Brittney Griner Rewarded With 9 Years Of Not Hearing The U.S. National Anthem
MOSCOW — WNBA star Brittney Griner has been found guilty of drug trafficking charges in Russia. The judge has sentenced Griner to 9 years in a Russian penal colony where she will never have to hear America’s national anthem being played.
“I’m thrilled with this ruling,” said Griner to reporters. “For 9 years I will be free from the systemic racism of America and will never have to hear that awful national anthem being played. I look forward to living out the next decade far away in beautiful Russia.”
Sources close to Griner say she is also thrilled that she got the exact same sentence a man would have gotten for the exact same crime. “In Russia, they really seem to care about closing the sentencing gap between men and women,” she said.
Russian authorities say Griner will be given special tasks around the penal colony, such as reaching things on high shelves, pruning the tops of trees, and breaking large rocks into little rocks.
“I just want to say thank you to Vladimir Putin for saving me from the racist hellhole that is the United States, if only for 9 years,” said Griner.
At publishing time, President Biden proposed bringing Griner back home by exchanging her for Hunter Biden.
A Babylon Bee subscriber contributed to this report. If you want to get involved with the staff writers at The Babylon Bee, check out our membership options here!
RELATED POLITICAL SATIRE ARTICLES:
10 Ways To Communicate Without Giving Your Money To Woke Corporations
FBI Adds Itself To FBI Watch List
Monkeypox Symbol Added To Pride Flag
Biden: ‘We Are In A Pandemic Of The Quadruple Vaccinated’
EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.
Leave a Reply
Want to join the discussion?Feel free to contribute!