CNN Says Cuban Protests Likely Due To Climate Change

ATLANTA, GA—During a news report Wednesday, CNN anchors blamed the Cuban protests on “climate change,” saying the mass demonstrations against the communist government were likely due to global warming.

The cable news station told its dozens of viewers that global warming drove thousands of Cubans out of their homes, with the heat making them deliriously chant things like “Libertad!” and demand change from their socialist rulers. According to the station’s pundits, there’s “no way” protesters could be opposed to the love and compassion of a socialist government, leading them to conclude that the culprit here must be a rapidly warming globe caused by humans.

“It’s very tragic how climate change caused this terrible protest,” said CNN news reporter Ronald Mahogany, wincing at footage of Cubans holding the American flag and marching against their government. “We must demand action on climate from our government immediately if we want to stop further protests from taking place all over the globe. We’re just lucky this hasn’t happened in North Korea yet.”

“This all could have been prevented if we had just listened to Greta.”

At publishing time, CNN reporters had suggested an alternate theory, claiming that if it isn’t climate change, it must be Trump’s fault somehow.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Lego Figures Charged With Insurrection

Washington, DC — As news that one of the dangerous January 6 insurrectionists had a Lego Capitol taken from his home as evidence, further news has leaked that the FBI will likely charge many of his Lego mini-figures with weapons and conspiracy charges.

An unknown number of mini-figures was taken into custody. At least four were reportedly cooperating with law enforcement and may have been long-time FBI informants.

Neighbors report a small firefight had erupted from the basement of the house when officers tried to exercise a search warrant. Fred Fredrickson lives behind the house and claims to have witnessed the entire operation.

“I heard a knocking on his door at about 2 am, but they had the bust down the door because he wasn’t home, y’know? Then I clearly heard them from the basement sayin’ ‘I see you hiding in that fully constructed Roman Coliseum – come out with your little plastic gripper-things up!’ Then I hear ’em going ‘pew pew pew’ and making shooting sounds with his mouth,” he said.

Mr. Frederickson continued, “Then I seen some of them loaded into a Lego City Prisoner Transporter and noticed about half were wearing little red ball caps. You could just make out MAGA on them lil’ hats. I was terrified – they’ve been living next to me for five years!”

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by Panem Et Circenses from The Peoples Cube is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

‘You Just Don’t Understand Socialism Like I Do,’ Says College Freshman To Man Who Escaped Socialism On A Raft

MIAMI, FL—While on his way to a summer sociology course at the University of Miami, local college freshman Eddard Pollyton noticed a Cuban American man sitting on a bench. He took the time to lecture the man, who had escaped socialism on a raft when he was young, on why socialism is actually good and how he knows a lot more about socialism than people from socialist countries.

“Greetings!” Pollyton said. “I’m Eddard, he/him. I see from your skin color—which is the most important thing about you—that you are Cuban. Pretty sad how those Cubans aren’t appreciating the great social programs they have right now, am I right?”

The man stared dumbfounded as the student went on and on about private ownership of the means of production, the plight of the proletariat, and the need for the workers to unite and work for the common good. He explained to the man who had nearly starved to death as a child and only survived because his parents had put him on a raft and dared a dangerous sea voyage across the Gulf of Mexico that Cubans have some of the best healthcare, free food and medicine, and literacy programs in the world.

Finally, the man had heard enough. “Get out of here. You young people have no idea what socialism is like, man.”

“Wait a minute—did you just assume my gender?”

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. All rights reserved.

‘Vaccines Should Be Mandatory,’ Says Woman Wearing My Body, My Choice T-Shirt

PORTLAND, OR—During a conversation at work Monday, local woman Reighnye Leighton argued that the government should just mandate that everyone get vaccinated. She made this argument as she wore her favorite, well-worn “My Body, My Choice” T-shirt.

“Vaccines should be mandatory,” said the woman who goes out and protests every weekend that she should be able to get an abortion at any time because it’s “her body, her choice.”

Leighton argued that though people do have a right to privacy and to make their own healthcare decisions, ultimately, the government can overrule that if it’s in the interest of saving innocent lives. “If it saves one life, it’s worth it,” she added, though she believes every woman in the nation has the right to end a life inside of her if it becomes inconvenient.

