Democratic Leaders Call For New Investigation To Investigate The Investigators Investigating The Investigators

WASHINGTON, D.C.—After House Republicans formally called for an investigation into the investigators investigating the Trump campaign, congressional Democrats quickly responded by calling for a new investigation into the investigators investigating the original investigators.

The investigation will center around claims that the investigators assigned to investigate the investigators may show significant bias, with the new investigators investigating the investigation investigators attempting to determine if there has been any prejudice or corruption in the investigation investigation.

“We now know who will investigate the investigators, but who will investigate the investigators investigating the investigators?” Senator Chuck Schumer said in a press conference. “We must hold the investigators investigating the investigation accountable if we are to retain our faith in the justice system.”

At publishing time, Republican leadership had called for a fourth investigation to investigate the investigators who were tasked with investigating the investigators assigned to investigate the investigators.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

State Governors Flee In Terror As Hairstylists Wielding Shears Lead Mass Uprising

U.S.—Most people seemed to be pretty content just sitting in their homes watching their jobs disappear and having the government send them money every month, as long as more content keeps getting added to Netflix.

But hairstylists aren’t most people. They have begun what is being called the “Second American Revolution,” descending on state capitol buildings wielding scissors, shears, hairdryers, and curling irons. Governors of Democrat-controlled states fled in terror as the hairdressers, supported by barbers, bulked-up gym owners, and bizarrely strong Swedish masseuses, gathered to begin the fight for liberty.

“The hairstylists are here — run away!” cried California Governor Gavin Newsom as a woman charged him with a pair of swivel scissors. “The gun nuts don’t intimidate me, but these women — they scare me. Start the Prius!”

He leaped into his waiting hybrid, closing the door just in time as 17 different designer shears flew at him and stuck into the outside of the door.

“You may take our lives, but you’ll never take our salons! FREEDOM!” cried one woman wearing a blue face mask treatment and wearing a plaid skirt outside the Michigan state capitol in Lansing. “Chaaaaaarge!”

Governor Whitmer was forced to go into hiding but issued a statement saying any hairstylist who defies the crown and cuts hair will be drawn and quartered for treason, except, of course, her own hairstylist.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. All rights reserved.

Michigan Governor: ‘Revolting Against A Tyrannical Government Is Simply Un-American’

DETROIT, MI—On Meet the Press Sunday, Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer reminded everyone that “revolutions and revolts are simply un-American.”

Whitmer called on the protesters in her state to stop their illegal assembling, reminding them that protesting so-called tyranny is a foreign idea to the history of the United States.

“Protesting and revolting against your wise rulers goes against everything America was built on,” she said. “It flies in the face of every American tradition. Revolting against tyranny has no place in this great country.”

Governor Whitmer then rattled off a long list of things that she also believes to be un-American:

  • Declaring independence from tyrants
  • Having a list of protected rights
  • Separation of powers
  • Democratically elected leaders
  • Freedom of religion, assembly, the press, protests, and speech.
  • Federalism
  • Apple pie
  • Baseball
  • America

“If you’re really Americans, you’ll stop with this dangerous revolutionary activity,” she concluded.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Biden Campaign Hires Interpreter To Translate His Speeches Into English

U.S.—The Biden campaign is facing a real communication problem as Joe Biden’s speeches are growing more and more nonsensical. In order to overcome this challenge, aides have hired an interpreter to translate everything he says into normal, human-style English.

“My fellow Americans, pickle hamster meatloaf. The thing. Potato!” Biden began.

“My fellow Americans, thank you for being here this evening,” the interpreter translated.

Biden continued: “This pandemic has cost us more than 85,000 jobs as of today. Lives of millions of people. Millions of people. Millions of jobs.” He then nodded at the translator to interpret that into something resembling plain English.

“Uh… the, uh, pandemic has cost us tens of millions of jobs, and 85,000 have tragically lost their lives,” she interpreted frantically.

But she struggled to keep up as his speech got less and less coherent.

“Peanut butter M&Ms and my fellow U.S. Americans in the Iraq. Platypus!” was translated as “We must make sure Donald Trump does not continue to rob America of its future,” while “Farley farley farley farley farley hufaaaaaaaar!” was translated as “I am the best choice to beat Donald Trump.”

