Amazon Banned From Amazon Servers For Selling Trump’s Art Of The Deal

SEATTLE, WA—In a devastating move to the multi-billion dollar company Amazon, the entire Amazon website has been kicked off Amazon Web Services. This happened after it was found that Amazon.com was selling President Donald Trump’s book The Art of the Deal, a book that financially contributes to the menace Donald Trump while also causing people to think like the deranged maniac.

“Our policies are very clear,” said Steve, an admin for AWS who made the decisions. “They’re on a webpage somewhere, and they say something like, ‘Don’t do bad stuff.’ So we had no choice but to kick that website off of AWS until they stop being bad.”

Amazon founder Jeff Bezos denounced the decision. “Huh?” he said, quickly adding, “Wait… what just happened?”

The ban is likely to have a huge, deleterious effect to Amazon.com, as it’s unlikely to find servers big enough to host the world’s biggest commerce site anytime soon. As for the impetus of the ban, President Trump is said to be isolated and alone in the Oval Office, his almost complete internet ban meaning he has no electronics to play with except the nuclear launch button.

Critics are saying this is censorship, while opponents of the move are just saying Amazon should build their own web servers.

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

‘Let’s All Remain Peaceful,’ Says Trump In Clear Incitement To Violence

WASHINGTON, D.C.—A review of Trump’s statements last week made it clear that he was inciting violence, as he very clearly told people to “remain peaceful” and not carry out any violence.

The dangerous cult leader encouraged his followers to protest at the Capitol, but to remain peaceful, which is an obvious instance of inciting violence, according to leading language experts and journalists.

“Let’s all remain peaceful,” he said, which clearly meant, “Go burn down the Capitol Building.”

“No violence!” added the deranged lunatic, which, according to the New York Times, was a dog whistle for “Minions, attack!”

“Go home,” he added, which meant, “Keep pressing the attack! We will not be defeated! Blow stuff up!”

At publishing time, Trump had said, “I’ve always encouraged peaceful protesting,” which meant he wanted his followers to go ransack an Arby’s.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Congress Upset As They’re The Only Criminals Allowed In The Capitol

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Congress people from both parties condemned the attack on the Capitol that occurred Wednesday, pointing out that they’re the only criminals allowed in the building.

Capitol police removed the unauthorized criminals from the Capitol Building, allowing the officially voted-in criminals to resume operations.

“We would like to remind Americans that we are the only looters allowed in here,” said Nancy Pelosi after order was restored to the House. “Remember, you must show your official congressperson identification to prove you’re an approved looter to get in here. Unauthorized looters will be removed from Capitol grounds.”

“Now, who wants to start some foreign wars?”

After the violent criminals and looters had left the building, Congress resumed voting on acts to inflate our currency, steal more money from Americans, and continue aggression against foreign countries for no reason.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

‘Everyone Stop Getting Angry Over This Illegally Stolen Election That Will End This Country,’ Says Trump Trying To Calm Things Down

WASHINGTON D.C.—As protesters against the Electoral College vote certification stormed the Capitol, President Donald Trump made a video message and posted it on social media to try to calm everyone down.

“Everyone stop getting angry over this illegally stolen election that will end this country,” Trump said in the video. “I know that the Democrats have stolen my landslide victory and plan to use that to end all freedom, but everyone needs to just calm down, go home, and await the gulags that will inevitably follow.”

While telling the destructive protesters to calm down about “the worst tragedy in American history,” Trump repeatedly called the protesters his “most precious and lovely people” and reiterated that he didn’t want anyone to be harmed over “stopping the complete and utter destruction of our country.”

Trump’s message of peace was banned from all social media for being “fighting words.” It’s unknown how Trump feels about all this, as apparently he doesn’t know how to release a public statement without Twitter.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved

CCP Flag Flies Over Capitol Marking Democrat Control Of Presidency, House, And Senate

WASHINGTON D.C.—“Freedom is over!” Biden announced to the press as the red flag of the Chinese Communist Party flew over the Capitol, marking that the Democrats now have control of the presidency, Senate, and House.

“The Bill of Rights is gone,” Biden continued. “Free markets will end. Now that we have a slim majority in the House and Senate, liberty shall be destroyed! …As long as we can get Joe Manchin to agree.”

Democratic Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez has submitted a number of designs for new gulags she drew in crayon, which will be for people who don’t announce their pronouns, and the designs are expected to pass the new Congress easily.

Some Democrats are concerned that the Supreme Court could stop their plans since the conservatives there interpret the Constitution as not allowing the government to destroy all freedom, but there are plans to pack the court with five hundred members of Antifa.

President Donald Trump assures everyone, though, that he actually won the presidency and Republicans did win the House and Senate and he’ll get that all cleared up in the next week or so.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Biden Promises Nationwide Mask Mandate And Womandate

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In light of recent events, Biden has updated his COVID plan to include not just a mask mandate, but a mask womandate as well. In a prepared statement given to his nurse and posted on Twitter, the completely legitimate and unquestioned president-elect apologized for the sexist language in his plan.

