Political Satire Archives - Page 10 of 13

U.S. Sending Hashtags to Taiwan to Fend off Chinese Invasion

December 15, 2021/in Commentary, Political Satire/by The Peoples Cube

China has made over 140 sorties with combat aircraft near Taiwan’s airspace in a four-day period. The act of provocation was met swiftly and decisively by our Defense and State Departments.

At a White House press conference, Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin warned, “First, we are going to vet all of our senior officers to assure that none of them have made any racially motivated jokes about Asians since kindergarten. If anything inappropriate is found out, they will be relieved of command immediately. We want the world to know that we will not tolerate extremism. Secondly, we are going to demand that the People’s Liberation Army use gender appropriate pronouns throughout all their ranks. Let Beijing be warned not to take us lightly on this. We have #respectallgenders hashtags ready to deploy in both English and Mandarin, and we’re not afraid to use them.”

Secretary of State, Antony Blinken, followed with equally stern warnings: “We are in a stare-down with the Chinese military, and we’re not going to blink. I would urge the Chinese government not to misread our hasty, ill-planned, and disastrous withdrawal from Afghanistan as an indication that America is lacking sound leadership. As we speak, military transport aircraft are en-route to Taiwan with #pleasedontbombus and #gunfreezone hashtags. These too are written in both English and Mandarin and make our message clear to allies and potential foes alike.”

When asked whether the stockpiling of hashtags was premature, White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki stated, “While some see the deployment of these hashtags as unnecessarily provocative, let me assure you that they will actually bring stability to the region and make the world safer. I am personally standing by with a red, white, and blue dress, a piece of posterboard, and a sharpie. I will declare #unitedfortaiwan so fast they won’t know what hit them. I did it for Ukraine and I’ll do it again for Taiwan. Don’t test us.”

Ending the conference by dramatically leaning forward to the microphone, President Biden, scowling behind his favorite pair of aviator shades, warned in a menacing whisper, “Let there be no doubt about the, you know, the thing.” Chinese intelligence officers are not completely sure whether “the thing” is a cryptic reference to a stockpile of nuclear hashtags which the United States has previously denied possessing.

CLICK HERE: To view Hashtag veteran Jen Psaki ready to issue a strong message to China

Brave: Chris Wallace Comes Out Of Closet As Fake News Journalist

December 14, 2021/in Commentary, Political Satire/by The Babylon Bee

ATLANTA, GA—After being in the closet for over 18 years at Fox News, news anchor Chris Wallace has come out officially as a fake news journalist. After being turned down by The Babylon Bee, Wallace will make the move over to CNN’s new streaming service.

“I attempted real news for a long time, but I was living a lie,” said Wallace in his official statement on Fox News. “It’s time for me to finally be honest with the world and live out my truth. It’s time for me to finally show the world who I really am: a fake news journalist.”

Journalist advocacy groups applauded Wallace’s brave move as a “huge step” for fake news journalists everywhere.

CNN will feature Chris Wallace on its new streaming platform, which promises to be even more fake than their cable news service. Other anchors will include Jussie Smollett, Chelsea Clinton, Joy Behar, and Big Bird from Sesame Street.

Fox News applauded Wallace for his bravery and thanked him for the inevitable ratings boost.

8 Ways To Win The War On Christmas

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U.S. Navy to Determine Ships’ Preferred Pronouns

December 14, 2021/in Commentary, Political Satire/by The Peoples Cube

Naval Station Norfolk, VA — The United States Navy has contracted experts to determine the preferred genders of all its nautical vessels.

For millennia, mariners have assumed ships and boats were female and referred to them as “she/her.” As the world becomes more aware that people are actually whatever gender they happen to be thinking of at the moment, a nearly universal outcry erupted that we are assuming the genders of all sorts of objects.

Despite initial objections from some high-ranking Trump era holdovers, the Navy has decided that now is the time to come into 21st century thinking by figuring out what gender each ship actually would prefer to be. This is a new field, but experts from top US universities soon stepped up and were promptly hired.

