A Democratic Version of “Imagine”

With apologies to John Lennon.

IMAGINE

Imagine if the Dems win the election,
it’s easy if you try.
No God or heaven, above us only sky.

Imagine no possessions,
no ability to defend ourselves;
no combustion engines, no cars, no airplanes,
a void in transportation and
no way to produce anything.

Imagine all the people,
living life as feudal serfs.
You may say I’m a dreamer,
but I’m scared as hell.
One day you will be forced to join them,
you simply won’t have any choice.

Imagine no meat or income,
only climate change;
no education or history,
above us only fake news.

Imagine no honesty, ethics or shame,
only mind control.
Long lines for health care,
and nobody to pay the bill.

Imagine all the people,
living life as feudal serfs.
You may say I’m a dreamer,
but I’m scared as hell.
I hope someday we’ll wake up,
and the shining house on the hill will rise again.

Keep the Faith!

P.S. – Also do not forget my new books, “How to Run a Nonprofit” and “Tim’s Senior Moments”, both available in Printed and eBook form.

EDITORS NOTE: This Bryce is Right column is republished with permission. © All rights reserved. All trademarks both marked and unmarked belong to their respective companies.

VIDEO: Watch ‘DEMageddon’ — The Epic Tale of the 2016 Election

Carpe Donktum (@CarpeDonktum) tweeted:

Just found out that after ONE YEAR in YouTube Jail, my epic Meme Movie DEMageddon is now available on YouTube again!

Enjoy the epic tale of the 2016 election!

Please visit Carpe Donktum’s YouTube channel (if it is still up) no pun intended.

VIDEO: Someone Told Me, “Go Back to Where You Came From!”

It’s easy to laugh at people such as Democrat Georgia state representative Erica Thomas and her anguish at being told, as she relates it, that she should “go back” to where she came from.

That is, until it happens to you.

Here is my story:

Contact Selwyn Duke, follow him on Gab (preferably) or Twitter, or log on to SelwynDuke.com.

Democratic Party’s Game Plan for USA — Use the 12 Step Venezuela Model

Chronology of Venezuela’s Transition from Prosperity to Socialism.

The Venezuela Model:

  1. 1992: Venezuela became 3rd richest country in Western Hemisphere.
  2. 1997: Venezuelans became 2nd largest purchaser of F-150.
  3. 2001: Venezuela voted for a Socialist President to address “income inequality.”
  4. 2004: Private Healthcare is completely socialized.
  5. 2007: All higher education becomes “free.”
  6. 2009: Socialist banned private ownership of guns.
  7. 2012: Bernie Sanders said, “Venezuelans are living the American Dream better than Americans.”
  8. 2014: Opposition leaders are imprisoned.
  9. 2016: Food shortages become widespread.
  10. 2017: Constitution and elections suspended.
  11. 2019: Venezuelans massacred by their own government.
  12. Civil War begins…

Chronology of America’s Transition from Prosperity to Socialism.

  1. 2017: America becomes richest country in the world.
  2. 2018: Americans become the largest purchasers of just about everything.
  3. 2020: Americans vote for Socialist Democrat President to address “equality for all.”
  4. 2021: Private Healthcare is completely socialized.
  5. 2022: All higher education becomes “free” and all student dept is forgiven.
  6. 2023: Democratic Socialists ban private ownership of guns.
  7. 2024: Bernie Sanders says, “Venezuelans are living the American Dream better than Americans.”
  8. 2025: Opposition leaders are imprisoned.
  9. 2026: Food shortages become widespread.
  10. 2027: U.S. Constitution and elections suspended.
  11. 2028: Americans massacred by their own government.
  12. Civil war begins…

Everything is on the line on November 3rd, 2020.

The Alternative Secret History of the World

Excuse me while I question your patriotism, progressive comrades. The Fourth of July is coming and you will not be celebrating it — not with the same thoughts and emotions as the rest of your countrymen. If you have been undermining this country for most of the year, why should this day be different?

A critical look at history always helps if it is based on objective reality and an understanding that our age, just like any historical age, is only a flight of stairs in an endless stairwell leading us up, away from barbarism, towards civilization. Trying to cut corners will only bring you down.

Another sure thing to bring you down is the multiculturalist idea that “up” and “down” are morally equal. If that were true, nobody would have risen above his surroundings, because going down is easier and more natural. But humans are different from the rest of the physical world in that in a free state we tend to go up. Moving upwards is in our nature. Leave us to our own devices and watch. “Up” is where we go to pursue happiness – in more ways than one. That brings us back to the Fourth of July and the different ways to look at it.

The history that we know does not corroborate anti-American talking points. Could there perhaps be some hidden version of history that we don’t know? An alternative secret history of the world from which the “progressive” activists, journalists, and politicians draw their talking points? Social criticism implies the existence of an alternative. We never hear much about the alternative to American history or, for that matter, a hypothetical world history without the United States.

The Alternative Secret History of the World According to the Liberal Left

“Prior to July 4, 1776, not a single person in the world starved, got sick, worked hard for a living, or experienced any pain nor anxiety.”With so many zealots simmering in the anti-American melting pot of “progress,” one might think they had already cooked some shared historical narrative in which anti-Americanism actually makes sense and the entire Leftist agenda doesn’t appear so absurd. What is it?

