WASHINGTON, D.C. — With midterm elections fast approaching, Democrats are rushing to pass key elements of their legislative agenda before they’re voted out of office in November. To serve that goal, Democrats proudly unveiled the “Raise Gas Prices Even Higher And Make More Kids Trans” bill on the steps of the Capitol this morning. “We […]
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The famed Impractical Jokers comedy quartet managed to get access to President Biden’s cheat sheet today, quickly plunging the nation into chaos. The Jokers fell on the floor laughing as they made Biden do increasingly outlandish things. “Okay, start with a card saying ‘YOU pick HER nose,” said James Murray, cackling as Biden took […]
GENEVA — The World Economic Forum experienced a major blunder during a recent symposium when the institution’s banner slipped, revealing the tentacled HYDRA logo. The blooper occurred during a symposium in which a small number of elite intellectuals discussed enslaving and depopulating the earth as a humane method for reducing climate change. Attendees initially felt […]
Fathers are the forgotten heroes of this world. Mothers get all the glory (and with good reason!) but there are still some great benefits to being a dad. For example, free hugs whenever you want! Brought to you by: Dad Saves America. Here are more great benefits for your consideration: Each one has a […]
U.S. – Following the overturning of Roe v. Wade, Democrats nationwide have been accusing the Supreme Court of taking rights from “women.” Onlookers have confirmed this to be confusing, as it seems to suggest that Democrats do in fact know what a woman is. “Women today have less freedom than their mothers!” Nancy Pelosi took the […]
WASHINGTON, D.C. – Democrats have temporarily pushed pause on the January 6th hearings in order to lead an insurrection against the federal government. “On January 6th, a branch of our federal government was almost overthrown because politicians used dangerous rhetoric that caused – wait, hold on everyone, I just got the update. Roe‘s been overturned!” said […]
WASHINGTON, D.C.—According to sources, Biden was seen outside a gas station this afternoon yelling at the big price sign to lower its prices. “Come on, man! I ain’t kidding around here! No joke! You gotta lower your prices! Do the right thing for God’s sake!” said Biden as he shook his fist at the giant sign. […]
Bernie Sanders famously said that “real” socialism has never been tried. Frankly, we’re shocked he would ever suggest such a thing because there are numerous examples of real socialist utopias that we have to pull from. Here are just a few: 1) Star Trek’s Federation of Planets: There’s no money, but people still work for some […]
In light of recent shootings, Congress is considering red flag laws they’ve secretly been wanting to pass for decades. This means that even though you have a right to bear arms guaranteed by the US Constitution, they can make exceptions based on a list of criteria they come up with—namely, red flags. Here are twelve […]
U.S.—Americans are facing yet another basic necessity shortage under the Biden Administration. This time a tampon shortage has struck the nation and caused many women to wonder what they will do when they run out of their essential feminine product. “Hey, I have an idea to address the shortage,” said one state official. “Why don’t we just empty […]
GENEVA—This week, a panel of Bible scholars issued a joint statement clarifying that the Mark of the Beast is actually “$6.66”—the price of gas at the end of latter days. “Deeper study has revealed that we were misreading this passage—it’s not 666 or 616, it’s $6.66 for your basic Unleaded Petroleum Gasoline!” French Bible scholar Pierre LeGault […]
WORLD—The world is in disbelief today upon hearing the news that Dr. Fauci, also known as the living embodiment of SCIENCE itself, has come down with COVID. “How could this happen? What if SCIENCE dies? We’ll be lost! LOST WITHOUT SCIENCE!” cried Brian Stelter on CNN. “What does this mean? Is Fauci—blessings upon him—merely a […]
WASHINGTON, D.C.—The deadly January 6th riots have claimed even more innocent victims, as everyone watching the hearings is dying of boredom. “Once again we are seeing the tragic human cost of the evil MAGA insurrection on January 6th,” said Adam Schiff as several attendees fell out of their chairs and passed away, unable to watch […]
U.S.—Education experts are warning about the detrimental effects of homeschooling, as it may cause children to miss out on their opportunity to be gay communists. “The two essential roles of public education are to turn kids into communists, and then make them gay,” said AFL-CIO President Randi Weingarten. “If education fails to accomplish both of those […]
WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a move to help alleviate pain at the pump, the Biden Administration has announced a $1 billion initiative to provide grief and trauma counselors to stand by at all gas pumps across the nation. The plan will fund licensed therapists and psychiatrists to stand at the ready at gas pumps from New York […]