Kamala Harris Starting To Worry Biden Will Fully Destroy America Before She Even Gets A Chance

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Vice President Kamala Harris has expressed her concern that she will never get a chance to destroy America, as Biden has lived much longer than expected and will ruin the entire country before she gets a crack at it.

“He’s lived through his first hundred days and already destroyed most of our institutions — there won’t be anything left for me to ruin,” said a nervous-looking Harris as she put her feet up on the Oval Office desk, as Biden was taking a nap. “I don’t know how much longer I can wait. Every time he destroys another industry, devalues the U.S. dollar, causes hyperinflation, or ruins the job economy, a little part of me dies inside — that little girl who wanted to be president and destroy everything — her dreams die.”

“Maybe we can pass some more constitutional amendments so I can destroy those? I don’t know. Whatever we need to do to ensure I still have things to break when he finally kicks the bucket.”

At publishing time, Harris had taken matters into her own hands and rubbed some barbecue sauce on Biden’s sleeping neck in hopes that Major Biden would take care of her little problem.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Biden Continues Rollback Of Trump Policies Like Peace In The Middle East

WASHINGTON, D.C.—A spokeswoman for President Biden said Wednesday that he remains committed to rolling back all of former President Donald Trump’s policies, including peace in the Middle East. Palestinians in the West Bank voiced their collective approval by launching celebratory rockets into Israel.

“Everything President Trump did was completely wrong, so the opposite of what he did must be right,” said White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki. “Thus, the Biden administration remains committed to doing the opposite of everything Donald Trump did in the Middle East as well.”

Psaki said the administration’s new Middle East policy calls for as much violence as it takes to completely eradicate the peace brought about by Donald Trump. “The people of this region lost many good years of violence and bloodshed,” Psaki noted. “We’re going to make that up to them, even if it takes decades of war to do so.”

A reporter asked if peace in the Middle East was actually a good thing no matter which president brought it about, but Psaki rejected that notion outright. “Let’s not lose sight of the most important factor here, which is orange man bad,” she said.

Psaki then noted that the Biden administration is committed to rolling back many other Trump policies such as affordable gasoline, low unemployment rates, and general economic prosperity. “We’re going to do the opposite,” Psaki said. “All that stuff has got to go.”

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. All rights reserved.

Biden Thankful For Gas Crisis To Distract From Inflation Crisis, Unemployment Crisis, And Border Crisis

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In the days following the Colonial Pipeline hack, gas stations have begun to run out of fuel, creating a panic for many. As for the President of the United States, this has come as a relief when considering all the other crises that have been nagging his presidency.

“Finally, a distraction!” said Biden letting out a sigh of relief. “It was either ‘inflation crisis’ this, or ‘unemployment crisis’ that, and I don’t even want to hear the words ‘border crisis’ again. I was like– would you just shut up man?!”

Biden explained that all of this negative coverage was starting to make him look bad. He said that things like his wild federal spending, paying people not to work, and soft border policies have nothing to do with the current state of the country. “Hopefully, a good old-fashioned gas price hike and shortage will finally give me a quieter news cycle.”

“People keep directing the blame at me like I’m supposed to do something about this. But c’mon man — that ain’t the President’s job. It’s up to the American people to come together, and unify to solve this stuff,” Biden continued. “And anyway, everyone should just pony up and drive a Tesla. Get with the times, and save the planet, Jack. It’s common sense.”

At publishing time, Biden tried to sign some executive orders to increase our national cybersecurity and resume construction of the Keystone pipeline, but his pen was out of ink from all the other orders he’d signed.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Biden Proposes $2 Trillion Bill To Study What’s Causing Inflation Rates To Rise

WASHINGTON, D.C.—President Biden proposed a $2 trillion spending bill Monday for the purpose of determining the cause of rising inflation. This is Biden’s fourth proposed $2 trillion bill in as many months.

“The cause of inflation is a major concern for all Americans,” Biden told reporters. “Rest assured, your government is committed to spending however much taxpayer money it takes to get to the bottom of this malarkey!”