Most “progressive” critics either don’t think that far, or they don’t have the guts to give their views a full exposure. So let’s do it for them. Let’s connect the dots with logical lines and reconstruct a historical narrative that would validate all the liberal bumper stickers.

Prior to July 4, 1776, not a single person in the world starved, got sick, worked hard for a living, or experienced any pain and anxiety. No one had ever been oppressed or unfairly exploited because the oppressive and unfair American system had not yet been created.

Since the beginning of time employment had been equally guaranteed to anyone who cared to work, along with an equal pay of exactly $1,000 a week regardless of outcome, occupation, or the geographical area. All work was equally pleasant and enjoyable. Those who chose not to work also received $1,000 a week in unemployment compensation and Union benefits. Other guaranteed people’s rights included the right to housing and free universal health care, as well as the right to 100% literacy through federally funded public education.

People never heard of wars, crime, corruption, slavery, torture, murder, cannibalism, and man-made hurricanes. Peace and harmony reigned supreme because the concepts of greed, selfishness, and private property had not yet been invented by the American corporate interests and maliciously spread around the world as part of the American cultural hegemony.

Each person in that ideal world practiced his or her own peaceful spirituality, worshipping Earth, Nature, and the Sacred Feminine, while honoring the spiritual traditions of everyone else. Benevolent chieftains dispensed benefits to their subjects to each according to their needs, making sure that ethnic and sexual minorities were equally and proportionally represented in all spheres of public life. Habeas Corpus was the law of the land, along with Exit Strategy and Geneva Conventions.

Family planning, effective birth control, and early sex education ensured that every family had exactly 2.2 children per household, which prevented overpopulation and famine. Commerce, travel, and international trade were uncommon; everyone lived and died within not more than a five-mile distance from their birthplace. People didn’t feel the need to migrate, set up colonies, take over other countries, create empires, settle in uninhabited areas, or fight one another over a creek in the desert.

All farming was organic and for subsistence purposes only. The environment was clean due to reliance on alternative fuels and invigorating manual labor. As a result, everybody lived in comfortable, carbon-neutral houses, eating plenty of good food on a regular basis, and driving fuel-efficient automobiles when they weren’t riding their 18-speed urban cruiser bicycles.

This was an amazing achievement of indigenous cultures considering that there had been no division of labor and most people lived on farms. In the free time that remained after toiling the soil and tending to the animals, the indigenous farmers discerned the laws of nature, developed vaccines for deadly illnesses, stretched out the average lifespan prodigiously, and fed the starving in far away places.

This Golden Age lasted from about 20,000 BC up until the American Revolution. After 1776 everything just went downhill.

Immediately upon declaring their Independence, the Americans began the theft of native Indian lands, industries, highways, and communications infrastructure. The Americans used Black slave labor to invent things that would give them an unfair edge over other cultures: cotton gin, bifocals, steam power pumps, self propelled amphibious vehicles, coffee pot, sewing machine, power tools, ether anesthesia, mechanical refrigerator, cylinder printing press, passenger elevator, burglar alarm, oil well drilling, repeating rifle, pin tumbler lock, roller skates, offset printing, barbed wire, dental drill, mimeograph, telephone, light bulb, hearing aid, electric fan, skyscraper, disposable camera, escalator, motion picture camera, safety razor, air conditioner, airplane, assembly line, frozen food, radio astronomy, television, chair lift, nylon, defibrillator, microwave oven, atomic bomb, carbon dating, Polaroid camera, polio vaccine, integrated circuit, oral contraceptive, laser, computer, operating system, optical fiber, calculator, product barcode, space shuttle, artificial heart, internet, and graphic user interface.

Once they stole enough wealth and power, the Yankees moved on to exploit the rest of the world, setting up corporations on every street corner in order to oppress and humiliate people of other cultures, races, and religions. The corporations launched wars and endemic diseases to create economic need and political chaos from which, like Venus from the sea foam, the greedy bourgeois class was born. With the help of the local bourgeoisie, the Americans overthrew all of the free world’s honest and caring chieftains, replacing them with corrupt democratic regimes in order to steal their oil and destroy local ecosystems.

American preachers and missionaries confiscated all means of birth control from the aboriginal tribes, causing disastrous demographic explosions, followed by famine and more wars. Once the world was subdued and demoralized, Americans lowered indigenous people’s salaries to ten cents a day, at the same time forcing them to buy American goods by way of boldfaced advertising.

The American TV commercials insulted the refined tastes of subsistence farmers so much that they often threw organic eggs and vegan burgers at their plasma screens, destroying them and unwittingly creating a demand for even more TVs. With all the commotion they missed the advance of Global Warming, a clandestine project executed from the secret climate change centers paid for by American imperialists.

This alternative history may never be officially acknowledged, yet it is being implied in news radio and TV programming, film documentaries, Hollywood movies, UN resolutions, comedy shows, and political speeches — including those delivered by Democrats running for President — let alone millions of stickers, placards, T-shirts, and buttons sold at “progressive” junkets.

If I didn’t know the real history and was a little more gullible, as many public school graduates are today, such a narrative might also become a part of my perspective. I might conclude, along with such “progressive” minds as Sean Penn and Ben Affleck, that the United States is a force of evil. I might agree with Noam Chomsky and Ward Churchill that the world’s oppressed would be damned fools if they didn’t hate America and yearn for the destruction of this unspeakable beast. As a fair-minded person I might even give them a hand – as Ramsey Clark and Lynn Stewart have done, making the support of America’s enemies their full-time job and a life-long commitment.

