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Is there life on Mars? … And other tough, progressive questions

A recent post on the People’s Blog made me think of the following:

Is there life on Mars? If so, there are too many questions we must answer before we contemplate going there. Tough, progressive questions.

  • Is there social justice on Mars?
  • Is there an economy on Mars and if so, does it need regulating?
  • Is there a community on Mars and if so, does it need community organizers?
  • Are there genders on Mars and if so, is there gender equality for all 58 of them?
  • Is there private property on Mars and if so, is there redistributive justice?
  • Is there illegal immigration on Mars and if so, are there sanctuary cities?
  • Are there elections on Mars and if so, is voter ID required?
  • Is there Al Sharpton on Mars?
  • Is there homosexuality on Mars and if so, is there homophobia?
  • Is there parenthood on Mars and if so, does it need to be planned?
  • Are there corporations on Mars and if so, are they considered people?
  • Is there an environment on Mars and if so, does it require environmentalists?
  • Is there climate change on Mars and if so, is the Martian science settled?
  • Is there a nuclear bomb on Mars and if so, do they need negotiators?
  • Are there Muslims on Mars and if so, is there Islamophobia?

Actually, the last question has already been answered: there no Muslims on Mars.

Muslims ‘warned in Fatwa not to live on Mars’

Fatwa reportedly issued warning Muslims not to make ‘hazardous trip’ to live on Mars

Muslims have been warned in a Fatwa not to go and live on Mars because it would pose “a real risk to life”, according to a Dubai news organisation. The General Authority of Islamic Affairs and Endowment (GAIAE) in the United Arab Emirates said that anyone making such a “hazardous trip” is likely to die for “no righteous reason”.

Indeed, there appears to be plenty of “righteous reasons” for Muslims to die here even without Mars.

Come to think of it, progressives still have plenty of righteous causes to fight on Earth as well. Besides, if none of the above exists on Mars, there would be nothing for us to do there but to sustain ourselves by hard work.

Maybe we should join our Muslim brothers and not go to Mars after all. No matter how tempting it is to spend billions of other people’s money on such a trip.

IN OTHER NEWS…

The Sword of Revolution and the Communist Apocalypse

The Sword of RevolutionI was hired as a graphic designer and I did my job well, recycling the original revolutionary poster by Dmitry Moor, one of the founding fathers of Soviet agitprop. Now that the book is out, here’s my two kopecks.

This book has a lot of valid, factual information. At the same time, I remain skeptical about the theory that the breakup of the USSR was only a show so that the communists could take over the world by other means. Not that there aren’t powerful forces bending the civilized world towards what they call “progress” (and what I call collectivist barbarism), but those are different people and different movements with different goals. I generally don’t believe in conspiracies that require the presence of an undying, eternal, all-knowing, and superhuman brain – or in this case, community organizer.

I follow the developments in Russia very closely and one thing today’s Russians couldn’t care less about is Communism. To be sure, the Communist Party still has a strong presence there, but that’s mostly because Putin is feeding the communists in order to appease the nuts and the old-timers. That is also part of Putin’s strategy to shape and maintain his own opposition…

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Study: ‘Crazed gunman’ stigma increases risk of suicide

'Crazed gunman' stigma may cause suicideA new study published by the country’s #1 rank school of clinical psychology, UCLA’s Dept. of Psychology, suggests a link between the high rate of suicide among alleged rampaging mass murderers and the stigma of being labeled, by mass media outlets, as a “crazed gunman.”

The study shows that close to 100% of those who are labeled as a “crazed gunman” commit suicide within the first 24 hours after their alleged rampage and, very often, within the first 60 seconds. Some, it is suggested, commit “suicide by cop” in inexplicable and “out-of-character” gun battles with law enforcement.

The study suggests that fear of being stigmatized leads many of these alleged felons to end their own lives before…

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Stock market crash foretells third coming of Bush

third coming of BushSix days of stock market losses that have erased trillions of dollars of global wealth are being taken as a sign that the Third Coming of Bush is nigh. Those gifted in the dark art of political prognostication have reportedly been awaiting this omen for many months.

Well-known oracle Karl Rove was the first to recognize the significance of the financial portent, tweeting “As it was in 1987, as it was in 2000, so will it be in 2016. Let the Third Bush come forth and the world tremble at his glory!”

David Brooks, Chief Conservative Augur for the New York Times, elaborated…

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FBI hires Ashley Madison hackers to retrieve Clinton emails

Ashley Madison HillaryTHE HACKERS BEHIND the Ashley Madison breach have been contracted by the FBI to retrieve Madam Hillary’s 35, 000 yoga emails that were scrubbed from her personal server.

On the heels of being stonewalled and lied to by the former Sec. of State, the bureau has determined that a bigger batch of deletions were unretrievable unless true experts, such as the Ashley Madison hackers, were contracted to retrieve the wiped correspondences.

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Recovered images from Hillary emails prove it was only yoga

Hillary yogaWhile the FBI is still at a loss regarding the content of Hillary Clinton’s e-mail cache from her days as secretary of state, one thing they have determined beyond a shadow of a doubt is that the Democratic presidential frontrunner is a diligent distance-education yoga student.

Emailing yoga routines are standard practice in distance education, said Mrs. Clinton’s online yoga instructor Maha Bharata through an interpreter. He claims that over the years he has sent her over two hundred thousand Hindu-language emails with pictures of yoga poses, which constitutes 90% of the data that had been wiped clean from Clinton’s personal server.

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MURDAH: a stunning advancement in the right to choose

External UterusA child has grown up not how you envisioned? An elderly parent becoming a burden? Have you considered a post-birth abortion? Scientists at the Barack Obama Women’s Health Research Center have made an epic advancement in women’s health, and the right to choose.

Scientists have developed a method to allow abortions past the third trimester, as explained by the project’s lead scientist, Dr. Hillary Sanders: “Until now, women were limited to aborting only their own fetus, and only during the first three trimesters before birth. Our laboratory has pioneered…

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The People’s Cube wasn’t always red: the story of Erno Rubik

People's CubeEverybody knows that the People’s Cube is gloriously red, which is politically correct and compliant with the Current Truth. It’s impossible to imagine today what it would look like with all the confusing unequal colors. Imagining such a thing is inadvisable. All you need to know is that it’s equally red.

All squares are equal, and all players are equal. Nobody is too smart, nobody is too slow. Guaranteed equality of results. A symbol of fairness and painless existence. Nobody’s a boob with the People’s Cube!

But it hasn’t always been that way. In progressive humanity’s past there was a hateful moment when a thoughtcriminal named Erno Rubik took the red Cube and colored every square unequally…

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CNN to grill Democrat candidates using Fox News debate style

Fox News debate inquisitionFollowing the ratings success of Fox News in its presentation of the first Republican presidential primary debate, CNN has decided to mirror the GOP debate’s formula and tone when it hosts the first of six Democrat Presidential debates in October.

Jeff Zucker, president of CNN, tipped his hat to Fox: “I have to admit that they did a fantastic job and really held the candidates’ feet to the fire. I saw the numbers like everyone else did, and I want those ratings for CNN.”

In a surprising twist, Fox News debate moderators threw hardballs…

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EDITORS NOTE: The political satire originally appeared on the Peoples Cube.