The New Democrat Socialist Debt Card Set To Be Issued

Democrat Socialists have partnered with a major bank to issue a new line of “debt cards” (no pun intended). According to anonymous CNN sources there are two draft designs being considered, the Democrat Socialist Member Card (DSMC):

And the MarxistCard:

Both cards are being shown to focus groups of Democrat Socialist Party members in New York City, NY and Berkeley, CA. The debt card receiving the most votes (like Hillary) will be declared the winner (unlike Hillary).

The first card will be issued to the “girl from Brooklyn” Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez to recognize her as the first Democrat Socialist elected to the Congress of the former United States of America.

To qualify for this debt card one must become a card carrying member (no pun intended) of the Democrat Socialist Party (formerly know as the I’m With Bernie Party). The new card has no limits on spending and card holders are not responsible to pay off their debt.

Once a MarxistCard is issued the Democrat Socialist in the former United States of America may begin buying whatever their hearts desire. The accumulated debt will be paid by those who are not MarxistCard holders and the 1%.

The MarxistCard cannot be used to purchase the following items:

  1. Any fire arm.
  2. A Bible or Torah.
  3. An American flag.
  4. A Trump 2020 hat, shirt, bumper sticker or yard sign.

The MarxistCard can be used to purchase the following items:

  1. Armed guards.
  2. A Quran, Mein Kampf (English or German versions), The Communist Manifesto and Rules for Radicals.
  3. The flag of any nation but the United States
  4. A Hillary 2020 hat, shirt, bumper sticker or yard sign.

The card is accepted in most retail and wholesale outlets that support Democrat Socialist ideals, which include Amazon, Apple, Target, Dick’s Sports and any store carrying goods made in China. MarxistCard holders will receive major discounts for tickets to Hollywood films such as “Vice” and “RGB”, the Broadway play “Hamilton”, plus all documentaries by Michael Moore and Al Gore.

The MarxistCard cannot be used at Chick-fil-A.

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by originally appeared in Pravda USA (a.k.a. TNYT).

Chuck and Nancy’s Democratic Response to Trump in Pictures

Last night Sen. Chuck Schumer and Rep. Nancy Pelosi delivered a rebuttal to Trump’s address to the nation by reading teleprompter messages that had been prepared in advance and consisted of blanket condemnations and generic denouncements of anything that Trump may or may not have said in his speech. 

To compensate for the lack of specifics, the two Democratic leaders tried to appear heartbroken and mournful, which made them look like a couple of Soviet citizens who had waited all day in line to the state-run store to buy toilet paper, only to be told there was none left. 

As a result, most comrades remembered their rebuttal not by what they said but by how they looked because, as a wise person once said, and this may not be an exact quote, “it ain’t what you do, it’s the way that you do it, and the way that you stare into the camera while you’re doing it.”

Therefore, most meaningful commentary of that event came in the form of pictures. Some of these were sent to us, others we found ourselves. See below and please add the pictures we may have missed.

There have been many comparisons to the Shining, which prompted us to make this.

Thinking where we might have seen that pair before, brought up this memory.

Sad Hill emailed us this:

There have been many comparisons with American Gothic.

Rush Limbaugh on today’s show said Chuck and Nancy looked like morticians at a funeral parlor, and so he directed his visual agitation department to create this picture:

To others they seemed like a remake of many other popular duos and pop culture icons.

I hear that changing the order of the addends does not change the sum.

And, finally, our member Covfefe submitted this take:

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column with images by RED SQUARE originally appeared in The Peoples Cube. It is republished with permission.

Gov’t shuts down, psychotic nation loses touch with reality

Daniel Trotsky-Greenfield reports from New York:

The United States of America (1787-2018) came to a swift and sudden end last week as the government shut down. The nation which had survived Pearl Harbor, the War of 1812 and Jimmy Carter ceased to exist.

The savage population, which had only been kept in line through a policy of rigorous gun 
confiscations, food stamps and lectures on the environment unleashed its pent up rage in a spree of riots, looting and mass murder that had only previously been encountered in Somalia, Russia and a Walmart in downtown Atlanta.

“The government shut down! We can do anything we like,” shouted Sam Hasbley of Grassley, Iowa, while tearing the tag off a mattress despite an explicit warning label forbidding such a dangerous course of action. “Tear yours off. The government is shut down. It can’t stop you.”

Eyewitnesses spoke of further horrors. On a quiet street in suburban Massachusetts, a man brought out a set of highly illegal lawn darts. In Maryland, there were allegations that an entire family had begun digging ditches to collect rainwater runoff. In Alabama, a farmer fed his hogs homegrown lettuce that had been certified by the state, but not by the Federal Trilateral Hog Commission

With the fall of the government, citizen activists took it upon themselves to chronicle the culture of lawlessness. Men heated their homes with coal stoves. Women bought cold medicine without a photo ID. Children went hours without hearing lectures about the environment.

