Political Satire Archives - Page 9 of 13

The Babylon Bee’s Top Predictions For 2022

January 1, 2022/in Commentary, Political Satire/by The Babylon Bee

It’s that time of year again—when the infallible prophets at The Babylon Bee tell you what will happen in the next year with 100% accuracy! Will 2022 be better than this year? You decide!

Here is a definitive list of things that will happen in 2022:

January 1 – USPS will deliver your Christmas package

January 6 – Second insurrection attempt canceled

January 20 – Pfizer unveils booster shots 4, 5, 6, 7, and 8

January 21 – Men break every record ever held by women

January 22 – Harvard gender studies professor discovers five new pronouns

January 23 – The Babylon Bee discovers a 3rd conservative joke

January 25 – Obama releases another memoir

January 27 – Mark Zuckerberg finally learns how to smile with his eyes

February 1 – WHO runs out of Greek letters for variants and starts naming them after the Muppets

February 2 – Jan 6th committee finally catches your Grandma

February 26 – China officially annexes United States

March 1 – Bill Clinton plants the flag on brand new Epstein Island

March 3 – Space Force training exercise accidentally blows up Mars

March 10 – Obama releases yet another new memoir

March 25 – Meat is outlawed, replaced with delicious bugs instead

April 1 – AOC red-pilled after reading an economics book

April 19 – Man dressed as woman hailed as first woman to not complain about being cold

May 5 – Hollywood studio announces all-female reboot of Ghostbusters: Afterlife

May 10 – Firefly renewed for 12 new seasons. Unfortunately, it’s written by the writers of the 2nd season of Ted Lasso

June 6 – AOC tweets something dumb

August 15 – The only child to be named “Brandon” for the entire year is born

September 5 – Jen Psaki becomes Ben Psaki

October 8 – Obama releases new memoir

October 11 – Ted Cruz finally gets to spend a week in Cancun

November 17 – Republicans bravely squander control of Congress

December 10th – You still can’t get your hands on a PS5

December 25 – Christmas will occur on this day

December 27 – Obama releases new memoir

December 30 – Ghislaine Maxwell’s black book leaked, will be released in January

December 31 – Jesus returns

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Gavin Newsom Named U-Haul Salesperson Of The Year

December 31, 2021/in Commentary, Political Satire/by The Babylon Bee

SACRAMENTO, CA—U-Haul has named Governor Gavin Newsom its Salesperson of the Year for the third year in a row after a record-setting sales quarter.

“We are astounded by the growth we’ve seen in California,” said U-Haul’s Western Regional Director Fennick Buggstein. “Thanks to Gavin Newsom, literally every middle-class family has moved out of the state! It’s been impossible to keep up with demand! Also, most of our workers left the state too, which kind of stinks.”

In their second-quarter earnings statement, U-Haul revealed their sales on the West Coast have increased over 37,000% as every human with a pulse and marginal desire for a better life has packed up all their worldly belongings and chosen to leave for greener pastures in a giant U-Haul truck.

“We are deeply grateful to Gavin for our success in 2021,” said Buggstein. “The only problem now is that we’re all out of trucks. And no one is willing to drive a U-Haul back to California. And I’m leaving with my family as well. So I guess this is it! Bye everyone!” Buggstein then jumped in the last U-Haul with his family and took off for Texas.

Congrats to Gavin Newsom!

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In Retrospect, Woman Attending Communist-Themed Party Should Have Realized There Wouldn’t Be Any Food

December 30, 2021/in Commentary, Political Satire/by The Babylon Bee

SEATTLE—Edmina Romanov fasted all day so she wouldn’t have to worry about calories at her friend’s Communist-themed party, but it was all for naught because no food was offered at the authentic commie get-together.

“Yeah, yeah, I’ve got egg on my face,” said Romanov. “I mean not really. I wish I did. I’m so hungry.”

