PORTLAND, OR—It’s been a busy day for progressive Stuart Garner. After spending most of the day fighting to have certain books banned and trying to stop unfettered free speech, he wound down by accusing those opposed to him of being Nazis. “There’s just so much to do,” Garner said. “There are all these books no […]
ALBANY, NY—Governor Andrew Cuomo has found himself in the middle of a sex scandal. When he found himself in hot water last year, though, for killing a bunch of seniors, he released a book about it. So, he called up his literary agent and quickly got a book proposal together. He landed a cool seven-figure […]
U.S.—Experts have issued a dire warning to the nation that the lifting of mask mandates, business closures, and capacity limits in Texas and Mississippi could contribute to the spread of liberty across the nation. “As states like Texas begin to lift their mandates, we could be seeing a deadly outbreak of freedom, liberty, and personal […]
U.S.—Leftist protesters began to riot, mostly peacefully, over the start of Women’s History Month, since the hateful tradition implies there is such a thing as men and women. “Women’s History Month is perpetuating the toxic idea that there is a biological category called ‘women’!!!” screamed one woman at a riot in Portland. “It’s time for this […]
ALBANY, NY—New York Governor Andrew Cuomo apologized this weekend for his long-standing habit of sexually abusing young women he holds power over. And while that all sounds quite bad, Governor Cuomo did make it clear to the public that he always wore a mask and socially distanced during these interactions– a fact that has some […]
WASHINGTON, D.C.—President Joe Biden has in his first one hundred days hit a milestone of every American presidency — bombing the Middle East. This has been met with praise from former President Barack Obama, who, in a symbolic gesture, handed over his Nobel Peace Prize to Biden. “Here, you deserve this now,” said Obama to […]
ATLANTA, GA—Coca-Cola held training last week telling its polar bear mascots to be less white, sources within the company confirmed Thursday. A leaked slideshow trains the polar bears to stop being so white and to be more like black and brown bears. “You must all be less white,” said the diversity trainer, polar bear Roarbin […]
CARRIZO SPRINGS, TX—Biden has finally ended the cruel and long-standing Trump practice of keeping migrant kids in cages, and has elected to move them into much more compassionate “high-security metal containment cubes.” “We are proud of our cute little containment cubes,” said Kamala Harris while loudly laughing for some inexplicable reason. “Look at them all […]
More and more corporations are requiring their employees to be less white, in an attempt to stop racism forever. But it’s hard to know how to do that, since at first blush, that SEEMS really racist and impossible. But it’s not. It’s actually really easy if you follow these seven simple steps: 1. Burn all […]
WASHINGTON, D.C.—In spite of Democrats’ best efforts to curb the use of fossil fuels, stubborn Americans continue to use them to power their automobiles and heat their homes. Biden is responding to this crisis with an ambitious new plan to raise the price of gas to $100 per gallon by the end of his first […]
CANCUN—Ted Cruz is really ignorant of how to be a politician. The guy traveled during a crisis in his state, and he isn’t even a Democrat. What an idiot! The media informed Cruz of his faux pas as soon as he landed in the Yucatán Peninsula, shouting at him that he’s not allowed to travel […]
WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a recent presidential town hall on CNN, Biden appeared to excuse the treatment of Jews in Hitler’s concentration camps due to “differences in cultural norms.” “Listen, folks– I was just on the phone with Adolf and I was like, ‘Hey, man! You know that whole thing with the camps? You and I may not […]
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Journalists around the nation erupted in boisterous cheers when White House Press Secretary, Jen Psaki, announced that the gulags will be run by a woman of color. The announcement came as a result of an unscripted moment when a reporter relayed to Psaki a question from a concerned citizen back home, “What is President Biden […]
WASHINGTON D.C.—In what Democrats are calling a “brilliant compromise for gun safety,” President Biden has signed an executive order allowing everyone to keep as many guns as they want– as long as the barrels are tied in a knot. “Come on, man! I’m not against the 2nd Amendment!” said Biden to the bust of Cesar Chavez […]
U.S.—President Donald Trump made history once again today after being acquitted in his second Senate impeachment trial. He is now the most acquitted president in American history. Donald Trump issued a statement regarding this incredible honor. “I have been completely and totally cleared of all wrongdoing in this pathetic witchhunt sham impeachment trial,” said Trump. “I […]