Migrant loses penis after kicking dog in Spain — CNN’s Jake Tapper, Porn Star Stormy Daniels and PETA respond

Fellow Democratic Socialists, Marxists, Bernie Sander acolytes and fellow travelers, we noted that Voice of Europe (VOE) recently reported that a migrant had his penis bitten off by a dog. The VOE article “Migrant nearly loses penis after kicking dog in Spain” reports:

It happened in the early hours of 12 September. The cries of pain of a Senegalese citizen were heard throughout the neighbourhood of Santa Teresa Street in the town of Reus, shortly after midnight.

Local police arrived and found the man writhing in pain gesturing to his crotch. A local resident explained to the police how the African became wounded shortly before they arrived.

The witness said that the man kicked the dog of a local resident and the dog then retaliated. The dog clamped his teeth on the attacker’s penis and then his hand as the man tried to push the animal away.

Comrades penises are way up in the news, no pun intended. CNN’s Jake Tapper did an entire segment on the penis of Donald J. Trump. Watch:

According to an unnamed CNN source,

 

Jake Tapper is investigating if the dog that bit off the penis of a migrant was once owned by a member of the Trump family. It is clear that the racist Trump hates immigrants.

This may be a new secret Trump administration effort to castrate DACA, no pun intended. Without penises undocumented migrants (a.k.a. illegal aliens) coming to America can’t claim to have children. Without children there’s no DACA!

Conspiricy theory? Not when we at CNN publish it!

Noted author and porn star Stormy Daniels was asked to respond to this incident in Spain of a Senegalese citizen losing his penis. Ms. Daniels spokes person, a gender neutral term,  who was on set doing her new Netflix Original movie “Donald’s Dick and Me”, in a brief statement noted:

It is not the policy of Ms. Daniels to comment on penises unless it is the penis of Donald J. Trump.

The animal rights group PETA found itself between a migrant’s penis and a dog, the proverbial rock and a hard place (no pun intended). PETA in conjunction with its Adopt an “undocumented” mutt today! campaign wants to sponsor the penis less man to come to the United States and help promote bringing illegal alien dogs across the border.

Ad courtesy of PETA.

A PETA spokes person (a gender neutral term) noted, “A dog’s life is hard enough, no pun intended.”

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by Russian Bot originally appeared in Dick Shaming magazine. The feature photo is by James Barker on Unsplash.

Nike signs ‘Hanoi’ Jane Fonda for new marketing campaign

We have recently heard through secret subversive channels on the interwebs that Nike has just signed Jane Fonda to its new marketing campaign set to launch next week.

The company has also announced that it will be launching a line of gender-neutral leotards bearing her name.

Nike has been praised for its promotion of positive female role models, such as Fonda, but criticized for assuming her gender and for insinuating that men would prefer gender-neutral leotards over prima ballerina leotards.

The Nike Commercial MAGA Deserves:

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by Fourier’s Anti-Manatee originally appeared on The Peoples Cube. The featured image was posted by Imperatorskiy Pingvin and is from teh interwebz.

The Top Nike Memes — #JustDon’tDoIt

After Nike Corporation decided to side with those who don’t side with Nike customers who voted for President Donald J. Trump a number of memes have mysteriously appeared on social media sites. We have selected some of those that you may wish to ponder upon, as you put on your Nike shoes and go to the next NFL game or Antifa demonstration.

This has lead to a new anti-capitalist movement by our Socialist comrades in the former Democratic Party. This new #JustDon’tDoIt movement has joined with #MeToo, #BlackLiveMatter and #TakeAKnee.

#JustDon’tDoIt is part of the #JustImpeach campaign started by our comrade and favorite California socialist Maxine Waters. Watch comrade Maxine:

Memes rock!

And finally comrades our very favorite.

EDITORS NOTE: This column by Russian Bot did not appear on any Nike advertisement in the New York Times.