“Aside from the fact that it is naturally just sexist and homophobic, it is also illogical.” says Dr. Indigo Yehuda, a gender studies expert from Brown University who is working on this effort. “We’ve been assuming since, like, forever that all ships are female, right? But think about it – all ships can’t be female, because then where would the little baby ships come from, like that rowboat over there? Duh.”

It is expected to take between 2-5 years and cost approximately $123M to fully understand the preferred genders of every vessel in the US Naval fleet. But the US Navy is committed and knows that someday, in the words of one Admiral who preferred to remain unidentified, “when you talk about one of our ships, you’ll feel confident you won’t offend it or anyone else around by referring to it by the wrong pronoun.”

Beto Surges To The Lead For Governor Of Texas In Poll Of Californians

December 14, 2021/in Commentary, Political Satire/by The Babylon Bee

CALIFORNIA—Beto O’Rourke has surged to the front of the Texas gubernatorial race according to a recent poll of Californians.

O’Rourke is polling at the front of the pack, being an incredibly popular candidate to become governor of Texas. Not, of course, among people who live in Texas, but he’s very well liked in California. While he’d be at the back of the pack in Texas, over 60% of Californians say they would vote for him as governor of Texas if they lived in Texas.

“This is great news for Beto,” said one CNN anchor. “I mean, it would be. If he were running for governor of California. He’s not. He’s running for governor of Texas. So. You know. It doesn’t really help him there. But it must make him feel really good.”

“So there’s that.”

At publishing time, Democrats had proposed allowing Californians to vote in Texas, a proposal that was wildly popular in California, but sadly, not in Texas, where the proposal will be voted on.

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The Magnificent Eight – now with Kyle Rittenhouse

December 11, 2021/in Commentary, Political Satire/by The Peoples Cube

Across cultures and historical periods, people who stick their necks out to defend the innocents have been always regarded as noble heroes. Seven Samurais in medieval Japan come to mind, and a subsequent remake set in 19th century America. Different time, different continents, same moral values.

Today this millennia-old morality is being turned upside down. We are expected to treat those who defend us as villains and murderers, and think of the bandits as noble heroes instead.

Similarly, throughout centuries, rebels like Robin Hood, who stood for the working people against the unreasonable government taxation, were favorite folk heroes. Today, we are expected to see big taxing government as our hero, and those who stand against the government expansion as domestic terrorists.

The Magnificent Seven of old would now also be called domestic terrorists and racist mass shooters.

What changed?

This post and pictures were inspired by KMTC.

VIEW ANOTHER MAGNIFICENT EIGHT POSTER

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‘1984’ Prequel Released Where People Beg Big Brother To Take Away Their Rights To Protect Them From Virus

December 11, 2021/in Commentary, Political Satire/by The Babylon Bee

U.S.—Harvill Secker Publishing Company has announced the release of a brand-new prequel to George Orwell’s classic, 1984. The new novel will describe the events leading up to 1984, where people beg Big Brother to take away their rights to protect them from a virus.

“1984: The Beginning describes how Oceana came to exist after the entire world got freaked out by a cold virus, causing them to completely give up all their individual rights and surrender to an evil globalist agenda that disguises itself as ‘science’,” said the anonymous author who writes under the pseudonym Pand Raul.

The New York Times praised the book as a “tour de force”, saying “We understand this is a completely fictional scenario that would never happen today, but it’s great fun to get lost in this completely fictional world that has no basis in our current reality whatsoever.”

UPDATE: The book has already been removed from store shelves and canceled by Amazon for its satirical depiction of scientific authorities who bear a striking resemblance to Dr. Anthony Fauci, whom Biden has just nominated to lead his new Ministry of Truth.

Citizens are encouraged to notify authorities should they see anyone reading this new book.

Remember, the Big Guy is watching!