I’d probably share a Utopian belief that once America as it exists today is eradicated, peace and harmony will be restored worldwide, and people will finally have a chance to live as one happy family without wars, greed, corruption, and evil corporations pursuing their racist agenda of climate change. Minority subsistence farmers will hurl their remote controls into the jungle, and everyone’s pay will go back to $1,000 a week plus union benefits.

I would certainly decide that the Fourth of July should not be celebrated. Why should we honor the greatest setback in the history of world progress? Rather than watch air-polluting fireworks, we must instead grieve with the rest of progressive humanity over the dark day that gave birth to the evil entity that is the United States of America.

But then again, if I were an intellectually honest public school graduate I might read a few books besides A People’s History of the United States: 1492-Present by Howard Zinn, an anti-American volume that had impressed Ben Affleck and Matt Damon so much that they featured it in “Good Will Hunting” (“That book will blow your hair back”), and even considered turning it into a TV mini-series starring Winona Ryder.

If I were to read about real history I might find out to my great astonishment that for many thousands of years the world’s wonderful cultures had been at each other’s throat, engrossed in feuds, rape, pillaging, slavery, theft of the neighbors’ resources, torture, murder, treachery, corruption, assassinations, and cannibalism. I’d learn that from the beginning of time, human history was a never-ending string of wars, famines, diseases, exploitation, poor hygiene, high infant mortality, and an average life expectancy of about 30 years. I’d gather that the world was mostly run by either ignorant witch doctors or ruthless tyrants who went to war for personal enjoyment, constructing pyramids out of the skulls of slain enemies.

Turks conquered cradles of ancient civilizations with turn-key cities and pre-existing infrastructure.

I’d also discover that people had been migrating all the time, moving to other lands and continents, setting up colonies and empires without asking permission from the natives, who often assimilated into one nation with the conquerors. The latest example is the Turkish Ottoman Empire whose conquest of heavily populated countries in Europe and the Middle East was happening simultaneously with the colonization of the sparsely populated Americas by the Europeans.

The Turks had come from far-away lands, stole the entire Asia Minor from the Christian natives, renamed their cities, and settled on their land for good. As the Americans fought a war against slavery, the Ottoman Empire continued to grow and expand its slave trade, bordering simultaneously on Austria, Morocco, Poland, Sudan, and Persia. The number of people killed, enslaved, converted, and driven from their land was much greater in the Ottoman Empire than in the entire Western hemisphere. Where is the outcry and demands of reparations?

If I were an inquisitive public school graduate I’d ask a question: if land theft and slave labor is what had made America so rich, why isn’t Turkey the richest country in the world? As opposed to the bare lands and deserts of the New World, the Turks conquered cradles of ancient civilizations with turn-key cities and pre-existing infrastructure. However, apart from oil deposits, the formerly Ottoman lands remain dirt-poor, with Turkey itself not far away in the lead.

But let’s not single out the Turks. Before them were the Mongols, who made no distinction between the civilians and the army, and whose conquest had lead to the creation of the world’s largest empire ruled by fear and iron discipline. How many millionaires does Mongolia have today? And before that were the Arabs who came as conquerors from the Arabian Peninsula, stole all of North Africa and Mesopotamia (modern Iraq) from the Christian natives, forcibly converted them to Islam, and settled on their land for good. And before them there had been conquests by the Huns, the Chinese, the Celts, the Greeks, the Romans, the Goths, the Persians, the Slavs, and many others who settled on other people’s lands simply because they could.

All cultures practiced slavery in one way or another. It stopped in Europe around the Middle Ages but continued to thrive in Africa, Asia, and in the Middle East. Through the contacts between the Arabs and the Portuguese it was reintroduced to Europe and the Americas. Although the European and American abolitionists eventually brought an end to slavery and slave trade on their territories, it still exists in various ugly forms in other parts of the world.

To get a glimpse of the thousand-year-old dark historical reality, look no further than Sudan where even today Arabs are practicing a racist form of slavery. Black African villages of Darfur are being ransacked, men and women killed and raped, their children taken away as slaves (and also raped repeatedly). Nothing can be done now to change old history, but something can and should be done to change the fate of black slaves today. Only the activists and “community leaders” who usually initiate such actions are so busy fuming over the suffering of black slaves in America seven generations ago that they have no time for the suffering of black slaves in today’s Sudan. Could it be because their real concern has never been the suffering of black slaves – but rather finding an excuse to trash the United States?

Another huge slaving outpost waiting to be freed is, of course, North Korea. Why aren’t there any calls from the “progressive” camp to abolish a form of neo-slavery called socialism? Why did the “progressives” call the USSR a “workers’ paradise” when it was being built by slave labor in concentration camps? If slavery is a certified path to prosperity, why didn’t half a century of suffering and millions of lives wasted in the gulag make the Soviet Union richer — but the new economic freedom did, despite the botched reforms and the ubiquitous government corruption? China had emulated the Soviet slave-labor economy with an even bigger army of political prisoners – and with an equally disastrous outcome. But when the Communist rulers abandoned slave labor in favor of capitalist reforms, the economy started to grow — and so did the standard of living.

If putting an end to slavery and giving people a small amount of freedom can bring forth such sizeable growth within only two decades in Russia and China, how much economic growth and prosperity can be achieved by a nation whose people have had two centuries of full economic and political freedom?