According to Biden, the cause of the rapid increase in inflation has been baffling his economic experts for weeks. “All we know is that some mysterious event happened around January 20th which caused inflation to skyrocket out of control,” Biden said. “We don’t know what that event was exactly, but we do suspect President Trump was involved somehow. And maybe Russia.”

Biden noted that his willingness to spend trillions to study the problem shows just how seriously he takes the threat of inflation. “I can’t remember the last time anyone proposed a $2 trillion spending bill to Congress,” he stated. “I mean that honestly: I can’t remember. Say, what were we talking about again?”

In the meantime, officials from the US Treasury as well as the CDC have advised the public to start carrying double wallets to protect their money and help slow the spread of inflation.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Shocking Study Finds Paying People Not To Work Makes People Not Want To Work

U.S.—A surprising new study released Friday found that paying people not to work made people not want to work.

Amid shockingly low job numbers released today, the study suggested that some of that low unemployment was due to the government sending everyone more money than they would have made out working a job. Some smart expert analysts are seeing a connection between incentivizing people to stay home and them staying home.

“It’s really bizarre — telling people to stay home and watch Netflix while we send them money makes people just stay home and watch Netflix while we send them money,” said one government official. “It seems that when you just send people checks they don’t really see a point to going to work.”

“We could not possibly have foreseen this.”

At publishing time, experts had recommended raising the minimum wage to $1,000,000 an hour to incentivize people to go back to work, foreseeing no negative consequences from this course of action.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

In New Cut Of Empire Strikes Back, Vader Will Now Say ‘I Am Your Non-Birthing Person!’

BURBANK, CA—Disney confirmed today that all releases of The Empire Strikes Back will be rereleased with Darth Vader delivering his iconic line “No — I am your father!” as “No — I am your non-birthing person!”

The change will be more inclusive to non-binary people, who all love Star Wars, though most of them have only seen The Last Jedi. But Disney is hopeful this will get these new loyal fans to watch the rest of the movies and buy more merchandise.

“Think about all the trans people who have had to watch Empire and suffer in silence as Vader uses the word ‘father,'” said Kathleen Kennedy. “We all know that the main thing people love about Star Wars is the love, inclusion, and… harmony? I think harmony is in Star Wars. Also dinosaurs. I’m not sure, I’ve never watched a Star War. But that is what I am told.”

Not to be outdone, Warner Bros. will release a new Inclusive Cut of the Director’s Cut of Batman vs. Superman, where Batperson is stunned to find out that Superperson’s birthing person’s name is also Martha.

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Internet Inventor Al Gore Bans Trump From Internet

MONTECITO, CA—From his cool, air-conditioned mansion, famed genius and internet inventor Al Gore held a press conference today where he officially banned Donald Trump from the internet.

“As the inventor of the internet, I hereby declare Trump banned for life,” Gore said solemnly. “He’s not allowed on Twitter, Facebook, Angelfire, MySpace, Geocities, AOL, Google, Tinder, TikTok, anything. If it’s on the internet, it’s under my domain.”

Many people aren’t aware that Gore invented the internet, but the claim is true, having been fact-checked as “double-plus true” by Snopes. One urban legend claimed that Bob Internet invented the internet in 1995, but he turned out to be a fraud. The true story is that Gore was sitting around at a White House mixer in late 1996 and was “pretty plastered.” “You know what would be totally rad?” he said, according to several witnesses. “A global system of interconnected computer networks that uses the Internet protocol suite to communicate between networks and devices.”

The DJ suddenly stopped playing “Wannabe” by the Spice Girls and the room fell silent. “That’s… that’s genius!” shouted Bill Clinton, his arms around two interns. “Let’s make it happen!” Everyone cheered and the Spice Girls song resumed. And so the internet was invented.

With Gore’s latest declaration, Trump will no longer be allowed to be within 1,000 feet of any device that has the internet, which includes smartphones, computers, and now most toasters and refrigerators.

“Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a private flight to catch,” he concluded as he walked out the backdoor to his private hangar and airstrip to board a flight to his next speech on climate change.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

CIA Replaces Waterboarding With 12-Hour Lectures On Intersectional Feminism

WASHINGTON, D.C.—According to anonymous sources, the CIA has replaced enhanced interrogation techniques such as waterboarding with something even more torturous and effective: 12-hour academic lectures on intersectional feminism.

