ASHBURN, VA—The Loudoun County school district has announced a series of camps and summer programs for students who require additional grooming during the break. “We try our best to groom all our students to be radical queer activists from preschool, but we understand that some kids fall behind in their grooming process,” said Superintendent Scott Ziegler. […]
Some things about Donald Trump are common knowledge. For example, he’s everyone’s favorite President of the United States. Duh! But you may be surprised to find there are many things you still don’t know! Here are some other awe-inspiring facts about your favorite president: He said his first word at 6 weeks of age: The word […]
ATLANTA, GA—Citing an objective poll of everyday Americans who work as CNN executives or Democrat tacticians, CNN has announced a strategic rebranding to JAN6NN, citing the vital significance of what occurred on that fateful day in 2021. Following the rebrand to JAN6NN, all news coverage will focus solely on Jan 6, 2021, meaning no real […]
It can be hard to know what gender you are. So many choices! But The Babylon Bee has come up with an easy way to determine which one you are with this handy quiz: Not happy with your results? Refresh the page or click here to try to get a different gender! RELATED POLITICAL SATIRE ARTICLE: […]
WASHINGTON, D.C.—A senile old man in Washington who has a deadly nuclear arsenal at his fingertips is calling for dangerous weapons to be taken out of the hands of the mentally unstable. “Listen, folks, this shouldn’t be difficult,” said the yammering old geriatric to a duck in the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool. “The mentally unstable shouldn’t […]
Monkeypox is here! EVERYONE PANIC! You thought COVID wasn’t a big deal? Well, get ready to spend every waking moment of your life in constant terror for fear that the next person you run into might have a rare disease with a low transmission rate. Think you might have it? Diagnose yourself by consulting these symptoms: […]
WASHINGTON, D.C.—The Monkeypox pandemic has finally breached the shores of the United States, with the CDC confirming a staggering 1 infections so far. In response, America’s favorite, most trusted doctor, Dr. Anthony Fauci, issued a statement recommending people stop the spread of Monkeypox by covering their eyes, ears, and mouth. Fauci accepted 137 TV interviews […]
NEW YORK, NY—On Friday evening, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and her new fiance finally went on the double date they had been trying to coordinate with Ilhan Omar and her brother for weeks. “This is a blast — let’s not wait so long next time!” AOC gushed to her Democratic colleague over a famous NY slice at Louie & Ernie’s […]
The US dollar is losing value as a result of burgeoning Biden-flation. Before we all end up homeless, let’s take some time to reflect on some things that are more valuable than the money in your bank account. Maybe you can barter for some of these killer items before it’s too late! Here are ten […]
ANTIOCH, IL—Former President Donald J. Trump was crowned MAGA King shortly after pulling the legendary rifle of Kyle Rittenhouse from a stone. According to legend, the AR-15 rifle had been placed in the stone by Rittenhouse himself where it could lay dormant until a hero worthy of ruling America could pry it from its slumber. A plaque at […]
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Biden tried to warn us. He’s been sounding the alarm for weeks now, desperately trying to alert the nation to a grave threat to our national security: ULTRA MAGA. But no one took him seriously, figuring he was just off his meds again. But no—he was actually speaking clearly for the first time in […]
MOSCOW—Spirits were high in the Ministry of Defense after Russian military leaders learned that the United States would soon be sending $40 billion in supplies to Ukraine, which would then be almost assuredly lost or abandoned like a Trapper Keeper full of middle school history notes. Generals high-fived and celebrated while speaking English with comically […]
With Elon Musk buying Twitter and committing to making it better, there has been much speculation about what he might purchase and restore next. The possibilities are endless! Here are a few of our ideas for things Elon should buy and fix next: Facebook: And bring back poking! ESPN: Make it about sports again! Apple Inc.: Then officially rename “pregnant […]
NEW YORK, NY—After feminists around the country vowed to stop having sex, men across the nation have remained blissfully unaware anything has changed. “Huh? Who stopped having sex?” responded every man told of the development. “Wow, I had no idea. Good for them, I guess?” The so-called ‘sex strike’ had been launched by leftist women in response […]
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Eyewitnesses reported Senator Elizabeth Warren donned a buffalo hat and led a group of bloodthirsty insurrectionists up the marble steps of the Supreme Court Building Wednesday morning. According to sources, they are outraged that the murder of babies as a constitutional right is under dispute. Sen Warren, literally shaking, tumbled up the building steps and wailed […]