“Listen folks– we all make mistakes. I realized this morning that my COVID plan includes a mask mandate, but not a womandate. I have amended and also awomended my plan to include a mask womandate,” Biden read off his teleprompter. “We will also be adding a mask non-binarydate, a mask genderqueerdate, a mask two-spiritdate, a mask polygenderdate, and a mask non-binarytrans-speciesdate. More ‘dates’ will be arriving as we continue to do our research to make sure no one is left out.”

According to sources, the Biden transition team has grown alarmed at the number of times the word “men” appears in the English language. They have been working around the clock to replace all usages of the word “men” in their plan with the word “women.” Unfortunately, it was determined that the word “women” is also problematic, they then replaced the word “women” with “people who menstruate.”

“We have a long way to go,” said Biden, “but I know that in time we will mend our nation’s wounds– er, I mean, peoplewhomenstruated them.”

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Biden Releases Controversial New Memoir ‘If I Rigged It’

WILMINGTON, DE—To commemorate the “completely fair and honest” 2020 election, Joe Biden has announced a brand new memoir called If I Rigged It. The book is already being met with critical acclaim for its compelling description of a totally hypothetical situation where Biden and the Democrats fraudulently steal the election.

“Listen here, Jack– I didn’t steal the election,” said Biden to a group of adoring fans in the press. “But if I had stolen the election, this is how I would have done it. It’s real simple, see? My new book will give you all the dirty details!”

“This book is a masterpiece,” said The New York Times. “Biden, who totally wrote this all by himself, draws the reader in with a compelling narrative of a totally hypothetical story. His prose is artful and engaging. The description of an effort to steal the 2020 election is way more believable and interesting than Trump’s baseless claims. In short, Biden is a genius.”

The book has soared to the top of the New York Times bestseller list in its first week since release. Experts predict it may become the best-selling book of 2021.

Critics have called the book “a highly suspicious work that reads more like an actual confession than a memoir.” Trusted media outlets, fact-checkers, and social media have all dismissed these criticisms as “baseless.”

If I Rigged It is currently being sold in hardcover for $29.99 and will be available at Amazon.com or wherever books are sold.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Government Accidentally Shuts Itself Down With Ban On Non-Essential Businesses

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Congress has asked all non-essential businesses to limit their hours or close entirely for an undetermined amount of time.

But this shutdown mistakenly shut down the most non-essential entity of all: the government. For a brief period of time, all government in the United States was illegal, since it is completely non-essential to everything.

“Oops,” said Senator Mitch McConnell. “We meant non-essential private businesses. Of course, the government is always essential, even when it’s not doing anything or is making things worse.”

Senators, congress people, and bureaucrats frantically rewrote the ban to include only businesses that actually produced something and not government agencies that just watched other people make stuff. Though they had dragged their feet on passing bills related to relieving the financial distress of the shutdown, they passed this revision in record speed, almost as quickly as they vote for pay raises for themselves.

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi said she would have caught the mistake but had passed the ban in a hurry, saying, “We had to pass the ban to see what it did.”

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Gun Stores Overwhelmed By People Returning $600 Guns For $2000 Guns

U.S.—Many Americans, in anticipation of a $600 government-issued stimulus check, have treated themselves to a brand new gun. Now that President Trump is calling instead for $2000 checks, gun stores are struggling to keep up with customers returning their $600 guns and purchasing $2000 guns.

“I sure am glad I kept the receipt!” exclaimed local gun enthusiast Anthony Harb upgrading his firearm. “It’s time to treat myself to something truly special!”

The bill was originally intended to provide relief for those out of work and affected by the ongoing pandemic, but after the U.S. paid hundreds of millions to other countries, $2000 per American was all that was left. Since $2000 is not enough to cover 8 months of rent or other necessities, many Americans have decided that one thing they can afford is protection from the bloated and power-hungry Federal Government.

Several gun stores across the country have already issued statements that they are sold out of all guns at the $2000 price point. Buds Gun Shop & Range in Tennessee has even called for no returns on $600 guns, suggesting customers buy multiple guns instead.

“We may not know what the future holds, but at least now I won’t have to face it without my Daniel Defense M4V11,” added Mr. Harb at checkout.

At publishing time, despite no arrival of stimulus checks, President Donald J. Trump had already been named gun salesman of the year.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

CDC: People With Dirt On Clintons Have 843% Greater Risk Of Suicide

ATLANTA, GA – According to a report from the Centers for Disease Control released on Thursday, people with inside, compromising knowledge of Bill and Hillary Clinton’s financial and political dealings are 843% more likely to commit suicide.

“We’ve never seen a single risk factor cause a spike of this magnitude,” a CDC spokesperson told reporters. “Interestingly, in spite of their increased suicide risk, people with dirt on the Clintons rarely show any warning signs of suicide, and they never leave a suicide note.”

Remarking about how abnormal it is, the spokesman again stressed the significance of the data.

