Ballot Drop Boxes Installed Along Border Wall

BROWNSVILLE, TX — Texas residents woke up Thursday morning to find general election ballot boxes had been placed along the southern border wall that divides parts of the U.S. from Mexico.

“I’m not sure where these ballot drop boxes came from,” Brownsville resident Tom Walker told reporters. “Some around town think it has something to do with Presiden Biden’s visit to the border. I saw some of his folks down handing out mail-in ballots to these illegal guys who keep coming into town. Makes a person wonder what’s up.”

Biden’s team denied placing the boxes strategically along the border wall right where the main surge of illegal immigrants are crossing into the country.

“This isn’t some crazy ploy to rig the election in favor of President Biden by handing out ballots to the millions of illegal aliens that have been streaming into the country over the past three years,” Biden spokesperson Alexander Sheperd told the press. “On a completely unrelated note, does anyone know how to say ‘President Biden will give you a prepaid $10 thousand Visa cash card if you vote for him’ in Spanish?”

As of publishing time, Biden aids were seen rounding up as many filled-out ballots as they could in an effort they said would “restore fair and free elections and prevent that fascist Trump from taking office ever again.”


BIG NEWS: We made a movie, and you can watch the trailer NOW:

Click here to find out how you can watch the movie when it releases on October 11


EDITORS NOTE: This Political Satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

ROOKE: Kamala’s Campaign Crossed The Line, And Now She’s Paying The Price

Some issues are more important than politics: family, faith and honor. This is a lesson that Vice President Kamala Harris and her campaign staff have apparently never learned. The Harris campaign used the deaths of service members as a political attack, and it backfired.

The incompetence of the Biden-Harris Administration is seen in everyday life for Americans, but especially for the families of the 13 service members who died on Aug. 26, 2021, during the disastrous Afghanistan withdrawal. Since that day, these Gold Star families watched as President Joe Biden stared at his watch while their sons’ and daughters’ bodies were delivered back to America. They felt the pain of loneliness when the president stole their time to honor their children by talking about his own son’s death. Harris has never reached out to these families to thank them for their sacrifice, family members have said publicly.

Despite the disrespect, these families have stayed silent and neutral. There have been a couple of comments to the press about the lack of support from the Biden-Harris administration, and one of the fathers did shout out their names during Biden’s State of the Union Address. Still, there seemed to be an unspoken agreement that these families weren’t weighing into the election. That was until the Harris campaign and her lackeys in regime media decided to turn the 3rd anniversary of their sacrifice into a political hit job against the only person willing to take their calls: former President Donald Trump.

Republican Arkansas Sen. Tom Cotton and former Congresswoman Tulsi Gabbard both claimed Sunday that Biden and Harris were invited by the Gold Star families to a wreath laying ceremony to honor their fallen loved ones. A Harris aide and White House staffer denied these claims to NBC News.

The families invited former President Trump. He showed up, took pictures with the families and even video chatted with families who couldn’t make the ceremony at their child’s gravesite.

They have never asked for much, just the honor and respect owed to their children for dying for this country. For whatever reason, the Biden-Harris Administration couldn’t handle this simple act of love. Then, when Trump’s appearance at Arlington National Cemetery exposed their heartless treatment of these families, the Harris campaign and the media tried to use their grief to score political points.

Harris used her X account to attack Trump over his visit. She claimed his appearance was politically motivated and “disrespected the sacred ground.”

“If there is one thing on which we as Americans can all agree, it is that our veterans, military families, and service members should be honored, never disparaged, and treated with nothing less than our highest respect and gratitude,” Harris said. This coming from the woman who has never once reached out to the families of the Abbey Gate 13 in order to show her “respect and gratitude” for their deaths, according to multiple family members’ statements.

The move was a significant miscalculation. Her decision to allow this statement triggered eight of the thirteen families to release video responses to Harris. In these videos, which have racked up millions of views, the families said Harris lacked empathy, blamed their deaths on the Biden-Harris Administration and denounced her campaign. In addition to the videos, some of the Gold Star families of the Abbey Gate 13 released a joint statementcalling Harris’s post a “disgraceful politicization of this anniversary,” according to screenshots posted on Trump’s X account. (ROOKE: The Moment The RFK Campaign Realized Trump Was Right About Everything)

“We, the families of the brave service members who were tragically killed in the Abbey Gate bombing, are appalled by Vice President Kamala Harris’ recent attempts to politicize President Trump’s visit to Arlington National Cemetery,” the families said, the screenshots show.