The victims were many.

In Chuckolod County, Colorado, a transgender person was denied access to the Ladies Room. Frantic calls to the Justice Department were forwarded to an answering service in Depar, India, instead of Doneparre City, Indiana. In Brooklyn, New York, an overweight Iraqi woman was unable to obtain a sign language interpreter while waiting on line to collect her free Obamaphone. In Olegon Falls, Florida, the National Museum of Native American Yarn was forced to shut down depriving schoolchildren of an educational experience and three hours throwing bits of yarn at each other.

And there was worse to come.

The entire city of Detroit was seized by the Michigan Militia backed by Canadian air power. The village of Frankfurt, Illinois passed several ordinances in explicit violation of Title MXVIII of the Federal Charter of Approved Fruit Naming Ordinances. North Dakota seceded and declared that it was now the nation of Bismarckia, elected a Kaiser and petitioned to join OPEC.

READ MORE HERE: Government Shuts Down, Nation Descends into Riots, Looting and Cannibalism

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by Red Square originally appeared on The Peoples Cube. It is republished with permission.

Trump to Address Nation on Border Security as Pence Says Democrats Won’t Negotiate

On the eve of President Donald Trump’s prime-time address to the nation Tuesday night about border security, Vice President Mike Pence asserted that congressional Democrats are unwilling to negotiate.

After weekend talks, senior Democratic congressional staffers agreed with Trump administration officials that a crisis exists at the southern border, but weren’t ready to negotiate a plan to address it, Pence said Monday.

“Senior Democratic staff did not dispute our facts about the border,” Pence told reporters at a briefing in the Eisenhower Executive Office Building, held in the same conference room where the weekend talks occurred.

Trump is trying to reach an agreement with congressional Democrats to gain funding for a wall along the southern border and end the partial government shutdown that began Dec. 22.

Trump announced Monday that he will deliver the address to the nation at 9 p.m. Tuesday, then visit the border Thursday.

“They informed us they would not negotiate until the government is opened,” Pence said. “The president is not going to reopen the government on the promise that negotiations will go on sometime after.”

Democrats asked the administration for revised budget estimates based on Trump’s requests for increased border security.

The biggest request from Trump in the revision is $5.7 billion for construction of a steel border wall, a $4.1 billion increase from the Senate-passed bill in December designed to keep the government running.

Pence got multiple questions about Trump’s comment Friday that he has considered declaring a national emergency to build and pay for the wall. The vice president said he hopes it doesn’t come to that, adding that he believes Democrats care about border security.

“What I’m aware of is that he is looking at it. The president is considering it,” Pence said. “There is no reason in the world that Congress shouldn’t be about rolling their sleeves up and compromising and working together on the crisis on the southern border.”

Many Democrats voted in 2006 to build fencing or another barrier along the border, but the needed money never has been appropriated.

Congress has funded most of the government. The current shutdown affects only about 25 percent of the government, including the departments of Agriculture, Commerce, Justice, Homeland Security, State, and Transportation.

Pence said he sympathizes with the 800,000 federal employees affected by the partial shutdown, but also with “tens of millions of Americans” who expect the government to provide stronger border security.

The vice president also said Trump made a “good faith offer” to Democrats on the day the shutdown began to keep the government open. Pence declined to provide specifics.

The administration is working to make the partial shutdown “as painless as possible consistent with the law,” said Russell Vought, deputy director of the Office of Management and Budget.

Vought said the National Park Service will have the money to ensure trash pickup and clean restrooms through the end of the month, and that the IRS will mail out tax refund checks on time.

The administration’s revised budget estimate for fiscal year 2019 also includes a $563 million request for 75 additional immigration judges—consistent with what the Senate passed in its bill to keep the government running.

The administration asks for $211 million in the revised request to hire 750 more Customs and Border Protection agents—an increase of $100 million over the Senate version.

Trump also wants $571 million for 2,000 Immigration and Customs Enforcement personnel, which was not included in the Senate bill, and $4.2 billion to pay for 52,000 ICE detention beds—a $798 million increase from the Senate bill.

Pence identified two areas in the revised budget request as “consensus items” where congressional Democrats agree with the administration.

One is Trump’s request for $800 million to address humanitarian needs at the border, including medical support, temporary facilities for processing, and short-term custody of vulnerable populations. The agreement includes in-country processing of asylum requests by unaccompanied minors.

The other item of agreement is spending $675 million on technology designed to allow Customs and Border Protection to “detect and deter” contraband such as drugs and guns and materials that pose nuclear and radiological threats.

Pence said the administration’s stand “isn’t about” pleasing the president’s voter base but about border security, because the president is “driven by the facts” at the border.