PROGULOGIES – The Hot New Party Game!

PROGULOGIES™ (prog-yoo-lo-jeez) is the great new interactive Party game any Progressive can play and enjoy!

PROGULOGIES™ is a game for three or more people. You can play it anywhere with your fellow progs—at Starbucks, Democrat fundraisers and rallies, Senate confirmation hearings for conservative SCOTUS justices—anywhere progs gather! You can even play it online from the comfort of your parents’ basement, as we shall demonstrate here.

You don’t need dice or a board. All you need are good Progressive values, the ability to virtue-signal, and of course, deep visceral hatred of Donald J. Trump and all he stands for. But I repeat myself.

One player is chosen to be The Deceased. The others will take turns eulogizing (or progulogizing) The Deceased.

The object of the game is to progulogize The Deceased by trashing Trump—but without mentioning Trump’s name—because seriously, who wants to make a celebration of one’s life, or any occasion, for that matter, all about Trump?

Nothing poops a party like the mention of his name.

For demo purposes here, I, Pinkie, will play the part of The Deceased. Anyone who comments below will progulogize me by bashing Trump, without mentioning his name but leaving no doubt in anyone’s mind that he’s the one being bashed.

Any player who mentions his name and says anything even remotely positive about him (e.g., by stupidly confusing good things about The Deceased with him) is automatically The Loser. The Loser is not only eliminated from the game, but from The Party, all good society, and life in general. The Loser will be denounced and subject to show trial in a separate game we’ve already been playing for years. Losers on this thread will be whacked with my shovel and expected to apologize and make the appropriate reparations.

Once everyone has had a chance to progulogize The Deceased, why, you just pick someone new and start all over. We can have fun for HOURS! I mean, we’re progs—it’s not as if we have jobs to go to or anything.

Suggestions for improving the game-playing experience are welcome. The important thing is to Get Trump!

Commissarka Pinkie is a longtime contributor to The People’s Cube, and is dedicated to raising awareness of how much she cares. When she isn’t busy making an issue out of everything, she enjoys jumping on bandwagons, spending other people’s money, and searching tirelessly for something to offend her. 

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by Commissarka Pinkie originally appeared in The Peoples Cube.

Progressive disharmony: Meghan McCain vs. Andrew Cuomo

Washington, D.C. (9-1-2018) While speaking at her father’s funeral, Meghan McCain took a moment of personal privilege to launch an unprecedented verbal assault on New York Governor Andrew Cuomo.

“The America of John McCain has no need to be made great again, because America was always great.” she sobbed. Then, referencing Cuomo’s recent lambasting of President Trump’s infamous slogan, “Make America Great Again”, she blubbered, “How dare you claim that, ‘…it was never that great’,.. you bellicose SOB… you have some nerve… Are you listening, Cuomo…creep!”

Governor Cuomo, stunned and seemingly in shock, was carried away by an angry mob and tossed down the steps of the Washington National Cathedral.

RELATED POLITICAL SATIRE ARTICLES:

Maksim Magazine’s Meghan McCain Cover

I Denounce “Comrade” Andrew Cuomo

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by Captain Craptek originally appeared on The Peoples Cube.

LGBTQ Safe Sex Guide provides ‘alternative words for readers to use for their genitals.’ Feminists Outraged! Hillary responds…

The LGBTQIA safe sex guide states, “[W]e’ve chosen to include alternative [gender inclusive] words for readers to use for their genitals.” This has feminists, members of the Women’s March and Pussyhat Project outraged.

Rebel Media explains what gender inclusive genital terms mean in the below video, no pun intended:

But wait comrades, the vagina is not the front hole, anatomically speaking. The front hole on a woman is the urethra. In a Babble article titled “Women Don’t Pee Out of Their Vaginas, and Other Little-Know Facts” Ceridwen Morris notes that women have three holes, the vulva, vagina and anus. Men have only two holes the penis and anus. Women are one hole up, no pun intended.

