Nation’s Bernie Supporters Frantically Cobble Together Makeshift Rafts To Paddle To Utopian Cuba

U.S.—After Bernie Sanders praised elements of Cuba’s totalitarian regime, the presidential candidate’s loyal supporters scrambled to cobble together makeshift rafts so they could paddle over to Cuba to experience the Communist island’s renowned literacy programs, medical care, and other social services.

Desperate refugees clung to anything that would float as they attempted to sail across the Gulf and get to the idyllic paradise of Cuba.

“We just have to get over there,” said one “Bernie Bro” as he fashioned a raft out of discarded plastic straws. “I for one want to experience Cuba’s literacy program so I can finally read a book. And I’ve heard that their healthcare is the best in the world, as long as you’re among the elite. Which, I’m sure I’ll be accepted as the elite and not one of the peasants, since I’m from a wealthy, capitalist nation like America.”

The Bernie Bro feared he had made a mistake as his iPhone dropped out of cell range a few hundred feet from shore, but it was too late to turn back.

Sadly, once the Bernie supporters had gone through Cuba’s literacy program, they were able to read a history book and learn how bad socialism is, so they were forced to cobble together rafts to come back to America.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. © All rights reserved.

To Deflect Criticism From His Three Houses, Sanders Buys A Fourth

LAS VEGAS, NV—Bernie Sanders took criticism for owning three houses at last night’s Democratic debate. He defended himself eloquently, using the argument that “basically everyone who’s not a dumb, poor person has three houses” and that “having three houses is fun and convenient.”

But Sanders realized the blows were landing too effectively. So, to deflect attention away from his three houses, Sanders reportedly bought a fourth house, a quaint, 3,000-SF beachside summer home in Maine.

“Now they can’t say that I own three homes any longer!” Sanders said triumphantly as he clicked the Buy button on the website where socialists buy all their houses. “I’d love to see them try to use the ol’ three houses argument during the next debate! Bernie, old boy, we’ve done it again.”

Sanders then celebrated his home purchase the way he celebrates all his home purchases: with a bottle of authentic vodka from the USSR. “To socialism!” he said as he toasted his new home.

The plan worked, and the media no longer focused on his three homes, though they did start attacking him for having four homes, forcing him to buy a fifth.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. © All rights reserved.

We have a dossier on Rush Limbaugh

For those who have discovered The People’s Cube only recently: we have been following Rush Limbaugh very closely throughout the years and have compiled an impressive Rush Dossier, detailing his many exploits.

In lieu of a formal briefing, here are some links all comrades must review and memorize for future reference. You don’t know when, you don’t know where, but you will be tested.

Rush Limbaugh Hails the People Cube’s Editorial Cartoon

The notorious author of See I Told You So described our “Founding Fathers” illustration by saying “It’s a great, great, great cartoon because this is how libs see America today.” See it here: Story #7: Great Editorial Cartoon on the Founding Fathers. He thought it was a parody!

IMPORTANT UPDATE:
We have been discovered and interviewed by Mr. Limbaugh live on his show. As a result, so many people logged in to this site that our hosting server melted into a puddle of recyclable precious metals. Click here to see how it went.

Rush Limbaugh Discovers Tomb of Rugged Individual

On the heels of James Cameron’s discovery of a tomb of Jesus came an announcement by talk radio host Rush Limbaugh that he had discovered a coffin with the remains of another historical character that progressive scientists consider a mythical creature – the Rugged Individual.

Media Matters Seeks To Silence Rush Limbaugh

The Associated Press reports this morning that Media Matters is launching a radio campaign against Rush Limbaugh, hypocritically refusing his apology and using his Sandra Fluke comments as a club to destroy his platform.

Rush Limbaugh Enemy Of The State

It’s not paranoia if they’re really after you.

I Denounce Elton John!

I find myself having to destroy my entire Elton John CD collection to raise awareness of how devastated and outraged I am that he would sing at the wedding of none other than that loudmouthed, hatemongering, wants-Obama-to-fail Rush Limbaugh!

Utter Outrage Fridays: Limbaugh Defies the Party Once Again!

 

Rush Limbaugh – the murderous capitalist enabler responsible for everything bad in the world –has single-handedly slapped Senate Majority leader Reid (Communist – Nevada) right in the face! I kid you not, Comrades! He is one upping us yet again and we cannot let him get away with this!