Have all cultures already arrived at the final point in their development?

To find the answer, look at a country that starts with “United” and ends with “States.” And that’s the end of the silly argument about America owing its prosperity to slave labor.

The continent of North America was settled in several waves by Siberian hunters, each wave accompanied by the theft of land and conquest. In what bank is that stolen wealth kept today? The arriving Europeans discovered a collection of half-naked warrior tribes killing one another for land, water, game, wives, and simply as a sport – just like anywhere else in the world thousands of years ago. Only some cultures had grown out of it, others had never risen, yet others had gone over the hill and slid back into barbarism. This begs a question: by what measure do we determine which stage of cultural development is the correct one and deserving of being frozen in time?

The multiculturalist dogma of the equality of all cultures raises even more questions. Have all cultures already arrived at the final point in their development? Is cultural achievement meaningless? Is the history of arts and sciences irrelevant? Is the complexity of social structure inconsequential? Is the respect for human dignity and individual rights an empty sound? Is there no difference between “up” and “down” on the stairwell of human progress? And if you believe all of that, can you still call yourself a “progressive” and keep a straight face?

History answers negatively to all those questions. World cultures aren’t equal and never have been. Humanity is a living, breathing, and evolving organism that thrives on cultural interaction and development, in which cultures compete for survival — and yes, fight with each other — but also learn from the best.

Today we are witnessing a major fight between two of the world’s cultures, one of which — the Islamic fundamentalists — got stuck at the lower steps of societal evolution and would like to drag the rest of the world down to their level, so that there would be nothing left above their heads to distract true believers from focusing on their toenails and pondering existential issues such as the foot hygiene of airline passengers.

If you listen to the “progressives” and believe that all cultures are equal, you might as well not resist and descend to their level as John Walker Lindh did.

If we want answers we shouldn’t be stopping the pioneers.

By the time you discover that the difference between “up” and “down” is not a fancy postmodernist notion, but a reality as essential as the difference between life and death, it may be too late. Not just for you but to those around you as well, within the kill radius of the shrapnel in your explosive belt.

Equating our two cultures is not just unnatural – it’s suicidal. We should consider ourselves lucky that a few generations ago Western nations managed to lift themselves out of the sewer in which humanity lived for thousands of years. These nations have mastered science, arts, medicine, increased life expectancy, and developed a legal system that grants more rights and freedoms to individual citizens than any other culture in history. The advancement is reciprocal: the more freedoms the individuals have, the better off the nation is economically.

At the head of this upward movement is the United States, the first nation to put individual freedoms above the government’s interests. Placing the government in the service of the people at an age when the rest of the world viewed the people as mere servants to their governments.

The vertical map of the world’s cultures is never a still picture; they are moving along the entire visible length of the stairwell of progress. The invisible flights of stairs are still ahead of us – a terra incognita. How far up does the stairwell go? Is there an end to it? How soon will humanity get there, and how much has already been covered? If we want answers we shouldn’t be stopping the pioneers. We must celebrate them.

As for the losers still down at the bottom, empathize with them all you want – but remember that you can afford this emotional luxury only because at least one part of humanity has found the ability to clean up their act and show the way to other nations – and a hope that one day, with the right attitude, the others may also climb out of the sewer.

And that is what the Fourth of July means to this author. Fireworks, barbecues, and department store sales are optional.

EDITORS NOTE: This column was originally published in PJMedia on July 3, 2007.

Chernobyl HBO Series: The Radiology of the Ideology

Comrades! After having watched with growing indignation all five episodes of the new HBO miniseries, Chernobyl, we feel it is our duty to denounce this show for its counter-revolutionary agitation and to report its creators for slander and sabotage to the proper authorities.

OFFICIAL TRAILER:

The show’s many thought crimes against progress and socialism pale in comparison with the egregious question asked at the very end: “what is the cost of lies?” It implies that in a socialist state people are afraid to speak the truth, and that the question on everyone’s mind is “what is the cost of truth?” while the question they should really be asking is about the cost of lies. According to the show, the cost of lies is a disaster of apocalyptic proportions.

The audiences are led to believe that the Soviet state was run on lies and that everyone in the chain of command lied to their subordinates and to their superiors alike, to cover their own behinds and to ensure career growth. That view is a gross deviation from the Party line.

Along with all progressive people of good will, we know that “lies” is what comes out of the mouths of the enemies of progress. What we say is never a “lie.” The preferred nomenclature here is the “current truth,” and it is subject to change without notice as per the interests of progress and socialism. The only exception is Gorbachev’s statement that Chernobyl had led to the collapse of the USSR. That is a lie.

Some ex-Soviet dissidents may similarly claim that the horror of Chernobyl was a metaphor for the failure of socialism. Everybody in the USSR, they say, had jobs in the monopolistic state-run economy, witnessing gross mismanagement and incompetence of their higher-ups on a daily basis and later telling bitter jokes about it. As things kept breaking all the time, the Party promoted role models who unthinkingly filled the cracks in the broken system at the cost of their own lives. The permanent state of crisis demanded individual sacrifices for the common good, validating the collectivist moral code.

The real surprise here was not that the Chernobyl reactor finally exploded, but that something of that nature hadn’t happened sooner and on a larger scale. Once that idea sank in with most Soviets, putting an end to the socialist system became a simple matter of their survival. Compounded with the degrading faith in the power of the state and the Party, it led to a psychological chain reaction and a proverbial 1991 meltdown five years later.