“But think of the weight you will lose, comrade!” joked the party’s host, Larry Bolshevik. “Come! Let us play ‘Arrest the Lienz Cossack.’”

Another guest of the party, Natasha Summers, didn’t understand why Romanov was so upset. “There’s plenty of food if you know where to look for it,” she said. “I found a perfectly good dog in the backyard.”

According to sources, there was some bread earlier in the evening, but Romanov arrived fashionably late and missed out on the morsel.

Though admittedly disappointed, Romanov is planning to go to next month’s Communist gathering since they promised there will be food this time. “A true Communist party hasn’t been thrown yet,” she said.

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The Babylon Bee Presents: Top CNN Moments Of 2021

December 28, 2021/in Commentary, Political Satire/by The Babylon Bee

2021 was a banner year for CNN! For 12 long months, we looked to their fake news coverage for guidance, clarity, and above all, laughs. Let’s take a look back at some of CNN’s biggest stories of the year!

January 7: CNN Gravely Reports On ‘First Violent Protest In Recent Memory’

It was a dark, dark, very dark day for democracy. Our country had never seen anything like it ever before. CNN courageously broke the story…

January 21: CNN Praises Biden For Causing Sun To Rise In East This Morning

The day after Biden’s inauguration, CNN heralded the dawning of a new day in America. Read the article for a trip down memory lane…

May 17: CNN Hires Trump As News Anchor To Recover Lost Viewers

What do you do when ratings are plummeting? Call Trump, that’s what! Now, CNN’s ratings are fantastic. Best ratings of all time, maybe ever.

July 22: CNN Airs Hour-Long PSA On Warning Signs Of Dementia

Do you remember this CNN town hall? Neither do we. Neither does Biden. Sad!

August 14: CNN Praises Taliban For Wearing Masks During Attack

In one fateful night, the Taliban took back Afghanistan, ushering in a new reign of terror. But hey– they wore masks! CNN praised them for their great example.

September 4: Biden’s Approval Rating Among CNN Employees Sinks To All-Time Low Of 98%

That’s down from their previous low of 100%.

November 1: CNN Anchors All Poop Pants On Air To Show It’s Perfectly Normal

Remember when Biden pooped his pants in front of the Pope? CNN put a stop to all the mockery by pooping their pants in solidarity with the President.

November 19: Rittenhouse, Sandmann Agree To Share Joint Custody Of CNN

With Nick Sandmann settling his defamation lawsuit against CNN and Rittenhouse preparing his own, these two young men will have to share custody.

November 24: CNN Reports On ‘Deadly Boat Accident’ At Pearl Harbor

Just like the Waukesha deadly SUV accident.

December 16: CNN Quietly Resets ‘Days Since An Employee Committed A Sex Crime’ Counter Back To Zero

Well… next year’s a fresh start, right?

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Study: Most Kids Become Transgender Within 1 Hour Of Unsupervised Netflix Time

December 25, 2021/in Commentary, Political Satire/by The Babylon Bee

U.S.—A study has discovered a correlation between unsupervised Netflix viewing and transgender identification among children. Experts were quick to point out that this was “just fine” and any concerned parents were transphobic.

“Several test subjects ranging in age from 3 to 12 were given unsupervised access to a Netflix profile,” explained child psychology expert, Dr. Ian Phile. “Approximately 80% of the subjects began identifying as the opposite gender within one hour of screen time, with another 10% creating entirely new genders that will have to be added to the International Registry of Genders we manage with a supercomputer.”

He went on to explain that it was all very technical and more grant money would be needed to conduct similar studies on Amazon Prime Video and Hulu. “Please give me more money,” he added.

Sources indicate children who exited the study with their biological genders intact had been watching episodes of VeggieTales.

At publishing time, Netflix conducted their own follow-up study and confirmed the earlier results were “transphobic nonsense” and that subscribers should tune in for a new Cocomelon episode that “definitely doesn’t have a child drag show in it.”