David Frum: Greedy Limbaugh Stole My Crown Of Evil

Hi, I’m David Frum – the rabid right-wing ultra-compassionate conservative, the uber-centrist, and the monster of moderate extremism. My unthinking fanatical followers have dubbed me el-Frumbo, a lovable little sleazeball, and Doctor Doom of Democracy.

Progressives: Rage is our Bread and Butter!

Just today the bushwah propagandist Rush Limbaugh said with regards to Sen. Schumer that he can’t understand how someone who is so successful and has always had a good, comfortable life can be so perpetually enraged at everything that happens.

Premature Eulogy for Rush Limbaugh

I stumbled upon Rush Limbaugh’s talk radio program while driving my Suburban way back in the late 1980s, when liberal politicians and the uniformly lockstep-liberal media were relentlessly trashing Ronald Reagan, calling him a bigoted cowboy war-monger…

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by Red Square from The Peoples Cube is republished with permission. © All rights reserved.

Pelosi Defends Ripping Up Trump’s Speech, Saying It Was Just A ‘Clump Of Cells’

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Nancy Pelosi has been criticized for tearing up President Trump’s speech after the State of the Union since immature behavior is almost completely unheard of among politicians.

But Pelosi has stuck by her actions, saying that tearing things up comes naturally to Democrats, whether those things are speeches about America and patriotism or unborn babies.

“What difference does it make?” she asked in her response after Democrats figured out how to operate the video camera. “It’s just a clump of paper cells, no biggie. In no way is this representative of our hate for America.”

“We need to tear the speech up to see what’s in it.”

Planned Parenthood applauded the tearing up of the speech, pointing out that the ripping of the paper was very similar to the procedure used to tear an unborn baby from his or her mother limb from limb. “It’s great that in 2020, elected officials can finally demonstrate a late-term abortion procedure live on camera,” said a PP spokesperson. “We are no longer living in the barbaric dark ages.”

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Pelosi Suffers Multiple Strains, Fractures While Ripping Up Trump’s Speech

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. © All rights reserved.

Trump Delivers State Of The Union In Scuba Gear To Avoid Drowning In Liberal Tears

WASHINGTON D.C.—After completely mopping the floor with the snowflake libs on the Senate floor, the Trump administration fears that he is at high risk of drowning in a literal tidal wave of liberal tears during Tuesday’s State of the Union address.

“The risk for liberal tear downpour is always high any time Trump speaks,” said climatologist Dr. Herbert Thwayne. “But under these conditions, the risk is driven up exponentially. Not only is there going to be a record amount of crying like a bunch of babies, but the melting snowflakes are going to cause a rapid rise in the sea level. It’s smart for the president to take any precautions necessary.”

For the general public, Weather scientists recommend staying indoors on Tuesday and for families located in blue states to wear life vests on Tuesday night.

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Halftime Show Reduces Risk Of Wardrobe Malfunction By Eliminating Most Of Wardrobe

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Baptist Church Service Halftime Show Criticized For Showing Too Much Ankle

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. © All rights reserved.

In Major Deal, The Babylon Bee Purchases Competing Satire Site CNN

U.S.—The Babylon Bee has been the world’s best satire site for thousands of years, spawning dozens of secular knock-offs that just aren’t quite as good.

The site announced a new acquisition this week, one that immediately made the site the largest satirical site on the planet: a purchase of competing satire site CNN for $12 billion. The move more than quadrupled the site’s catalog of hilarious, satirical articles.

“We’ve long admired CNN’s ability to parody leftist media organizations so effortlessly, and we’re thrilled to have them under The Babylon Bee’s umbrella,” said site CEO Seth Dillon. “When you can’t compete with hilarious satire like CNN, you obviously look for ways to get them on your team, and an acquisition seemed to make the most sense.”

The new conglomerate organization will be called BNN. CNN writers and hosts will be instructed to simply keep doing what they’re doing.

“We don’t want them to change anything since you don’t try to fix satirical content that’s already incredible,” Dillon said. “They’ll just keep churning out incredibly skewed content in order to satirize the leftist media’s inability to report anything without bias or prejudice.”

Brian Stelter will produce satirical videos for The Babylon Bee, moving the site into the realm of video content for the first time. Again, though, his show’s content will remain unchanged.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. © All rights reserved.

New, Deadlier AR-16 Introduced Which Is An AR-15 Wearing A MAGA Hat

U.S.—Horror has spread throughout the nation as the unthinkable has happened: A new, even deadlier successor to the AR-15 — the AR-16 — is now for sale. The gun is a lot like the destructive AR-15 but is even scarier, as it is wearing a red “Make America Great Again” hat.