As Biden’s speech concluded, he said farewell: “Ekki-Ekki-Ekki-Ekki-PTANG. Zoom-Boing. Z’ nourrwringmm!”

“God bless you, and God bless America.”

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Biden Unveils Vote-By-Telegram Proposal

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Joe Biden has unveiled his new proposal for Americans to cast their votes via telegram.

The confused, elderly candidate announced the plan in a speech today.

“Voting by the ol’ telegram is guaranteed to eliminate all kinds of malarkey,” Biden said. “I’d like to see the Russians try to hack the ol’ Western Union system. It’s unhackable, totally unhackable. When I was a young lad, we hooligans would hop on the ol’ party line and listen in to the neighborhood gossip, as was the custom at the time. But the telegraph, now that’s a safe system.”

Frantic aides tried to shut down the video feed, but Biden kept going.

“Heck, if I had it my way, we’d do it via Pony Express. We could ride the ballots through the night, through rain, sleet, and snow, outrunning bandits and Indians and all sorts of shenanigans. Ah, those were the days.”

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

White House Installs Obamagate To Keep Out Obama

WASHINGTON, D.C.—“OBAMAGATE!” President Trump posted on Twitter, announcing that he had installed a new gate specially designed to keep out Barack Obama.

“That Obama is always trying to get in here to spy on me!” Trump further told the press. “And he’s wily. But this new gate will make sure he never gets in here. Greatest gate ever!”

The Obamagate is said to be advanced enough to keep out Barack Obama despite all his evil plotting. Furthermore, it should work on other Obamas as well, also keeping out Michelle Obama and the former first couple’s daughters if for some reason they tried to sneak into the White House.

“No more worrying about Obama, thanks to the Obamagate!” Trump boasted to the press. “In fact, the guy who installed it told me things are now so secure, I can completely let my guard down!” Trump then pointed to the person who installed the gate, a mustached man named Oarack Bbama.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column from The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Comey: ‘We Did Not Spy—We Just Observed And Reported Secretly Without The Subject’s Knowledge Or Consent’

WASHINGTON, D.C.—After Attorney General Barr suggested that the FBI and other agencies spied on Donald Trump’s 2016 campaign, former FBI director James Comey fired back.

“We did not spy,” he told reporters as he stretched for his morning yoga class. “We just observed and reported secretly without the subject’s knowledge or consent.”

“See, I’ve never considered that spying,” he added as he formed the “downward dog” pose. “That’s just kind of secret watching. It’s definitely not the same thing. When you spy, you watch someone without their knowledge. When you secret-watch, you just kind of secretly watch them.”

“If we redefined spying to include all secret watching, we would have to include all the watching of American citizens on a daily basis as spying, and that probably wouldn’t be good for our public image.”

He then asked reporters if they would take a picture of him looking pensively up at the trees.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Several States Issue Orders Requiring People To Run Around In Giant Hamster Balls

U.S.— Americans in several states are readily adopting new social distancing measures that will guarantee that no one ever gets sick again. California, New York, Michigan and Washington state legislatures have all issued new orders to their citizens to indefinitely don a plastic hamster ball whenever they decide to travel outside their home.  The human-sized hamster balls are made to be impervious to all foreign particulate matter from the outside world including viruses, bacteria, and oxygen.

“I guess if it keeps everybody safe, we have to accept the new normal,” said Carol from Seattle, WA, as she attempted to climb into the hollow sphere and snap the plastic portal back into a tight seal so she could get over to the grocery store.  When she reached her car she quickly realized that she could not open her car door, or indeed interact with her car at all in any way, so she began the 2 mile journey to the store with a carefully executed controlled roll down her driveway.

The hollow safety spheres are creating a stir and cities are quickly scrambling to invent new traffic codes and install “tracks” along the roads that cars were once allowed to travel in order to minimize collisions and the occasional hamster ball getting stuck in a culvert or sliding off into a ditch.

“This is just the way things have to be and anyone who disagrees just wants grandmas to die,” declared Governor of Michigan, Gretchen Whitmer. “My conscience is as clear as these plastic safety spheres,” she said as she pointed to the recently added selection of human-sized hamster balls right next to the seeds and gardening tools which were still behind a rope barrier and various signs deeming those items non-essential.

Citizens will have to travel to the store somehow to purchase the safety spheres and there is a grace period until everyone is able to pick one up.

