Elizebeth Warren takes her dog Wahanassatta campaigning

Democratic Massachusetts Sen. Elizabeth Warren, who is a self-identified hominoid, has a new anthropomorphized advocate on the campaign trail – and Donald Trump Jr. says it’s proof that she is struggling to resonate with her homo sapiens base as a bipedal homo erectus.

Warren, who declared her intention to seek the 2020 Democratic nomination last month, has been taking her cis-quadrupedal, self-identified canine companion, Wahanassatta, with her to campaign stops, in order to highlight her secondary anthropoid characteristics. 

Looking at Warren’s dog and then back at Warren enables Bipedal-Americans to compare the two and notice that Warren doesn’t have any facial fur and that she has two opposable thumbs – something that may have eluded them in the past. This allows Warren to interact with her hominoid base by posting the dog’s “selfies” online and promoting Wahanassatta the Spokesdog’s exposure on human social media. 

By doing so, Senator Warren prompts her intellectual voter base to ask, “how can a dog take selfies if it doesn’t have opposable thumbs?” That’s where Warren steps in and explains that this is what homo sapiens call “humor” and presents her own opposable thumbs for observation. After the joke is explained they all have a good laugh, accompanied by a subliminal reinforcement of positive emotions.

While Warren doesn’t appear to have created the social media account herself, there is a Twitter account dedicated to Wahanassatta Warren that routinely growls at President Donald Trump and promotes policies supported by the humanoid Massachusetts Senator. 

Warren herself shares Instagram posts from the campaign trail using a hand-held camera to post Wahanassatta’s authentic dog perspective on all the issues vital to the nation.

(RELATED: Elizabeth Warren’s ‘No PAC-Money’ Pledge Has A Built In Escape Hatch)

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by Margaret originally appeared on The Peoples Cube. It is republished with shits and grins.

I believe Jussie Smollett and here’s why

I love Jussie. I believe Jussie! The police are lying about him. You know how much police hate black people. 

By arresting Jussie, the police are only emboldening Trump supporters, making it easier for them to target innocent, defenseless, helpless-without-the-government progs like me. 

Why, just last night I was in San Francisco, or maybe it was Los Angeles. It was past midnight and I couldn’t sleep because it was pouring down rain and soaking thru my cardboard box. So it had to be Los Angeles. Yeah, I’m camping out here hoping to see some of my favorite celebrities on the red carpet for the Oscars this Sunday night. I might even get to take selfies with them. Maybe Brad Pitt will offer to make me his date. 

But I digress. 

I was soaked and shivering, so I abandoned my cardboard box and tried to find the nearest open coffee shop. Unfortunately, the only one I found was in the Trump Tower—in which case, maybe I was in New York but there are still always celebrities here, even when it isn’t Oscar night. 

Not wanting to be seen by my fellow progs going into Trump Tower and thus denounced for being a Trump supporter, I took a selfie of myself passing it by and posted it on social media to signal my progressive virtue to all, as I plodded on through the torrents of rain in search of some other coffee shop that might be open at two in the morning. Teeth chattering, I finally found an open Starbucks where there were only two other customers seated at one of the tables. I ordered a White Russian Mocha Latte. 

The barista asked me for my name to write on my cup. I said “Pinkie.” She wrote “Ivanka” on the cup and proceeded to brew my WRML. 

That’s when the other two customers called out to me. “Pinkie? Commissarka Pinkie? So it’s you! We been waitin’ for you to show up!” 

I was dripping and shivering so hard that I couldn’t see exactly what they looked like, except they both wore red MAGA hats and didn’t have any teeth save for a single front tooth and maybe a canine or bicuspid but definitely no molars. And there was a laptop on their table open to a Neo-Nazi white supremacist pro-gun website complete with pictures of Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity and Sarah Palin. Oh, and Trump, too. 

They said, “You’re in MAGA country now, Pinkie. And we’re gonna get you for it because even if you report us to the cops, they’re eventually gonna accuse you of pullin’ a Smollett just to get guys in red hats to hit on you. And everyone knows how much you like guys in red hats—Pinkie.”

“Not anymore,” I said. “And I’m not Pinkie. I’m Ivanka. The barista even wrote it on my cup.”

“You are too Pinkie. Red nose? Red hijab?”

“It’s not a hijab, it’s a headscarf. I’m not a Muslim—not that there’s anything wrong with that. It used to be a kerchief around Che’s neck, and I took it to blow my nose while he lay dying and I’ve worn it on my head ever since.” 

“Oh yeah? Then how do you explain that shovel in your hand?”

That’s when it occurred to me that I should whack them with my shovel. But at the very same moment, the barista called out, “Ivanka, White Russian Mocha Latte!” 

