To Combat Falling Poll Numbers, Biden Moved Down To Sub-Basement

WILMINGTON, DE—Presidential candidate Joe Biden has been leading President Trump in most polls, but now the race has started to tighten in a few key states, such as Florida. This has caused the Biden campaign to take extra precautions, moving Biden from the basement into a farther down sub-basement.

“Our defensive strategy has worked so far, so we think it’s time to double-down,” explained Biden campaign manager Jennifer O’Malley Dillon. “Our job is to keep Biden safe and unseen until he naps his way to an electoral victory, but a regular basement just wasn’t cutting it anymore.”

The decision to move Biden came after he had a few public gaffes over Zoom and almost choked on a ping pong ball from the ping pong table in the basement. The new sub-basement Biden will be staying in is so far down that it can’t get a cell signal and doesn’t even have internet, further limiting his exposure. There are also fewer things down there that he can get in trouble with, as all the sub-basement has are a cot and a TV with integrated VCR, on which he can watch some shows.

Preparations are being made to further this strategy, with an underwater base being built in an undisclosed trench in the Atlantic Ocean, which Biden will be moved to in October. This is quite different from the campaign strategy of President Trump, who spends most of his time standing on the roof of the White House shouting at everyone who walks by.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

State With No Electricity Orders Everyone To Drive Cars That Run On Electricity

SACRAMENTO, CA—Gavin Newsom, governor of the state with the highest people-to-electricity ratio in the nation, banned gasoline cars yesterday via executive order. The order takes effect in 2035, meaning by that time, everyone in the state with no electricity will only be able to plug in their cars to the power grid that does not work.

“Everyone, plug in those cars!” Newsom said proudly in a room lit only by candlelight, since, you know, the whole electricity thing. “Other states run on backward, outdated fossil fuels. We are the state of the future, so we will run solely on electricity. Which, you know, we’re working on. We could have power by 2035. You never know.”

There was an awkward silence.

“SCIENCE!” Newsom said, regaining his momentum and drawing applause from the reporters gathered.

By the year 2035, the move is expected to completely eliminate all gasoline car carbon emissions, smog, and California residents.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Constitution To Be Replaced By List Of Ginsburg’s Last Wishes

WASHINGTON, D.C.—At a somber ceremony this morning, leading government officials announced that the US Constitution, the oldest surviving national constitution and the founding document of the world’s leading democracy, will be entirely replaced by the last wishes of Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

“She was a super lady and everybody loved her,” said Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer. “I think the least we can do to honor her memory is get rid of that musty old Constitution, which I’ll remind you that nobody likes anyway, and replace it with last wishes of Justice Ginsburg, who was much less old and musty than the Constitution and definitely smelled much better, I promise you.”

Among the list of Ginsburg’s wishes that will now make up the governing principles of the nation are the right of all Americans to a nice bowl of soup, the requirement to have all thermostats set to 87 degrees year-round, and unlimited foot rubs with that bunion lotion they sell at the Walgreens.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi added, “Of course everyone’s familiar with Justice Ginsburg’s wish to be replaced by the next president, so naturally we’ll do that. But you may not know that she also wanted the next president to replace Justice Kavanaugh after he is killed in a bizarre, unexplained garbage disposal mishap. So, we’ll get started on that as soon as Brett has time on his schedule.”

RELATED POLITICAL SATIRE: In Lieu Of New Justice, Trump Announces He Will Simply Grant Clarence Thomas Two Votes

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

BLM Rioters Awarded Nobel Peace Prize

OSLO—The Norwegian Nobel Committee has announced the recipients of this year’s Nobel Peace Prize: Black Lives Matter peaceful protesters who burned down communities and violently beat all who stood in their way.

BLM protester and Antifa member Bryce Hapley accepted the award on behalf of all the incredibly peaceful protesters across the United States.

“Nobody has done more for peace than these brave peaceful protesters,” a Nobel Committee spokesperson said while presenting the award to the young man, clad in all black and wielding a bike lock. “Every thrown brick, every bloodied citizen, and every burned-down low-income housing community represents another step toward world peace.”