Many of the facts are included in a Department of Homeland Security reportthat DHS Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen initially provided to Congress before talking about Monday with reporters at the briefing.

The DHS report says the solutions are finishing the border wall, updating the law on how to treat unaccompanied children, and reversing the Clinton-era “Flores settlement” that required officials to separate some children from adults in family units.

The numbers show a 73 percent increase in fentanyl, one of the deadliest drugs, at the southern border from fiscal 2017 to fiscal 2018. That amounts to 2,400 pounds.

The agency also reports a 38 percent increase in methamphetamine at the southern border over the last fiscal year, and a 38 percent increase in heroin.

Criminal organizations gain $2.5 billion in annual profit from smuggling migrants into the U.S., the DHS report says.

In fiscal 2018, which ended Sept. 30, Customs and Border Protection agents caught 17,000 adults at the southern border who had criminal records. They captured 3,755 known or suspected terrorists entering the U.S. in fiscal 2017.

Immigration and Customs Enforcement also apprehended 6,000 members of gangs, including the violent MS-13, at the border.

The report states that the past five years saw a 2,000 percent increase in asylum claims, yet 72 percent of migrants report making the journey for economic reasons, so they wouldn’t qualify for asylum.

The report says 60,000 unaccompanied children and 161,000 family units arrived in fiscal 2018. About 50 migrants per day are referred to medical providers.

Customs and Border Protection rescues about 4,300 migrants in distress each year, according to the report, which also says that 31 percent of female migrants say they were sexually assaulted on the journey to the U.S.

Immigration courts have a backlog of nearly 800,000 cases and 98 percent of family units and unaccompanied alien children never are removed from the country, the report says.

Asked why Trump didn’t request the $5.7 billion in his budget proposal for fiscal 2019, Nielsen told reporters that “the humanitarian crisis has skyrocketed since February.”

COLUMN BY

Portrait of Fred Lucas

Fred Lucas

Fred Lucas is the White House correspondent for The Daily Signal and co-host of “The Right Side of History” podcast. Send an email to Fred. Twitter: @FredLucasWH.

RELATED INFORMATION: BorderFacts.com

The Daily Signal depends on the support of readers like you. Donate now

EDITORS NOTE: This column with images by the Daily Signal is republished with permission. Photo: Alex Wong/Getty Images

ProgPaper: The Ultimate Safe Space for GoodThink

Good news, Comrades!

I am authorised by the Ministry of Truth to announce that victory over the mind is within our grasp. 

As you know, our organisations are proceeding fast to cancel out all forms of Thoughtcrime™. They are using their influence to block notorious antisocial elements (like the Russian saboteur Oleg Atbashian) from Facebook. We are succeeding with the implementation of NewSpeak version 15b, comprising gender-neutral pronouns. The production of Fake news by CNN has gone up 76% in all relevant sectors this past year.

But now, thanks to new technology, we are nearing the final solution to the “think” problem. German engineers and Silicon Valley slaves interns have created a revolution in the printing industry. 

By adding certain pre-programmed nanobots to paper, it will be impossible to write down anything that is even remotely anti-progressive. This new technology will be called ProgPaper™. Combined with an equally important new socialist-ideas-only form of ink (called ThInkStop™, we are now able to prevent anyone on earth from writing down an idea we oppose.

The Ministry ran some tests, and the results are remarkable. Once a CrimeThink™ idea is printed, the nanobots in the paper and ink go to work to make the message GoodThink™. Take for example this sentence:

“Obama was not a good president”. Now, if you print this on ProgPaper™ with ThInkStop™ cartridges, you get:

ob.jpg


The technology is not perfect yet, but we must agree that it is a great step forward. ProgPaper™ can also used to smother non-socialist ideas at the printing press of major newspapers. For example this archived cover:

d.jpg
d2.jpg

Soon, we will no longer need Facebook/Google/Twitter to use mind control. Even the conservative fools running illegal printing presses in the basements of their crumbling communities will create socialist propaganda, whether they want it or not. Every schoolbook, every groceries list, every birthday card will be used to spread our message. And then our victory over the mind will be finally complete.

Your comrade, 
Minitrue

PS: I almost forgot to mention the best part: using ProgPaper is not monopolising! After all, you are still able to communicate by chiselling out stone tablets or by using smoke-messages. So conservatives shouldn’t whine, right? If you don’t like our ProgPaper, make your own parchment or write on animal skins. You’re free to choose. Just like with facebook/google/twitter!

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by Minitrue first appeared on The Peoples Cube on January 26, 2018. It is appropriate to GoodThink it (no pun intended).

Highway to Hell

Is GLORIOUS day, Comrades!

The People’s Republic of Kalifornia has honored His O’liness (PBUH) by naming a highway after him.