RELATED POLTICAL SATIRE: Biden’s State Department: ‘We Support The Cuban People As They Rise Up To Protest Georgia’s Voter ID Laws’

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

7 Signs Your Kid Might Be Learning CRT At School

We all know that CRT is simply the honest teaching of American history. It’s also a niche legal theory that is only taught in college. It’s also an arbitrary label that racists use to slander everything they don’t like. It’s also the only way to make sure your elementary school kids don’t grow up thinking slavery is good. Wow! Are you confused? You probably are. Whiteness has that effect on people. We’re here to help.

So how can you know your kids are being taught CRT in school? Here are the 7 signs:

1) They call your boss to tell how racist you are: If your kid tries to get you canceled because you perpetuate systems of oppressive whiteness by treating all races equally–which is totally racist– they might be learning CRT.

2) They segregate all their stuffed animals by fur color: Kids who have been taught CRT know the value of creating segregated, decolonized spaces for their stuffies of color to play without white harassment.

3) They come home with purple hair and a ‘Kill All Men’ tattoo: This look is the standard issue for kids who believe all the tenets of CRT.

4) They try to get out of math homework by telling you math is racist: Well, it is. So why are you making them do it, you racist boomer?

5) They refuse to eat on Taco Tuesday due to cultural appropriation: Literally every white ally of social justice knows that enjoying any aspect of another culture that doesn’t belong to your own is racist. Segregate those cultures, Mom and Dad!

6) They ask all their minority classmates to bully them: Are they white? Then they deserve it!

7) They explain over dinner how Marxist ideology is a potent and effective tool for infiltrating all aspects of modern civilization– including culture, religion, economy, and government– in order to dismantle the established order and topple the bourgeois: Wow! so true!

If your kid exhibits any of these signs, they’re on their way! Give them a salute, Comrade!

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Never Forget: Here Are 12 Artifacts That Have Been Donated To The Smithsonian’s Jan. 6th Exhibit

The Smithsonian has seen an influx of donations of relics from January 6, the darkest day in our nation’s history, if you don’t count a few of the big ones. Here are twelve of the most significant artifacts that have been donated so far:

1. Buffalo guy’s buffalo hat – This will be displayed on a full wax replica of buffalo guy in a diorama of his natural habitat, grazing out on the plains.

2. The American flag pants Trump was wearing during the attack – Do you think anyone wants a roundhouse kick to the face while Trump is wearing those bad boys? Forget about it.

3. The deadly selfie sticks carried by the attackers – These weapons will forever remind us of their violence.

4. Joe Biden’s half-eaten ice cream cone – When he heard about the attack, he fainted (or maybe fell asleep; it’s unclear). The ice cream will forever go unlicked. Haunting.

5. Joe Biden – Speaking of ancient relics, Kamala Harris has donated Joe Biden to the museum to be preserved for future generations.

6. A tumbler filled with authentic AOC tears – A rare and beautiful treasure. Sigh, we love AOC.

7. Knittin’ MeeMaw’s reading glasses – Future generations will get chills down their spines as they view these – the spectacles of a killer.

8. Nancy Pelosi’s dentures – The very dentures she was wearing when the attack happened. Wow. So rare!

9. The charred ruins where the Capitol used to be – The giant crater from all the destruction will be preserved forever.

10. The barricades the police officers voluntarily moved aside to let people in – Truly an indication of how violent these rioters were.

11. The 155 mm artillery shell that blew up and killed AOC – Fragments of the shell were recovered and will be displayed along with 400 other things that killed AOC in a special seventeen-room exhibit.

12. Trump’s authentic LEGO models of the Capitol, White House, and Pentagon – Once the FBI is finished investigating Trump’s extensive LEGO collection, they’ll be turned over to the museum.

Be sure to visit the Jan. 6 exhibit the next time you’re in D.C.! It will probably be mandatory for all American subjects at some point anyway!

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

7 Clever Ways To Scare Off Biden’s Door-To-Door Vaccine Evangelists

The vaccine door-to-door evangelists are coming for you! Luckily, we at The Babylon Bee are extremely anti-social, so we’ve got some great ways to scare off the vaccine missionaries trying to get you to accept Dr. Fauci as your lord and savior.

Try one of these and let us know how it goes!*

1. Answer the door while casually cleaning your AR-15. – “Greetings, agent of the government! What can I do for you today?”

2. Wear a MAGA hat. – Works every time.

3. Sneeze violently and say you’re starting to lose your sense of taste. – “Does this apple taste like anything to you? Everything is starting to taste bland to me…”

4. Smear sacrificial ice cream on your doorposts to appease Biden. – It worked for the Israelites.

5. Show them your fully assembled LEGO Capitol Building set. – A true sign that you’re a deranged terrorist — they’ll run away screaming.

