BERLIN—German Health Minister Jens Spahn has announced his aggressive plan to fight COVID, which will include gathering all the unvaccinated people and putting them in special secured areas where they won’t bother anyone. “Ze key to fighting ze COVID iz very simple,” said Spahn. “Ve must concentrate all ze filthy undesirables into special camps with very […]
WASHINGTON D.C.—During a press conference today, Jen Psaki confirmed that President Biden will soon be visiting Waukesha to comfort the family of the traumatized SUV driver. “President Biden has a big heart, and he truly cares for hurting people,” said Psaki. “He will be visiting Waukesha next week to console the family of Darrell Brooks, […]
NORTH POLE—In a major break with hundreds of years of Christmas tradition, Santa Claus will not be using his famous “Naughty or Nice” list this year. Instead, Father Christmas will be keeping a list of vaccinated and unvaccinated children. “With the pandemic entering its second Christmas season, Santa felt the traditional ‘Naughty or Nice’ list […]
With Christmas just around the corner, you’re probably looking for unique gifts that tell your children how much joy they bring to your life as well as the importance of limited government. Worry not, shopper! We at The Babylon Bee had our top researchers working tirelessly to bring you this list of perfect gift ideas for your conservative […]
SAN FRANSISCO, CA—Jack Dorsey has stepped down as CEO of Twitter after realizing to his horror that he helped elect Joe Biden as President. “Dear God…what have I done?” said Dorsey as he realized his manipulation and suppression of political speech had led to the election of Joe Biden to the White House. “I am […]
Are you thinking about buying a gun? Ew. What’s wrong with you? Gross! Just… ew. Guns are very problematic, and so are the people who use them. You don’t need one. Here’s why. #1) You can always count on the police to protect you: That’s just a fact. Police are proven 100% effective at protecting innocent […]
HONOLULU, HI—CNN and other mainstream news outlets are reporting on a “tragic, completely accidental” boating accident at Pearl Harbor. As details still come in, CNN is urging people to not rush to judgment or assign blame until the story goes away in a few days. “Such a tragic and completely accidental boating accident,” said one […]
SAN FRANCISCO, CA—Small business owners have devised a clever solution to the mostly-peaceful looting problem that has plagued retail stores in the nation’s democrat-run cities. Standing near a Kyle Rittenhouse scarecrow outside her fifth-generation vintage VCR boutique, Reeba Hastings said, “We’re already seeing positive results from this bad boy. Just yesterday, a flash mob of […]
ATLANTA, GA—With Rittenhouse found “not guilty”, media outlets across the country are preparing for costly defamation lawsuits after a year of calling him a white supremacist. With CNN already half-owned by Nick Sandmann, the famous fake news organization will soon be giving the other half of its ownership over to Kyle Rittenhouse. The two have […]
KENOSHA, WI—Moments before reading the verdict, the twelve jurors in the trial of Kyle Rittenhouse asked if the defendant would please step outside and defend the courthouse. “We, the jury will perform our constitutional duty and declare the verdict in this case,” said one sweating juror, “But we, the jury also don’t want to die.” […]
He’s a husband. He’s a father. And he’s a feminist. Meet Jerm Hoth, the feminist husband who strikes a blow against toxic masculinity by allowing his wife to change a tire, plunge a toilet, and kill a spider. He’s much more progressive and woke than you will ever be: Get more hard-hitting documentaries, animations, […]
Check out our hot new animated video, where the Ghostbusters go around town zappin’ ghosts that don’t agree with the progressive narrative. Get more hard-hitting documentaries, animations, explainers, podcasts, and more: Subscribe to The Babylon Bee’s rapidly growing YouTube channel. We guarantee* you’ll love it! EDITORS NOTE: This political satire video is by The Babylon Bee is […]
Since time immemorial, legend has whispered of a hero prepared by the ancients to defend liberty and shoot commie pedophiles in the name of butt-kicking freedom. Our generation has been blessed to witness this hero in action. His name is Kyle Rittenhouse. Here are a few absolute truths about the based legend: 1) Tucker Carlson […]
BETHLEHEM—Biblical scholars have uncovered a dusty old scroll that turned out to be a record of Jesus’s birth. According to the ancient writing, Mary and Joseph were actually denied room in the inn because they were unvaxxed. “The record reveals the reason why they were denied a room in the inn, clear as a shining […]
WASHINGTON, D.C.—After stirring controversy by referring to legendary baseball player Satchel Paige as a “negro,” Biden came forward today to apologize for his gaffe. “Ah man, I apologize for calling all the colored folks negroes,” he said to a stunned press. “I forgot all the coloreds don’t want us to them to call them that anymore. […]