Such understanding is complete rubbish. The current truth is, of course, that the accident was caused by the agents of Zionism and Yankee imperialism, and the Communist Party was truly a guiding force in the heroic struggle of the Soviet workers, who sacrificed their lives for the glory of the Motherland and for the victory of socialism around the world.

The series neglected to mention that five days after the nuclear explosion, millions of residents of Kiev, the Ukrainian capital city 70 miles south of the reactor, poured into the streets to partake in the official May Day parade, the annual celebration of the international solidarity of workers. The revelers hadn’t been informed about the radiation for their own good, or else they would’ve been fleeing in panic rather than demonstrating the unbreakable bond between the Soviet people and the Communist Party. Every progressive person of good will would agree that given the choice between the radiology and the ideology, the ideology prevails and the show must always go on. By then, of course, all the top Party leaders and their families had left the city in an organized fashion; the state couldn’t afford to lose their most valuable cadres.

Another reason to ban this HBO series is its blatant white nationalism. As noted by one British filmmaker who happens to be a young woman of color, “there are so many great actors of colour in this country that would’ve been amazing in #chernobyl.” She was disappointed to see “yet another hit show with a massive cast that makes it looks like PoC don’t exist.” And yet, an entire gang of Russian miners – all played by Caucasian actors – was filmed in blackface. Couldn’t the directors just hire black actors for that, saving on makeup and sparing themselves an embarrassment? As for the lack of racial diversity complaint, let’s just say that the Soviet Union’s glorious diversity of black and brown people at all levels of government could only be rivaled by its diversity of thought. Here’s a little-known fact: Vladimir Lenin was 1/1024th Native American.

And yet, in spite of all their efforts to distort the Party-approved history, the makers of Chernobyl couldn’t avoid showing the selfless heroism of the Soviet people under the caring leadership of the Communist Party. Neither could they hide the workers’ spectacular living conditions at state-run housing projects, as well as the poignant visual agitation and propaganda in the form of artistic murals, portraits of Lenin, and a red banner saying “Our goal is the happiness of all mankind.” We dare you to disagree with that slogan.

On behalf of all progressive workers and peasants, we demand that all digital copies of this muckraking British-American series be destroyed, all digits be scrambled and buried under a ton of concrete like the radioactive dead dogs in Episode 4. All TV schedules must be retroactively cleansed of this title to erase the memory of its existence, and this very report must be also burned after reading along with all the viewing equipment.

New York Times Falsely Claims No One Believes Muslim Brotherhood is a Terror Group

David Kirkpatrick at the New York Times is without a doubt the most deeply dishonest journalist working the Islamic beat today. Kirkpatrick ‘s favorite thing in life seems to be the Muslim Brotherhood. So when there was talk that the Trump administration might designate the Brotherhood a terrorist group, the Times decided to have Kirkpatrick write up an explainer defending the Brotherhood.

And this may be the most bizarre line in that deeply dishonest explainer.

No. Even experts critical of the Brotherhood agree that the organization does not meet the criteria for a terrorist group.

Really?

Three experts at the DeSantis hearing on the Brotherhood agreed that it was.

Which experts does Kirkpatrick mean? Who knows. He later cites “historians”, but never clarifies which historians he means.

Experts critical of the Brotherhood have been highly supportive of this move.

“Historians say there has been no evidence since then that the Egyptian Brotherhood, as an organization, has engaged in violence,” Kirkpatrick writes.

Are these nameless historians aware of the assassination of Hisham Barakat and the conviction of Muslim Brotherhood members for that attack?

Since the military takeover of Egypt’s government in 2013, some members of the Brotherhood have broken off to form organizations that carry out acts of violence against the military-backed government.

Two of those groups, Hasm and Liwa al-Thawra, have been designated as terrorist organizations by the United States government.

Kirkpatrick’s argument is that the Muslim Brotherhood is not a terror group, it just keeps generating them, over and over again, as plausible deniability.

But even experts who consider the Muslim Brotherhood sinister say that they have never seen enough evidence to convince a court that it was a terrorist group.

Those “experts” keep saying things.

But let’s stop listening to Kirkpatrick ‘s imaginary experts and listen to the Brotherhood.

“Suicide attacks represent the highest level of martyrdom, because there are no civilians in Israel.” Sheikh Yusuf Al-Qaradawi.

“It is obligatory on all Muslims to resist any possible attack the US might launch against Iran,” Qaradawi said in a 2007 interview. “The U.S. is an enemy of Islam that has already declared war on Islam under the disguise of war on terrorism and provides Israel with unlimited support.”

In September 2004, Qaradawi proclaimed that it was a religious obligation for Muslims to fight U.S. and British troops in Iraq. The communiqué, signed by Qaradawi and 93 other clerics, said that “the Jihad – waging Iraqi people’s resistance to the foreign occupation … is a Shari’a duty incumbent upon anyone belonging to the Muslim nation, within and outside Iraq, who is capable of carrying it out,” and that it was “forbidden for any Muslim to offer support to the occupiers.”

Never enough evidence.

In a statement that aired on Al Jazeera TV in 2009, al-Qaradawi said the Holocaust was a “punishment” for Jews and expressed hope for Muslims to carry out another genocidal campaign in the future.