I grabbed the coffee and held it up. “See? It says Ivanka. I’m Ivanka!”

Instead they tore my red headscarf off my head. I had to get it back from them, but I had my shovel in one hand and my White Russian Mocha Latte in the other. 

“Who cut off all your hair?” one of them sneered. 

Mitt Romney did that years ago at the prom. It was a Sunday feature story on the front page of the Washington Post when he ran for President back in 2012, but of course you toothless wonders don’t read that paper. In fact, you don’t read anything. You don’t know how to read!”

“Then you ARE Pinkie!”

“I told you—and it says so on this cup—I’m IVANKA!” I swung my shovel at first one and then the other, knocking out what few teeth they had left. With my own teeth I picked up my red headscarf. Shovel in one hand and coffee in the other, I ran for cover in the bathroom, but it was already full of homeless people smoking crack. 

“Hey, look!” one of them said. “Check out the name on her cup. It’s Ivanka! Ivanka Trump! Get her!”

I fled back into the pouring rain, during which time I somehow managed to pull my cellphone out of my cleavage and call Betinov, but then I forgot he doesn’t get a signal in his jar. So I called Pamalinsky but she couldn’t understand what I was saying because my red headscarf was hanging out of my mouth and I was trying to drink my latte at the same time while running past the Trump Tower to my cardboard box where I’ve been hiding ever since, waiting for Brad Pitt to give me a call after he learns of my ordeal on CNN. 

I just don’t know what traumatizes me more—those MAGA hats or being mistaken for Ivanka Trump. 

#ibelievejussie #notivanka #shovellife #victimhoodismysuperpower #wheresmyfreestuff

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by Commissarka Pinkie originally appeared on The Peoples Cube. It is republished with permission.

How to play Pull-a-Smollett: The Game of Social Engineering

At the risk of losing the punch line in the translation, let me start with a Russian joke:

“We’re sorry, but you’re no longer welcome in our house.”
“Why is that?”
“The last time you visited, one of our spoons went missing.”
“What nonsense, why would I steal your silverware?”
“We’re not saying you did, we found it a day later, but the resentment still remains.”

While the stain on this poor fellow’s reputation was accidental, we are now finding that such stains can be engineered, especially if the media is on your side. Consider the Trump-Russia collusion scenario. None of the claims against Trump have proven to be true, but “the resentment remains.”

All of the examples of hate and violence by Trump supporters have also proven to be hoaxes, and yet the response usually is, “even if this one’s a hoax, you can’t deny that Trump has created an atmosphere of resentment, and so many hate crimes in the news can’t all be hoaxes.”

This is a projection. Simple reverse engineering suggests that by trying to plant resentment against Trump with endless unproven tales, the Democrats have legitimized hoaxes and thus created an atmosphere in which the jussie smolletts of this world are getting inspired to conjure their own little tales of deceit in order to stain and damage “Trump’s America.” They’ve also legitimized sociopathy, empowering scores of manipulative “victims” to satisfy their pathological craving for sympathy.

What these hoax enthusiasts tend to forget is that such high-end political technologies require skill and calculation, while their own low-end intellect will likely cause them to get caught. Their opponents will gloat and say, “If Trump’s America is so violent and hateful, why do the Democrats need hoaxes in order to prove it?”

To the Democrat leaders these amateurs are what suicide bombers are to the leaders of ISIS: disposable human material and acceptable losses in a war for power. Smollett’s life may now be in pieces, but he has left a lasting resentful stain in the public square, having earned gratitude from 72 progressive self-identified virgins. 

Smollett’s name will now be forever tied to all the past, present, and future political hoaxes, immortalized in the Party-approved Pull-a-Smollett game, in which young and old progressives compete in who can better stain reputations, divide people, and generate resentment at the cost of their own lives and careers. 

Have you pulled a Smollett lately? If so, tell us your story. It may be added as another game card to our stack. 

In the meantime, here’s a list of previous winners and their inspirational stories, courtesy of The Daily Caller.

