MINNEAPOLIS, MN—The Minneapolis City Council has voted unanimously for the equitable distribution of looting passports to peaceful protestors. “It can be confusing for citizens to know if a crime is acceptable or not based on the ebb and flow of the City Council’s agenda,” said Councilperson Maria Saliva. “With looting passports, protestors can know when […]
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg has proposed a novel plan for promoting equality in our nation’s highways system, which literally has racism built into its DNA. His new plan promises to even things out for people of color by giving each race their own lane. “Each race will be asked to stay in their lane,” […]
WASHINGTON, D.C.—During a press conference today in which President Biden announced new executive action on gun control, he made an emotional plea to Americans, making his case that the action was needed. In particular, he claimed that gun shows are “free-for-alls” where anyone can just go in and pick up a nuclear missile. “Anybody can […]
MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—Tech giant Google announced today that they are removing the entire state of Georgia from their Google Maps platform, effective immediately. This comes in response to the state’s recent voter law that many are calling racist. “We cannot allow these racist laws to stand,” said a spokesman from the Google Office of Diversity, […]
U.S.—With Secretary of Transportation Pete Buttigieg proposing a national tax based on how many miles you drive in your car, budget-minded drivers will be able to activate new features in their cars that will warn them when they’re about to exceed their budgeted miles for the month. “This is a great way to keep the […]
U.S.—Service stations across the country have begun widening their signs in preparation for higher gas prices, sources confirmed Thursday. The wider signs allow for prices up to eight digits long, “an absolute necessity” for the Biden presidency, according to local fuel station franchise owners. “We’re gonna need a bigger sign,” gas station owner Amir Wallenfeld […]
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Howard University has announced a very special virtual event that will be broadcast to college students this week. One of the hotly anticipated discussions will feature Kamala Harris and Harvey Weinstein as they talk about empowering women and girls. “Listen– I like girls. All kinds of beautiful young girls– empowering them, I mean,” said Weinstein, […]
Our First Comedy Sketch is Live! Mark your calendar for this historic day. The Babylon Bee is dipping its toes in sketch comedy. In our first video, watch as teachers’ union members pummel their lawyer with a few “simple” demands before they’re willing to reopen schools. And if you are a paid Babylon Bee subscriber, […]
Every time something bad happens, we start thinking, “What was the real motivation here? Was this just a terrible tragedy, or was it really… [dramatic pause] … WHITE SUPREMACY?” The answer of course, is almost always white supremacy, but we still have to ask. Here are nine disasters from history that were actually motivated by […]
MOSCOW—Vladimir Putin has challenged Joe Biden to a contest of wits, strength, and cunning: a stair-ascending contest. The winner of the contest will gain control of the other country. “Stair-ascending contest, me and you, right now, let’s go,” said Putin as he met with the American president. “He who wins become supreme glorious leader forever […]
EL PASO, TX—Many are starting to call the migrant surge at the southern border a “crisis” as more people continue to arrive and detention centers overflow. It is currently unclear who caused this crisis, but some critics are suggesting it may have something to do with all the “Free Stuff, Come On In” signs Biden […]
U.S.—After an aggressive campaign from English teachers across the nation condemning William Shakespeare for “misogyny, racism, homophobia, and classism,” one local university has decided to remove Shakespeare from their English literature curriculum. They will be replacing him with group readings of Ibram X. Kendi’s seminal masterpiece, Antiracist Baby. “The fact that Shakespeare is considered the greatest English writer in […]
WASHINGTON, D.C.—A group of cartel members presented Joe Biden with its prestigious “Human Trafficker of the Month” award today, marking the third month in a row the new president has received the award. Democrat presidents are constant recipients of the honor, usually winning the award many dozens of times throughout their time in office, and […]
WASHINGTON, D.C.—In his address to the nation yesterday, President Joe Biden said if everyone is very good this year, he’ll allow Americans to have some limited freedoms on July 4. “If you are all good boys and girls, we can have a few freedoms back on the fourth of July,” he said. “It’ll be a […]
Have you or a loved one had a baby recently? We hate to say this, but you may have just brought a white supremacist into the world. Don’t worry though– we’re here to help! It’s important to always look for clues of racist tendencies in your newborn so you can nip that in the bud! Here are the troubling […]