“This may be the most deserving recipient since Barack Obama.”

Hapley immediately hurled the Nobel medal through the window of a nearby Starbucks in the name of peace.

RELATED POLITICAL SATIRE: Constitution To Be Replaced By List Of Ginsburg’s Last Wishes

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

New Martin Luther-Shaped Amazon Echo Will Rudely Answer All Your Theology Questions

U.S.—Specifically targeting the lucrative Christian market for the first time in celebration of the 500th anniversary of the Protestant Reformation, Amazon just released a new version of its Amazon Echo device that is shaped like Reformer Martin Luther.

Dubbed the “Amazon Luther,” the new device is programmed to answer all your theology questions in the Reformer’s trademark aggressive tone and style.

An Amazon rep gave a demo at the press conference announcing the device, showing off some of its dynamic responses:

“Luther, can you tell me about the Pope?”

The Pope is a mere tormentor of conscience. The assembly of his greased and religious crew in praying is altogether like the croaking of frogs, which edifies nothing at all.

“Luther, am I a good person?”

You are a sinner, you’re dead, you’re eaten up with corruption. Every free choice of yours is evil and not good.

“Luther, is Joel Osteen a solid preacher?”

Yes, Joel is an excellent person, as skillful, clever, and versed in Holy Scripture as a cow in a walnut tree or a sow on a harp.

The device was programmed to showcase as much scathing wit as Martin Luther had himself as he responded to his various theological and political foes throughout his years, and will quickly snap back to anything you ask it with a “brutal fatality,” claim Amazon’s product engineers.

According to Amazon, the device will also be able to order beer straight to the user’s home, jovially shouting, “Yes, let us drink beer!” whenever the consumer does so.

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EDITOR NOTE: This political satire by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Trump Fires Off Giant Pink Glitter Cannon To Reveal Gender Of SCOTUS Nominee

WASHINGTON, D.C.—It was a festive occasion, as gender reveals often are, and a crowd brimming with excitement gathered outside the White House to find out from President Trump what gender the nominee for Supreme Court Justice would be.

“Oh I sure hope it’s a boy!” yelled one man.

“No way! It has to be a girl!” yelled a nearby woman.

However, some unhappy citizens gathered in the crowd only to protest how primitive and cis-heteronormative a gender reveal party for a Supreme Court Justice is.

“This is so backwards,” yelled local non-binary furry queen-king Yoox Bellavix. “The nominee hasn’t even been questioned by the Senate to determine what gender they identify with! Gender is not the same as biological sex! We need hearings now!”

Trump suddenly appeared on the White House lawn and greeted all the gathered crowd with a wide beaming smile like that of an expectant father. “Thank you, ladies and gentlemen and Democrats and Fake News media! I am very happy, so very happy, I don’t even remember the last time I was this happy, to announce the gender of our nominee to fill the seat!” he said.

The crowd erupted in joyous applause as the Secret Service rolled out a giant wheeled cannon similar to a civil war artillery piece and pulled the trigger to send an enormous cloud of pink glitter into the air.

“Of course it’s a girl! It’s a girl!” Trump said as he made an hourglass curve gesture with his hands. “Tremendous. Thank you very much!”

At publishing time, all the assembled media figures stood completely covered in pink glitter. The White House lawn is also entirely covered. The EPA estimates it could take up to 12 years for the pristine swamp environment of the White House lawn to return to normal.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Trump Derangement Syndrome Questionnaire

The following diagnostic test might help all citizens who are suffering from this terrible malady… Maybe you can help some friends or family with this tool.

TDS QUESTIONNAIRE V 1.0

Before you take this test, we want to stress that having a mental illness should not make you feel ashamed. Seek professional help if you experience any of the following symptoms during the assessment:

  • You start seeing Russians everywhere around you
  • You feel the need to burn buildings
  • You start convulsing uncontrollably

Question 1

Imagine one of your friends or family members saying the following:

“I’m not talking about the neo-nazis and white nationalists, because they should be condemned totally.”