“You can walk into a store with a mask, but you have to roll out in a safety sphere,” declared Governor Andrew Cuomo.

“You don’t want to be carried out in a coffin do you?” the governor added.

At publishing time, it was unclear if the order would cease to be necessary at some point or if this was just how things have to be from now on.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Trump Announces All Reporters At White House Press Briefings Must Wear MAGA Masks

WASHINGTON, D.C.—President Trump today announced that “out of an abundance of caution” all reporters present at White House press briefings must wear MAGA masks. All who entered the briefing area were asked to remove any personal masks and to instead don one of the new red masks with “Make America Great Again” embroidered into the fabric.

“These are the best masks, everyone agrees. Really spectacular. They have sunlight, UV rays, disinfectant. Good stuff. They smell great too. Really, really good stuff. The best,” Trump explained.

Many reporters complained that the masks were “too insulated” and “made it impossible to comment or ask questions.” President Trump said this issue did not concern him at this time.


There’s no better way to protect against coronavirus and trigger libs than a MAGA mask. Get your actual, very real, not satirical Make America Great Again mask here.


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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Newly Mustachioed Bill De Blasio Unveils Special Red Armbands For Police Enforcing Lockdown

NEW YORK, NY—Having let his facial hair grow freely for several weeks, New York Mayor Bill De Blasio held a press conference this morning where he unveiled special red armbands for police enforcing the city’s quarantine on the Jewish community.

“The red armband represents our commitment to public health,” he said. “City workers and police who want to show their loyalty to making sure undesirable groups are not breaking quarantine will be asked to wear the bands for easy identification.”

“The third glorious era of New York will reign triumphant!” he cried, banging on his lectern. “Together we can reclaim the glories of our once-great kingdom!”

The mayor also suggesting some kind of camp that could concentrate on the Jews, as well as maybe some way to identify them in public so people could keep away from “undesirable” contact with them. “We could take them to the camp on the subway trains.”

Some are saying the move represents bad optics for the city’s mayor. But he didn’t seem to see any issue with the bands, saying they simply helped identify the special squadrons of police that would focus on the Jewish community. “We’ll call them the S.S. for short,” he said.

He also announced his plans to invade Poland.

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EDITORS NOTE:  This political satire by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

YouTube Removing All Videos That Don’t Begin With The Chinese National Anthem

SAN BRUNO, CA—In light of the ongoing fight to halt the spread of dangerous or yucky opinions, YouTube CEO Susan Wojcicki has announced new changes to Google’s video-sharing platform. Starting next week, any video that does not begin with the glorious strains of China’s uplifting national anthem will be immediately deleted from the platform.

“China is leading the world in not being evil,” said Wojcicki in an interview as she showed off her new Chinese flag ankle tattoo. “They are, like, really good at human rights, and they have such a handsome president. It’s only right that we acknowledge the great and glorious Red Dragon of the East in each and every video on our platform!”

YouTube creators will now be required to personally sing the Chinese Anthem while facing east before each and every video. They will also be required to hang a picture of President Xi in the background. In a press conference in which she wore her new CEO uniform featuring a Chinese military jacket covered with medals, Wojcicki insisted that this is a “modest, reasonable, and totally not evil” step for YouTube to take.

Controversy arose, however, when it was discovered that the opening lines of the anthem begin with the extremely problematic words: “With our flesh and blood, let us build this new Great Wall!” Wojcicki has assured stockholders that this is in no way an endorsement of Trump’s border wall.

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EDITORS  NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Judge Dismisses Sexual Assault Allegations Against Biden On Grounds That He Is Not A Republican

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Democratic presumptive presidential nominee Joe Biden was cleared in federal court today of charges that some claimed were based upon credible allegations of sexual assault when the judge quickly realized that Joe Biden was not a Republican.

“Well, this looks pretty serious… let’s see who is on—wait a minute. He’s a Democrat! I can find no fault with him,” declared a fourth circuit federal judge hearing preliminary claims.

“It is well established in this court that Republicans are the ones who want to silence women and control their bodies. Haven’t you seen The Handmaid’s Tale?” the judge further added before banging down the gavel.

The bailiff immediately grabbed the female accuser by the collar and threw her up into the air out onto the sidewalk, just like in the cartoons.