A LIST OF HOAX ‘HATE CRIMES’ IN THE TRUMP ERA

  • Anti-Muslim Hate Crime In Michigan Turns Out To Be A Hoax (Nov. 2016)
  • Bisexual Student Fakes Trump-Inspired Hate Crime (Nov. 2016)
  • Gas Station Racism Goes Viral – Then Police Debunk It (Nov. 2016)
  • White Men Rob Muslim Woman Of Her Hijab And Wallet – Except It Never Happened (Nov. 2016)
  • Church Organist Vandalizes Own Church (Nov. 2016)
  • “Drunk White Men” Attack Muslim Woman In Story That Also Never Happened (Dec. 2016)
  • White Guy Sets His Own Car On Fire, Paints Racial Slur On His Own Garage (Dec. 2016)
  • Prankster Tricks Liberal Journalist Into Spreading Anti-Trump Hoax (Dec. 2016)
  • Student Writes Anti-Muslim Graffiti On His Own Door (Feb. 2017)
  • Israeli Man Behind Anti-Semitic Bomb Threats In The U.S. (April 2017)
  • Hoax At St. Olaf (May 2017)
  • Fake Hate At Air Force Academy Goes Viral (Sept. 2017)
  • K-State Fake Hate Crime (Nov. 2017)
  • Racist Graffiti Carried Out By Non-White Student (Nov. 2017)
  • Waiter Fakes Note Calling Himself A Terrorist (July 2018)
  • Waitress Fakes Racist Note, Blames Law Enforcement (July 2018)
  • New York Woman’s Hate Crime That Wasn’t (Sept. 2018)
  • Student Faked Racist Notes (Dec. 2018)
  • The Covington Catastrophe (Jan. 2019)
  • Bonus: Anti-Semitic Vandal Exposed As Democratic Activist (Nov. 2018)
  • Bonus II: Trump-Inspired Racist Blaze At Black Church Was Carried Out By Black Churchgoer (Nov. 2016)
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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column with images by Red Square originally appeared on The Peoples Cube. It is republished with permission.

MABA! A new movement

A new movement has been launched to make Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez a barmaid again. 

Due to her being sent to Washington, she no longer has unfettered access to the tip jar at the Flats Fix taqueria.

If she could get her barmaid job back to supplement her income, perhaps she could then afford the high rent in Seattle.

Red Square reports:

AOC is now one of our betters. We are not worthy.

Ocasio-Cortez Living in Luxury Navy Yard Apartment Building

Ocasio-Cortez, a member of the Democratic Socialists of America, got a big raise with her election to Congress, a job that comes with a $174,000 annual salary. She told the New York Times she was concerned about how she would get an apartment before that salary kicked in.

She ended up moving into a luxury apartment building with a wide array of amenities where rent for even a studio apartment exceeds $2,000 a month. The Washington Free Beacon is not disclosing the exact building Ocasio-Cortez lives in due to safety concerns expressed by her office.

Her office pushed back against the notion that it was hypocritical for Ocasio-Cortez, who has made housing affordability one of her top policy concerns, to move into a luxury building. A spokesman pointed out that her office also uses a car with an “internal combustion engine that runs on fossil fuels,” even though she thinks their use should be eliminated.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by Evil Smiley with images originally appeared on The Peoples Cube. It is wonkingly republished with permission.

VIDEO MEME: God Bless the USA SOTU Goes Viral

Carpe Donktum posted the below video composite of Democrats at the State of the Union address to Congress. It is a must watch.

EDITORS NOTE: If you like Carpe Donktum Memes, consider supporting their work either through their Patreon Account or Paypal. All donations go directly to hardware and software upgrades that make an even better product!

Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/carpedonktum or Paypal: Carpedonktum@gmail.com.

Cis-Lesbian Fired for Misgendering a Trans-Male Rapist

The LGBTQ Commission for the mayor of Baltimore has just fired its only lesbian member, Julia Beck, for using male pronouns while referring to a convicted male rapist who wanted to be addressed as a female. Finding such behavior disgraceful, her former LGBTQ comrades have also denounced her and purged her from their ranks. 

The male convict in question had earlier courageously declared himself a transgendered woman, for which he was cheered on by the progressive local establishment and sent to a female prison. Shortly afterwards he deployed his gender-fluid trans-penis to rape two cisgendered female inmates – a “crime” that he, a self-identified oppressed lesbian who is attracted to other women, can hardly be accused of. The real crime here, of course, was the denial of his chosen gender identity by the knuckle-dragging, close-minded, reactionary traitor to womankind, Julia Beck. 

The delusional lesbian Beck had mistakenly assumed that being a sexual minority entitled her to stating biological facts without clearing them first with the High Commissar of Pronouns and Dangling Participles. A speedy show trial found her guilty of violent transphobia and sentenced her to the status of a cis-lesbian non-person with the pronoun “it.”

Beck was tried by the revolutionary tribunal at Baltimore Transgender Alliance (BTA), where men with penises who self-identified as lesbian women stripped her of her rank as a commanding lesbian activist and demoted her to a lowly private dyke. The verdict stated that biological sex was a thing of the past and that anyone who said otherwise was a Trump-loving Nazi.

Instead of admitting her guilt, signing a teary confession, and doing hours of public self-criticism, the stubborn self-identified woman took a stand and engaged in despicable acts of gender terrorism and sedition, asking questions that threatened the very foundation of the trans-movement. Among other transphobic things she claimed that biological sex was an immutable fact, otherwise there would be no homosexuality. 