“Vice President Harris bears responsibility for the deaths of our sons and daughters. Her administration’s catastrophic mishandling of the Afghanistan withdrawal directly led to the murder of 13 service members, including our children. Despite our multiple requests for a meeting to discuss the loss of our loved ones, Vice President Harris has repeatedly ignored us, showing a complete lack of empathy and accountability. This refusal to face the consequences of her administration’s decisions is a deep betrayal to us as Gold Star families,” their statement continued, the screenshots read.

“Vice President Harris has proven herself unfit to serve as Commander-in-Chief. Her actions, both in the failure of the Afghanistan withdrawal and in her disgraceful politicization of this anniversary, have shown that she lacks the judgment, compassion, and leadership required for the position. We will continue to hold her accountable for the role she played in the deaths of our children, and we will not stand by as she disrespects their memory. America deserves better. Our children deserved better,” the families added, according to the screenshots.

This is a damning teardown of the Biden-Harris administration. Harris could have avoided this by showing even a little compassion to the grieving families by simply allowing Trump to honor their dead at Arlington National Cemetery without trying to turn it into a political issue.

Her inability to do that for these families gave life to a political problem that would have been nothing more than a blimp on the election radar. Now, a story about her lack of respect and compassion for dead soldiers and their families will last a week or more. She prolonged a negative news cycle and spat in the face of military families with less than 70 days until November. In any other decade, this would have lost her the election.

AUTHOR

Mary Rooke

Commentary and Analysis Writer.

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EDITORS NOTE: This Daily Caller column is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

BOOK ENDORSEMENT: ‘Obama meets Ahmadinejad’ by W. S. Arnott, Ph.D.

Dear Friend,

I very rarely recommend books written by other people. Mostly, I don’t want to be so presumptuous that I appear to think for someone else. For me to recommend another person’s book, not only does it have to hold my attention while I am reading, but it must give me food for thought long after I set it down to attend to other issues — even serious issues that need my close attention.

I have come onto such a book, and it gives me great pleasure to recommend it to all those who routinely receive MY VIEW and who pass my efforts on for others to read. I recommend its reading by anyone who appreciates good parody or satire that rouses a hearty laugh occasionally as it teaches one to be more cautious in choosing those who represent them in things government — especially those representing them at the highest level. Here is some basic information:

Title: OBAMA MEETS AHMADINEJAD

Please write him and ask for a summary — AND BUY THE BOOK! I will give you a hint of its content, however. It is about Barack Hussein Obama and Ahmadinejad, his enemy in time (and in close dialogue!) You’ll be surprised at how much and what you will learn! Please pay close attention to it.

In remarkable dialogue, these “talking heads” try to influence others while giving insight into their pejorative thinking and philosophy! It is incredible how Imani has them psychologically dissected and laid out as a puzzle on a big table. The author moves freely among each actor’s thoughts and mental gyrations at their stage of life — both parrying and thrusting, trying to influence the other. It doesn’t take long to determine the stronger character of the two — still, continued reading gives personal information about each and how they came to be as they are, and primarily offers a plethora of information about Islamic ideology. Just to remind you, the author has personal experience in the situations he speaks of. He is spending his life warning the world of the danger of an Islamic take-over — a warning that HAD BETTER be heeded, or else . . . . . .

Amil’s writings can be found on his website (but much more conveniently in this book form.) He is currently directing Iranian Freedom Initiative (IFI), a branch of the Global Freedom Initiative including American Freedom Defense Initiative (AFDI)TM, Freedom Defense Initiative (FDI)TM, European Freedom Defense Initiatives, European Freedom Initiatives, Israel Freedom Initiative, SIOE, SIAD, SIO Poland, SIO Romania, SIO Bulgaria, SIO France, SIO Sweden, SIO Norway, et al, with Pamela Geller and Robert Spencer.

Mr. Imani’s book is sprinkled with facts, information not previously published, humor, satire, and entertainment. It is one of those books that leads you into paths not traveled by many but who would have benefited had they taken the trip. Again, I SINCERELY recommend it be read and enjoyed. Being a psychologist, I especially appreciated the many verbal nuances that sprung from words used by the author. Your knowledge of words will be challenged again and again.

W. S. Arnott, Ph.D.

Psychologist for 40 years: Supervising Psychologist, VA; Manager of Rehab Div at AZ Industrial Commission; on staff of 3 hospitals; Instructor at Community College, 13 years (Evening Division); consultant to Department of Economic Security (Disability Division); high school teacher for 3 years; Air Force veteran (1942-1946).

©2024. Amil Imani. All rights reserved.

Who is Dr. Jill Biden?

Trumpet Brief, published a column titled Who is Running the Show? on September 6, 2023. My preceding column What the Republicans don’t know they need for the 2024 Election, with the same idea of question, had been published September 2, 2023. The difference is that I put the question at the end of the column: What do you think, who is running Biden’s team of Socialist Mafia? In fact, I agree with all analyses in the Trumpet Brief, concerning Obamas. Nevertheless, based on my knowledge of Russian history, Intel, and especially the KGB’s Mafia/Army (my term), I am going to give you my personal version and the answer to the question.