The AR-15 was the deadliest gun ever made, able to fire over 100 rounds a day. The “AR” in it stands for “AR-15 Rifle” and the 15 stands for “50% more than 10.” The new AR-16 is obviously even more destructive, though. “Guns are scary enough,” said being-scared-by-guns expert Noah Carlson, “but knowing a gun is a supporter of Donald Trump makes it even more terrifying. What’s it planning to do? Obviously nothing good.”

Carlson warned that the gun was probably racist and sexist and that he wouldn’t be surprised if it was also rude to women. There is now a campaign to have the gun banned, signed onto by all the major Democratic presidential candidates. Many gun rights supporters have called this hypocrisy, though, as recently the LGBTQ-15 also went on sale — an AR-15 with a rainbow scarf — and the left praised that gun and called it “appropriate for children.”

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. © All rights reserved.

All-White Democratic Debate Mistaken For KKK Rally

DES MOINES, IA—Many were shocked to turn to CNN last night and see what appeared to be a Ku Klux Klan rally. Airing for two hours was an all-white assembly of people talking about their superior plans for the country. CNN received numerous complaints but explained it was not a Klan rally but in fact a Democratic presidential debate.

This confused many people, as there had been numerous minority candidates in the presidential primary, and this was what appeared to be a “whites only” debate. CNN explained that this was not true and that the debate had nothing to do with white supremacy; the DNC simply had excluded all minority candidates from the debate for being inferior to the white ones.

“And I have many black friends,” explained Joe Biden, an attendee of the not-Klan rally. “Like Barack Obama. And Corn Pop.”

Further confusing the issue was the fact that a cross was burned on stage during the “debate.” The Democrats explained, though, that this was not done in the racist sense that the KKK would do it but instead done simply to express a general disdain for religion.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire from The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. © All rights reserved.

Reminder: You No Longer Need A Color TV To Watch The Democratic Debates

DES MOINES, IA—The FCC announced today that the next Democratic debate will not require viewers to use a color television. The decision was made in part due to the fact that all the remaining candidates are white. The FCC cites several other reasons for the change, however.

The FCC reminded everyone in a statement that the only color you’ll need to make out the candidates’ skin color is white.

“Listen, we didn’t want to leave anybody out,” said FCC employee Steven Penta. “Over one percent of American’s live without color TV, and that makes those folks a minority. We didn’t want to leave them out because, well, because this is America!”

Democrats, however, were unhappy with the news, insisting their party deserved better, more diverse candidates. “These people are all rich, white, privileged scum,” said Bernie Sanders as he rubbed a balloon on his head to prep for the debate. “If my opponents cared at all about diversity, they would drop out and let me win.”

The FCC will soon ask viewers to upgrade to color television in advance of the presidential debates this fall, as the incumbent will require televisions that display a brilliant orange hue.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. © All rights reserved.

Mitch McConnell Sends Pelosi Shirt Reading ‘I Impeached The President And All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt’

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Mitch McConnell felt bad for Nancy Pelosi after watching her get forced to impeach the president by the radical wing of her party, then impeach him and sit on the articles of impeachment for weeks. So, he decided to cheer her up a bit.

McConnell had his staffers deliver Pelosi a shirt reading “I Impeached The President And All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt.” Pelosi did not seem to understand the nice gift, pointing her finger sternly and lecturing the McConnell staffer: “Don’t mess with me.” Though her dentures fell out before she could finish her rant, sadly.

“It’s the least I could do,” McConnell said, a grin slowly spreading across his face. “I feel bad for the poor girl — so much work on impeachment for nothing. Everyone needs a little consolation prize, a little affirmation. A participation trophy, you might say.”

As an offended Pelosi held a press conference condemning the shirt as a “slap in the face,” Mitch McConnell hurriedly confirmed hundreds more conservative judges,

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. © All rights reserved.

Tragic: Footage Of Epstein Suicide Found Hanging In Cell

NEW YORK—In a tragic occurrence, the footage of Epstein’s suicide attempt was found hanging in its cell Friday in an apparent suicide.

The footage reportedly strung itself up with a strip of cloth, hanged itself from the ceiling, and then shot itself three times in the back of the cassette. Shocked security guards found the footage strung up, saying they would have kept an eye on it but were distracted by large bags of cash handed to them by a mysterious cloaked man.

“You hate to see this kind of thing, but sometimes, footage just doesn’t have the will to live any longer,” said Metropolitan Correctional Center Chief of Security Paul Bugs, after pulling up in his new Bentley. “That’s the way life goes.”