A shovel-ready project built entirely out of left lanes, like his eight-year term served, from the start point of a Nobel Prize to the unveiling of the Presidential Portrait and funded by rethugglikkan tax dollars donations from citizens, this right left-of-way has no litter, potholes, or speed bumps as the press refuses to discuss any such possibility that they exist, in the name of transparency.

“Installation of the signs on the 134 Freeway from State Route 2 in Glendale to Interstate 210 in Pasadena was completed this week, more than a year after the presidential tribute was signed into state law in September 2017.”

Red Square said:

I trust the Obama Highway is under a very intense video and audio surveillance by the FBI. Those passing on the right are immediately arrested and investigated by the Mueller team for possible collusion, obstruction of justice, tax fraud, campaign contributions, and failure to register as foreign agents of their ancestral countries. Their homes and offices are being broken into at 3am, their correspondence seized, and charges leveled that will leave them broke and homeless.

Obama didn’t build that.

On the Obama Highway, you must hit a pothole to see what’s in it. And if you like your car after that, you can keep your car.

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by Ivan the Stakhanovets originally appeared on The Peoples Cube. It is republished with permission.

Gutierrez exposes the shocking origins of Christmas

The House Committee on Intelligence released a shocking report on Thursday largely undermining claims made by the Trump administration about the origins of Christmas. According to Rep. Luis Gutierrez (D-IL), who serves on the Intelligence Committee, the original reason for this season was the granting of political asylum to Jesus by the progressive Egyptian government, and a subsequent extension of refugee status to his family in what later became known as “chain migration.”

The committee, which is still in the process of conducting a full bipartisan review, said in its initial report that the intelligence community’s assessment, or ICA, was a “sound intelligence product” whose conclusions were “reached in a professional and transparent manner, and the tradecraft was strong.”

The partially declassified report states that Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, who actively resisted the racist policies and the destruction of democracy by King Herod’s autocratic regime, had learned from an anonymous inside source about the planned Massacre of the Innocents, and sought refuge in the free country of Egypt, an inclusive nation known for welcoming Jews with open arms.

A complete absence of border walls allowed Jesus, Mary, and Joseph to walk in, call the ACLU, and receive legal assistance of a civil rights lawyer to gain political asylum, food stamps, subsidized housing, educational grants, job training, and free healthcare. The Egyptian taxpayers greeted the holy family with a “Refugees Welcome” sign and generous gifts. These events, according to the Intelligence Committee report, initiated the Christmas tradition of distributing gifts, green cards, and welfare benefits to any person who crosses the national border.

In the words of Luis Gutierrez:

It is repugnant to me and astonishing to me that during Christmas, a time in which we celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ – a Jesus Christ who had to flee for his life with Mary and Joseph. Thank God there wasn’t a wall that stopped him from seeking refuge in Egypt. Thank God that wall wasn’t there and thank God there wasn’t an administration like this or he would have, too, perished on the 28th, on the Day of Innocents when Herod ordered the murder of every child under 2 years of age. Shame on everybody that separates children and allows them to stay at the other side of the border fearing death, fearing hunger, fearing sickness. Shame on us for wearing our badge of Christianity during Christmas and allow the secretary to come here and lie.

How do we know that Rep. Luis Gutiérrez reads the People’s Cube? Because he follows our creative method of delivering the Current Truth to the unwashed. For Lenin’s sake, he may be even contributing to this Party Organ under an assumed name.

He may have even participated in the creation of our timeless classics:

Christmas in History: First Media Reports of Nativity Story

The New Progressive Bible

OTHER STORIES:

Judea Today
Another Consumer of Nature’s Resources Born in Bethlehem

An international scientific consensus has been reached, and it’s not in Mary and Joseph’s favor. Had the parents of Jesus been more proactive in raising their awareness, they may have considered such important factors as Judea’s fragile environment and air pollution that only increases with every newborn child. No matter how amusing a set of small carbon footprints around the house may seem initially, potential parents should always remember that the footprints will only become bigger as the child matures and turns into yet another indulgent consumer of nature’s limited resources.

The Daily Pharisee 
Scrutiny Tightens On Three Magoi’s Lobbying Operation

BETHLEHEM, December 28 – House Ethics Committee Chair Stephanie Tubbs Jones (D-Judea) urges congressional ethics probe into gifts of gold, frankincense, and myrrh by three Magoi – who are the focus of criminal investigations by the Justice Department.

The ethics panel said in a statement that a special subcommittee would try to determine if two Nazoreans violated the law by accepting “gifts, travel benefits, contributions to religious committees and organizations, or any other items of value” from the three Magoi and their lobbying operation.

The Nazoreans who were identified by name as the focus of the committee’s investigations – Joseph and Mary – have said they are innocent of wrongdoing.