The allegations against then-Senator Joe Biden date back to 1993. Several other people had corroborated key details relating to the seriousness and timing of the intern’s story including a discovered CNN clip of her mother calling The Larry King Show and a neighbor confirming that the woman had told her at the time what had happened. However, this circumstantial evidence of vile behavior, even interpreted under the generous standard of “believe all women” set by the government in prior cases involving Republicans, was declared to only be valid if the alleged perpetrator was a greedy, evil Republican.

“This is a victory for the judicial standard in our country of assuming the accused are innocent until proven guilty in a court of law,” stated Alyssa Milano. “We always need to maintain this standard of maintaining silence and withholding judgment on such cases when it is convenient and maintains our narratives.”

“I believe and hear you, Joe” she added.

At publishing time, celebrities were circulating a video in which they were singing individual lines of “Imagine” off-key in support of the rich, old, white male Democrat who was promising to take down the bad orange man.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. © All rights reserved.

Democrats Warn We Shouldn’t Reopen The Country Until We Can Be Safe From Trump Getting Credit For A Good Economy

WASHINGTON, D.C.—While President Trump and some Republican governors are pushing to reopen the country soon, Democrats are much more cautious as they see a looming disaster if America ends the shutdown early: Trump getting credit for a growing economy.

“Right now, we have record joblessness, and GDP is certainly going to take a huge hit,” said Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi. “That’s exactly what you want in an election year when you’re running against an incumbent. If we reverse that too soon, we’re basically helping Trump’s reelection.”

“If we reopen now, it could be an absolute disaster,” added Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer. “We could have people in November saying, ‘Wow. Things are getting better. Trump is doing a great job.’ It’s hard to imagine anything worse than that.”

Pelosi and Schumer said that “out of an abundance of caution,” they need to wait to make sure things stay pretty bad until after the election, as that will be the only way to stave off another Trump term.

“Oh, and I guess if we reopen things too soon,” Schumer added as an afterthought, “it could also lead to a resurgence of people dying.”

“Well, we’d have to hope,” Pelosi said, “or it would look like Trump knows what he’s doing.”

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column from The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. © All rights reserved.

Trump Says To Drink Lots Of Water, Media Reports He Told Everyone To Drown Themselves

WASHINGTON, D.C.—At his press conference last night, President Trump told everyone to stay hydrated and drink lots of water.

“Water’s tremendous, very powerful stuff,” he said. “You won’t believe the things they can do with water. Water balloons. Water slides. Water beds. It’s amazing. You can freeze it and make ice, I’m told. Ice is great for lots of things. Ice cream. Ice cubes. Igloos.”

“Anyway, drink water.”

Horrified journalists scrambled to warn Americans not to drown themselves in their pools and bathtubs.

“Trump says water is good — but this is very misleading,” said Rachel Maddow. “Did you know that water kills many people every year? These dangerous, unhinged remarks from the president could cause many to drown themselves. Plus, do you know what’s hidden in water? Sharks. This president wants you to die from a shark attack!”

Representatives for various bottled water companies quickly released a statement distancing themselves from the president’s remarks and warning everyone not to submerge themselves in the ocean for minutes at a time.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. All rights reserved.

AOC Drops By Unemployment Office To Tell People How Lucky They Are Not To Have Oppressive Jobs

NEW YORK, NY—In a rare visit to her district, Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez dropped by the unemployment office to explain to everyone why losing their jobs was actually a good thing.

Ocasio-Cortez explained how those who had worked for oil companies were involved in an inherently evil industry. Furthermore, she said, by losing their jobs, they were pushing America closer and closer to a socialist utopia where nobody works. Finally, she told them they had thrown off the capitalist shackles of work and income.

“What a great turnout today!” she said cheerily as she turned on her megaphone, though she was shouting into it backward until an aide helped her turn it around. “Work and income are capitalist constructs! You should be thankful! I’m just so excited to see that everyone here, like, is totally ready for a socialist workers’ paradise. Like, if nobody works, then the government just has to pay for our stuff, because, like, otherwise, money wouldn’t exist.”

Nobody seemed to understand her, but she pressed on. “Anyway, just keep fighting the good fight and topple our capitalist overlords!”

“You love to see it!”

She tripped on her shoelaces and fell on the way out, but an aide was ready to free her with a pair of scissors he always keeps handy just for such an occasion.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. © All rights reserved.