This dramatic development touched on the most existential issue of our time: if biological sex has no meaning, where do homosexuals come from? If gender is a matter of choice, what force causes people to be attracted to the opposite sex, or to the same sex for that matter? If sex is arbitrary, what was the fight for same-sex marriage about? Have homosexuals been doing it wrong throughout the millennia, instead of simply changing their sex for the common good? 

Most importantly, why do homosexuals bitterly cling to their biological gender? Is it time to sacrifice them to the revolution as crypto-conservatives and enemies of progress?

Please do not try this at home. Do not attempt to switch genders or solve this conundrum without the supervision of trained experts in progressive social science who will tell you what to think, lest you share the fate of the disgraced lesbian Beck.

DISCLAIMER

This is not a spoof. Life has begun to imitate the People’s Cube so much that parody fades in comparison with real events. All that’s left is to tell it how it is. 

Lesbian Activist Faces Leftist Fury After ‘Misgendering’ a Male Rapist

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column with images and video by Red Square originally appeared on The Peoples Cube. It is republished with permission.

New York Gov. Cuomo ends death penalty except for babies

Albany, NY — New York State Governor Andrew Cuomo continues to make major changes in the name of progress and tolerance. These will appeal to liberal-progressives, and benefit ex cons and mass murderers across the nation. Signing off on these new policies will launch the governor’s bid for his presidential run among the 353,739 candidates now on the Democrat ticket.

The governor just signed into law, after ending the death penalty, a woman’s right to abort about-to-be-born babies who could live outside the womb – up to the moment of birth. 

Shrugging off criticism of having passed a death sentence on babies after having ended the death penalty for murderers, Cuomo said, “Our base is what matters, not what people think.”

The new law means, if a mother chose to abort as soon as she is experiencing labor pains, or second thoughts, whichever came first, she can have the child’s head liquified and sucked out with a Hoover. In the name of progress, doctors will give classes to would-be serial killers and other progressives who might try their hands at this soon-to-be-popularized sport.

At the end of 2013 the governor passed laws against legal gun owners depriving them of their civil rights and ability to defend themselves and their unborn fetuses from violence about to happen to them by fans of the Democrat Cuomo. For example, abortionists. 

Serial killers, illegal gun smugglers, MS13 machete wielders and abortionists will be exempted from this law of course, even though all of these good people want to lawfully participate in any restriction that they will disregard. 

In fact statistics show the New York SAFE Act has been effective beyond expectations. 

For almost a half century from the time the AR15 has been available, no child in the state of New York has ever been killed by one. And in the five years since the passage of the NY SAFE Act, no child has been killed by an AR. This is clear evidence that eliminating AR15s is particularly effective to prevent violence against children by abortionists and other Democrats and New York’s governors.

Earlier the governor told the citizens that conservatives have no place in his state. They should just leave, said Mr. Cuomo. 

No problem, said the four million New Yorkers who have left the state in a single decade. 5700 millionaires left just in 2018. 

Some of these undesirable white trash, says NYC’s mayor Warren Wilhelm Jr, are rich and conservative, making them even more deplorable now ready to be fleeced.

The governor’s latest proposal about to be approved by the wholly Democrat-controlled assembly is to combine the governor’s previous achievements controlling people with his progressive thinking about controlling conservatives. 

Added to appropriations for government is the governor’s proposal to fund Black Lives Matter and other charitable groups committed to the pursuit of breathing. More funding will provide abortion services to any progressive New Yorker wishing to abort their conservative-leaning college-age children who read about economics by Milton Friedman or wear MAGA hats.

The proposed law will allow for the abortion of conservatives after birth up to the age of 85. Older conservatives will be allowed to live, but not provided with air because the elderly add to global warming. 

The governor promised, if he gets elected president, to expand his policy to the rest of the nation by then mostly filled with the entire population of South America, ex-cons and gang bangers from Chicago, MS13, the homeless and fattened lesbians. 

To promote intersectionality, the highest form of honor shall be recognized for migrants of color, Hispanic, MS13 member having a long rap sheet with frequent rape convictions, having no address, and lesbian of sentiment.

In order to implement Andrew Cuomo’s strategy the legislature is asking New York’s citizens to end the crime of conservatism and thinking for oneself in his state, identify their conservative neighbors, sons and daughters, fathers and mothers and other relatives, by simply calling the hotline 1-800-CONSERVATIVE. The abortions of millions of these deplorables will be facilitated by New York’s finest whose lives no longer matter. 

Conservatives and other undesirables have no place in the State of New York, said the governor, and they will be aborted promptly after a short inquisition to determine if they ever entertained improper thoughts.