The Pussyhat Project website states, “The Pussyhat™ is a symbol of support and solidarity for women’s rights and political resistance. Make a hat! Give a hat! Wear your hat! Share a hat!”

Photo by Pussyhat Project

So will the Pussyhat now be called the FrontHole Hat to be gender inclusive?

An unnamed CNN source reported that a spokesperson, a gender neutral term, for Pussyhat Project responded:

We have branded our movement with the pink Pussyhat™ and we will not change it in order to be politically correct. The Women’s March has been focused on a woman’s pussy (a.k.a. vagina) from day one. We will not change our symbol of political resistance.

Long live the Pussyhat™!

The Hillary Clinton for President 2020 campaign released the following:

Mrs. Clinton stands with the LGBTQ community as well as the Women’s March. We must use our Pussyhats, front holes and other genitalia to make a difference and put a white woman in the White House.

Not to do so is racist, homophobic and against our campaign promise of free Pussyhats for everyone, regardless of your gender pronoun.

CNN, ABC, MSNBC, WaPo, the New York Times and Access Hollywood will now use the gender neutral term “fronthole” in their newscasts. In order to be more “inclusive” the New York Times has edited the transcript of Donald Trump’s cameo appearance on “Days of Our Lives” off air comment to “grab them by the fronthole.”

An unnamed CNN source reports, “Bill Clinton is offering those who bundle more than $100,000 for the Hillary for President in 2020 campaign a personally autographed by Bill and Monica ‘FrontHole’ cigar humidor.”

RELATED SATIRE: Progressive Beauty Tips Include ‘Non-Gender Beards’

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by Russian Bot originally appeared in Fake Science Magazine.

Not to be outdone by CBS’s new show “God Friended Me” ABC launches “Satan Friended Me”!

CBS is launching a new comedy show titled God Friended Me. The show features a millennial who gets a friend request from God. God Friended Me is described as: “An outspoken atheist’s life takes a surprising turn when he accepts a social media friend request from God.”

Digg.com reports,

Jokes at the expense of millennials? Check. A hacker who calls himself a “video game enthusiast?” Check. A six-minute long trailer you’ll struggle to watch through to the end? Check. CBS has a winner on their hands.

Channing Dungey. Photo: ABC/CRAIG SJODIN.

Not to be outdone ABC has decided to launch its own new comedy show titled Satan Friended Me. Channing Nicole Dungey, the first black American president of ABC Entertainment Group, in a press release stated:

It is important to tell the other side of the story. Our friends at CBS believe they have a winner with God Friended Me. Not so fast. Where does Satan come in? The answer is she doesn’t.

We will be telling the story of God from the perspective of Satan and her followers. Satan, a.k.a. Lucifer (not to be confused the Netflix Original series), will be witty, sexy,

Anonymous sources tell CNN that those being considered for, “the lead role of Satan will be played either by a former president of the United States, a woman who has run for president multiple times, a former Hollywood producer or an aging Hollywood actor.”

CNN posted this November 4th, 2016 interview by Real Time’s Bill Maher, an atheist, with then President Barack Obama as a teaser:

ABC will launch its new series Satan Friended Me either on all hallows eve or on the birthday of an unnamed former president of the United States. Bill Clinton and Barack Obama did not return our phone calls asking if they were offered roles in Satan Friended Me.

The Democratic National Campaign Committee issued the following statement:

We believe in diversity, multiculturalism, intersectionality and those who hold no beliefs. We applaud CBS for taking a bold step forward to recognize our marginalized atheist community. We stand for freedom from religion. Infidels (sic Christians and Jews) like capitalists have no role in our socialist democrat society.

Satan rocks!

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by Russian Bot first appeared in Pravda Magazine.