Footage of the footage hanging itself has also been found dead, apparently running itself over with a steamroller and then burning itself alive.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. © All rights reserved.

As Part Of Settlement With Nick Sandmann, CNN Hosts Must Wear MAGA Hats During All Broadcasts

ATLANTA, GA—According to a report, as part of the settlement with Nick Sandmann, CNN hosts will be required to wear MAGA hats throughout every broadcast.

“Let the punishment fit the crime,” counsel for Sandmann said as Don Lemon, Chris Cuomo, Anderson Cooper, and Wolf Blitzer all solemnly donned Make America Great Again caps.

Hosts were seen with downcast expressions as they commented on the day’s events, MAGA hats in place.

Sandmann says the hosts will be forced to wear the hats until they’ve learned their lesson, which could take a while. “Just be careful you don’t make an expression some could construe as ‘smug.’ Wouldn’t want you to get punched or your lives to get ruined, or anything like that.”

CNN hosts must also finish every broadcast by saying, “Good night, and I am a big, fat dummy, while Trump is the best president we’ve ever had.”

Brian Stelter requested an exemption and was allowed to wear a clown nose instead, as usual.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. All rights reserved.

Trump’s Approval Rating Among Terrorists Hits All-Time Low

U.S.—President Trump’s approval rating among terrorists hit an all-time low today according to a CNN poll. This comes just days after he killed several of them.

Of those surveyed, only six percent of terrorists–mostly white nationalists–said they approve of Trump’s performance. Of the 94 percent who disapproved, just half said they would like to see the president dead. The others claimed they would be perfectly happy with a pallet full of cash.

Trump was briefed on the issue this morning, but it is unclear whether or not he was paying attention. He did, however, offer a thumbs up in between bites of chocolate ice cream, according to CNN.

“We need to understand the importance of these numbers,” said Rep. Ilhan Omar, who participated in the poll. “These numbers not only tell us how terrorists view our president, but they also represent widespread disapproval of the American idea in general. If we can murder terrorists, it’s only a matter of time before we order drone strikes on our own citizens.”

President Trump is scheduled to speak with the media in regard to the poll this afternoon and promises to answer any and all questions as long as Mike Pompeo answers them first.

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Readers of the Bee,
If you value The Babylon Bee and want to see us prevail against Snopes and anyone else who might seek to discredit or deplatform us, please consider becoming a subscriber. Your support really will make a difference.

Support Us                          Learn More


EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. © All rights reserved.

Democrats Grasping At Straws To Impeach Trump Now Regret Banning Straws

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Democrats desperately grasping at straws to find grounds to impeach and convict Trump announced Tuesday they are now regretting banning plastic straws.

“We started grasping for straws but suddenly realized we had banned them a while back,” a downcast Nancy Pelosi told reporters. “We really should have seen this coming.”

Many congresspeople keep straws on hand for the express purpose of grasping at them. They get them out when they really don’t like a politician on the other side of the aisle and need to find something to condemn him or her for. Sadly, the Democrats banned their straws a while back for using harmful plastics and now have nothing to grasp for.

The Democratic leaders tried to reach for paper straws instead, but they instantly crumbled into a fine powder.


Babylon Bee subscriber John Sherman contributed to this report. If you want to get involved with the staff writers at The Babylon Bee, check out our membership options here!


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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. All rights reserved.

Iran Declines To Sign Colin Kaepernick After Reviewing Workout Video

TEHRAN—Colin Kaepernick sent his workout video to Iran after learning they may have recently opened up a position but has yet to receive a phone call.

Kaepernick condemned American attacks on Iranian terrorists last week, inciting rumors that he may have found a team interested in him in the Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps. But Iranian officials have dispelled the rumors, stating clearly and unequivocally that “we have no interest in signing Kaepernick at this time, but we wish him well in his future endeavors.”

“It’s disappointing to see that Iran is as hateful as America,” a downcast Kaepernick said in a press conference. “I expected to be welcomed as a hero over there, but apparently, they too are biased against people with dark skin.” Kaepernick plans to protest Iran’s hate by continuing to kneel during the American national anthem.

Iran has clarified that they agree with Kaepernick ideologically, but they need someone who can throw.

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Readers of the Bee,
If you value The Babylon Bee and want to see us prevail against Snopes and anyone else who might seek to discredit or deplatform us, please consider becoming a subscriber. Your support really will make a difference.

Support Us                          Learn More


EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. © All rights reserved.