Which of the following statements is true:

a. your friend condems neo-nazis and white nationalists totally
b. your friend supports neo-nazis and white nationalists

Question 2

Donald Trump is on record saying the following words (see here for full transcript):

“I’m not talking about the neo-nazis and white nationalists, because they should be condemned totally.”

Which of the following statements is true:

a. Donald Trump condemns neo-nazis and white nationalists totally
b. Donald Trump supports neo-nazis and white nationalists

Question 3:

Please read the following lines out loud three times (from the DJT response to the Charlottesville violence):

“So you know what, it’s fine. You’re changing history. You’re changing culture. And you had people — and I’m not talking about the neo-Nazis and the white nationalists — because they should be condemned totally. But you had many people in that group other than neo-Nazis and white nationalists. Okay? And the press has treated them absolutely unfairly.”

While reading these lines, did you experience any of the following symptoms:

  • A complete form of amnesia: you do not remember reading the lines above
  • Feelings of anger towards Trump supporters, Christians or law-abiding citizens in general
  • A profound feeling of despair, as if your entire world is crumbling down around you

TDS scoring:

If you answered a to question 1 and b to question 2: 4 points
For any of the symptoms in question 3: add 1 point.

Results:

1-3 points: inconclusive test
4 points: possible TDS
5-6 points: probable TDS
7 points: certain TDS

Advice:

If you score 4 points or higher, we recommend you to contact a health professional to talk about these (and probably many other) issues. Stay healthy and safe, and once more: do not feel ashamed about mental conditions (like media brainwashing) but talk about them openly. We are here to help.

Sharing is caring, comrades!

Comrade Minitrue, Assistant Kommissar of Dissident Mental Health Re-Programming in the Gulag Hospital

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by Minitrue on The Peoples Cube is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Google Rep Issues Heartfelt Apology For Anti-Conservative Bias While Wearing ‘Kill All Republicans’ T-Shirt

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—Google has released a video in which one of the company’s representatives apologizes for anti-conservative bias, as revealed in a recent video obtained by Breitbart.

The representative issued a heartfelt apology toward conservative Google users while wearing a “Kill All Republicans” T-shirt throughout the video.

“We are so sorry that you fascist, conservative ingrates had to see that,” he said. “We want Google to be completely free from bias, even against Republicans who need to die violent deaths for disagreeing with us. That’s what inclusivity is all about.”

“It’s our mission that everyone be included, even hopelessly backward conservative people that we’d like to exterminate from the planet,” he added, before confirming that the company is in fact close to a breakthrough on technology to do just that.

At the end of the video, the representative smiles warmly and assures Google customers that the company will continue to strive for unbiased products and services, before the footage cuts to him beating a Trump supporter to death with a Chromebook.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column from The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. All rights reserved.

Democrats Reveal They Have Planted Dynamite All Around Nation And Will Blow It Up If Biden Isn’t Elected

U.S.—In an address to the nation written using letters cut out from a magazine and glued to paper, the Democrats are offering their most persuasive case yet for Biden’s election. According to the letter, Democrats have planted booby traps rigged with dynamite all throughout the country, and they are set to explode if Biden is not elected president.

“Why so serious?” said Biden’s running mate Kamala Harris. “It’s just a little joke! The real joke is Trump, and we’re just joining in all the fun! HEE HEE HEE HA HO HA HEE HO!”

“Vote for Biden, or the country you love will be blown sky-high — HAHAHA!” cackled Nancy Pelosi. “If you don’t want to see the Lincoln Memorial, shall we say, in a state of disrepair, you’d better vote for the old, senile man! Ha ha ha ha ha! HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAA… fnffff oh, do excuse me… ha ha ha ha ha! HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!” Her heavy makeup smeared down her face as she cried in laughter, making her resemble a clown.