So, what do you think, of who is running Biden’s team of the Evil Socialist Mafia? Socialist Mafia is a political term, it means the fix is in since 2015, the door to the White House is opened by Hunter’s shady dealings with the wife of the Mayor of Moscow. Remember, the overwhelming power of the KGB over all people in high positions in Russia and this Hunter’s linking in Russia means also a connection with Vladimir Putin. The KGB’s Mafia/Army and Vladimir Putin are inseparable and Putin is a devoted disciple of the Stalin/Andropove legacy. This historical line of connections plays an exclusively important role in world politics today—it will explain the Russian policy of “Disinformation”—covering up the TRUTH.

I have recognized the Stalin/Andropove legacy in 2021, insisting on my opinion that the Afghanistan surrender had been designed by Putin and executed by Biden’s White House. I am still sure of that, because I knew the strategy and tactics of the Stalin/Andropove legacy, and I recognized them immediately—I know the KGB’s Mafia/Army tactics and handwriting. Today I have additional evidence of my rightness. The 13 American marines had been killed by the ISIS-K suicide bomber. For your information the Stalin/Andropov legacy had recruited the leadership of Taliban in 1979 and using them today, second, Stalin married the Communist Ideology with Islam and the ISIS movement was created and supervised by the KGB’s Mafia/Army. Read my columns for free and learn about Russia’s never-ending attacks of Western civilization.

When you are familiar with the name Yuri Andropov the KGB Chairman 1967-1982, you also should know that he was the man who designed a simultaneous infiltration into the American Media and American Security Apparatus by the KGB’s Mafia/Aemy. I had this information from my Law School friends working with Andropov. I have served as a defense attorney for 25 years within the legal community of Russia. Only now we can move to America.

It is one thing to infiltrate America, but to infiltrate the White House is a very unthinkable task or agenda, but the KGB’s Mafia/Army had it and was working to find a woman able to do that. Forty-five years ago, Jill Stevenson divorced her husband. The KGB had confidence in her ability, and forty-three years ago a car accident killed Biden’s first wife. Knowing the KGB’s Mafia/Army tactics, I believe it wasn’t a car accident, but assassination to give Jill the opportunity to marry Joe Biden. Knowing that I will write a column about Jill Biden, I sent an email to Jim Jordan to request a police protocol of the mentioned car accident a year ago. We have already corresponded for many years. I don’t know whether he has the needed police protocol for a car accident or not.

Today is September 11, 2023 and our country commemorated 22 years since the tragedy. It is unthinkable, but the nation still doesn’t know that the crime of the 9/11 attacks had been designed and supervised by Russia. I have been writing and showing the ominous face of Russia for forty-two years, calling it the new “Axis of Evil”—North Korea, China, Iran, and Syria under the Russian umbrella. For several years I have been writing about Mexican Cartels, which are in fact, the Russian Cartels established by Stalin in the 20th century and destroying our country from within since. Those Cartels are working to bankrupt capitalism. There are Medical Russian Cartels as well to produce false Covid-19 results and much more…

However, I can’t break through the wall of mistrust and ignorance of reality pertaining to Russia. America doesn’t know Russia and all our troubles are derived from this ignorance: the Dems gun grab, raising crime, inflation, immigration, indoctrination of our children, overwhelming corruption of Biden’s team, and so on. Finally, I found the column, which might have convinced you of my truthfulness. The one page of the column is so craftily and skillfully designed and covers so many current issues that I can’t limit myself by taking only a few quotations from it. The masterpiece should be read as a whole. I am asking Unmuzzled News to forgive me. However, I have no alternative but to publish the entire column. Here it is:

Jill Biden’s ex-husband made one startling revelation about the Biden Crime Family allegations

Joe Biden is not out of the woods when it comes to corruption.

Hunter Biden’s botched plea deal opened up another can of worms.

And now Jill Biden’s ex-husband has just made one startling revelation about the Biden Crime Family allegations.

Five years after the tragic death of his wife and daughter in a car accident, Joe Biden married his current wife, Jill.

Bill Stevenson, Jill Biden’s ex-husband, claimed that Jill met Joe while they were still married, not on a blind date as the Bidens tell it.

Stevenson also claimed that he was targeted by the “Biden Crime Family” back in the day.

Stevenson, who was married to the First Lady from 1970 to 1975, claimed that Joe’s brother Frank strong-armed him into giving Jill their house in divorce proceedings.