RELATED ARTICLE: Should the Muslim Brotherhood Be Labeled Terrorists?

EDITORS NOTE: This Jihad Watch column is republished with permission.

Trump Shakes Up Cabinet Again, Turns Left

MAR-A-LAGO CLUB, FL (UP) 1 Apr – In a stunning reversal of his first two years of his administration, President Trump today announced he has had a change of heart and now embraces the socialist platform. This was followed by several new cabinet nominations, including long-time opponent Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont as Secretary of Health and Human Services (HHS), replacing Alex Azar.

In a surprise move, former CNN Chairman Jeff Zucker was appointed press secretary, replacing Sarah Saunders. “I relish the opportunity to work closely with the President in this capacity.  He and I have had a close personal relationship for many years.  I trust his judgement and I’m confident he feels likewise.”

Other notable changes include:

Sen. Elizabeth Warren as Treasury Secretary, replacing Steven Mnuchin.  She is expected to change the tax structure to force increased payments by the upper class, estimated to be as much as a 1000% increase on people making more than $70,000.

Former Rep. Beto O’Rourke as Reich Minister of Public Enlightenment and Propaganda, replacing Joseph Goebbels.  He will be making a series of presentations standing on coffee tables in restaurants where he will be articulating the new Socialist Manifesto.

Sen. Kamala Harris as Reich Minister for Labour, replacing Franz Seldte.  The Senator will be responsible for building welcome centers along our southern border and providing guidance to immigrants for voting in the 2020 election.

Rep. Ilhan Omar as Ambassador to Israel, replacing David Friedman. She will be residing in East Jerusalem.

And Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez to the newly created Department of What’s Happening Now where she will be asked to speak regularly on television news talk shows, discussing the administration’s embrace of the New Green Deal.  She will be slightly delayed in assuming her new responsibilities as she has major periodontal surgery planned.

The president tweeted, “I look forward to working with these people.  They are just what the people want right now.  I can finally sit back, relax, and let them run the country for me.  I’ll now be able to spend more time playing golf with my old friend Vladimir Putin.  I can’t wait for my term to end so I can turn the keys over to Joe Biden, a true intellectual.”

He also tweeted, “April Fool!”

EDITORS NOTE: This Bryce is Right political satire column is republished with permission.

Mueller Bombshell: Trump Turned Me Into A Newt

According to a story by our reliable subsidiary, the Babylon Bee, former FBI director Robert Mueller ordered that Trump be weighed against a duck to determine whether the sitting president is a witch.

Because of the clearly established pattern of Russian collusion, Mueller stated that Trump may actually be an incarnation of Baba Yaga. “I wouldn’t be surprised if we find out he eats children,” said Mueller.

Mueller’s controversial comment has ignited a political firestorm. Indignant members of New York’s state legislature, feeling their reputations were impugned by association with Trump, wanted to make clear that they, and not Trump, are the real consumers of infants.

Unfazed, Mueller finally broke the most damning testimony yet proving Trump’s culpability regarding Russian interference in the 2016 election: “He turned me into a newt!”

A somewhat startled Christiane Amanpour blurted, “A newt!?” Appearing momentarily befuddled, Mueller seemed to recover himself and offer a rational explanation: “Well, I got better,” he said to satisfied nods among the press corps.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi was deeply concerned by revelations of Trump’s magical powers. “If he has power to turn good men like Mueller into a newt, he may have power to cast spells and confuse members of our party. No wonder Maxine thought Russia had invaded Korea. It was Trump! Impeachment is definitely back on the, er, table, and we’re not ruling out military options.”

Trump, of course, denies the allegations tweeting that any speculation about him turning anybody into a newt was, in his words, “fake news.”

From Comrade Red Square:

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by Komissar al-Blogunov  originally appeared on The Peoples Cube. It is hilariously republished with permission.

MUST WATCH VIDEO: Canary Mission Parody on IfNotNow Movement

The hilarious video that IfNotNow doesn’t want you to see… or share!

Follow us on Twitter: twitter.com/canarymission

Elizebeth Warren takes her dog Wahanassatta campaigning

Democratic Massachusetts Sen. Elizabeth Warren, who is a self-identified hominoid, has a new anthropomorphized advocate on the campaign trail – and Donald Trump Jr. says it’s proof that she is struggling to resonate with her homo sapiens base as a bipedal homo erectus.

Warren, who declared her intention to seek the 2020 Democratic nomination last month, has been taking her cis-quadrupedal, self-identified canine companion, Wahanassatta, with her to campaign stops, in order to highlight her secondary anthropoid characteristics. 

Looking at Warren’s dog and then back at Warren enables Bipedal-Americans to compare the two and notice that Warren doesn’t have any facial fur and that she has two opposable thumbs – something that may have eluded them in the past. This allows Warren to interact with her hominoid base by posting the dog’s “selfies” online and promoting Wahanassatta the Spokesdog’s exposure on human social media. 

By doing so, Senator Warren prompts her intellectual voter base to ask, “how can a dog take selfies if it doesn’t have opposable thumbs?” That’s where Warren steps in and explains that this is what homo sapiens call “humor” and presents her own opposable thumbs for observation. After the joke is explained they all have a good laugh, accompanied by a subliminal reinforcement of positive emotions.

While Warren doesn’t appear to have created the social media account herself, there is a Twitter account dedicated to Wahanassatta Warren that routinely growls at President Donald Trump and promotes policies supported by the humanoid Massachusetts Senator. 

