WASHINGTON, D.C.—In the days following the Colonial Pipeline hack, gas stations have begun to run out of fuel, creating a panic for many. As for the President of the United States, this has come as a relief when considering all the other crises that have been nagging his presidency. “Finally, a distraction!” said Biden letting […]
WASHINGTON, D.C.—President Biden proposed a $2 trillion spending bill Monday for the purpose of determining the cause of rising inflation. This is Biden’s fourth proposed $2 trillion bill in as many months. “The cause of inflation is a major concern for all Americans,” Biden told reporters. “Rest assured, your government is committed to spending however […]
U.S.—A surprising new study released Friday found that paying people not to work made people not want to work. Amid shockingly low job numbers released today, the study suggested that some of that low unemployment was due to the government sending everyone more money than they would have made out working a job. Some smart […]
BURBANK, CA—Disney confirmed today that all releases of The Empire Strikes Back will be rereleased with Darth Vader delivering his iconic line “No — I am your father!” as “No — I am your non-birthing person!” The change will be more inclusive to non-binary people, who all love Star Wars, though most of them have only seen The […]
MONTECITO, CA—From his cool, air-conditioned mansion, famed genius and internet inventor Al Gore held a press conference today where he officially banned Donald Trump from the internet. “As the inventor of the internet, I hereby declare Trump banned for life,” Gore said solemnly. “He’s not allowed on Twitter, Facebook, Angelfire, MySpace, Geocities, AOL, Google, Tinder, […]
WASHINGTON, D.C.—According to anonymous sources, the CIA has replaced enhanced interrogation techniques such as waterboarding with something even more torturous and effective: 12-hour academic lectures on intersectional feminism. “Waterboarding has been shown to be very effective,” said the anonymous source. “But that’s been replaced now. Now we just pop in a tape of Robin DiAngelo, […]
U.S.—A Trump spokesman has recently announced that Trump will soon be returning to social media with his own platform. This new “trumped-up” social media site is expected to completely change the game and will feature an all-new look and experience for users. “We are removing the lame verification badges and replacing them with ‘People Who […]
WASHINGTON, D.C.—In the wake of a black man from the South expressing optimism about race in America, outraged liberals across the nation are doing everything in their power to crush that kind of positive thinking before it really gets out of hand. “Look, black people are great and all, but they aren’t allowed to disagree […]
WASHINGTON, D.C.—A spokesman for the FDA announced Friday that it was lifting the pause on the Johnson and Johnson COVID vaccine after the company reformulated the product into a trademarked No More Clots™ formula. Shares of the company jumped 5% after the announcement. “We are pleased to announce that Johnson and Johnson’s new vaccine formula […]
WASHINGTON, D.C.—After Senator Tim Scott said America is no longer a racist country, Democrats scrambled to prove him wrong. They quickly devastated his argument by going into storage and dusting off their old KKK hoods, which they then donned to show him just how racist America actually is. “If America isn’t racist, would we be […]
WASHINGTON, D.C.—After successfully plundering the dreams and futures of your great-grandchildren to pay off unions and poorly run blue states, the Democrat Party has announced they are moving on to plundering your great-great-grandchildren. “We wanted to spend another $6 trillion, but we ran out of everyone’s great-grandkids’ money,” said Senator Chuck Schumer, “but then we found all […]
In our latest video, we give you an exclusive first look at the toy commercial for G.I. Pat — the genderless version of G.I. Joe! Watch as Pat punches Nazis in the face and shoots lasers at the most evil villain of all: Mike Pence! Do you desire a steady stream of hard-hitting news reports, […]
WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a somber address on Tuesday, Nancy Pelosi thanked millions of aborted babies for sacrificing their lives for women’s rights. “Thank you 60 million babies, for sacrificing your life for the noble cause of reproductive healthcare,” she began. “Because of you, and because of millions of activists around the world who came out to abort […]
SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—According to sources, local English major Charlie Miller was able to ace her final exam by simply writing in the word “racism!” for every answer. “Yeah, I completely forgot to study last night so I figured I would try it,” she said. “90% of my lectures this year were just hour-long sessions of my professor […]
MONTPELIER, VT—In an address from one of his homes, Bernie Sanders condemned BLM co-founder Patrisse Cullors for getting rich off politics and buying four homes. After it came out that the co-founder of the movement had purchased multiple large homes, Sanders quickly held a press conference condemning her “callous and unfair profiteering.” “No one in […]