Dr. Jill Biden’s divorce from her ex-husband sounds like it got really nasty

He told Newsmax, “Frankie Biden of the Biden Crime Family comes up to me and he goes, ‘Give her the house or you’re going to have serious problems… I looked at Frankie and I said, ‘Are you threatening me?’ And needless to say, about two months later, my brother and I were indicted for that tax charge for $8,200.”

Asked if he believed Joe Biden was behind the sudden tax charge, Stevenson said, “I not only think it, but I know it… I was on the wrong side of them and they have literally come after me for 35 years in a row.”

Stevenson, a Donald Trump supporter, believes that he was targeted the same way Trump has been by the DOJ and the media.

Jill Biden ex’s interview put jaws on the floor with startling allegations about the Biden family’s tactics during split

He continued, “It’s hard to believe what they’re doing to President Trump… I can’t let them do this to a president I love and respect… This is the only reason I’ve come forward. It’s like I said, nothing about the divorce, no bitterness, but Jimmy, Frankie, and President Biden are very dangerous, and it’s tragic. I can’t let them do what they did to me to President Trump. I can’t do it.”

Stevenson’s tax charge vis-à-vis Hunter Biden’s tax charge is a clear example of the two-tiered justice system that exists.

Friends of the D.C. Swamp are protected, and enemies are punished.

Stevenson was hit with felonies while Hunter Biden’s tax charge ran into the millions, and he was offered a misdemeanor plea deal.

The Biden Crime Family was hoping Hunter’s exploits would be swept under the rug, but that has not panned out.

Stay tuned to Unmuzzled News for any updates to this ongoing story.”

The conclusion is stunning and very gloomy: Russian Intel has been on American soil since 1970s and that fact is missing by the American FBI and CIA. Both still don’t know the KGB’s Mafia/Army and allow it to run the White House. I hope that with the help of Bill Stevenson I answered the question of who Dr. Jill Biden is. The same game has been used in Ukraine to cover up the Dem’s long-term collusion with the Russian Intel. Ukraine is the operation “Disinformation” used by the Putin/Biden conspiracy, to cover up the truth.

Read my columns and learn about Russia and its KGB’s Mafia/Army—the Evil Doer. Without this information we can lose the American Constitutional Republic designed and left to us by our Founding Fathers.

To be continued www.simonapipko.com and at www.drrichswier.com/author/spipko/

#BoycottHersheys: Here Are 3 Chocolate Companies That Actually Celebrate Women

The Hershey Company is facing boycotts and backlash in response to a new ad campaign from Hershey Canada, which uses a male activist who identifies as a transgender woman as a spokesman for International Women’s Day. The activist, who goes by the name Fae Johnstone, is one of five individuals whose likenesses have been printed on limited edition “HER for SHE” chocolate bars for the campaign. While the other four people chosen are actually women, the inclusion of a male dressed as a female in a campaign promoting a holiday dedicated to women has drawn widespread criticism.

Sadly, the trend of kowtowing to the LGBTQQIP2SAA mob in direct opposition to supporting women has infested many mainstream chocolate producers. In 2021, both Mars, Inc. and Nestle USA joined an op-ed in support of transing kids and decrying state laws that protect women’s sports. After years of popular chocolate companies supporting the erasure of women, it appears that Americans are fed up. This Thursday, #BoycottHersheys hit the number one trending spot on Twitter and inspired the creation of at least one pro-woman alternative to woke chocolate.

If you’re a lover of both chocolate and biological reality, there’s no need to continue buying from woke companies that hate women. Even in a world where radical corporate activism lurks around every corner, it is (nearly) always possible to find a small, family-operated alternative to the mainstream companies that profit from perversion and sin.

Here are three great alternatives to trans-idolizing chocolate companies like Hershey’s.

1. Equal Exchange

Equal Exchange, a fair-trade worker co-op, was founded in 1986 with the inspirational question, “What if food could be traded in a way that is honest and fair, a way that empowers both farmers and consumers?” Specializing in chocolate, coffee, tea, and snacks, Equal Exchange sources from 40 small farmer organizations around the world. Equal Exchange regularly highlights how churches around the world use their products in fostering fellowship and teaching their congregations about the importance of fair trade. Equal Exchange has previously highlighted its efforts to support women as small business owners around the world and at all stages of its operation — from farmers to baristas.

2. Gertrude Hawk Chocolates

Chocolate company founder Gertrude (Jones) Hawk began her career in candy at the age of 12 in a local candy shop in Scranton, Pa. At a young age, Gertrude left school to support her family after her father died and her mother became ill. In adulthood, she founded Gertrude Hawk Chocolates in her own kitchen as a method of earning extra income for the family during the Great Depression. Today, Gertrude’s family business continues to bear her name and celebrate her legacy as a female small business founder.