“Waterboarding has been shown to be very effective,” said the anonymous source. “But that’s been replaced now. Now we just pop in a tape of Robin DiAngelo, Stacey Abrams, or Joy Behar. Sometimes we’ll really ramp things up and make them watch Coca-Cola’s diversity training on a 12-hour loop.”

Terror suspects will be subjected to lengthy lectures about cis-male privilege, heteronormative patriarchy, and microaggressive mansplaining. Sources say these lectures are 1,282% more effective than regular old waterboarding.

Critics have criticized the new interrogation method, saying that such cruel torture should be limited only to American universities.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

New Trump Social Media Platform To Include Verification Badges For People Who Aren’t Losers And Total Disasters

U.S.—A Trump spokesman has recently announced that Trump will soon be returning to social media with his own platform. This new “trumped-up” social media site is expected to completely change the game and will feature an all-new look and experience for users.

“We are removing the lame verification badges and replacing them with ‘People Who Aren’t Losers And Total Disasters’ badges,” Trump announced during a recent press release. “Before, anybody could get one, total losers got verified on Twitter, but not anymore. Now only the very best people will receive badges on my platform.”

“Frankly, this site is tremendous, maybe best website ever made, we’ll see. Now Americans can delete their Twitter, Facebook, and any other social media account, because this is the only one you will ever need,” Trump continued. “Now all of the smart, beautiful users can post and see only the very best information and not worry about big tech censorship.”

Trump has made it clear that news sites such as CNN and the failing New York Times will receive ‘Totally Dishonest’ badges should they decide to make an account. He explained that they would still be fact-checked even though there’s no need to bother because “we all know they will be rated completely fake and untrue no matter what they say.”

“It’s going to be an unbelievable experience for all of the supporters of everybody’s favorite president,” said Trump. “Never again will you be without my every thought.”

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Dems Committed To Utterly Destroying Black Man’s Optimism About Race Relations

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In the wake of a black man from the South expressing optimism about race in America, outraged liberals across the nation are doing everything in their power to crush that kind of positive thinking before it really gets out of hand.

“Look, black people are great and all, but they aren’t allowed to disagree with us,” explained Senator Chuck Schumer. “It’s pretty simple. Any black person who has the nerve to disagree with us is just a dumb puppet for white people. Or, as our great President once said, they aren’t even black! Now, we need liberals everywhere to remind Senator Scott that America is terrible and there is simply no way for black people to succeed without the graces of kindly Democrats. Leftist mob – assembllllllllle!”

White progressives answered the bell, crashing the airwaves with messages touting their unmatched racism. “How could a silly Senator say something like that?” laughed Jimmy Kimmel as he finished cleaning off his blackface. “I know so much more about racism than a black man from the South, especially one whose grandparents picked cotton. Don’t worry, I’ll perform a hilarious monologue for white liberals about how dumb it is for a black man to think our country is good – that will really put him back in his place!”

If being taunted by people on Twitter and humorless monologues from guys wearing blackface don’t work, Democrats claim they have other tricks up their sleeves. Ideas include bringing back school segregation, teaching elementary-aged kids that America is racist, threatening corporations with repercussions if they don’t teach employees that white people are evil, fanning flames of division between black neighborhoods and police, pushing the theory in universities that our skin color is our primary identity, flinging accusations of racism in every policy argument, and making claims that voting policies supported by the majority of black Americans are really Jim Crow, amongst others.

Sources say that Senator Scott doesn’t watch Kimmel and doesn’t care about Twitter trolls, and so far believes exactly what he believed on Wednesday: that our sin is not the end of the story.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Johnson And Johnson Rolls Out New ‘No More Clots’ Vaccine

WASHINGTON, D.C.—A spokesman for the FDA announced Friday that it was lifting the pause on the Johnson and Johnson COVID vaccine after the company reformulated the product into a trademarked No More Clots™ formula. Shares of the company jumped 5% after the announcement.

“We are pleased to announce that Johnson and Johnson’s new vaccine formula has passed all of the rigorous safety testing we could do in three days,” an FDA spokesman said. “Plus, it says ‘no more clots’ right there in the name! What could possibly go wrong?”