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by Kommissar Chernobylski originally appeared on The Peoples Cube.

Glorious posters to support Venezuela’s Democratic Socialism

American workers and peasants! A danger is creeping over the beloved socialist government in Venezuela. A Yankee imperialist coup is about to overthrow their heroic leader, who has a unanimous support of all progressive celebrities and Democratic Socialists in the U.S. It compels us to produce these Party-approved slogans and visual agitation, to be printed in thousands of copies, displayed and chanted enthusiastically at Party-organized spontaneous rallies in your neighborhoods, schools, factories, and collective farms.

Comrades! Struggle to keep the countries of winning democratic socialism pure! Do not allow capitalism to destroy their hard-earned, hard-fought economic equality!

Who are we to impose our Western imperialist values on these suffering minorities? Their glorious Marxist leaders have all been democratically and unanimously elected by 150% of the people, with a 100% turnout. Remind yourselves that they are on the right side of history, and the Glorious Progressive World of Next Tuesday is just around the corner. It’s simply taking a little longer than we had anticipated a hundred years ago.

KORREKTION: It appears that our agitprop artist has made a typo, misspelling “pure” as “poor.” A swift investigation by a tribunal has determined that the error occurred while the artist, who is not a native English speaker, was taking our directions over an audio receiver. Rest assured that the guilty have been punished and the artist will never paint again on account of having his fingers broken during the necessary interrogation.

RELATED ARTICLES:

The promise of Democratic Socialism

Show Your Support for the Democratic Party’s 50 State Plan

Our Glorious American Socialism

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column with images by Red Square originally appeared on The Peoples Cube. It is republished with permission.

And the smirk, don’t forget the smirk

See more at Confederacy of Drones.

Hat Crime vlr 1-26-19.jpg

In a bold move, Robert Mueller expanded his investigative and law enforcement powers to include the authority to read facial expressions and assess fashion statements. 

Seeing the potential end to the current Russian collusion investigation, that so far has netted only post-election process violations having nothing to do with collusion, Mueller expanded his powers to include mental telepathy. Mueller explained that it was the next obvious step in the evolution of his authoritarian powers. “I’ve been given so much free reign in these investigations that sixth sense was the only possible new power to be exploited” said Mueller as he attended his weekly back-rub from CNN executives. He added that “fashion police authority was just a bonus.” 

Combining telepathic knowledge of what a smirk really means with the poor fashion choice of MAGA hats put the unfortunate Convington Catholic High School students square in his cross hairs … and indictment writing pen. 

In response to a reporter who accidentally asked Mueller a hard question about legal aspects of fashion indictments, the Special Counsel lead investigator replied, “And your Social Security number is what?”

A Handy Guide To Facial Expressions by The Babylon Bee.

RELATED VIDEO: New Gillette Ad (parody)

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by Confederacy of Drones with images originally appeared on The Peoples Cube. It is republished with permission.

How The People’s Cube Owns Wokeness Like a True Boss

Diverse members of the Cube kollektive! Everybody knows that it is now the ”in” thing to be woke. Being woke is being korrekt, and being korrekt is being woke. Wokeness has certain markers, and I have carefully taken a long time looking at all of the evidence, and have thus determined that all evidence points to the fact that we at the People’s Cube are not just woke – we’re still woke, and have always been woke. We were woke before everyone else was woke. We are the forefront pioneers of wokeness. 

The evidence is undeniable: 

Attention to current events. Our search for the most current truth never stops. Thus, before Chicago declared Obama’s birthday to be a holiday, we’ve been drinking beet vodka and throwing cool parties at Tractor Barn #2 on this day since 2008. Take that, newly woke people!!

Representation. No one represents more minority groups than we do – including dead historical personages, singular brains and other body parts, all sorts of mammals, inanimate objects, and household appliances, especially toasters, which one of us has married. For good measure of an example: I myself am the People’s State-approved minority furry trash <3. Enough said.

Mindless obedience. One can’t be called woke without a blind and unconditional acceptance of the word and the divine authority of the Party, the State, and the Media. Our members never tire of korrekting each other’s thinking and denouncing the guilty of wrongthink. 

Leaders of tomorrow. We at the People’s Cube have developed the concept of The Glorious World of Next Tuesday™. While everyone focuses on the here and now, our focus is on the future, which makes us the pioneers of wokeness. While others follow, we seize the front and tell you what to think. We tell you who’s on the korrekt side of history and who is not – because we’ve seen the future and ran away. It’s therefore not a coincidence that society, and life always imitates/emulates The People’s Cube. Always.

Have you Cubists found more evidence? Kindly submit it into the replies below.

