California Orders Police To Arrest Children Who Pick Out Toys Traditionally Associated With Their Biological Gender

SACRAMENTO, CA—California has ordered the immediate arrest of any children who pick out toys traditionally associated with their gender.

Local police have been ordered by Sacramento to patrol toy stores and big box stores in order to find kids violating the new law stating that children must play with toys they do not like.

“Whether we’re talking about a boy who picks out a Tonka truck or a girl who chooses a Barbie, we’ve ordered them to be arrested and taken into custody on sight,” said Governor Gavin Newsom. “We don’t want to shoot them, but we will if they resist by insisting on playing with their gendered toys.”

“All kids should enjoy just being genderless blobs with no preferences here in the progressive state of California.”

“DROP THE TONKA TRUCK AND PUT YOUR HANDS BEHIND YOUR HEAD!” shouted one officer as he saw a boy pick up a yellow dump truck from a Target store shelf in Sacramento. “DON’T MOVE PUNK!” The boy was taken into custody and sent to a gender reeducation camp to learn to do better, pick his new pronouns, and make license plates for Kamala Harris.

Luckily for wayward kids, the law probably won’t be in effect for very long, as every store in California is expected to move to Texas by the end of the year.

In our latest video, watch as two kids try to choose a Halloween costume that doesn’t offend anyone:

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Kids, Here Are 10 Signs Your Parents Might Be Domestic Terrorists

Hey! Are you a kid? Are you being raised by normal middle-class parents who love you and care for you? Uh-Oh, watch out! They may be dangerous domestic terrorists! It’s important to keep a close eye on your parents for suspicious activity so you can report them to the FBI if necessary. Here are 10 troubling signs your parents may in fact be terrorists:

1) They make you pray to Jesus instead of Dr. Fauci: This is a clear indication they are anti-science, since Fauci IS science, blessings be upon his name.

2) They ask what you learned in school today: Asking this question shows that your parents don’t trust the education experts who are forming your entire worldview. Just answer “nothing” and then call the authorities immediately!

3) They say things like: “Let’s threaten people and do violent domestic terrorism to them!”: If they say this and they’re not wearing a BLM t-shirt, it’s a bad sign.

4) They require sunscreen when they go to the beach: This is clear evidence that your parents may be white. If they’re white, they’re automatically dangerous.

5) They take away the pornographic queer theory book you borrowed in the school library: If they give you a wholesome Tuttle Twins book instead, it’s bad news.

6) They say racist dog whistles like “this school CRT curriculum seems pretty racist.”: Absolutely disgusting.

7) You have never seen them dress in drag at a local library: And if they’ve never encouraged you or any of your siblings to change genders, chances are they are dangerous transphobes.

8) They don’t have a verified blue check on Twitter: Gross. It probably means they work in unsophisticated jobs like plumbing or nursing which are hotbeds of violent domestic terror.

9) You can see their entire face when they talk: This means they aren’t wearing a mask. They’re basically murderers.

10) They voted for Trump: The FBI is watching you from outside your door right now. If your parents voted for Trump, blink twice. They’ll take it from there.

Know the signs! And if you see something, say something!

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. All rights reserved.

Dr. Fauci Says Unvaccinated Kids Can Trick Or Treat But They Only Get Candy Corn

WASHINGTON, D.C.—America collectively breathed a sigh of relief today as Dr. Fauci announced he was giving everyone permission to go trick or treating this year.

“I must clarify one thing, though—and let me be perfectly clear while I clarify one small point in order to make it clear for everyone, as clearly as I possibly can,” said Fauci. “If your child is unvaccinated, he should NOT be given any of the good candy. No Reese’s or Snickers or any of that. Candy Corn only. That’s it.”

Beloved NBC anchor Chuck Todd responded to Fauci’s recommendation and asked for clarification. “So you mean to say they can ONLY get candy corn? Nothing else?”

“Well, maybe they can have an apple or a carrot or a toothbrush,” Fauci replied. “If an unvaccinated kid is given the good candy, they may forget their proper station as unvaxxed second-class citizens. And watch out for… THE DROPLETS!” Fauci then shrieked and jumped out a nearby window, as it had been a stressful day.