Gertrude’s descendants also operate the Hawk Family Foundation, which funds nonprofit organizations and private schools that seek to positively impact children, seniors, those currently incarcerated, and returning citizens. The fund specifically notes that it will not contribute to causes that support abortion.

3. Läderach

This chocolate company was dropped by Swiss Air Lines in 2020 for its owner’s pro-life and pro-family views. Then-owner Jürg Läderach was also president and board member of Christianity for Today — an evangelical organization based in Switzerland. While simultaneously running his luxury chocolate company, Jürg was known for his advocacy on defending unborn children, upholding natural marriage, and fighting the pornography epidemic — all values that directly impact the human dignity of women. Leadership of the company has since been passed on to the newest generation of the Läderach family under son Johannes.

AUTHOR

Joy Stockbauer

Joy Stockbauer is a correspondent for The Washington Stand.

RELATED ARTICLE: Parents Have the Right to Resist Gender Theory Indoctrination

EDITORS NOTE: This Washington Stand column is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.


The Washington Stand is Family Research Council’s outlet for news and commentary from a biblical worldview. The Washington Stand is based in Washington, D.C. and is published by FRC, whose mission is to advance faith, family, and freedom in public policy and the culture from a biblical worldview. We invite you to stand with us by partnering with FRC.

Is the Church in America Dying?

“We are a religious people whose institutions presuppose a Supreme Being.” So declared the U.S. Supreme Court in Zorach v. Clauson (1952).

In an earlier decision, Rector of the Holy Trinity v. United States (1892), the Supreme Court said: “[Americans are] a religious people. This is historically true. From the discovery of this continent to the present hour, there is a single voice making this affirmation.”

The Trinity decision then went into great detail about the early colonial charters (mostly Christian). Finally, the Supreme Court concluded: “These, and many other matters which might be noticed, add a volume of unofficial declarations to the mass of organic utterances that this is a Christian nation.”

But fast forward to today. Recent assessments declare or imply that the church in America is dying. One headline (Citizen Free Press.com, 9/23/2022) described it this way: “Axios begins countdown to death of Christianity.”

Axios comments on the findings of the Pew Research Center: “Depending on whether this trend slows, stops or speeds up, Pew projects the number of Christians of all ages will shrink from 64% to between 54% and 35% of all Americans by 2070.”

These stories on the alleged death of the American church keep popping up. And I have often talked on the radio with Dr. Byron Johnson of Baylor University about them. He’s a professor of social sciences, and notes overand over that these stories give the wrong impression.

Johnson, who used to teach at Princeton and the University of Pennsylvania, co-wrote an article about the “Nones.” The Nones simply refers to people who would be categorized by the pollsters as having no religious affiliation.

The Pew study mentioned above, for example, declares, that given the present trends, by 2070,”’Nones’ would rise from the current 30% to 34%-52% of the U.S.”

But what Johnson and his co-authors, including the late Dr. Rodney Stark, argue is that many of the “Nones” might not be as irreligious as they would seem.

Here’s what Johnson and Stark et al. noted: “[M]any individuals who report no religious affiliation or check ’none‘ on surveys (as well as atheists and agnostics) display a wide variety of religious and spiritual practices and beliefs. Many attend religious services, pray, meditate, believe in God or a higher power, have religious experiences, and believe in heaven, hell, and miracles.”

It seems almost as if the “Nones” should perhaps be called instead “the Sometimes.”

Johnson and company continue: “Even though a growing proportion of people in the U.S. appear to be reporting no religious affiliation on surveys, there are many measurement-related, conceptual, and methodological reasons to question the assumption that these people are not religious, and scholars need to look more closely at the actual practices and beliefs of so-called nones.”

Johnson and his coauthors also take other pollsters to task for being sloppy in their terminology: “[U]se of phrases like religious none, no religion, and not religious to describe this group of individuals is inappropriate, inaccurate, and misleading since they may simply be institutionally unaffiliated or indeed affiliated but not with any of the list of categories provided.”

They conclude that more research is needed before definitive statements are pronounced: “More focused research is needed before we will fully understand who the nones are, and whether religion is actually declining in the U.S., as well as around the world.”

As Glenn T. Stanton explains in his book, The Myth of the Dying Church (2019): “The apparent shrinking of Christianity is both true and false. True in that nominal and weak ‘Christian-in-name-only’ folks are identifying as Christians less and less. But there is no indication whatsoever that serious faith is shrinking any.”

Stanton adds, “So is Christianity shrinking? Not if you’re talking about the biblically faithful congregations that call their people to genuine Christian discipleship. Only…the mainline churches…are free falling as if they have a millstone tied to their necks.”

“So the real story is,” notes Stanton, “this is a sheep and goats being divided thing. A clarifying of faith, rather than shrinking of faith.”