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The People’s Anthony Sullivan originally appeared on The Peoples Cube. It is republished with permission.

The New Democrat Socialist Debt Card Set To Be Issued

Democrat Socialists have partnered with a major bank to issue a new line of “debt cards” (no pun intended). According to anonymous CNN sources there are two draft designs being considered, the Democrat Socialist Member Card (DSMC):

And the MarxistCard:

Both cards are being shown to focus groups of Democrat Socialist Party members in New York City, NY and Berkeley, CA. The debt card receiving the most votes (like Hillary) will be declared the winner (unlike Hillary).

The first card will be issued to the “girl from Brooklyn” Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez to recognize her as the first Democrat Socialist elected to the Congress of the former United States of America.

To qualify for this debt card one must become a card carrying member (no pun intended) of the Democrat Socialist Party (formerly know as the I’m With Bernie Party). The new card has no limits on spending and card holders are not responsible to pay off their debt.

Once a MarxistCard is issued the Democrat Socialist in the former United States of America may begin buying whatever their hearts desire. The accumulated debt will be paid by those who are not MarxistCard holders and the 1%.

The MarxistCard cannot be used to purchase the following items:

  1. Any fire arm.
  2. A Bible or Torah.
  3. An American flag.
  4. A Trump 2020 hat, shirt, bumper sticker or yard sign.

The MarxistCard can be used to purchase the following items:

  1. Armed guards.
  2. A Quran, Mein Kampf (English or German versions), The Communist Manifesto and Rules for Radicals.
  3. The flag of any nation but the United States
  4. A Hillary 2020 hat, shirt, bumper sticker or yard sign.

The card is accepted in most retail and wholesale outlets that support Democrat Socialist ideals, which include Amazon, Apple, Target, Dick’s Sports and any store carrying goods made in China. MarxistCard holders will receive major discounts for tickets to Hollywood films such as “Vice” and “RGB”, the Broadway play “Hamilton”, plus all documentaries by Michael Moore and Al Gore.

The MarxistCard cannot be used at Chick-fil-A.

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by originally appeared in Pravda USA (a.k.a. TNYT).

Chuck and Nancy’s Democratic Response to Trump in Pictures

Last night Sen. Chuck Schumer and Rep. Nancy Pelosi delivered a rebuttal to Trump’s address to the nation by reading teleprompter messages that had been prepared in advance and consisted of blanket condemnations and generic denouncements of anything that Trump may or may not have said in his speech. 

To compensate for the lack of specifics, the two Democratic leaders tried to appear heartbroken and mournful, which made them look like a couple of Soviet citizens who had waited all day in line to the state-run store to buy toilet paper, only to be told there was none left. 

As a result, most comrades remembered their rebuttal not by what they said but by how they looked because, as a wise person once said, and this may not be an exact quote, “it ain’t what you do, it’s the way that you do it, and the way that you stare into the camera while you’re doing it.”

Therefore, most meaningful commentary of that event came in the form of pictures. Some of these were sent to us, others we found ourselves. See below and please add the pictures we may have missed.

There have been many comparisons to the Shining, which prompted us to make this.

Thinking where we might have seen that pair before, brought up this memory.

Sad Hill emailed us this:

There have been many comparisons with American Gothic.

Rush Limbaugh on today’s show said Chuck and Nancy looked like morticians at a funeral parlor, and so he directed his visual agitation department to create this picture:

To others they seemed like a remake of many other popular duos and pop culture icons.

I hear that changing the order of the addends does not change the sum.

And, finally, our member Covfefe submitted this take:

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column with images by RED SQUARE originally appeared in The Peoples Cube. It is republished with permission.

Gov’t shuts down, psychotic nation loses touch with reality

Daniel Trotsky-Greenfield reports from New York:

The United States of America (1787-2018) came to a swift and sudden end last week as the government shut down. The nation which had survived Pearl Harbor, the War of 1812 and Jimmy Carter ceased to exist.

The savage population, which had only been kept in line through a policy of rigorous gun 
confiscations, food stamps and lectures on the environment unleashed its pent up rage in a spree of riots, looting and mass murder that had only previously been encountered in Somalia, Russia and a Walmart in downtown Atlanta.

“The government shut down! We can do anything we like,” shouted Sam Hasbley of Grassley, Iowa, while tearing the tag off a mattress despite an explicit warning label forbidding such a dangerous course of action. “Tear yours off. The government is shut down. It can’t stop you.”