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7 Alarming Omicron Symptoms

December 25, 2021/in Commentary, Political Satire/by The Babylon Bee

We thought we were out of the woods, and that maybe we could enjoy the holidays, but we were wrong. Omicron is upon us, and it is the deadliest plague humanity has ever faced. You probably won’t survive. And if you find yourself having any of these Omicron symptoms, you will definitely die. Sorry!

1) Heartburn: If you find yourself with heartburn after eating pizza or onion rings, you probably have Omicron. Been nice knowin’ ya.

2) Sneezing: Omicron is a perfect killing machine designed to replicate itself by inducing sneezes in the host. Diabolical.

3) Your bones make that weird cracking sound when you get out of a chair: It’s the end of the line for you.

4) Being left-handed: To be fair, is life even worth living if you’re left-handed?

5) The sun looks bright when you stare directly at it: President Trump proved he was extremely healthy and Omicron-free when he stared at the sun for several minutes unfazed.

6) Mild soreness after vigorous exercise: Oh no! Also, please sanitize your workout equipment. You may be dead soon, but you don’t have to take us with you.

7) Existential dread: Thankfully, this can be cured with a visit to church, a nap, or a burrito. Unless you die of Omicron first.

NOT SATIRE: At UnMask, we are not fans of masks or mask mandates, but if you are forced to wear a mask, we are committed to providing you and your family the most free-breathing masks on the planet, and building them right here in the USA!

We created the UnMask out of two layers of the most breathable, ultralight materials that exist. The result is a mask that people can wear and breathe in all day without headaches, claustrophobia, or constantly fighting off anxiety attacks. The UnMask will not trap heat or moisture, fog your glasses or muffle your speech.

Legions of people that wear an UnMask refuse to wear anything else. Try an UnMask and you’ll never wear anything else either. Each UnMask is proudly designed and made right here in the USA.

Try an UnMask and save 20% at www.getunmask.com/bee – Use the code BEE20 at checkout.

Political Party That Encouraged People To Commit Crimes Surprised At All The People Committing Crimes

December 23, 2021/in Commentary, Political Satire/by The Babylon Bee

U.S.—As violent crime has skyrocketed to historically high levels, particularly in democrat-run cities, democratic leaders expressed shock and dismay at the rampant crime they have openly, blatantly, and very specifically promoted.

“There is an attitude of lawlessness in our country that springs from I don’t know where,” said Nancy Pelosi after 18 months supporting local and state campaigns to pull hundreds of millions of dollars from funding police departments, while also urging officials to pardon violent criminals. “We are investigating possible causes, such as irresponsible retail owners displaying products that people want, or reckless republicans legalizing crowbars.”

San Francisco mayor London Breed courageously pledged to fund more policing less than one year after pulling $120 million from the city’s police department, promising to fire the person responsible for creating a city of unmitigated crime.

When speaking of the skyrocketing rise in crime rocking Minnesota just months after pushing to decimate the police force, Ilhan Omar stated, “The blame for rampant crime sprees lies with the state’s 17 remaining police officers who are obviously not fulfilling their oath to protect and serve.”

Rashida Tlaib could not be reached for comment regarding the deadly results of her calls for violence in the name of racial equity, as well as her campaign to defund local police departments, because she was surrounded by a phalanx of private security professionals.

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Due To Supply Chain Issues Democrats Recommend Mailing In Your Votes For 2024 Now

December 22, 2021/in Commentary, Political Satire/by The Babylon Bee

WASHINGTON, D.C.—The next Presidential election is three years away, but Democratic leaders in Congress aren’t wasting any time getting out the vote.

“Republicans tricked Biden into creating a supply chain crisis so your vote wouldn’t make it in time,” said Pelosi in a statement. “You can fix that by mailing in your ballots for Biden right now! As long as they’re postmarked by this week, they should make it by 2024.”