In John Calvin’s Commentary on Isaiah 9:7, he provides an excellent reminder for Christians of all ages that we are truly on the winning side: “Though the kingdom of Christ is in such a condition that it appears as if it were about to perish at every moment, yet God not only protects and defends it, but also extends its boundaries far and wide, and then preserves and carries it forward in uninterrupted progression to eternity.”

Dr. Byron Johnson told me: “Here’s a bit of advice: the secular media will continue to push out the narrative that religion is dying…why not focus on the hundreds and thousands of peer-reviewed studies that show the power of faith to transform?” That sounds like a great topic for a future column.

©Jerry Newcombe, D.Min. All rights reserved.

The People’s Cube is 17-years old (and we still don’t know its gender)!

As the People’s Cube turns 17 years old today, let us wish it success in denouncing and canceling enemies of world progress, luck in not being canceled in the process, and heroic compliance with government mandates that are only going to increase exponentially.

As everyone turning 17 should know, it is the exciting time when one must start being extra cautious about what one posts on social media. From now on, anything you say, post, film, and leave on a laptop that you forget to pick up from a repair shop in Delaware, can be used against you by people whose laptops haven’t been discovered yet.

It is also time you finally picked your gender, preferably different from the one assigned to you at birth, so that you can successfully sue your obstetrician of misgendering you 17 years ago and use that money to pay for college and start your adult life in style as defined for you by designated thought leaders.

That said, we would like to appeal to all of our members’ sense of progressivism, requesting a voluntary gender reassignment to any of the 72 genders as long as it’s not what you are currently known by. Voluntary compliance shall be strictly monitored.

Don’t worry about pronouns. We are already addressing one another as comrades, which is the best gender-neutral pronoun one can think of. Forget the confusing “they” or “them.” In the Glorious World of Next Tuesday, all gender-biased pronouns will be replaced with “comrade.”

Furthermore, your inner comrades must also undergo a corresponding inventory and gender reassignment. Those of you in possession of multiple inner comrades will be offered free consultations at the Karl Marx Treatment Center.

It is our hope that the Cube’s gender reveal party will be forthcoming!

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by Red Square on The Peoples Cube is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

14 Things The FBI Found In Donald Trump’s Safe

The FBI raided former President Trump’s Mar-a-Lago home and found incriminating evidence that he was once President of the United States of America! While they were there they spent over four hours cracking open a solid gold safe.

Here’s what they found:

  1. Thousands of McDonald’s receipts: Immaculate record keeping!
  2. Three pallets of Norvell Premium Sunless Tanning Solution, Dark 1: Only the best for our President!
  3. World’s best president mug: The mug has been detained for questioning.
  4. Barron’s Xbox controller because he’s grounded from Xbox: This is a relief. We thought he was ghosting us on Xbox Live.
  5. The kickstand for Biden’s bike: Sneaky!
  6. Obama’s actual birth certificate: Everyone was wrong. He was born in Zap, ND. Weird.
  7. A note that reads “You FBI guys are low IQ. Sad! Not good!”: This was found in a safe within a safe.
  8. Free verse, reflective poems: So sensitive!
  9. Several dozen copies of Home Alone 2: Lost in New York: Probably the inspiration for all the booby traps federal agents had to evade.
  10. The actual nuclear codes and not the fake ones he slipped to Biden: Wait a minute, wouldn’t the real president have the nuclear codes?
  11. Little tiny shampoos which were stolen from the White House bathroom: Ladies and gentlemen, we got him!
  12. Over a million unsent tweets: Carefully recorded and cataloged on papyrus scrolls.
  13. A signed agreement between Trump and Pence that he would not “mean tweet” Pence: Appears to be scrawled in crayon on a KFC napkin.
  14. The Mirror of Erised: When he looks into it he sees world peace.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Hunter Biden Breathes Sigh Of Relief As FBI Raid Team Passes By His House On Way to Mar-A-Lago

WEST PALM BEACH, FL — High-level Chinese asset and sex trafficker Hunter Biden breathed a sigh of relief this evening as an FBI raid team passed by his West Palm Beach vacation home to raid Donald Trump’s residence in Mar-a-Lago.

“Whew! Thought they had me for a minute there,” Biden sighed, according to sources before going back to smoking crack with a hooker on a pile of cash freshly delivered by Chinese agents. “Glad to know the FBI is still working for my Dad!”

The FBI arrived at Mar-a-Lago shortly after, but things got awkward after the FBI raid team ran into the FBI evidence planting team due to a scheduling mistake.


Michael Simmons’ doctor tells him he’s obese and needs to lose some weight – but the patient has the perfect comeback: he’s pregnant!