Eyewitnesses spoke of further horrors. On a quiet street in suburban Massachusetts, a man brought out a set of highly illegal lawn darts. In Maryland, there were allegations that an entire family had begun digging ditches to collect rainwater runoff. In Alabama, a farmer fed his hogs homegrown lettuce that had been certified by the state, but not by the Federal Trilateral Hog Commission

With the fall of the government, citizen activists took it upon themselves to chronicle the culture of lawlessness. Men heated their homes with coal stoves. Women bought cold medicine without a photo ID. Children went hours without hearing lectures about the environment.

The victims were many.

In Chuckolod County, Colorado, a transgender person was denied access to the Ladies Room. Frantic calls to the Justice Department were forwarded to an answering service in Depar, India, instead of Doneparre City, Indiana. In Brooklyn, New York, an overweight Iraqi woman was unable to obtain a sign language interpreter while waiting on line to collect her free Obamaphone. In Olegon Falls, Florida, the National Museum of Native American Yarn was forced to shut down depriving schoolchildren of an educational experience and three hours throwing bits of yarn at each other.

And there was worse to come.

The entire city of Detroit was seized by the Michigan Militia backed by Canadian air power. The village of Frankfurt, Illinois passed several ordinances in explicit violation of Title MXVIII of the Federal Charter of Approved Fruit Naming Ordinances. North Dakota seceded and declared that it was now the nation of Bismarckia, elected a Kaiser and petitioned to join OPEC.

READ MORE HERE: Government Shuts Down, Nation Descends into Riots, Looting and Cannibalism

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by Red Square originally appeared on The Peoples Cube. It is republished with permission.

Trump to Address Nation on Border Security as Pence Says Democrats Won’t Negotiate

On the eve of President Donald Trump’s prime-time address to the nation Tuesday night about border security, Vice President Mike Pence asserted that congressional Democrats are unwilling to negotiate.

After weekend talks, senior Democratic congressional staffers agreed with Trump administration officials that a crisis exists at the southern border, but weren’t ready to negotiate a plan to address it, Pence said Monday.

“Senior Democratic staff did not dispute our facts about the border,” Pence told reporters at a briefing in the Eisenhower Executive Office Building, held in the same conference room where the weekend talks occurred.

Trump is trying to reach an agreement with congressional Democrats to gain funding for a wall along the southern border and end the partial government shutdown that began Dec. 22.

Trump announced Monday that he will deliver the address to the nation at 9 p.m. Tuesday, then visit the border Thursday.

“They informed us they would not negotiate until the government is opened,” Pence said. “The president is not going to reopen the government on the promise that negotiations will go on sometime after.”

Democrats asked the administration for revised budget estimates based on Trump’s requests for increased border security.

The biggest request from Trump in the revision is $5.7 billion for construction of a steel border wall, a $4.1 billion increase from the Senate-passed bill in December designed to keep the government running.

Pence got multiple questions about Trump’s comment Friday that he has considered declaring a national emergency to build and pay for the wall. The vice president said he hopes it doesn’t come to that, adding that he believes Democrats care about border security.

“What I’m aware of is that he is looking at it. The president is considering it,” Pence said. “There is no reason in the world that Congress shouldn’t be about rolling their sleeves up and compromising and working together on the crisis on the southern border.”

Many Democrats voted in 2006 to build fencing or another barrier along the border, but the needed money never has been appropriated.

Congress has funded most of the government. The current shutdown affects only about 25 percent of the government, including the departments of Agriculture, Commerce, Justice, Homeland Security, State, and Transportation.

Pence said he sympathizes with the 800,000 federal employees affected by the partial shutdown, but also with “tens of millions of Americans” who expect the government to provide stronger border security.

The vice president also said Trump made a “good faith offer” to Democrats on the day the shutdown began to keep the government open. Pence declined to provide specifics.

The administration is working to make the partial shutdown “as painless as possible consistent with the law,” said Russell Vought, deputy director of the Office of Management and Budget.

Vought said the National Park Service will have the money to ensure trash pickup and clean restrooms through the end of the month, and that the IRS will mail out tax refund checks on time.

The administration’s revised budget estimate for fiscal year 2019 also includes a $563 million request for 75 additional immigration judges—consistent with what the Senate passed in its bill to keep the government running.

The administration asks for $211 million in the revised request to hire 750 more Customs and Border Protection agents—an increase of $100 million over the Senate version.

Trump also wants $571 million for 2,000 Immigration and Customs Enforcement personnel, which was not included in the Senate bill, and $4.2 billion to pay for 52,000 ICE detention beds—a $798 million increase from the Senate bill.

Pence identified two areas in the revised budget request as “consensus items” where congressional Democrats agree with the administration.

One is Trump’s request for $800 million to address humanitarian needs at the border, including medical support, temporary facilities for processing, and short-term custody of vulnerable populations. The agreement includes in-country processing of asylum requests by unaccompanied minors.