“Therefore, we advise any American with detrimental information about Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, or the Clinton Foundation to forget about it as quickly as possible to avoid a greatly increased probability of taking your own life,” he cautioned.

“And—I swear—that’s all we know.”

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

With Statues Gone, Pigeons Forced To Poop On Rioters

U.S.—With more and more statues across the country being pulled down, pigeons are being forced to redirect their payloads to different targets.

As soon as statues are pulled down, the pigeons turn toward the nearest available target: angry rioters.

“Yes! Down with racism–AHHHHH!!!!” screamed one rioter just after pulling down a statue of Christopher Columbus. The pigeons immediately turned on him, with a squadron of the birds divebombing him to unload hundreds of pounds worth of excrement. “Run!!!”

Rioters frantically tried to put the statues back up as they were attacked by the feral flocks. “Put Christopher back! Quick!” cried one Antifa group as they were swarmed by a whole fleet of pigeon bombers. But try as they might, their weak liberal arms could not lift the statue and they were forced to flee the scene.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Cracker Jack Changes Name To More Politically Correct Caucasian Jack

PLANO, TX—When ballparks finally open again, those standing for the traditional seventh-inning stretch will be singing some different lyrics to “Take Me Out to the Ballgame.”

After over 100 years of selling its caramel popcorn snack under the name Cracker Jack, Frito-Lay announced today that it would be rebranded as the less offensive “Caucasian Jack.”

“We are very sorry to all the crack—er, I mean, Caucasians we have hurt over the years,” said a spokesperson. “Cracker is an offensive stereotype, and we must make sure that all foods and snack products are culturally sensitive. Think about all the white people who have had to suffer in silence as tens of thousands of baseball fans sang out the hurtful lyrics ‘Buy me some peanuts and Cracker Jacks.'”

“No more. The bigotry stops today.”

The move was applauded by hurt white people, though they are still criticizing Frito-Lay for how pale and pasty-white the Cracker Jack guy is on the logo.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Man Who Has Been In Government For Nearly 50 Years Promises To Fix Government

U.S.—According to sources at the DNC, Joe Biden, a man who has been part of government since before Jaws, Star Wars, the Walkman, the NES, and the publishing of The Silmarillion, is just the man for the difficult task of fixing the government.

“This man who has been part of the broken system since 1972 is our last hope to fix the broken system,” said a DNC spokesperson. “See, since he’s been part of the problem for so long, only he knows how bad the problem is. So only he can fix it. If you got some outsider with, like, morals and stuff, they would be too horrified to even go to Washington in the first place.”

“No, we need someone who’s been part of the swamp and has participated in much injustice, oppression, and bloodshed to fix the whole thing from the ground up.”

He also has a cop helping him out, sources confirmed at publishing time.

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Pelosi Announces Every $600 Check Will Come With Free Slice Of Cake

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Nancy Pelosi has announced that every $600 stimulus check will come with a free slice of cake for Americans to eat.

She made the announcement in a speech yesterday after the stimulus bill was criticized for not doing enough for the middle class. The amendment to the $900 billion stimulus bill, coupled with the reasonable $2.3 trillion spending bill for the federal government, means that in addition to getting $600 created out of thin air, each American will get a slice of chocolate cake.

“Americans have been suffering, so we need to let them eat cake,” she said in front of Congress yesterday. “We closed down their businesses for the past nine months, so it’s the least we can do. Really. I do mean that. The least.”

Congress considered ice cream for every America, but Pelosi vetoed it as it was too expensive to give every American a $13 quart of the brand she eats. There was also talk of giving the option of vanilla cake, but that was shot down as being racist.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. All rights reserved.

Congress Finally Reaches Stimulus Agreement: Every American Will Receive A Coupon For $5 Off At Applebee’s

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a historic compromise, the Senate and U.S. House of Representatives have finally settled on a stimulus package for Americans struggling and out of work. In addition to bailouts, money for pet projects, and payouts to unions, Congress has authorized a very special $5 off coupon to Applebee’s.

“We are proud to have come together for the American people,” said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. “I am told that all those ditch diggers and plumbers in the Midwest are crazy about Applebee’s! Won’t this hit the spot after a long day of doing whatever it is you people do for a living? You’re welcome!”

Some critics of the plan have suggested that giving Americans a coupon after forcing them to shut down their businesses for 9 months feels like a slap in the face. In response, Representative AOC said: “Well, we wanted the stimulus payments to be eleventy-billion dollars for every person, but the evil Republicans didn’t allow it!”

According to AOC, there is a silver lining in spite of the disappointing legislation. “This is a great opportunity for Americans to try sex work!” she said. “Who needs a small business when you can just open an OnlyFans account?”

In a press release, Applebee’s thanked the Government for its support. “We are looking forward to serving all Americans at our fine dining establishments! Please note that the promotion expires on January 20th and we can only allow 3 patrons in our dining rooms at all times. We’ll see you soon!”

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.