6. Smile and offer to shake their hand. – Nothing scares the pro-SCIENCE crowd like interacting like a normal human being.

7. If all else fails, release the hounds. – Hopefully you’ve had your “Release the Hounds” button installed already.

*The Babylon Bee is not responsible for any death, dismemberment, or imprisonment in a reeducation camp resulting from these techniques.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Updated Death Certificates Require Choosing Between COVID, Climate Change, Or Systemic Racism As Cause Of Death

U.S.—The Biden administration is providing new guidance to coroners and medical examiners across the country for determining causes of death. From now on, doctors and officials who sign death certificates will be required to choose between COVID, climate change, or systemic racism to describe how the person died.

“Listen, folks, this is much easier,” said Biden in a statement to the garbage disposal in his kitchen sink. “It’s multiple choice! We know these three things are really the only evil forces at work that could be responsible for killing someone. It ain’t that complicated, Jack!”

Biden then immediately tripped and fell down the stairs, almost dying of climate change.

Several lawmakers such as AOC have expressed support for the federal changes. “We are, like, really glad the President is making sure we get to the real root causes of all the death in the world,” she said. “This stuff is real. I actually almost died of systemic racism just last week!”

According to sources, some are working to add “homophobia” and “Trump” as possible causes of death as well.

RELATED POLITICAL SATIRE: Bad News: First Marvel Movie In Two Years Is Coming Out, But It’s About Some Chick

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Biden, Psaki To Go Door To Door On Bikes Asking If You Have A Moment To Talk About Getting Vaccinated

U.S.—After falling short of his vaccination goals this month, the Biden Administration has announced a new effort to encourage people to get vaccinated. President Biden and Press Secretary Jen Psaki are now riding across the country on bicycles, going door-to-door to spread the good news.

“Excuse me, sir, do you have a moment to talk about our Lord and Savior Dr. Fauci, and the salvation of Pfizer, Moderna, and Johnson & Johnson?” said Psaki as a local homeowner opened his door. “We want you to know how you can be happy and secure forever. Would you like to talk a little more about this?”

According to sources, the elderly homeowner slammed the door in their faces– causing Biden to angrily ring the doorbell over and over.

“Hey! You listen here, Jack! You think I’m just gonna walk away and let you not get vaccinated?” he said. “Why, I’ll break this door down and beat you up! You think you can take me, chump?”

Psaki then quickly calmed the disgruntled Biden with a choco-choco chip ice cream cone and led him down the sidewalk to knock on the next door.

The pair will be touring the entire United States until everyone is either vaccinated or added to a secret FBI list as a possible insurrectionist.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

New Evidence Indicates Critical Race Theory Escaped From A Lab In A College Humanities Department

U.S.—Scientists have discovered mounting evidence that critical race theory escaped from a lab in a college humanities department some decades ago. Originally thought to be a deranged conspiracy theory, the idea that CRT escaped from a liberal arts program is now accepted as mainstream consensus.

“While many believed the deadly CRT virus arose naturally out of centuries of systemic oppression, it now appears to have been manmade,” said Dr. Xander Willow of Hillsdale College. “It looks like some good-for-nothing liberal arts majors were messing around with some old law textbooks and experimenting with applying critical race theory to all of life. As we can see, their gain-of-racism research had terrible results.”

While researchers could not trace the virus all the way back to patient zero, scientific evidence indicates the first carrier of CRT was “almost certainly a white woman with purple hair who screamed a lot.” “Yeah, her name was probably Chloe or Claire. Or maybe Karen. It’s hard to tell based on the evidence we have, but genetics indicates this virus definitely evolved from a woman afflicted by white guilt.”

“Her actions in developing and releasing this virus on the population may prove to be deadlier than any other virus yet.”

To fight CRT, experts are recommending loving your neighbor no matter what their skin color is, seeing a person instead of a race, and reading your Bible. Also, hydroxychloroquine.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Bravo New York Times!

What a fantastic headline today, at the Old Gray Lady. The Trump tax evasion scandal, way to grab on to what is the essential news going on in America right now. Pulitzer Prize worthy actually. I mean after all the millions spent on the investigation, to come up with the CFO, not claiming fringe benefits on his tax return is just brilliant. What an unbiased, objective piece. President Trump is a racist!

Of course, as usual the radical right is all over this. They are calling it just the latest witch hunt and the latest attempt to smear President Trump. Wasted Millions spent to go along with the wasted money on 2 ridiculous, merit less impeachment attempts.

