Entries by The Babylon Bee

Mitch McConnell Sends Pelosi Shirt Reading ‘I Impeached The President And All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt’

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Mitch McConnell felt bad for Nancy Pelosi after watching her get forced to impeach the president by the radical wing of her party, then impeach him and sit on the articles of impeachment for weeks. So, he decided to cheer her up a bit. McConnell had his staffers deliver Pelosi a shirt reading “I […]

As Part Of Settlement With Nick Sandmann, CNN Hosts Must Wear MAGA Hats During All Broadcasts

ATLANTA, GA—According to a report, as part of the settlement with Nick Sandmann, CNN hosts will be required to wear MAGA hats throughout every broadcast. “Let the punishment fit the crime,” counsel for Sandmann said as Don Lemon, Chris Cuomo, Anderson Cooper, and Wolf Blitzer all solemnly donned Make America Great Again caps. Hosts were […]

Trump’s Approval Rating Among Terrorists Hits All-Time Low

U.S.—President Trump’s approval rating among terrorists hit an all-time low today according to a CNN poll. This comes just days after he killed several of them. Of those surveyed, only six percent of terrorists–mostly white nationalists–said they approve of Trump’s performance. Of the 94 percent who disapproved, just half said they would like to see […]

Democrats Grasping At Straws To Impeach Trump Now Regret Banning Straws

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Democrats desperately grasping at straws to find grounds to impeach and convict Trump announced Tuesday they are now regretting banning plastic straws. “We started grasping for straws but suddenly realized we had banned them a while back,” a downcast Nancy Pelosi told reporters. “We really should have seen this coming.” Many congresspeople keep straws […]

Iran Declines To Sign Colin Kaepernick After Reviewing Workout Video

TEHRAN—Colin Kaepernick sent his workout video to Iran after learning they may have recently opened up a position but has yet to receive a phone call. Kaepernick condemned American attacks on Iranian terrorists last week, inciting rumors that he may have found a team interested in him in the Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps. But Iranian officials […]

Thousands Of Panicked Terrorists Surrender As Trump Deploys Jack Wilson To Middle East

WORLD—Terrorists and other enemies of America, including China, North Korea, and California, all agreed to lay down their arms as Jack Wilson was deployed abroad. After Wilson, the hero of the recent Texas church shooting, was named the leader of America’s military operations abroad, terrorists immediately surrendered, knowing they had very little chance. Wilson was […]

Elizabeth Warren Opens Casino To Help Finance Campaign

U.S.—With campaign contributions down 30% in the last quarter, you might think it’s time for Elizabeth Warren to throw in the tomahawk. But not this brave Native American warrior! “After spending several minutes digging deep into my rich 1/1024th Cherokee heritage, and communing with my spirit animal –you know, like we genuine Indians do all […]