Party-approved truthful media organs, they could be a bit biased because Mitt Romney opposed Obama as a Republican.

And yet these are the organs of the elites with whom Romney has been trying to get in bed ever since Trump had won the election. By doing so, he has been endorsing everything they had ever said about him in the past.

Thus, Romney admits that he is not only a high school bully, a capitalist predator, a murderer of cancer victims, a torturer of dogs, a slaver of women in binders – he is also a secret pornographer.

Wear your porn star name with pride, Pierre Delecto. You’ve earned it.

EDITORS NOTE: This Peoples Cube political satire column by Red Square is republished with permission. © All rights reserved.

VIDEO: Carpe Donktum’s Response to the NYT Star Wars Meme

Carpe Donktum published the following on his YouTube channel:

EDITORS NOTE: If you like Carpe Donktum‘s Memes, consider supporting my work either through my Patreon Account or Paypal. Paypal: paypal.me/CarpeDonktum Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/carpedonktum. © All rights reserved.

A Democratic Version of “Imagine”

With apologies to John Lennon.

IMAGINE

Imagine if the Dems win the election,
it’s easy if you try.
No God or heaven, above us only sky.

Imagine no possessions,
no ability to defend ourselves;
no combustion engines, no cars, no airplanes,
a void in transportation and
no way to produce anything.

Imagine all the people,
living life as feudal serfs.
You may say I’m a dreamer,
but I’m scared as hell.
One day you will be forced to join them,
you simply won’t have any choice.

Imagine no meat or income,
only climate change;
no education or history,
above us only fake news.

Imagine no honesty, ethics or shame,
only mind control.
Long lines for health care,
and nobody to pay the bill.

Imagine all the people,
living life as feudal serfs.
You may say I’m a dreamer,
but I’m scared as hell.
I hope someday we’ll wake up,
and the shining house on the hill will rise again.

Keep the Faith!

P.S. – Also do not forget my new books, “How to Run a Nonprofit” and “Tim’s Senior Moments”, both available in Printed and eBook form.

EDITORS NOTE: This Bryce is Right column is republished with permission. © All rights reserved. All trademarks both marked and unmarked belong to their respective companies.

VIDEO: Watch ‘DEMageddon’ — The Epic Tale of the 2016 Election

Carpe Donktum (@CarpeDonktum) tweeted:

Just found out that after ONE YEAR in YouTube Jail, my epic Meme Movie DEMageddon is now available on YouTube again!

Enjoy the epic tale of the 2016 election!

Please visit Carpe Donktum’s YouTube channel (if it is still up) no pun intended.