It really seems like the left is a bit upset with all the positive response President Trump has been receiving. Pointing to the absolute horrible start to the Harris administration. Trying to keep the spotlight off the cognitively challenged President and his horribly incompetent sidekick and caretaker Kamala. I think they have been doing phenomenal, wouldn’t you agree Deano? I mean sans the border, inflation, constant rioting (I mean peaceful protests), assault on our great law enforcement, Antifa, becoming energy dependent, over 50 executive orders (after Joey preaching bipartisanship and unity), creating the greatest racial divide since Barack Hussein Obama, pushing ridiculous programs and money under the quise of infrastructure or covid relief. Well, all I can say to that is, President Trump is a racist!

I mean where does the AG Letitia James find the time for these investigations with the Andy Cuomo debacle front and center, the radical right asks? They say, with the cornucopia of charges against Ole Andy, how does she do it? She is obviously a human dynamo, what a workaholic.

Speaking of Andy, your non coverage of ALL these accusations has been magnificent. I mean to keep President Trump front and center, while ignoring the litany of charges against Andy is phenomenal, professional journalism. They will never be able to accuse you Deano, or The Times of yellow journalism. Bravo, Deano, just bravo.

Any word from me too or possibly Alyssa Milano, you know voicing their outrage at Andy Cuomo, for all the sexual harassment charges. I mean, the way they did against President Trump. It may be time to dust off those pink hats and march around the state Capitol up in Albany. If they remain quiet, it would just reek of selective outrage, aimed at certain individuals and political affiliations. We wouldn’t want that, would we Deano?
Maybe you could reach out to Joy Behar for comment, she seems to be very objective and reasonable. Just a lovely individual through and through. I still say Mr. Behar is the luckiest man in the world, as he gets to see that happy, joyful face everyday.

Well, that’s it for today Deano. I guess you will be heading out to your estate in Larchmont, California for the long weekend. I don’t want to mention the holiday for fear of being construed as a racist. Maybe you could head over to Malibu and stick your toes in the sand. Possibly hook up with Patrisse Cullors, former cofounder of BLM. She must have plenty of time since her resignation from BLM after her recent purchase of her own million dollar estate out there in California.

You know, I myself am in the market for a home in California. I mean, just to move there due to their incredible political policies and political leaders is reason enough. To have Nancy Pelosi, Gavin Newsom, Adam Schiff, etc leading the way, it would be a dream come true for me. If they could only entice Andy Cuomo, Chuckie Schumer, Warren Wilhelm, oops, I mean Billy Deblasio, and Jerry Nadler, to head out there, that would be nirvana.

Here is my problem Deano. I understand this is a very affluent community, Larchmont that is. But alas, I am not, so I may qualify for section 8 housing. Is there much section 8 housing in your community Deano? I’m sure you would be wide open to that, maybe I could qualify. Well anyway, I’ll shoot you my personal info, so that if any homes open up on your block, you could give me a heads up.

Keep up the spectacular apolitical, unbiased reporting over at the Old Gray Lady. How those hacks at those propaganda driven news outlets live with themselves is beyond me. They must have no conscience, eh Deano? You and your paper are a fantastic example to our children, such integrity. Kudos, on a job well done.

This phase was made popular by Kamala…isn’t she just precious? Also, let’s try and have less coverage to the myriad of charges against Andy ……..if that is even possible?

©Political satire by Chris Cirino. All rights reserved.

Facebook To Provide Pop-Up Warning When Your Friends Begin Thinking For Themselves

MENLO PARK, CA—Facebook has introduced a new feature that will warn you when one of your friends is sharing free and independent thoughts on its network.

Should you encounter an unapproved opinion, Facebook will provide a pop-up warning letting you know that if you’re concerned about a friend expressing opinions derived from free thought that is not in line with big tech companies, major corporations, Hollywood, universities, or the government, you can get them help.

The social media platform will allow you to take steps to report people who are sharing unapproved opinions. You may report them to Facebook, who will reach out to them to help them by forcibly sending them to a Facebook reeducation camp.

“Yes, the camp is mostly brainwashing,” Mark Zuckerberg admitted, “but the food is pretty good. They serve mac and cheese with the little cut-up hot dogs in there every Tuesday. Plus, we’ve got one of those big inflatable launcher things out on the lake, which you can use to relax and launch each other into the water. It’s a ton of fun. If we kidnap you and take you to our camp, we guarantee you’ll love hanging out there on the lake.”

“Once you finish your reeducation sessions, of course.”