When asked what exactly voters should be sending in since advance ballots were not available due to supply chain congestion, Pelosi explained, “Just write it on a napkin or something and we’ll count it. And if Republicans object we’ll just tell everyone they hate democracy.”

Concerns over the failing health of Joe Biden were dismissed by Pelosi, who insisted he will be the presidential candidate in 2024. “If you ask a question like that again I will call you a Republican and you’ll never work in journalism again,” she added.

At publishing time, Sen. Bernie Sanders expressed interest in challenging Biden for the presidency with a grassroots style mail-in vote in which all ballots are personally dropped off at one of his three houses.

It’s Official: New White House Dog To Be Named Karl Barx

December 22, 2021/in Commentary, Political Satire/by The Babylon Bee

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Move over, Chairman Meow! The Biden family has brought an adorable puppy into their family, and have decided to name this “pawesome” pal Karl Barx, after the brilliant economist Karl Marx, who inspired many of Biden’s policies during his flawless first year as President.

“We are so happy to welcome Karl Barx into our happy, non-dysfunctional family,” said First Lady Dr. Jill Biden, Esquire, as her husband showed their fur baby the proper way to chew on slippers. “Our new pup has really grown into his new name, demanding to control the distribution of the nation’s dog food. Simply adorable. I’m a real doctor.”

White House staff have already expressed concern over Karl Barx, claiming he growls at anyone in a leadership position until they give him whatever he wants but did not earn.

At publishing time, Karl Barx had rallied a pack of stray dogs, affectionately dubbed, “The Pawletariat,” by the Bidens, and was leading the pack to violently seize the means of production at the local tennis ball factory.

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White House Sends Out Christmas Cards With Heartfelt Message, ‘You Will Get Sick And Die This Winter’

December 21, 2021/in Commentary, Political Satire/by The Babylon Bee

U.S.—Americans opening their mailboxes were greeted with a wonderful holiday surprise, as the White House had mailed them Christmas cards with the heartwarming message, “You will get sick and die this winter.”

The Christmas cards are part of the Biden Administration’s recent uplifting Christmas messaging campaign, which kicked off when Biden announced with jovial flair, “We are looking at a winter of severe illness and death.”

The hope-filled greeting cards were packaged in a beautiful, glittering gift basket alongside a vaccine-filled syringe and a pack of abortion pills, all nestled in a bed of now-worthless shredded dollar bills.

Sadly, many Americans will never receive the President’s heartfelt message of grief and hopelessness, as the USPS lost most of them.

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New video: Santa’s Naughty And Nice List Revised To Right Side Of History List

December 21, 2021/in Commentary, Political Satire/by The Babylon Bee

Are you a horrible person but on the right side of history? Santa is shocked to discover that’s all it takes to be on the nice list.

And if you’re sitting here thinking, “What the heck!? The Babylon Bee does videos?!” then boy, oh boy do we have a treat for you! Our YouTube channel has tons of glorious content like the videos below! Check them out now and subscribe to our YouTube channel for more!

The Babylon Bee Presents: COVID Christmas Carols

December 18, 2021/in Commentary, Political Satire/by The Babylon Bee

This season, it’s important to focus on the true meaning of Christmas: compliance.

Christmas caroling, once a holiday tradition of family and friends spreading joy and cheer to neighbors and communities, is now illegal, and rightfully so. We are—and will forever be—in the midst of a dangerous pandemic, and nothing spreads lethal viruses more virulently than through friends, family, singing, and joy.

Dismay not! You can still find a sliver of Christmas cheer while isolated in your sanitized home, double-masked and quadruple-vaccinated, by listening to some of these COVID-19 Christmas Carols:

“I’ll Be Vaxxed for Christmas” – A merry, joyful reminder that only the vaxxed are allowed to enjoy Christmas.

“It Came Upon A Mandate Clear” – Sing this beautiful carol and remember your first mandate. Precious memories…

“Baby, There’s COVID Outside” – That’s a billion times worse than it being cold outside!