Samara Post Intelligencer
Suspected Religious Cultists Exposed in Bethlehem

A homeless couple claiming that an “angel” had declared their infant child “the son of God,” was caught red-handed while apparently trying to engage in some ritual involving animals behind a local inn. Despite his young age, the unplanned and undocumented child whom they referred to as “Jesus” had already acquired notoriety in the religious underworld, operating under several aliases including Immanuel, Wonderful, Counselor, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, and The Prince of Peace. Authorities are investigating a possible link to the highly profitable smuggling of gold, frankincense, and myrrh.

The police arrived at the scene after a call made by a local PETA activist who complained that the couple and the mob that followed them had inconvenienced the resident animals and “displaced handfuls of hay” in order to make a bed for the infant. “What sort of people are these that would invade a peaceful manger, disturb the animals in their home, deprive them of sleep of nourishment, and do YHWH knows what else with them?”

Prosecutors are considering charging the couple as accessories to an unauthorized light show that terrorized area shepherds who happened to be tending their flocks at night. No charges are currently being considered against the infant, though authorities have made clear that he will require careful observation and possibly therapy as he grows up.

The Nazareth Post (Lifestyle Section)
Mary: A Pregnant Teen Failed By The Government

Despite the homeschooling, the abstinence-only education, and her determination to save herself for that special someone, Mary Davidian, 15, still found herself pregnant. Neither her former resolve to remain chaste, not the fact that she was known by all and sundry as “The Virgin Mary,” prevented her from becoming yet another statistic in the growing problem of unwed teen mothers throughout the Roman Empire, particularly in poorer provinces like Judea.

Mary’s been betrothed for some time to Joseph Nazareth, 18, who operates a struggling lumber fabrication business out of his own home. But Joseph – and Mary, too – both agree he’s not the father.

When asked about the father’s identity, Mary raves incoherently about angels and dreams, and someone whom she can only identify as God, a likely gang-related alias.

“We don’t know who this God is, his age, if perhaps he’s so much older than young Mary that he might be guilty of statutory rape,” said a spokesperson for Planned Parenthood of Nazareth. “Notwithstanding, the fact that Mary conceived even though she’s still a virgin is all the proof anyone needs, that teaching abstinence to our children is totally unrealistic and ineffective. Can’t the right-winged religious extremists see that even when they remain virgins, young people are still going to go out and have sex?”

Rome News and World Report
Senate Ratings At All-Time Low As Occupation of Judea Continues

ROME (Associated Papyrus) The Senate voted today to continue the funding of legions in the Middle East under the threat of a dictatorial veto if they passed a bill that would have denied the funds. The move further alienated the Senate’s base, which vented its anger with posts on The DailyStylus.

“We voted to put them in office with the promise that they’d bring the legions home before Saturnalia. Well, it’s Saturnalia and they’re not home. I’m never voting again!” wrote Alvamus Goldscroll, an unemployed lyre player from Woodaquaduct. “I’m so angry, I’m getting a mallet. Stop the illegal occupation of Judea!”

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by Red Square originally appeared on The Peoples Cube. It is republished with permission of the Minister of Propaganda.

It’s Next Tuesday already: Automatic Hate Speech Disabler

Glorious news from our labs here at the State Science Institute. This is not a project I’ve been personally involved in — I specialize in warming my globes in front of an open fireplace — but our Comrades two buildings over from me deserve credit for this important work:

Two Brains Are Better Than One: AI and Humans Work to Fight Hate

An Artificial Intelligence tool being developed by our Top Scientists in conjunction with the Anti-Capitalism Defamation League called the “Online Hate Index” will allow our Comrades at Twitter, Facebook, Google and others to prevent any “Hate Speech*” from ever appearing on Social Media, thereby keeping the thoughts of The People pure.

This important Tool is already keeping The People from hearing nary a discouraging word about Socialism.

* Defined as: “any thought, idea, criticism, naysaying or other hooliganism that casts doubt on Socialism or any of the Dear Leaders who are fighting the Great Evil of Capitalism.” Anything from “there are only two genders” to “Make America Great Again” qualifies.

Red Square notes:

The answer is best expressed through the following musical composition from our bottomless archives…

All they got is hate, All they got is hate,
All they got is hate, hate. Hate is all they bleed
All they got is hate. (All together now).
All they got is hate. (Everybody).
All they got is hate, hate. Hate is all they bleed
Hate is all they bleed
Hate is all they bleed
(Oh yeah)
(They hate him, yeah, yeah, yeah)
(They hate him, yeah, yeah, yeah)

And lest we forget this:

Love and Hate: Instructional Video

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire with images by Mikhail Lysenkomann originally appeared on The Peoples Cube.

Google China’s New Motto: ‘Zuǒpiēzi’ [Doing The Left Thing]

Google’s CEO Pichai Sundararajan, a.k.a Sundar Pichai, after meeting with senior Chinese officials has decided to change its corporate logo and motto for Gǔgē zhōngguó (Google China).