RELATED POLITICAL SATIRE: Biden Rushing To Get Marxist Agenda Done Before Trump Reinstated As President

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. All rights reserved.

‘We At The NSA Are Not Spying On You,’ Insists Muffled Voice Coming From Tucker Carlson’s Toaster

BOCA GRANDE, FL—Fox News host Tucker Carlson has been going back and forth with the NSA, with the television commentator insisting the NSA is spying on him. The agency, however, has denied the claim, saying, “We at the NSA are not spying on you and have never spied on you” in a tinny, muffled voice coming from his toaster this morning.

“I just can’t believe the NSA would spy on me,” Carlson muttered while eating his typical breakfast of two dozen eggs, fourteen strips of bacon, and a full tub of pre-workout powder.

“We are not spying on you,” his toaster replied indignantly.

“What the –” Carlson shouted, jumping up and spilling bacon everywhere.

“We at the NSA are not spying on you and have never spied on you. We know nothing about you, like for instance that you enjoy the occasional slice of avocado toast with your breakfast, or that you have a tiny Tweety Bird tattoo on your lower back. We cannot know these things because we do not spy on American citizens without the proper court authorization. Have a great day!”

A freaked-out Carlson smashed the toaster to pieces with his bare fist and proceeded to frantically destroy appliances.

The NSA has said they are sorry for the incident and gifted Tucker with a hollowed-out wooden statue of Trump with suspiciously moving eyes by way of apology.

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EDITOR NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

10 Reasons The 2020 Election Was The Fairest Election Of All Time

Everyone knows the 2020 election was literally the most secure and fair presidential election—like, ever. But we know there are still a few skeptics out there. Here at the Bee, our number one mission is to prevent the spread of misinformation and make sure everyone still has faith in our democracy.

To help convince you, here is the undeniable evidence the election was fair:

1. Literally everyone says so: Duh. The 2020 election couldn’t have been rigged because all the people who are cool and smart and not weird say so. Do you want to look like a weirdo? Ew.

2. Journalists were fair and balanced in assessing the qualities of moderate, kind, decent Joe Biden, and of his opponent Hitler: Thank God for the press! They really made sure to give a fair and honest assessment of the most popular and wonderful president ever and the evil orange monster who wanted to kill democracy and take away all our norms and stuff. Great job, journalists!

3. Mail-in votes were handled by USPS—the most reliable, trustworthy company on the planet: The post office almost never screws up, loses, or delays US mail. It’s quite amazing, really.

4. Vote counters in Philadelphia and Detroit spent many years practicing how to count before election night: Some of them since kindergarten! The election was truly in good hands.

5. The Democrats have never done anything wrong, ever: Not ever.

6. Posters and barricades were held up to block people from seeing the unprecedented, blinding levels of vote counting fairness: Poll watchers showed up, but their eyeballs would have been burned out by the awe-inspiring amount of vote counting integrity. Many lives saved!

7. Absolutely nobody was threatened behind a poolhouse by a chain-wielding Biden: Biden is a fine, upstanding man of integrity and would never do something like that.

8. New York didn’t just accidentally count 138,000 ballots, a bizarrely familiar number: Science has clearly shown that voter fraud is completely impossible and would never happen here, especially in New York City where they’re really good at elections.

9. The election turned out exactly how your late great, great grandfather would have wanted: This was verified by his vote in the 2020 election.

10. The Democrat candidate won, which is perhaps the most important sign of a fair and impartial election: The evil, fascist dictator was voted out of office. Anything that was done to achieve this was fair, right?

We hope you have seen the light. Now shut up about the election you insurrectionist!

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by Swing State Steal and The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Frustrated Women Demand Trans Women In Public Restrooms Stop Leaving The Toilet Seat Up

“We’re sick of it!” said one probably transphobic woman. “We women have to deal with this all the time at home with our husbands or boyfriends, and now this? What’s it gonna take for you men– er, women, to stop leaving the toilet seat up?”

Some facilities had previously addressed this problem by gluing down the toilet seats but were later told that this was transphobic since some trans women need to lift the toilet seat for unknown reasons completely unrelated to physiology.

“This is a crisis,” said Senator Chuck Schumer to reporters, “and one that can only be solved through far-reaching legislation. Rest assured the Democrat party is working on a solution to the toilet seat issue.”

Congress has promised to intervene in this crisis by enacting legislation that would require full-time bathroom butlers to be paid a living wage to stay in women’s restrooms and put the toilet seats down after each use.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.