Warren herself shares Instagram posts from the campaign trail using a hand-held camera to post Wahanassatta’s authentic dog perspective on all the issues vital to the nation.

(RELATED: Elizabeth Warren’s ‘No PAC-Money’ Pledge Has A Built In Escape Hatch)

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by Margaret originally appeared on The Peoples Cube. It is republished with shits and grins.

I believe Jussie Smollett and here’s why

I love Jussie. I believe Jussie! The police are lying about him. You know how much police hate black people. 

By arresting Jussie, the police are only emboldening Trump supporters, making it easier for them to target innocent, defenseless, helpless-without-the-government progs like me. 

Why, just last night I was in San Francisco, or maybe it was Los Angeles. It was past midnight and I couldn’t sleep because it was pouring down rain and soaking thru my cardboard box. So it had to be Los Angeles. Yeah, I’m camping out here hoping to see some of my favorite celebrities on the red carpet for the Oscars this Sunday night. I might even get to take selfies with them. Maybe Brad Pitt will offer to make me his date. 

But I digress. 

I was soaked and shivering, so I abandoned my cardboard box and tried to find the nearest open coffee shop. Unfortunately, the only one I found was in the Trump Tower—in which case, maybe I was in New York but there are still always celebrities here, even when it isn’t Oscar night. 

Not wanting to be seen by my fellow progs going into Trump Tower and thus denounced for being a Trump supporter, I took a selfie of myself passing it by and posted it on social media to signal my progressive virtue to all, as I plodded on through the torrents of rain in search of some other coffee shop that might be open at two in the morning. Teeth chattering, I finally found an open Starbucks where there were only two other customers seated at one of the tables. I ordered a White Russian Mocha Latte. 

The barista asked me for my name to write on my cup. I said “Pinkie.” She wrote “Ivanka” on the cup and proceeded to brew my WRML. 

That’s when the other two customers called out to me. “Pinkie? Commissarka Pinkie? So it’s you! We been waitin’ for you to show up!” 

I was dripping and shivering so hard that I couldn’t see exactly what they looked like, except they both wore red MAGA hats and didn’t have any teeth save for a single front tooth and maybe a canine or bicuspid but definitely no molars. And there was a laptop on their table open to a Neo-Nazi white supremacist pro-gun website complete with pictures of Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity and Sarah Palin. Oh, and Trump, too. 

They said, “You’re in MAGA country now, Pinkie. And we’re gonna get you for it because even if you report us to the cops, they’re eventually gonna accuse you of pullin’ a Smollett just to get guys in red hats to hit on you. And everyone knows how much you like guys in red hats—Pinkie.”

“Not anymore,” I said. “And I’m not Pinkie. I’m Ivanka. The barista even wrote it on my cup.”

“You are too Pinkie. Red nose? Red hijab?”

“It’s not a hijab, it’s a headscarf. I’m not a Muslim—not that there’s anything wrong with that. It used to be a kerchief around Che’s neck, and I took it to blow my nose while he lay dying and I’ve worn it on my head ever since.” 

“Oh yeah? Then how do you explain that shovel in your hand?”

That’s when it occurred to me that I should whack them with my shovel. But at the very same moment, the barista called out, “Ivanka, White Russian Mocha Latte!” 

I grabbed the coffee and held it up. “See? It says Ivanka. I’m Ivanka!”

Instead they tore my red headscarf off my head. I had to get it back from them, but I had my shovel in one hand and my White Russian Mocha Latte in the other. 

“Who cut off all your hair?” one of them sneered. 

Mitt Romney did that years ago at the prom. It was a Sunday feature story on the front page of the Washington Post when he ran for President back in 2012, but of course you toothless wonders don’t read that paper. In fact, you don’t read anything. You don’t know how to read!”

“Then you ARE Pinkie!”

“I told you—and it says so on this cup—I’m IVANKA!” I swung my shovel at first one and then the other, knocking out what few teeth they had left. With my own teeth I picked up my red headscarf. Shovel in one hand and coffee in the other, I ran for cover in the bathroom, but it was already full of homeless people smoking crack. 

“Hey, look!” one of them said. “Check out the name on her cup. It’s Ivanka! Ivanka Trump! Get her!”

I fled back into the pouring rain, during which time I somehow managed to pull my cellphone out of my cleavage and call Betinov, but then I forgot he doesn’t get a signal in his jar. So I called Pamalinsky but she couldn’t understand what I was saying because my red headscarf was hanging out of my mouth and I was trying to drink my latte at the same time while running past the Trump Tower to my cardboard box where I’ve been hiding ever since, waiting for Brad Pitt to give me a call after he learns of my ordeal on CNN. 

I just don’t know what traumatizes me more—those MAGA hats or being mistaken for Ivanka Trump. 

#ibelievejussie #notivanka #shovellife #victimhoodismysuperpower #wheresmyfreestuff

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by Commissarka Pinkie originally appeared on The Peoples Cube. It is republished with permission.

How to play Pull-a-Smollett: The Game of Social Engineering

At the risk of losing the punch line in the translation, let me start with a Russian joke:

“We’re sorry, but you’re no longer welcome in our house.”
“Why is that?”
“The last time you visited, one of our spoons went missing.”
“What nonsense, why would I steal your silverware?”
“We’re not saying you did, we found it a day later, but the resentment still remains.”