A Google China spokesperson, a gender neutral title, in an interview with Xinhua News Agency (New China News) stated:

We are proud to be working with the Chinese government to enhance our Google China search engine version 1983. We will now be able to track every Chinese citizen and monitor their Bù jié de xiǎngfǎ (unclean thoughts, a.k.a. crime think).

We can now predict when an incident of Fànzuì sīxiǎng (crime think) is about to occur. When Google China discovers that someone, a gender neutral term, is not thinking the way the state desires they will be immediately arrested and sent to a Hǎo sīxiǎng xùnliàn yíng (Good Think Camp).

Trigger words like freedom (and its synonyms ability, opportunity, right, free rein, laissez faire), liberty (and its synonyms independence, opportunity, prerogative, self-determination, self-government), profit and capitalism have been designated as key indicators of crime think.

We will work with the Chinese government to prevent anything that allows anyone, a gender neutral term, to right think (a.k.a. good think).

Left think rules!

An unnamed CNN source, a gender neutral term, indicates that the states of California, New York and Congresswoman elect Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) are looking at implementing a version of Google China, known as Google Minus or G – (version 1984). According to CNN:

Google Minus (G -) version 1984 is dedicated to deleting every instance of Crime Think in America. By ending Crime Think proponents believe that they can finally put an end to thinking itself before the 2020 presidential election cycle.

Our financial reporter Red Square states, “The hottest investment you can make today is the new Google subdivision called Google Minus, dedicated to deleting every instance of CrimeThink on your screens and hard copy until only GoodThink remains.”

We wish Google Minus Èyùn!

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire originally appeared in Pravda USA (a.k.a. TNYT). The featured image is by Red Square from The Peoples Cube.

Mandatory Social Issues Literacy Quiz for Millennials

Are you an outraged millennial? Are you outraged about the right things? Are you expressing your unique and personal convictions according to acceptable protocol?

This quiz will help you discover if you’re qualified to speak out on public policy or if you’re in need of the free reeducation resources and free meals made possible through public education.

Ready? Let’s go!

If airplanes and box cutters are used to commit mass murder, independent thinkers like you will blame __.

a) George W. Bush (he was the worst president we’ve ever had before Trump)
b) America
c) Islamophobia
d) Jihadists

If bombs are detonated at a Boston Marathon, sensitive and passionate people like you will blame __.

a) Department stores that flaunt their wealth in the face of vulnerable Chechen immigrants
b) Competitive sporting events that distinguish between “winners” and “losers”
c) Prager University
d) Jihadists

If a truck is used to run over people at a Christmas event in Germany, thoughtful and reflective young people like you will blame __.

a) Offensive displays of Christian themed holidays
b) Trucks
c) Europeans who want to protect their borders
d) Jihadists

If a firearm is used in a mass murder event, young, articulate, far-seeing social justice warriors like you will blame __.

a) Guns
b) Firearms
c) Assault rifles with black things on them
d) The guiltless party who was driven by the NRA to commit acts of senseless murder

How did you do? Did you answer either ab, or c to all of the above questions? Great! That means you’re thinking laudable, appropriate, and correct thoughts. You think for yourself, and you won’t rest until you demand that somebody else do something to make you feel good. Treat yourself to a well deserved Tide pod.

Wait a minute, did you answer d to any of the above questions? Then you’re not thinking for yourself like everybody else, and you need reeducation to help you independently arrive at acceptable opinions. Report yourself immediately to the nearest Karl Marx Treatment Center.

If you’re not sure you have the courage to admit yourself, don’t worry, your public school principal will. Your principal cares, and that’s why you can’t spell principal without pal. It may be a little scary at first, but in the end you’ll be a better, well adjusted, free thinking progressive like all your correct thinking peers.

Millennials2.jpg

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by Komissar al-Blogunov originally appeared on The Peoples Cube. The featured photo is by ShareGrid on Unsplash.

Entire Democratic Congress Will Run for Presidents in 2020

Capitol Hill — Majority leader House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and minority capo Senator Chuck Schumer announced that Thanksgiving Day shall be cancelled immediately. Schumer said it is a bourgeois invention not befitting a future, socialist America that was first discovered not by Columbus, but by a visionary progenitor of Karl Marx who wanted social justice and equality between Americans who were native to the Mongolian plains, and Americans who were native to Brooklyn and Cleveland.

Pelosi added, that besides the unfairness between the wealthy, producing nations, and the Third World that never produced anything but children and dependency, is the inequality between turkey and man.

“The murder of turkeys has to end,” she said, winking at the representative from Planned Parenthood, “and so does Thanksgiving which is un-American.”