WWII video-game to replace toxic male characters with females

STOCKHOLM – Responding to overwhelming backlash from video gamers, who complained about the encroaching forced diversity and political correctness in the WWII shooter Battlefield franchise, the game creators have fired back at their core followers by threatening to remove all playable male characters who are driven by toxic masculinity, and replace them by female soldiers with the emphasis on caring and nurturing.

In an interview about the upcoming release of Battlefield V, created by the Swedish EA Digital Illusions (DICE), the company executive Oskar Gabrielson described masculinity as a “toxic and destructive force,” and complained that the modern gamer is woefully ignorant of the role women played in wars throughout history.

According to Gabrielson, “Nearly one quarter of the paratroopers on D-Day were self-identified females, and almost as many were transgendered. If a bunch of neck-bearded misogynists can’t get over the inclusion of these diverse characters on the battlefield, then we will just have to dispose of all male characters altogether and rid our fan base of toxic gamers.”

The series has faced a constant wave of disapproval ever since the new preview prominently showcased female soldiers in the Second World War, with critics accusing the company of pushing a political agenda through video-games. EA DICE executives have responded to criticism by telling their consumers, “If you don’t like it then don’t buy it.”

Gabrielson mentioned plans to put more focus on the game characters’ fashion accessories and body jewelry, as well as to include rainbow-colored tanks on both sides. “History is changing and our fans must change with it,” he said, adding that “If we are to free ourselves from the chains of a male-dominated market for video games, then we must force the player to embrace diversity or leave that market.”

RELATED ARTICLE: Microaggressions Against Atheists Measured

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by Chedoh originally appeared on The Peoples Cube.

New Russian campaign to trick Democrats in 2018 elections

The National Intelligence Agency has found evidence that the Russians have begun a massive campaign of subversive billboard advertising to undermine the Democratic Party in the 2018 elections.

Billboards across the country funded by covert untraceable contributors are advertising that the GOP (Republican Party) is the political party of communism.

“This is very confusing to our voters, many of whom will now vote for the GOP rather than for us,” said one concerned Democratic Party officer. “We are certain that as a consequence of this Russian influence operation, our base will switch parties and vote Republican in the mistaken belief that the GOP supports Soviet-style totalitarian socialism.”

“As a result of this election fraud, many of our supporters who usually vote for the destruction of America, will instead be tricked into voting for a strong America. We cannot allow this to happen,” a Democratic intelligence source told CNN.

“I’ve always supported communism,” said ex-CIA chief John Brennan. “And this conflation of our sacred symbols with the Republican Party feels like a blasphemy to me and my comrades in the intelligence community. This is not who we are!”

The Democratic Party has called for a formal investigation into these new dirty tricks aimed to undermine our democracy.

RELATED MEMES:

Meme posted by Papa Kalashnikook.

Meme posted by Red Square:

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Hillary not involved in fixing Russian Elections for Putin

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‘Democrats are Patriots’ and other scrapped campaign slogans

Democrats complain about Hillary’s Campaign Funding

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by Margaret originally appeared on The Peoples Cube. 

Brown creates California Office for Concealed Straw Carry … Memes retaliate

Then U.S. Democratic presidential candidate Illinois Senator Barack Obama uses a straw at the Ellis Pop Soda Shoppe in Abingdon, Virginia, on September 9, 2008. AFP PHOTO/SAUL LOEB.

James Woods (@RealJamesWoods) tweeted:

Gov. Brown will be setting up a California Office for Concealed Straw Carry. I urge California straw afficianadoes to be prudent in the use of this sacred right. To have your own personal plastic straw is a genuine privilege. We owe a lot to Jerry Brown for this opportunity.

The National Straw Association has launched the “Come and Take Them” campaign.

Straw panic has become the latest Democrat Socialist cause de jure, eclipsing Trump Derangement Syndrome (TDS) with Straw Derangement Syndrome (SDS).

