NEW YORK, NY—After conducting several trials, Pfizer has announced that their vaccine is now almost as safe for kids as getting COVID is. “We are very proud of this achievement,” said a Pfizer spokesperson. “We can now confidently say that there is only a very small chance your child will suffer life-altering complications or death […]
WASHINGTON, D.C.—After hearing from his advisors that the Texas Republicans are exactly like the Taliban, President Biden immediately offered an unconditional surrender to them. “Oh man, they’re exactly like the Taliban? I surrender!” a frightened Biden said after one of his cabinet members quipped that the “backward” Republicans in Texas are “just like the Taliban.” “I will […]
LOS ANGELES, CA—One day after Governor Newsom fended off recall and secured the continuation of his reign, swarms of Californians descended upon Los Angeles International Airport desperate to escape. As planes filled and people began getting turned away, mothers attempted to pass their babies over the fence of the tarmac, and others clung to the landing […]
SACRAMENTO, CA—The nation is cheering this morning after Gavin Newsom defeated a recall election, ensuring that the Democrat Newsom fans who live there will stay put. “We were getting ready to escape the state if a black man had been elected governor,” said one local insane Communist Democrat Newsom fan while taking his morning poop […]
CUPERTINO, CA—During the much-anticipated unveiling of the new iPhone 13 at this year’s Apple Event, CEO Tim Cook revealed that the newest model and iOS will ask users to confirm vaccination status before unlocking the screen. “We here at Apple are doing our part to keep you safe by keeping our sacred products out of […]
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Democrats in Congress have condemned the recent election integrity law passed in Texas. In addition to the laws being extremely racist, misogynistic, and homophobic, Democrat politicians are saying that such laws will lead to a devastating decline in cheating. “Cheating is the lifeblood of LGBTQ+ culture, and ballot harvesting is the cornerstone of black American […]
WUHAN—Well, this can’t be good: an investigative journalist—a real one, not a “journalist” who complains about pronouns in videogames on Twitter—managed to infiltrate the Wuhan Institute of Virology. What they saw concerned them: for one thing, there appeared to be multiple vials of a mysterious substance, all of them labeled “Save for 2024 election.” Someone […]
President Biden is drunk with power after announcing a vaccine mandate and our sources reveal he’s already working on more! Are you ready? Here is a list of mandates Biden reportedly has planned for this year: 1) For the entire month of October, all foods must be pumpkin spice flavor: Biden is a fan of pumpkin spice […]
WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a speech today, Joe Biden unveiled a brand new program to force the rest of the country to get vaccinated, entitled “Your Body, My Choice.” “Listen folks, make mistake. Uh, make no mistake,” said the President, reading carefully off the teleprompter. “I have complete control and sole authority over everything you do with […]
PORTLAND, OR—Henry Trudeau is passionately pro-union. He changes his profile picture to support unions that are going on strike and browses Twitter to voice his support for teachers’ unions, ironworkers’ unions, and any other union that gets involved in a labor dispute. He likes unions so much, in fact, that he decided to go all […]
KABUL—Nancy Pelosi landed at the airport in Kabul today on a mission to reach out to stranded Americans there. She’s not on a rescue mission or there to provide any relief, though, and is instead lecturing them on how bad January 6 was. “We have to educate these people on how bad that insurrection was,” […]
ATLANTA, GA—After a tumultuous 3 weeks and a botched withdrawal from Afghanistan, internal polls now indicate that Biden’s approval rating among those who work at CNN has fallen to an all-time low of 98%. “This is extremely concerning,” said CNN president Jeffrey Zucker. “In spite of our best efforts to support our dear president, his approval […]
NEW YORK, NY—Furious progressives working at Planned Parenthood warned today that Texas’ new abortion limitations will inordinately affect minority communities, and if they were to stand, could lead to more minorities being allowed to live. “This terrible law that keeps babies from having their heads crushed will particularly affect poor communities of color,” said Brenda Davis, Planned Parenthood […]
DOVER, DE—While speculation has circled about President Biden checking his watch during the dignified transfer of fallen soldiers, sources in the administration have confirmed that in fact, he was only looking to see if he still had blood on his hands. Despite attempting to blame Trump, climate change, and the Afghani people themselves, at the end […]
WASHINGTON, D.C.—The Biden administration announced today the long-running informal slogan of the United States military, that no man will be left behind, is going to be changed to “hundreds of Americans left behind.” The new slogan will more accurately describe the activities of the military under the Biden administration as they leave behind American citizens […]