While the stain on this poor fellow’s reputation was accidental, we are now finding that such stains can be engineered, especially if the media is on your side. Consider the Trump-Russia collusion scenario. None of the claims against Trump have proven to be true, but “the resentment remains.”

All of the examples of hate and violence by Trump supporters have also proven to be hoaxes, and yet the response usually is, “even if this one’s a hoax, you can’t deny that Trump has created an atmosphere of resentment, and so many hate crimes in the news can’t all be hoaxes.”

This is a projection. Simple reverse engineering suggests that by trying to plant resentment against Trump with endless unproven tales, the Democrats have legitimized hoaxes and thus created an atmosphere in which the jussie smolletts of this world are getting inspired to conjure their own little tales of deceit in order to stain and damage “Trump’s America.” They’ve also legitimized sociopathy, empowering scores of manipulative “victims” to satisfy their pathological craving for sympathy.

What these hoax enthusiasts tend to forget is that such high-end political technologies require skill and calculation, while their own low-end intellect will likely cause them to get caught. Their opponents will gloat and say, “If Trump’s America is so violent and hateful, why do the Democrats need hoaxes in order to prove it?”

To the Democrat leaders these amateurs are what suicide bombers are to the leaders of ISIS: disposable human material and acceptable losses in a war for power. Smollett’s life may now be in pieces, but he has left a lasting resentful stain in the public square, having earned gratitude from 72 progressive self-identified virgins. 

Smollett’s name will now be forever tied to all the past, present, and future political hoaxes, immortalized in the Party-approved Pull-a-Smollett game, in which young and old progressives compete in who can better stain reputations, divide people, and generate resentment at the cost of their own lives and careers. 

Have you pulled a Smollett lately? If so, tell us your story. It may be added as another game card to our stack. 

In the meantime, here’s a list of previous winners and their inspirational stories, courtesy of The Daily Caller.

A LIST OF HOAX ‘HATE CRIMES’ IN THE TRUMP ERA

  • Anti-Muslim Hate Crime In Michigan Turns Out To Be A Hoax (Nov. 2016)
  • Bisexual Student Fakes Trump-Inspired Hate Crime (Nov. 2016)
  • Gas Station Racism Goes Viral – Then Police Debunk It (Nov. 2016)
  • White Men Rob Muslim Woman Of Her Hijab And Wallet – Except It Never Happened (Nov. 2016)
  • Church Organist Vandalizes Own Church (Nov. 2016)
  • “Drunk White Men” Attack Muslim Woman In Story That Also Never Happened (Dec. 2016)
  • White Guy Sets His Own Car On Fire, Paints Racial Slur On His Own Garage (Dec. 2016)
  • Prankster Tricks Liberal Journalist Into Spreading Anti-Trump Hoax (Dec. 2016)
  • Student Writes Anti-Muslim Graffiti On His Own Door (Feb. 2017)
  • Israeli Man Behind Anti-Semitic Bomb Threats In The U.S. (April 2017)
  • Hoax At St. Olaf (May 2017)
  • Fake Hate At Air Force Academy Goes Viral (Sept. 2017)
  • K-State Fake Hate Crime (Nov. 2017)
  • Racist Graffiti Carried Out By Non-White Student (Nov. 2017)
  • Waiter Fakes Note Calling Himself A Terrorist (July 2018)
  • Waitress Fakes Racist Note, Blames Law Enforcement (July 2018)
  • New York Woman’s Hate Crime That Wasn’t (Sept. 2018)
  • Student Faked Racist Notes (Dec. 2018)
  • The Covington Catastrophe (Jan. 2019)
  • Bonus: Anti-Semitic Vandal Exposed As Democratic Activist (Nov. 2018)
  • Bonus II: Trump-Inspired Racist Blaze At Black Church Was Carried Out By Black Churchgoer (Nov. 2016)
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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column with images by Red Square originally appeared on The Peoples Cube. It is republished with permission.

MABA! A new movement

A new movement has been launched to make Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez a barmaid again. 

Due to her being sent to Washington, she no longer has unfettered access to the tip jar at the Flats Fix taqueria.

If she could get her barmaid job back to supplement her income, perhaps she could then afford the high rent in Seattle.

Red Square reports:

AOC is now one of our betters. We are not worthy.

Ocasio-Cortez Living in Luxury Navy Yard Apartment Building

Ocasio-Cortez, a member of the Democratic Socialists of America, got a big raise with her election to Congress, a job that comes with a $174,000 annual salary. She told the New York Times she was concerned about how she would get an apartment before that salary kicked in.

She ended up moving into a luxury apartment building with a wide array of amenities where rent for even a studio apartment exceeds $2,000 a month. The Washington Free Beacon is not disclosing the exact building Ocasio-Cortez lives in due to safety concerns expressed by her office.

Her office pushed back against the notion that it was hypocritical for Ocasio-Cortez, who has made housing affordability one of her top policy concerns, to move into a luxury building. A spokesman pointed out that her office also uses a car with an “internal combustion engine that runs on fossil fuels,” even though she thinks their use should be eliminated.

AOC_Apt.jpg

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by Evil Smiley with images originally appeared on The Peoples Cube. It is wonkingly republished with permission.

VIDEO MEME: God Bless the USA SOTU Goes Viral

Carpe Donktum posted the below video composite of Democrats at the State of the Union address to Congress. It is a must watch.

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