The other item of agreement is spending $675 million on technology designed to allow Customs and Border Protection to “detect and deter” contraband such as drugs and guns and materials that pose nuclear and radiological threats.

Pence said the administration’s stand “isn’t about” pleasing the president’s voter base but about border security, because the president is “driven by the facts” at the border.

Many of the facts are included in a Department of Homeland Security reportthat DHS Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen initially provided to Congress before talking about Monday with reporters at the briefing.

The DHS report says the solutions are finishing the border wall, updating the law on how to treat unaccompanied children, and reversing the Clinton-era “Flores settlement” that required officials to separate some children from adults in family units.

The numbers show a 73 percent increase in fentanyl, one of the deadliest drugs, at the southern border from fiscal 2017 to fiscal 2018. That amounts to 2,400 pounds.

The agency also reports a 38 percent increase in methamphetamine at the southern border over the last fiscal year, and a 38 percent increase in heroin.

Criminal organizations gain $2.5 billion in annual profit from smuggling migrants into the U.S., the DHS report says.

In fiscal 2018, which ended Sept. 30, Customs and Border Protection agents caught 17,000 adults at the southern border who had criminal records. They captured 3,755 known or suspected terrorists entering the U.S. in fiscal 2017.

Immigration and Customs Enforcement also apprehended 6,000 members of gangs, including the violent MS-13, at the border.

The report states that the past five years saw a 2,000 percent increase in asylum claims, yet 72 percent of migrants report making the journey for economic reasons, so they wouldn’t qualify for asylum.

The report says 60,000 unaccompanied children and 161,000 family units arrived in fiscal 2018. About 50 migrants per day are referred to medical providers.

Customs and Border Protection rescues about 4,300 migrants in distress each year, according to the report, which also says that 31 percent of female migrants say they were sexually assaulted on the journey to the U.S.

Immigration courts have a backlog of nearly 800,000 cases and 98 percent of family units and unaccompanied alien children never are removed from the country, the report says.

Asked why Trump didn’t request the $5.7 billion in his budget proposal for fiscal 2019, Nielsen told reporters that “the humanitarian crisis has skyrocketed since February.”

COLUMN BY

Portrait of Fred Lucas

Fred Lucas

Fred Lucas is the White House correspondent for The Daily Signal and co-host of “The Right Side of History” podcast. Send an email to Fred. Twitter: @FredLucasWH.

RELATED INFORMATION: BorderFacts.com

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ProgPaper: The Ultimate Safe Space for GoodThink

Good news, Comrades!

I am authorised by the Ministry of Truth to announce that victory over the mind is within our grasp. 

As you know, our organisations are proceeding fast to cancel out all forms of Thoughtcrime™. They are using their influence to block notorious antisocial elements (like the Russian saboteur Oleg Atbashian) from Facebook. We are succeeding with the implementation of NewSpeak version 15b, comprising gender-neutral pronouns. The production of Fake news by CNN has gone up 76% in all relevant sectors this past year.

But now, thanks to new technology, we are nearing the final solution to the “think” problem. German engineers and Silicon Valley slaves interns have created a revolution in the printing industry. 

By adding certain pre-programmed nanobots to paper, it will be impossible to write down anything that is even remotely anti-progressive. This new technology will be called ProgPaper™. Combined with an equally important new socialist-ideas-only form of ink (called ThInkStop™, we are now able to prevent anyone on earth from writing down an idea we oppose.

The Ministry ran some tests, and the results are remarkable. Once a CrimeThink™ idea is printed, the nanobots in the paper and ink go to work to make the message GoodThink™. Take for example this sentence:

“Obama was not a good president”. Now, if you print this on ProgPaper™ with ThInkStop™ cartridges, you get:

ob.jpg


The technology is not perfect yet, but we must agree that it is a great step forward. ProgPaper™ can also used to smother non-socialist ideas at the printing press of major newspapers. For example this archived cover:

d.jpg
d2.jpg

Soon, we will no longer need Facebook/Google/Twitter to use mind control. Even the conservative fools running illegal printing presses in the basements of their crumbling communities will create socialist propaganda, whether they want it or not. Every schoolbook, every groceries list, every birthday card will be used to spread our message. And then our victory over the mind will be finally complete.

Your comrade, 
Minitrue

PS: I almost forgot to mention the best part: using ProgPaper is not monopolising! After all, you are still able to communicate by chiselling out stone tablets or by using smoke-messages. So conservatives shouldn’t whine, right? If you don’t like our ProgPaper, make your own parchment or write on animal skins. You’re free to choose. Just like with facebook/google/twitter!

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by Minitrue first appeared on The Peoples Cube on January 26, 2018. It is appropriate to GoodThink it (no pun intended).