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Brittney Griner Rewarded With 9 Years Of Not Hearing The U.S. National Anthem

MOSCOW — WNBA star Brittney Griner has been found guilty of drug trafficking charges in Russia. The judge has sentenced Griner to 9 years in a Russian penal colony where she will never have to hear America’s national anthem being played.

“I’m thrilled with this ruling,” said Griner to reporters. “For 9 years I will be free from the systemic racism of America and will never have to hear that awful national anthem being played. I look forward to living out the next decade far away in beautiful Russia.”

Sources close to Griner say she is also thrilled that she got the exact same sentence a man would have gotten for the exact same crime. “In Russia, they really seem to care about closing the sentencing gap between men and women,” she said.

Russian authorities say Griner will be given special tasks around the penal colony, such as reaching things on high shelves, pruning the tops of trees, and breaking large rocks into little rocks.

“I just want to say thank you to Vladimir Putin for saving me from the racist hellhole that is the United States, if only for 9 years,” said Griner.

At publishing time, President Biden proposed bringing Griner back home by exchanging her for Hunter Biden.


A Babylon Bee subscriber contributed to this report. If you want to get involved with the staff writers at The Babylon Bee, check out our membership options here!


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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

IRRATIONAL: California joins New York Declares Monkeypox State of Emergency, Biden Forms Monkeypox Task Force

Following in lockstep with the the other Failed Democrat state New York. The only thing deadly here is another stolen election.

Here we go. Democrat pre-election fear mongering and chaos in order to usurp, yet again, American elections.

People are not dying from Monkeypox, a predominantly gay sexually transmitted disease (the hysteria over this from everyone else is irrational and painful to watch).

California governor declares monkeypox state of emergency

By: Don Thompson, AP, July 3, 2022:

California governor declares monkeypox state of emergency

FILE – A man holds a sign urging increased access to the monkeypox vaccine during a protest in San Francisco, July 18, 2022. California’s governor on Monday, Aug. 1, 2022, declared a state of emergency to speed efforts to combat the monkeypox outbreak, becoming the second state in three days to take the step.

California’s governor on Monday, Aug. 1, 2022, declared a state of emergency to speed efforts to combat the monkeypox outbreak, becoming the second state in three days to take the step. (AP Photo/Haven Daley, File)

SACRAMENTO, Calif. (AP) — California’s governor on Monday declared a state of emergency to speed efforts to combat the monkeypox outbreak, becoming the second state in three days to take the step.

Gov. Gavin Newsom said the declaration will help California coordinate a government-wide response, seek more vaccines and lead outreach and education efforts on where people can get treatment and vaccination.

“We’ll continue to work with the federal government to secure more vaccines, raise awareness about reducing risk, and stand with the LGBTQ community fighting stigmatization,” Newsom said in a statement announcing his declaration.

Nearly 800 cases of monkeypox have been reported in California, according to state public health officials.

The monkeypox virus spreads through prolonged and close skin-to-skin contact, which can include hugging, cuddling and kissing, as well as through the sharing of bedding, towels and clothing. People getting sick so far have mainly been men who have sex with men, though health officials note that the virus can infect anyone.

“Public health officials are clear: stigma is unacceptable and counterproductive in public health response,” Michelle Gibbons, executive director of the County Health Executives Association of California said in a statement. “The fact is that monkeypox is primarily spread by skin to skin contact and sharing objects like bedding or towels, without regard to sexual orientation or gender identity.”

The type of monkeypox virus identified in this outbreak is rarely fatal, and people usually recover within weeks. But the lesions and blisters caused by the virus are painful, and they can prevent swallowing or bowel movements if in the throat or anus.

The declaration in California came after a similar one in New York state on Saturday, and in San Francisco on Thursday. Newsom’s administration had said as recently as Friday that it was too soon for such a declaration.

After pressing for Newsom to make such a declaration, Democratic state Sen. Scott Wiener of San Francisco hailed the governor’s decision.

“The monkeypox outbreak is an emergency, and we need to use every tool we have to control it,” Wiener said.

AUTHOR

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EDITORS NOTE: This Geller Report is republished with  permission. ©All rights reserved.

Climate Change Is Real. Here Are 10 Undeniable Proofs

As we swelter in the dog days of summer, even crotchety ol’ Grandpa Silas is starting to wonder if there might be something to this “climate change” thing after all. Well, we here at The Babylon Bee dug into the research and – to our great shock – ended up discovering ten absolutely undeniable proofs that climate change is real. Read ’em and weep, climate denier!