According to 2nd Vote:

According to several media reports, the below companies already graded by 2ndVote have taken stands against straws. Some of them did so in other countries; some are doing it domestically. All of them are overreacting, potentially making life more difficult for some disabled people and jumping on a bandwagon which was created by a nine-year old who made up a number after calling a few straw companies.

We’re serious. Major corporate policies are based upon a nine-year old’s phone calls. Cities such as San Francisco and Seattle have likewise implemented ban policies.

Starbucks
McDonald’s
Hyatt
American Airlines
Alaska Airlines
Diageo
Hilton
Disney
Carnival Cruises
Marriott International

This spreading straw hysteria (a.k.a. straw derangement syndrome) has lead to a social media explosion of straw themed memes. Here are some:

RELATED VIDEO: Plastic Straw Myths

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by Russian Bot first appeared in July 2018 edition of Moscow’s The Last Strawvinski magazine.

LOL VIDEO OF THE DAY: CRTV’s Fake Interview with Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez

CRTV’s Allie Beth Stuckey posted this fake interview of fellow millennial and socialist “it girl” Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and it’s legit one of the funnier things you’ll see.

FEEDBACK ON THIS FAKE INTERVIEW:

Allie Beth Stuckey @conservmillen: “Enlightening & hard-hitting interview with Socialist “it girl” and fellow millennial, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.” — And it’s not just us.

The Reagan Battalion @ReaganBattalion: “HAHA! Wish this interview happened, @conservmillen Rocks!”

Curt Schilling @gehrig38: “Ok that was funny 🙂 And the funnier part? I could totally believe that conversation occurring in real life.”

Kassy Dillon @KassyDillon: “Allie is hilarious.”

Dan Bongino @dbongino: “This is hysterical. 👇🏻” — Eddie Zipperer @EddieZipperer: “😂 😂 😂 😂 This is HILARIOUS👇” — WELL DONE!

Mueller investigating ‘Stupid is as Stupid Does’ Clothing Line Launched before 2018 Midterm Elections — Putin, Hillary, Trump respond

A new line of clothing called the “Stupid is as Stupid Does” (SIASD) collection is showing up on the web. People are buying them up much to the chagrin of the Democratic National Campaign Committee (DNCC).

David A. Love

CNN, the DNCC’s official media outlet, in an op-ed titled “Russian bots are using #WalkAway to try to wound Dems in midterms” by David A. Love reported:

The most recent example of this strategy [of Russian interference] is the #WalkAway hashtag, which is presented as a grassroots effort by former Democrats who are critical of the party’s alleged intimidation, confrontation and lack of civility and want people to walk away from the party.

However, #WalkAway has also now been connected to Kremlin-linked Russian bots, and it is now the seventh most popular Russia-influenced hashtag as of this writing, according to the website Hamilton 68, which tracks Russian influence on Twitter as part of the Alliance for Securing Democracy, an initiative of the nonpartisan German Marshall Fund. The purpose of this now-astroturf campaign is to manipulate public opinion by creating the illusion that this is a popular movement. In reality, #WalkAway has become pure propaganda, a psychological operation.

An FBI anonymous source, who leaked it to MSNBC who leaked it to Robert Mueller, reports, “The Stupid is as Stupid Does clothing line was inspired by the controversial alt-right film Forrest Gump who as a child, a gender neutral term, said the following…’stupid is as stupid does!'”

Based on the CNN article by David A. Love, special prosecutor Robert Mueller, according to an unnamed FBI source, will be investigating the manufacturers of the SIASD clothing line. Mueller has already issued a subpoena for Forrest Gump.

The Hillary in 2020 campaign released the following statement:

We know that Russia stole the election from Mrs. Clinton in 2016. Now we see the Russians at it again in 2018. This clothing line has Putin’s prints, no pun intended, all over it. We would not be surprised if this clothing line was secretly designed by Ivanka Trump.

Vladimir Putin, the President of Russia, according to an unnamed White House source, gave President Trump, during their closed door meeting in Helsinki, a Stupid is as Stupid Does t-shirt in addition to a soccer ball.