In a statement, Biden’s teleprompter reiterated the point. “Threatening topline message: I’m not an agent of chaos,” Biden’s teleprompter said in a statement to the press. “But there are people out there who will create a lot of chaos if Trump is re-elected. Not that I want that to happen. I would hate to see something bad happen to this country. For your safety, I recommend voting for me. I’d hate for you to wake up with a horse’s head in your bed, or a bunch of killer clowns surrounding your house. Just give us what we want. It’s for your safety.”

Senator Mitt Romney also issued a video statement in support of Biden, flipping a coin and shouting about how blowing up the country would be much better than the bad orange man before he turned to reveal half his face had been burned off in a recent peaceful protest. “You either die a Republican or you live long enough to see yourself become basically a Democrat.”

Rep. Jerry Nadler revealed he has planted TNT all throughout the Capitol Building, as he wielded an umbrella and munched on some raw fish.

“A vote for Joe Biden is a vote to not die in an elaborately designed Rube Goldberg-style booby trap rigged with confetti and explosives,” said Biden Director of Strategic Communications Kamau Mandela Marshall. “He’s just trying to protect you. Let’s not blow this out of proportion.”

“Madness is like gravity. All it takes is a little push!” Marshall then said as he attempted to push over a statue of Columbus, though it proved to be too heavy.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Aftermath Of Riots: Dozens Of Fires Started, Hundreds Of Buildings Burned Down, Thousands Of Trump Voters Created

KENOSHA, WI—The aftermath of the riots are grim: dozens of fires were started, hundreds of buildings were burned down, and thousands of Trump voters were created over the past several days alone.

From out-of-control riots in Seattle and Wisconson to violence on the streets in Portland (or, as they call it, Wednesday), tons of property is being damaged, many are being harmed or killed, and, worst of all, new Trump voters are being created every minute.

“This isn’t looking good,” said one CNN analyst. “I mean, the buildings burning down and all the fires and property damage and violence are happening, and that’s fine, but all the Trump voters this is creating — that’s a real tragedy. We must do something to counteract the devastation this will cause in November.”

A study found that every burned-down building causes millions of dollars in property damage and creates up to 50 new Trump voters. A burned-out cop car can create up to 12 Trump supporters, while screaming at people in front of restaurants for not doing your salute can create over 100 Trump voters.

“May God have mercy on us all,” whispered the analyst.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

The Kube launches HoaxGen — An Online Media Hoax Generator

Komrades,

Are you a journalist working for the mainstream media? Is your boss asking you to come up with another fake story about Trump? Inventing hoaxes can be hard work, we know! But now your troubles are gone thanks to the revolutionary new,

HoaxGen™

That’s right! Thanks to ThePeoplesCube.com, you can automatically make up your next TrumpHoax without going through the effort of creative thought! You just run the program and you will get a randomised hoax, for example:

Donald Trump <said something bad about> <penguins> while <on a trip to Thailand>. There are <823> anonymous witnesses.

Thanks to advanced cross-referenced data-science technology, you can create an endless stream of TrumpHoaxes without the slightest effort! Here’s another one:

Donald Trump <did something bad to> <farmers in Wyoming> while <walking on the moon>. There are <56> anonymous witnesses.
The possibilities are endless! Instead of inventing stuff nobody believes anyway, you’ll be able to spend more time protesting in the streets and burning down America!

Don’t wait! Buy your copy now. You can even get a HoaxGen website banner, so you won’t have to copy paste the content in a ‘news’ article.

Comrade Minitrue

Interim Kommissar of Informatiks-driven Psychologikal Warfare

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by Minitrue posted on The Peoples Cube is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Biden Finally Takes A Question From The Press, Calling On New Reporter Mr. Hamala Karris

PHILADELPHIA, PA—At a campaign stop in Pennsylvania, Joe Biden finally took a question from the press, calling on a new reporter, Hamala Karris of CNN.

The Biden campaign has been careful to make sure their candidates don’t take any questions from the press, but Biden finally agreed to answer a question from recent CNN hire Hamala Karris.