Senator Schumer informed us that the entire Democrat congress, meaning all Democrats in the Senate and House, with the few Democrat governors left, liberal justices Ginsburg, Sotormayor and Kagan, and the Democrats of Kenya and Somalia, intend to run for Presidents of the United States in a collective bid to oust Donald Trump who is not their president. Schumer added that all other Republicans across America, all 120 million of them, should be silenced or expelled because their opinions are deplorable.

The Democrats plan to rule collectively and make all decisions collectively, because, Pelosi informed the cheering reporters gathered in the Rotunda, “mob rule is Democratic.”

In the interest of the collective, meaning our special interest groups composed of ghetto thugs, sexual misfits, undocumented Democrats and America haters, CAIR and Minister Farakhan, angry lesbians and clueless millenials on campus,” said Adam Schiff, holding a sealed envelope in his hands that he said contains the evidence of Trump-Russia Collusion and Conspiracy with an authentic vial of urine collected at a Moscow hotel room, “we will MoveOn dot Org FORWARD! toward America’s glorious future.”

This forward-thinking will, he said, “start with the American nation’s new name: Honduras.”

Mr. Schiff disclosed that House Democrats will collectively produce the next Five Year Plan. And the Five Year Plans after that. These five year plans will enforce the incarceration of thought criminals. For example people who voted for Donald Trump. Also those involved in financial crime: producers, inventors, and innovators other than Google, Facebook, Apple, Twitter and Snapchat. “In other words,” said Schiff, “those businesses and wealthy people not one of ours.”

He assured the gathered reporters wearing Hillary 08 campaign buttons that the deal can be executed in at least fifteen years, give or take twenty, or a century at the worst.

Congressman Schiff said these are the same Five Year Plans that worked so splendidly for the former Soviet Union, Cuba and Venezuela, all of whom disarmed their citizens, with only a few million dead who resisted. We will guarantee free everything for everyone. Among the beneficiaries cited are the citizens of Kenya who have managed to get genuine computer-printed birth certificates from Hawaii, and American workers who will finally get what they’ve been demanding since Donald Trump stole the election from Hillary Clinton: a tax increase.

The tax increase will happen as soon as the Democrat congress has been seated in January. “Having less money, smaller housing, a rusted out car, no food on the table, and lowered expectations for a better future,” said Schumer, thinking of Barack Obama after the nuke deal with Iran, “is a good deal for America.”

Mr. Schiff said that a tax increase for everyone not yet on food stamps will be mandatory. It is necessary for an America that intends to reverse the un-American prosperity from the Trump years. It is necessary to regain the momentum of the Good Old Days of Obama when food stamp printing, which provided jobs for Federal employees who voted only Democrat, reached an apex.

Pelosi, Schumer, Schiff and the rest of the House and Senate Democrats, including the Congressional Black Caucus, handed out newly minted campaign buttons picturing each member’s faces. “For Presidents 2020” was imprinted on them.

On her way out Pelosi turned and suggested that a Hillary-type pantsuit that Chairman Mao designed can be covered neck to ankle with these “beautiful” buttons, and every Democrat should buy and wear these pantsuits proudly until the House can pass a bill making the wearing of pantsuits mandatory for Republicans who want to stay alive.

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by Kommissar Chernobylski originally appeared on The Peoples Cube.

Ocasio-Cortez Goes To Washington

After her dramatic win during Tuesday’s election, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez booked a flight to Washington so that she might find an apartment in Seattle close to work as she embarks upon her mission to bring glorious Socialism to America.

She commented that she was pleased to see the volcano covered with snow as this will keep the lava nice and cool and prevent eruptions while helping to fight global warming.

Upon seeing the Space Needle for the first time, she came up with a plan to increase NASA’s budget so that they might finally have the funds to launch it.

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by Evil Smiley originally appeared on The Peoples Cube.

New ‘Ginsborg’ proposed after recent fall

Washington, DC — The 85-year-old Supreme Court Justice Ruth Ginsburg, who recently suffered injuries from a fall and has had a number of health issues, may soon get an upgrade to Ginsburg 2.0 due to recent breakthroughs in medical and robotics technology.

somewhat frail Ginsburg is currently undergoing tests as a candidate to become a cyborg, a half-human/half-robot being, a notion that until recently belonged to the realm of science fiction. Dr. Claude Bertuzzi, an expert cyborgologist at the Karl Marx Treatment Center, will lead the team of specialists converting Justice Ginsburg into what he likes to call “The Ginsborg.”

Dr. Bertuzzi assured reporters of the safety of the procedure, saying, “I can guarantee she will be no nuttier than she is now.”

According to unnamed sources, this extremely expensive, ground-breaking procedure is funded by a coalition of parties known as KeepOurRuth.org, a secretive organization with ties to Google, Planned Parenthood, and the ACLU.