“Silent Media” – The Wuhan Virology Lab released a virus upon the world… and the media fell reverently silent.

“Do You Fear What I Fear” – If it’s not COVID, you’re killing Grandma.

“What Variant is This?” – Yeah, we lost track too.

“Have Yourself A Lonely Little Christmas” – OR ELSE.

“God Rest Ye Boosted Gentlemen” – The only gentlemen who have a right to rest are the ones who are boosted.

“mRNA In a Manager” – Remember the birth of the savior: mRNA.

“Fauci Baby” – As sung by Brian Stelter.

“Carol of The Bell’s Palsy” – Completely unrelated to the vaccine, Pfizer assures us.

“It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Wuhan” – Unsurprisingly, this carol is illegal in Wuhan.

“Santa Claus Is Staying at Home” – “He sees you defying lockdowns, he knows when you’re not vaxxed, he is not coming anyway, so stay home and wear a mask!”

“All I Want For Christmas Is Ivermectin” – A conservative favorite.

“Jab to the World” – Who needs “joy” when you got that jab?

“Fauci the Vaxman” – Why hasn’t he melted away yet?

“Ave Moderna” – AAAAAVVVEE MO-DERRRRRR-ERRRRR-NAAAAAA

“Have an Omi-Cron-y Christmas” – The hit single of 2021 is raging through the world after its South Africa debut!

“Good King Brandon” – Let’s go Brandon!

“Grandma Got COVID By A Cuomo” – An unsettlingly peppy song.

“Variant Both Meek And Mild” – As pretty much all the variants were…

“Christmas (Baby Please Stay Home)” – We highly recommend the version recorded by The National Karens Choir.

“Mary Did You Know (About the Vaccine Mandate)” – Sometimes a Christian holiday mansplainer is needed to spread the joy of mandates.

“Masked Christmas” – This Christmas pop song will have you singing along in your own muffled, sad way.

“Sanitize The Halls” – “Fa-la-la-la-la-la wash your hands!”

“O Come, O Come, Dr. Fauci” – This old classic choral number sings reverence to our Lord and Savior and director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases.

Jingle Bells, Biden Smells: Fauci laid an egg!

Now sing some carols, and have yourself a safe, socially distanced, vaxxed, masked, remote zoom call little Christmas!

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New 2021 Words Added to Dictionaries

December 17, 2021/in Commentary, Political Satire/by The Peoples Cube

It’s nearing the end of another year and that can mean only one thing: opportunities for journalists to write quick articles and get paid without thinking too much or working too hard. During these times of “no significant inflation” and all those holiday alcohol bills coming due, it’s more important than ever for those of us in the fourth estate.

Rather than a garden-variety ‘Best of / Worst of’ list, we’re doing a garden-variety rundown of new words added to the vernacular in 2021.

schifft·y
/ˈSHiftē/

adjective informal
adjective: schiffty; comparative adjective: schifftier; superlative adjective: schifftiest

(of a person or their manner) appearing deceitful or evasive, especially with respect to achieving political ends through false statements or doctored evidence.
“a schiffty, partisan politician”

let’s go bran·don
/fək jō ˈBīd-in/

phrasal idiom
common greeting or salutation, expressing solidarity with the disenfranchised.

var·i·ant
/ˈverēənt/

noun
noun: variant; plural noun: variants

a form or version of something that differs from other forms of the same thing but causes abject terror and complete loss of prefrontal cortex reasoning skills in humans.
“a new variant has been found, I hope our hard-working and efficient government takes control of every aspect of our lives so I don’t get sick”

an·ti-rac·ism
/ˈanˌtī-ˈrāˌsizəm/

noun
noun: anti-racism
(synonym with racism)

prejudice, discrimination, or antagonism directed against a person or people on the basis of their membership in a particular racial or ethnic group.
“anti-racism is a way of blaming your problems on other people, based on their skin color”

free·dom
/ˈfrēdəm/

noun

the archaic idea of having the power or right to act, speak, or think as one wants without hindrance or restraint.