“Yes, Mr., uh, Karris, is it? The man in the back with the fine-looking, lush head of hair. Go ahead,” Biden said.

“Yes, uh, Mr. Biden,” Karris, a reporter fresh out of journalism school and working for CNN, said in a gruff, manly voice. “Mr. Biden, many of us are wondering, why are you so amazing — and, wait, let me finish — why are you so amazing, and why is Trump so bad?”

Unfortunately, Biden fumbled the answer, managing to use 17 racial slurs, make 37 misogynist comments, and also make absolutely no sense during his 60-second response.

At publishing time, Harris had finally agreed to answer a question from another recent CNN hire, Boe Jiden.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. All rights reserved.

Biden Campaign Installs Teleprompter On His Aviators

WILMINGTON, DE—After several bungled teleprompter incidents over the past few hours, the Biden campaign is reportedly attempting to ensure the presidential candidate can always read the script provided to him and will never be without it by installing a state-of-the-art teleprompter screen on his aviator glasses.

“Now, we’ll be able to feed Joe his script wherever he goes,” said one aide as she typed up both Biden’s off-the-cuff responses and the reporter’s hard-hitting questions for his next interview. “Sometimes, he turns around and forgets to face the camera or just stares up at the birds, and we have to hold up a wig or snap our fingers to get his attention, like, ‘Here Joe! Over here, boy! Who’s a good boy!’, stuff like that. Now, we can be sure that whether he’s tracking a butterfly or wistfully staring at a nice head of hair in the crowd, he’ll be able to remember his lines.”

Unfortunately, Biden started shouting at his glasses during the first attempt to use the mobile teleprompter, yelling, “THE WORDS ARE INSIDE MY HEAD, GET THEM OUT, GET THEM OUT!” and smashing his glasses under his heel.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column from The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Democrats Propose Mail-In Debates

U.S.—Democrats have agreed to allow Biden to debate Trump, but they are proposing an exciting, new mail-in format where both candidates will mail their responses back and forth to each other.

“Mail-in debating is safe and secure, and it will give our candidate ample time to formulate a response, with some assistance, over several days,” said Nancy Pelosi. “It’s only fair.”

The mail-in debate would take place over several months. Candidates would hand-write letters back and forth and then eagerly await a response by their mailbox.

Biden fired off an early missive in the debate, though Trump had not yet agreed to the terms:

DEAR RONALD TROOMP,

HEY, MAN, PLEASE HELP, THEY GOT ME LOCKED IN HERE. STOP. I JUST WANT TO SEE MY GRANDKIDS AGAIN. STOP. HOPE TO HERE FROM YOU SOON. STOP.

WILL YOU AGREE TO HELP ME, CIRCLE ONE.

YES              NO

COME ON MAN,
JIM BIDEN

Republicans have expressed concern over mail-in debate fraud, but Democrats assured everyone that the letters will be written by Biden himself and that there will be no tampering whatsoever. “It will be as secure and reliable as mail-in voting.”

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire from The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Democrats Demand Travel Ban On Slovenia To Prevent More Supermodel First Ladies From Invading America

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Democrats, outraged by the beauty and poise of Melania Trump, are demanding an immediate travel ban to prevent further supermodel First Ladies from entering the country in the future. The recommended travel ban would include Melania Trump’s home country of Slovenia, as well as several other Eastern European countries known for beautiful women interested in migrating to America.

“This is nothing short of an invasion!” said Becky McTweebly, a professional activist and cat mom. “These women are coming into this country stealing our modeling jobs and our First Lady jobs! They are marrying our billionaires and stealing hearts with their charming accents! This must stop!”

Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer is expected to draft legislation entitled The Preventing Hostile Foreign Invaders Act, which would ban all immigration of attractive women from Eastern Europe. Bill Clinton is the only Democrat who has come out in opposition to this legislation. He gave no reason for this opposition, although experts say it’s probably just because he’s really gross.

A petition demanding an immediate travel ban has gathered 8 signatures thus far, 5 of which have the same name as Becky McTweebly.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. All rights reserved.