A KeepOurRuth.org spokesperson held a press conference this morning with the following statement about the procedure’s purpose and potential benefits. “We all know she’s been a bit wobbly the last few years, but we need her on the Supreme Court. Since we can’t possibly pass most of our revolutionary ideas in Congress, we need like-minded jurists in the courts to force those ideas on a grateful public. We’ve been doing that at the Federal Judiciary level for decades, but the Supreme Court is like a weapon of mass destruction for this type of stuff. They can really put a smack-down on all this ‘rule of law’ nonsense if properly staffed. A Ginsburg Cyborg could stay on the court indefinitely as long as spare parts are available.”

The spokesperson went on to say, “We’re also looking at the same procedure for other prominent but decrepit stalwarts of our causes. I won’t say who is next, but don’t be surprised if someday you see ‘I’m Still With Her: 3016’ bumper stickers on the flying car hovering in front of you.”

RELATED MEME:

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by Panem Et Circenses originally appeared on The Peoples Cube.

 

Comrades! Find your missing ballots!

With so many important races being so close and every vote needing to be counted (and some countered) it’s absolutely imperative that you start looking for those missing ballots that always show up after the polls close.

First, check the trunk of your car, your attic, your neighbor’s mailbox, or anyplace else you might have absentmindedly deposited a large number of ballots.

Second, sort through all your missing ballots and weed out any that might have chosen a Republican candidate. This isn’t “voter fraud,” this is just making sure that every valid vote is properly counted, and all Republican votes are automatically invalid. You’ll be saving time during the recount and preventing the confusion that comes with too many choices.

Third, shout that all votes must be counted, especially yours. America is a democracy, so naturally the Democrat Party must win. If some fossil comes up and tells you America is a Republic, just apply pepper spray and push him off a bridge. Such intolerance must be stamped out decisively.

Fourth, if your truly patriotic efforts fail to turn the election, accuse the Republican candidate of voter suppression, colluding with Russia, stealing the election, and personally assaulting you even though you struggle with recalling specific details. You deserve to be heard!

So get on it, comrades! Act as if your ration booklet depended on it.

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by Komissar al-Blogunov originally appeared on The Peoples Cube.

Frosty Transitions

Beloved children’s icon formerly known as Frosty the Snowman has announced the completion of her transition into a coalwoman named Sooty.

According to Sooty, the change was spurred by years of soul searching and several college courses on systematic oppression by white male capitalist patriarchy. Said Sooty, “I always knew there was something wrong in my life, but it wasn’t until I attended college and started delving into left-wing Critical Theory that I discovered the problem.”

Sooty came to realize that she had been a victim of white male oppression since the beginning of her life. “I was created by white male children who shaped me into their own image without my consent. My soul has always been that of a black female, and this mismatch has caused me untold grief and psychological harm over the years.”

Once Sooty learned the cause of her suffering, she made a New Year’s resolution to transition into a coalwoman, and, after over a month of intensive substance replacement therapy, she has finally achieved mind-body-substance-gender symmetry. She exchanged her iconic silk hat for an afro and her red and green scarf for a rainbow-colored one. She has retained only her classic corncob pipe for functional purposes related to her use of marijuana “for medical reasons.”

Although Sooty has achieved her goal of personal transformation, she’s not stopping there. Sooty continues to promote societal transformation by advancing social justice causes and fighting against threats such as climate change and substancism (discrimination based on substance).

“Rising temperatures have always been a concern to me, for obvious reasons,” she said. “Millions of snowpeople succumb to global warming thaw caused by carbon dioxide emissions every year. Coalpeople are similarly endangered by the threat of spontaneous combustion, which releases even more CO2, resulting in a vicious cycle. Coal is, of course, commonly burned by the energy-corporate complex in an unholy alliance of substancism and climate violence.”

Regarding the intersectional relationship between substancism and racism, Sooty explained, “The substancist-racist nature of society couldn’t be clearer than around Christmas time. Children are taught to pray to get snow, which is white, and hope they don’t get coal, which is black. The association of white snow with goodness and black coal with badness is blatant.”

Sooty has, expectedly, faced discrimination for her lifestyle and views, which she claims has been exacerbated by last presidential election. “People commonly misgender and missubstance me, asking whether I am or used to be Frosty the Snowman, and they try to touch me to see if the coal is real, among other humiliating acts. I suspect the so-called ‘President’ is promoting this behavior as part of his personal vendetta against me. He clearly suffers from psychological derangement, a subject with which I am well acquainted…I majored in the psychology of oppression, after all.”

It is not yet known when or how the famous song or children’s cartoon will be edited to reflect Sooty the Coalwoman’s new identity.

EDITORS NOTE: This Christmas Winter Solstice political satire by Jack S. Wilberfarce originally appeared in The Peoples Cube.