A spokeswoman for Johnson and Johnson said the company worked extensively with scientists in their baby shampoo division to make sure the new COVID vaccine was safe. “Our new No More Clots™ formula is as gentle to your platelets as pure water,” she said.

“It’s also 100% soap-free, dermatologist-tested, and hypoallergenic.”

The spokeswoman noted that the vaccine was tested extensively by the company’s herd of koala bears, which confirmed that the vaccine not only eliminates the risk of deadly blood clots, but also made their hair softer, shiner, and more manageable, all while maintaining a fresh smell.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Dems: ‘If America Isn’t Racist, How Do You Explain These White Hoods We’re Wearing?’

WASHINGTON, D.C.—After Senator Tim Scott said America is no longer a racist country, Democrats scrambled to prove him wrong. They quickly devastated his argument by going into storage and dusting off their old KKK hoods, which they then donned to show him just how racist America actually is.

“If America isn’t racist, would we be wearing these? Checkmate!” said Nancy Pelosi triumphantly as she solemnly put on the white hood. “Your move, Republicans.”

Chuck Schumer also put on a hood, having borrowed it from the Museum of Democratic History in D.C.

“My colleague is right — if we weren’t racist as Senator Tim Scott suggested, why would we put on these white hoods with no political repercussions whatsoever? It’s clear as day: America is racist.” Schumer went on to propose reenacting Jim Crow laws in order to dunk on Senator Scott and prove his argument “completely without merit.”

“Senator Scott is truly an ‘Uncle Tim’ after all.”

“Furthermore, we will begin instituting separate but equal Senate chambers for senators of color. Just to show them how racist America still is.” Reporters applauded Schumer for his bold move toward equality by saying and doing really racist things to show that America is still racist.

Pelosi and Schumer assured everyone they were wearing a smug look of being proven right on their faces, though you couldn’t tell. Because of the hoods.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Having Stolen Everything From Your Great-Grandchildren, Democrats Move On To Your Great-Great-Grandchildren

WASHINGTON, D.C.—After successfully plundering the dreams and futures of your great-grandchildren to pay off unions and poorly run blue states, the Democrat Party has announced they are moving on to plundering your great-great-grandchildren.

“We wanted to spend another $6 trillion, but we ran out of everyone’s great-grandkids’ money,” said Senator Chuck Schumer, “but then we found all the great-great-grandkids’ money! So much money! So we decided to spend it.”

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi also backed the legislation, saying: “Your great-great-grandkids aren’t around to stop us, which is good because spending all this money is a moral Christian imperative!”

Investigative reporters discovered, however, that Pelosi’s great-great-grandkids are actually living, as well as her great-great-great-grandkids. Sources say they have all condemned the reckless spending bills.

Pelosi then denounced her great-great-grandkids and her great-great-great-grandkids as “heartless” and “shameful.”

The House is suspected to vote on a bill next month to steal from your great-great-great-great-grandkids.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Enjoy the brand-new commercial for G.I. Pat, the genderless action hero!

In our latest video, we give you an exclusive first look at the toy commercial for G.I. Pat — the genderless version of G.I. Joe! Watch as Pat punches Nazis in the face and shoots lasers at the most evil villain of all: Mike Pence!

Do you desire a steady stream of hard-hitting news reports, animation, podcasts, and more? Subscribe to The Babylon Bee’s rapidly growing YouTube channel. We guarantee* you’ll love it!

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Pelosi Thanks Millions Of Babies For Sacrificing Their Lives For Women’s Rights

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a somber address on Tuesday, Nancy Pelosi thanked millions of aborted babies for sacrificing their lives for women’s rights.

“Thank you 60 million babies, for sacrificing your life for the noble cause of reproductive healthcare,” she began. “Because of you, and because of millions of activists around the world who came out to abort their children and fight for abortion rights, the world will remember you.”

Sources say that over 60 million unborn children have been brutally killed since the 1973 Roe V. Wade decision, which has resulted in the spread of reproductive choice for women as well as rapists all around the world. “They did not die in vain,” said Pelosi.

In additional comments, Pelosi also expressed gratefulness for the babies who have died for the noble cause of Democrat fundraising.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.