U.S.—Americans opening their mailboxes were greeted with a wonderful holiday surprise, as the White House had mailed them Christmas cards with the heartwarming message, “You will get sick and die this winter.” The Christmas cards are part of the Biden Administration’s recent uplifting Christmas messaging campaign, which kicked off when Biden announced with jovial flair, […]
Are you a horrible person but on the right side of history? Santa is shocked to discover that’s all it takes to be on the nice list. And if you’re sitting here thinking, “What the heck!? The Babylon Bee does videos?!” then boy, oh boy do we have a treat for you! Our YouTube channel has […]
Watch the full interview: And if you’re sitting here thinking, “What the heck!? The Babylon Bee does videos?!” then boy, oh boy do we have a treat for you! Our YouTube channel has tons of glorious content like the videos below! Check them out now and subscribe to our YouTube channel for more! EDITORS NOTE: This video […]
This season, it’s important to focus on the true meaning of Christmas: compliance. Christmas caroling, once a holiday tradition of family and friends spreading joy and cheer to neighbors and communities, is now illegal, and rightfully so. We are—and will forever be—in the midst of a dangerous pandemic, and nothing spreads lethal viruses more virulently than […]
MIAMI, FL—Tourists unloading from the ferry onto Liberty Island in New York Harbor were met with disappointment this week, as the pedestal upon which the Statue of Liberty once stood was empty. Instead, a letter on stationery the size of a king bed lay on the pedestal with a message reading, “Fed up with New York, […]
Still don’t believe mask mandates work? Over and over, we’ve screamed “DIE, YOU SCIENCE DENIER!” in your face, and yet you still doubt the science. Once and for all, we bring you indisputable scientific proof that mask mandates just work, period: 1) Look at this simple bar graph: SCIENCE. 2) Florida never imposed mask mandates, and […]
ATLANTA, GA—After being in the closet for over 18 years at Fox News, news anchor Chris Wallace has come out officially as a fake news journalist. After being turned down by The Babylon Bee, Wallace will make the move over to CNN’s new streaming service. “I attempted real news for a long time, but I […]
CALIFORNIA—Beto O’Rourke has surged to the front of the Texas gubernatorial race according to a recent poll of Californians. O’Rourke is polling at the front of the pack, being an incredibly popular candidate to become governor of Texas. Not, of course, among people who live in Texas, but he’s very well liked in California. While […]
U.S.—Harvill Secker Publishing Company has announced the release of a brand-new prequel to George Orwell’s classic, 1984. The new novel will describe the events leading up to 1984, where people beg Big Brother to take away their rights to protect them from a virus. “1984: The Beginning describes how Oceana came to exist after the entire world got freaked out […]
CHICAGO, IL—People are protesting in the streets today after human rights groups revealed Jussie Smollett will be forced to share a jail cell with his racist attackers. “This is an outrage!” said Reverend Jesse Jackson. “Not only was Mr. Smollett attacked by hateful racist bigots who want to tear our country apart, but now he has […]
So, um, some people did something, and now CNN’s Primetime slot is empty! Oh no! While we are extremely sad to see the brilliant and legendary Chris Cuomo go, there are a ton of great candidates out there who would do a great job filling his shoes! Here are the top ten possible replacements for […]
U.S.—A fun new “Greta on the Shelf” doll will watch you every day and fly back to the UN each night to report your climate sins to the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change. The doll is equipped with eye sensors programmed to detect activities that are harmful to the environment. “Greta sees you when […]
NEW YORK, NY—The trial of Ghislaine Maxwell is underway but began to get bogged as Maxwell listed the names of people who had flown on Lolita Express and visited Epstein Island. Now, in order to save time, she will just list the names of Hollywood celebs and politicians who didn’t. “Um, there are only, like 3 […]
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Members of the Biden Administration were in high spirits and celebrating the nation’s burgeoning economy after the November jobs report showed an astounding growth of two whole jobs. “That’s TWICE as many jobs as we expected to create, double the jobs. DOUBLE. That’s no joke,” said President Biden slowly, as if lost in a dream. […]
TALLAHASSEE, FL —Florida Governor Ron DeSantis stirred up controversy this week after he proposed allocating state funds to grow his own personal army of Uruk-Hai orc warriors. “Frankly, the federal government is terrible at everything, including the Army, which has been taken over by wimpy-dimpy pink-haired SJWs,” said DeSantis. “It’s time for Florida to breed its own Uruk-Hai […]