Fed-Up Statue Of Liberty Moves To Florida

December 17, 2021/in Commentary, Political Satire/by The Babylon Bee

MIAMI, FL—Tourists unloading from the ferry onto Liberty Island in New York Harbor were met with disappointment this week, as the pedestal upon which the Statue of Liberty once stood was empty. Instead, a letter on stationery the size of a king bed lay on the pedestal with a message reading, “Fed up with New York, moving to Florida. – L. Liberty”

“I had just clocked into my shift this morning and looked up to see she was gone,” said security guard Feldman Baxter, while complying with the city’s mandates of wearing three masks outdoors, standing 20 feet from anyone else, rubbing his arm from his recent fifth booster jab, and ending each sentence with, “Praise Fauci.”

Reports flooded in of eyewitnesses seeing the fifteen-story symbol of freedom driving an oversized U-Haul down the Atlantic coastline, stopping only for gas and fish tacos.

“Wow, I love it here! I feel like I’m with my people,” said the Statue of Liberty while wading out to a small island off the coast of Miami to make herself comfortable in her new home. “I need to buy myself a bikini.”

At time of publishing, D.C. officials were investigating the now-empty marble chair of the Lincoln Memorial.

Babylon Bee subscriber Dave Landers contributed to this report. If you want to get involved with the staff writers at The Babylon Bee, check out our membership options here!

What does it take to achieve world peace? This alien knows the secret! And these progressive will do anything to stop him.

Subscribe to The Babylon Bee on YouTube

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10 Undeniable Proofs That Mask Mandates Work

December 15, 2021/in Commentary, Political Satire/by The Babylon Bee

Still don’t believe mask mandates work? Over and over, we’ve screamed “DIE, YOU SCIENCE DENIER!” in your face, and yet you still doubt the science.

Once and for all, we bring you indisputable scientific proof that mask mandates just work, period:

1) Look at this simple bar graph: SCIENCE.

2) Florida never imposed mask mandates, and now they’re all dead: It is literally a barren wasteland of corpses lying on the beach, playing pickleball, going to restaurants, etc.

3) Intellectual juggernauts from “The View” say so: Not even the brilliant AOC would dare challenge the incomparable wisdom of the show’s co-hosts.

4) The COVID can’t get into your body if you literally can’t breathe: Mandates: 1, COVID: 0.

5) Very low rates of infection among old-timey stagecoach robbers: Have you ever heard of an old western robber dying of COVID? No, you haven’t. There’s a reason for that.

6) The science is settled. Until it changes: But if you question it now, you’re anti-science, even if the science later agrees with you.

7) Residents of Antarctica wear face coverings outdoors: Zero COVID.

8) All the politicians and celebrities follow the mandates, and they know best: Hell will freeze over before we hear of an elected official breaking their own mask mandate.

9) If it doesn’t work, why is it mandated by the government? Checkmate.

10) The CDC has reams of scientific studies proving mask mandates work: And they will happily publish them in 75 years.

NOT SATIRE: At UnMask, we are not fans of masks or mask mandates, but if you are forced to wear a mask, we are committed to providing you and your family the most free-breathing masks on the planet, and building them right here in the USA!

We created the UnMask out of two layers of the most breathable, ultralight materials that exist. The result is a mask that people can wear and breathe in all day without headaches, claustrophobia, or constantly fighting off anxiety attacks. The UnMask will not trap heat or moisture, fog your glasses or muffle your speech.

Legions of people that wear an UnMask refuse to wear anything else. Try an UnMask and you’ll never wear anything else either. Each UnMask is proudly designed and made right here in the USA.

Try an UnMask and save 20% at www.getunmask.com/bee – Use the code BEE at checkout.