When CNN reporter Jim Acosta accosted, no pun intended, Putin about this gift the Russian president responded, “The Russian government had nothing to do with producing the SIASD t-shirts. As you can clearly see by the label they are made in China.”

President Trump tweeted, “#WalkAway!”

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column written by RUSSIAN BOT first appeared in PravdaUSA, a.k.a. the New York Times.

VIDEO: Dating Someone Who’s Anti-Gun

Former U.S. Army Ranger and combat veteran Mat Best is known for some of the best political satire on YouTube.

With the heated debate on the merits of the Second Amendment perhaps the only real threat is bad logic. Watch and learn [warning harsh language]:

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by Matt Best 11X originally appeared on YouTube. Please support these organizations:

LEAKED: Democrat Presidential Candidate List for 2020

By

 

 

Comrades, there is excitement in the air. As we drive out members of the Trump administration and their supporters from restaurants, book stores and shopping malls one can get a whiff of the sweet smell of anarchy.

We have elected a Democratic Socialist to Congress, we must now take time to pick our presidential candidate for 2020.

It is time to put on your pink pussy hats, or burkas, and follow the collective down a new path to confiscate pieces of everything and take prosperity from all of the working class. Freedom and free stuff for everyone! Social justice and equality in the name of the state, forever! What’s in your wallet will be ours, comrades, if we elect the right person, a Facebook approved gender neutral term.

We don’t want to repeat what happened in November 2016. Remember that night of horrors?

Here’s a brief reminder:

There is a growing list of candidates willing and able to fundamentally transform America back to what it was under our exalted leader Barack Hussein Obama. Government must be returned to Washington, D.C. and the Democratic [Socialists] Party of America. There is no room left in our party for those who don’t embrace our core values of violence, hate and bigotry. The basis of our new Democratic [Socialists] Party of America platform is in one word “control.”

The unwashed masses want someone to control them and we stand shoulder to shoulder to do just that.

It is fortuitous that an unnamed fired FBI source has leaked the Democratic [Socialists] Party of America’s short list of presidential candidates to CNN,  MSNBC, CBS, ABC, PBS, the Supreme Leader of Iran Ali Khamenei and President Vladimir Putin.

According to the unnamed fired FBI source, “Once we put a Democratic [Socialist] Party of America we will have more flexibility with Vladimir and the KGB.”

Here is the leaked short list:

  1. Hillary Diane Rodham Clinton [a.k.a. two time loser]
  2. Antifa as a collectivist unit.
  3. David Hogg [once he reaches the age of 35]
  4. Pocahontas [a.k.a. Elizabeth Warren]
  5. Stormy Daniels [a.k.a. Stephanie Gregory Clifford]
  6. Creepy Uncle Joe Biden
  7. A transgender, union working, intersectional candidate mystery candidate [Oprah, Rachel Maddow, Robert DeNiro or Anderson Cooper?].

It is time for us, comrades, to take “control” and name our own Marxist candidate to run for President of the United States. Please take the time to add your presidential hopeful in the comments section. If your nominee found sufficiently Communiste, your recommendation will be added to the list.

Remember comrades, we are rapidly progressing from “RESIST” to “CONTROL” in 2020!

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by Russian Bot originally appeared in Pravda USA [a.k.a. CNN]. 

VIDEO: Why we need to resist the obsolete Electrical College

Comrades, surely the time has come for us to realize that we live in a modern age far removed from the times of the Founding Fathers.

The Electrical College simply must go, and here are three compelling reasons why…

And while we’re at it, let’s also abolish ICE, profit, borders, prisons, and cash bail. 

Help is on the way, comrades! Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, a dues-paying member of this organization, has just won a Democrat primary in New York, which in that city means a guaranteed seat in the U.S. Congress.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by Komissar al-Blogunov originally appeared in The Peoples Cube.