New Minnie Mouse Pantsuit Design Includes Baton For Beating Uyghur Prisoners

PARIS—Minnie Mouse will be sporting a new look this March for Women’s History Month when she finalizes her divorce from Mickey and becomes an independent businesswoman in a pantsuit. The new outfit comes with a stylish baton for beating Uyghur prisoners who miss their manufacturing quota.

The announcement is part of Disneyland Paris’ 30th-anniversary celebration, which will also feature “Guard Dog Pluto” chasing around Uyghur chipmunks.

Anne Hidalgo, the current mayor of Paris, has praised Disney’s redesign of its iconic female mouse. “Paris is a utopia where women have never been sexualized,” she said in a statement. “I’m grateful for the bravery Disney has shown by changing the costume of a cartoon mouse.”

“The Walt Disney Company has worked hard to make sure women feel less feminine every day so that they can be equal to or greater than men,” said Disney PR Associate Cheryldyne Finiqua. “It is also important that we remind China how much we support them. We think this new Minnie Mouse kills two birds with one stone.”

According to sources, if fan response to Minnie’s new look is positive she’ll abandon her femininity entirely and become a man in June, just in time for Pride Month.

“Who knows, she may even be the next president of France,” joked President Emmanuel Macron. “But seriously, don’t vote for her.”

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