  1. It is hot. – If you go outside and it’s a bit toasty, you can’t deny it any longer: the climate is changing.
  2. It is cold. – If you go outside and it’s a bit nippy, you can’t deny it any longer: the climate is changing.
  3. It is raining. – Rain is absolute proof of climate change.
  4. It is not raining. – A lack of rain is absolute proof of climate change.
  5. It’s a pleasant day. – A nice day outside? In Minnesota? CLIMATE. CHANGE.
  6. It’s not a pleasant day. – A not-so-nice day outside? In California? CLIMATE. CHANGE.
  7. It’s snowing. – It has literally never snowed before cars were invented. Climate change!
  8. It’s not snowing. – It has literally never not snowed before cars were invented. Climate change!
  9. It is summer. – When it’s summer, it’s hot, proving the climate is changing.
  10. It is winter. – When it’s winter, it’s cold, proving the climate is changing.

A Babylon Bee subscriber contributed to this report. If you want to get involved with the staff writers at The Babylon Bee, check out our membership options here!


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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Biden: ‘I Don’t Know If We’re In A Recession, I’m Not A Biologist’

WASHINGTON, D.C. — America’s GDP has fallen over the last two quarters, stoking fears of a possible recession due to the fact that America is now in a recession. When asked whether the U.S. is now in a recession, Biden answered that he wasn’t qualified to answer, as he doesn’t have a biology degree.

“I don’t know if we’re in a recession, I’m not a biologist,” said Biden to the bronze bust of Hugo Chávez in his office. “Leave that stuff to the experts, Jack! If you ask me, the economy should lose some weight, anyway. Too fat. We deserve this for being racist anyway. Come on, man!”

The White House quickly clarified Biden’s statement, saying the U.S. is not in a terrible recession because the word “recession” has been redefined, as has the word “terrible.”

“It should be noted that the word ‘recession’ is being used by extreme far-alt-right-right extreme extremists,” said gay black Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre to reporters. “At best, the word ‘recession’ is a racist dog whistle. At worst, it’s a cruel slur against a historically marginalized economy. We condemn anyone who would use this racist language.”

At publishing time, Supreme Court Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson couldn’t confirm whether America is in a recession either, as she is also not a biologist.

A Babylon Bee subscriber contributed to this report. If you want to get involved with the staff writers at The Babylon Bee, check out our membership options here!

Michael Simmons’ doctor tells him he’s obese and needs to lose some weight – but the patient has the perfect comeback: he’s pregnant!

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

10 Great Ways To Reverse The Recession

The GDP (Gross Domestic Product) numbers were released today and it turns out we’re in a recession.

EVERYBODY PANIC!

We’ve got to fix this immediately! Fortunately, we’ve consulted with the highly educated economists that got us into this mess to see how we can get out of it.

Here are some great ways to reverse the recession immediately:

  1. Turn the GDP chart upside down: Wow, that was easy!
  2. Change what the word “recession” means: Why yes, the economy is experiencing good vibes. Thank you for asking, Mr. Doocy.
  3. Play the reverse card from your UNO hand that you’ve been holding onto: Oh no! The economy played its own reverse card!
  4. Think long and hard, ‘What would AOC do?’: Probably something really brilliant and progressive!
  5. Form a Congressional committee to research how to get out of recessions so they can publish their findings in 3 years: The buck stops eventually!
  6. Invade Canada and take all their GDP for ourselves: They don’t have any guns to defend themselves.
  7. Ask Ukraine for our $80 billion back: They probably haven’t spent it yet.
  8. Order a second season of Jan 6 hearings: That’ll distract everyone from their financial pains.
  9. Ask Joey, a fifth grader: He’ll know what to do!
  10. Replace the entire government with Ron Paul: We can only dream.

This should reverse the recession in a jiffy! But if that doesn’t work we can always try redefining “reverse.”

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Scientists Unveil Periodic Table Of Genders

U.S. — The nation’s leading scientists unveiled a new periodic table of genders to help everyone keep track of the evolving gender spectrum. Experts are recommending the table be rolled out to schools across the nation and added to each state’s curriculum for grades 9-12.

The gender table features 114 genders in addition to a wild card space that represents the limitless imagination of the human mind.

“One of the biggest struggles with gender identity is that no one knows what you’re talking about,” said Dr. Stephen Andross. “I, myself, am amicagender, which means my gender identity changes depending on the friends I have. This is distinct from someone who is genderfluid or genderfuzz and now, thanks to our gender table, people can easily understand this.”

“Why are you laughing?”

Scientists compiled their list of genders based on a survey of mentally ill patients and their own personal desires. Later, the information was distilled into a brief but meaningless combination of made-up words and categories.

In a survey of gender studies majors, it was found to be “mildly helpful.”

At publishing time, California legislators voted to require teaching on the periodic table of genders beginning in kindergarten.


A Babylon Bee subscriber contributed to this report. If you want to get involved with the staff writers at The Babylon Bee, check out our membership options here!


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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.