The CDC confirmed Dr. Fauci’s recommendations, before later reversing them due to public outcry, and also due to Fauci changing his mind again.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Weird: Many Southwest Planes Flying Banners Reading ‘Let’s Go Brandon’

File this one away in the “weird but true” folder: many Southwest Airlines pilots are flying banners behind their jets with a cryptic message: “Let’s go, Brandon!”


Many are speculating about what this could mean. Some think it’s just an encouraging message for any Southwest passengers named Brandon, while others believe Southwest is just making a little extra money by advertising with banners behind their planes, and perhaps Brandon’s mom bought out the first bit of ad space.

Whatever the case, we can be assured that nothing is going on with Southwest’s pilots, air traffic controllers, or any other members of their labor force. They’re not on strike against any mandates or anything like that. That can’t possibly be true because we haven’t seen it on CNN yet.

Anyway, good for Southwest, and good for Brandon! Go, Brandon!


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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

White House Whistleblower Claims Strangers Drag Him From Place To Place And Make Him Sign Papers And Read Words On Monitors And He Hardly Gets Any Ice Cream

WASHINGTON, D.C.—CNN has just released a bombshell interview with an anonymous White House whistleblower, who gave a harrowing account that could spell trouble for the Biden administration.

Speaking with Jake Tapper, the whistleblower—who identifies as a “White House aide who is young, with no hair plugs or dentures and definitely not Joe Biden”—gave an account of brutal working conditions in the White House.

“Listen, folks, here’s the deal,” said the unidentified whistleblower through a distortion filter to protect his identity. “It stinks here, Jack! Strangers drag me from place to place and make me sign papers and read words on monitors and I hardly get any ice cream!”

“With so much to lose, why are you coming forward now?” asked Jake Tapper solemnly.

“Because it’s the right thing to do, you lying dog-faced pony soldier!” said the mystery man whose face was shrouded in darkness. “No ice cream? Are you kidding me? It’s inhumane! And I haven’t sniffed hair in a week!”

We reached out to President Biden for a response but were unsuccessful.

You are now entering a dimension of riots, militant political correctness, and creepy CRT dolls. Watch all three episodes of the Woke Zone trilogy here!

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

17 Things With A Higher Approval Rating Than Joe Biden

Joe Biden’s approval rating is not good. Sad! Not good!

Here are seventeen things with higher approval ratings than Joe Biden:

1. Candy corn  Even these tasteless cones of wax fare better in the polls than Sleepy Joe.

2. Prostate exams – Uncomfortable but at least they don’t last four years.

3. The restrooms at Walmart – Unsanitary but they’ve never tried to sniff our hair.

4. The decision to cancel Firefly – Next time Joe Biden wants to stab us in the back, he should have the guts to do it to our face.

5. DMV employees – Hey, at least they know where they are.

6. Pearl Harbor, the Ben Affleck movie – We don’t know how this one beat Joe but it did.

7. The actual attack on Pearl Harbor – At least it eventually led to the fall of Hitler.

8. Andrew Cuomo’s steamy new romance novel – Yeesh. Biden’s numbers must be awful.

9. The guy in your neighborhood who hands out toothbrushes on Halloween – Everyone has that guy. But hey, he’s not trying to ruin your life.

10. Long John Silver’s – Something’s fishy about this place but at least you can just avoid it.

11. Todd – Good one, Todd!

12. Gas station sushi – Will only make you sick one time and you’ll have a great story to tell.

13. Gwyneth Paltrow’s vagina candle – We don’t know why she sells these but some people like them, we guess.

14. Alex Rodriguez’s vagina candle – We don’t know why he sells these but some people like them, we guess.

15. Installing a car seat – On a 120-degree day in Phoenix.

16. Wuhan’s world-famous bat soup – The taste isn’t so bad, it’s the consistency.

17. The one true President Donald Trump – USA! USA! USA!

What do you like better than Joe Biden? Let us know in the comment section, which will likely be the longest comment section ever.


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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.