Brave: Chris Wallace Comes Out Of Closet As Fake News Journalist
ATLANTA, GA—After being in the closet for over 18 years at Fox News, news anchor Chris Wallace has come out officially as a fake news journalist. After being turned down by The Babylon Bee, Wallace will make the move over to CNN’s new streaming service.
“I attempted real news for a long time, but I was living a lie,” said Wallace in his official statement on Fox News. “It’s time for me to finally be honest with the world and live out my truth. It’s time for me to finally show the world who I really am: a fake news journalist.”
Journalist advocacy groups applauded Wallace’s brave move as a “huge step” for fake news journalists everywhere.
CNN will feature Chris Wallace on its new streaming platform, which promises to be even more fake than their cable news service. Other anchors will include Jussie Smollett, Chelsea Clinton, Joy Behar, and Big Bird from Sesame Street.
Fox News applauded Wallace for his bravery and thanked him for the inevitable ratings boost.
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Seriously though, Wallace is like a Russian-Manchurian-Isalmic sleeper-cell plant. I mean, it was hard for him through those eighteen years to conceal his true feelings, but the truth only came out slowly over time. Suddenly, the trigger kicked and Wallace agrees to anchor a paid service for an organization that has a hard time attracting viewers for free content. What could possibly go wrong?