Entries by The Babylon Bee

School District Announces Summer Enrichment Program For Kids Who Need Extra Grooming

ASHBURN, VA—The Loudoun County school district has announced a series of camps and summer programs for students who require additional grooming during the break. “We try our best to groom all our students to be radical queer activists from preschool, but we understand that some kids fall behind in their grooming process,” said Superintendent Scott Ziegler. […]

Awe-Inspiring Facts You May Not Know About Trump

Some things about Donald Trump are common knowledge. For example, he’s everyone’s favorite President of the United States. Duh! But you may be surprised to find there are many things you still don’t know! Here are some other awe-inspiring facts about your favorite president: He said his first word at 6 weeks of age: The word […]

CNN Rebrands To JAN6NN

ATLANTA, GA—Citing an objective poll of everyday Americans who work as CNN executives or Democrat tacticians, CNN has announced a strategic rebranding to JAN6NN, citing the vital significance of what occurred on that fateful day in 2021. Following the rebrand to JAN6NN, all news coverage will focus solely on Jan 6, 2021, meaning no real […]

What Gender Are You? Take The Quiz!

It can be hard to know what gender you are. So many choices! But The Babylon Bee has come up with an easy way to determine which one you are with this handy quiz:  Not happy with your results? Refresh the page or click here to try to get a different gender! RELATED POLITICAL SATIRE ARTICLE: […]

‘Guns Should Not Be In The Hands Of The Mentally Unstable,’ Says Senile Man With Nukes

WASHINGTON, D.C.—A senile old man in Washington who has a deadly nuclear arsenal at his fingertips is calling for dangerous weapons to be taken out of the hands of the mentally unstable. “Listen, folks, this shouldn’t be difficult,” said the yammering old geriatric to a duck in the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool. “The mentally unstable shouldn’t […]

Fauci Recommends Stopping Spread Of Monkeypox By Covering Eyes, Ears, Mouth

WASHINGTON, D.C.—The Monkeypox pandemic has finally breached the shores of the United States, with the CDC confirming a staggering 1 infections so far. In response, America’s favorite, most trusted doctor, Dr. Anthony Fauci, issued a statement recommending people stop the spread of Monkeypox by covering their eyes, ears, and mouth. Fauci accepted 137 TV interviews […]

Russia Looking Forward To Picking Up $40 Billion In New Equipment After U.S. Abandons Ukraine

MOSCOW—Spirits were high in the Ministry of Defense after Russian military leaders learned that the United States would soon be sending $40 billion in supplies to Ukraine, which would then be almost assuredly lost or abandoned like a Trapper Keeper full of middle school history notes. Generals high-fived and celebrated while speaking English with comically […]

Here Are Some More Things Elon Musk Should Buy And Fix

With Elon Musk buying Twitter and committing to making it better, there has been much speculation about what he might purchase and restore next. The possibilities are endless! Here are a few of our ideas for things Elon should buy and fix next: Facebook: And bring back poking! ESPN: Make it about sports again! Apple Inc.: Then officially rename “pregnant […]

Report: Zero Males Affected As Feminists Go On Sex Strike

NEW YORK, NY—After feminists around the country vowed to stop having sex, men across the nation have remained blissfully unaware anything has changed. “Huh? Who stopped having sex?” responded every man told of the development. “Wow, I had no idea. Good for them, I guess?” The so-called ‘sex strike’ had been launched by leftist women in response […]

Buffalo Hat-Wearing Elizabeth Warren Leads Insurrection Against Supreme Court

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Eyewitnesses reported Senator Elizabeth Warren donned a buffalo hat and led a group of bloodthirsty insurrectionists up the marble steps of the Supreme Court Building Wednesday morning. According to sources, they are outraged that the murder of babies as a constitutional right is under dispute. Sen Warren, literally shaking, tumbled up the building steps and wailed […]