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Revamped ‘Trans Siberian Orchestra’ Makes Splash

December 11, 2021/in Commentary, Political Satire/by The Peoples Cube

Tampa, FL — The Florida-based rock band / touring company formerly known as “Trans-Siberian Orchestra” has suddenly become extremely hip and popular by simply dropping the dash from its name and replacing it with a space. The band typically plays concerts nation-wide only for the month of Christmas in gigantic stadium shows.

They’ve been touring since 1997, but have noticed lately that attendance has dropped off. Georgia Napolitano, whose official title in the band is “Lead singer #9 of 17” put it this way: “Christmas just isn’t as popular as it used to be. And people are bored with pyrotechnics and light shows I think. Seems like most of them are on their phones during the show. We needed to spruce things up – make it more modern, you know?”

That update came from two simple changes: they dropped the ‘dash’ from their name to become “Trans Siberian Orchestra” and a few costume changes to celebrate cross-dressing members of the Udege indigenous peoples of Russia.

The change – and the success – was immediate. TSO Co-producer Robert Krinkel (no relation to Kris Krinkel) gave the history “We had one media push about the changes, and it got picked up on the Facebook – which I don’t personally use. That’s what my people tell me happened. It suddenly was big news everywhere. Rolling Stone, MSNBC, CNN, LA Times – everywhere. Some group called GLAD [sic] or something gave us an award. They were all saying we came out of a closet and are brave and relevant now…? I dunno about any of that, but I do know we’re in the black again. Merry Christmas, me!”

Cruel: Jussie Smollett Will Be Forced To Share A Jail Cell With His Attacker

December 10, 2021/in Commentary, Political Satire/by The Babylon Bee

CHICAGO, IL—People are protesting in the streets today after human rights groups revealed Jussie Smollett will be forced to share a jail cell with his racist attackers.

“This is an outrage!” said Reverend Jesse Jackson. “Not only was Mr. Smollett attacked by hateful racist bigots who want to tear our country apart, but now he has to share a jail cell with them? This is cruel and unusual punishment. This is the kind of thing that happens in our white supremacist country. Send me money!”

Criminal justice watchdogs also revealed that in addition to sharing a cell with his attackers, he will have to share his toothbrush, his bunk bed, and clothes. They expressed worry that this may lead to Jussie Smollet suffering further racist and homophobic attacks from other attackers named Jussie Smollett while in prison.

When asked for comment, Jussie Smollet angrily yelled “This is MAGA country!” before punching himself in the face.

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Top 10 Candidates To Replace Chris Cuomo

December 9, 2021/in Commentary, Political Satire/by The Babylon Bee

So, um, some people did something, and now CNN’s Primetime slot is empty! Oh no! While we are extremely sad to see the brilliant and legendary Chris Cuomo go, there are a ton of great candidates out there who would do a great job filling his shoes! Here are the top ten possible replacements for Chris Cuomo:

#1) Jussie Smollett: He has vast experience using fake news to gin up racial hatred. A perfect fit!

#2) Ghislaine Maxwell: For her skill in protecting serial sex predators.

#3) Luigi from Super Mario Brothers: The Primetime slot has been traditionally filled by a proud Italian-American. It should be given to another Italian.

#4) A bowl of fettuccine: Another Italian classic, albeit with a slightly higher I.Q.

#5) Brian Stelter: Because it’s high time this position was filled by a woman.

#6) One of those recorded messages from the airport loudspeaker that tells everyone where to find the bathrooms and newsstands: Would still provide more useful information than your average CNN host.

#7) Kamala Harris: Since she’s not currently doing anything.

#8) A Pfizer sales rep: Might as well hear your typical CNN news straight from the source for once!

#9) A female CNN intern: She could spend each night telling lurid stories of all the unspeakably gross stuff that happens at CNN every day! Guaranteed ratings boost!

10) Tucker Carlson: The universe would implode.

We can’t wait to see what CNN has in store for us!

NEW VIDEO: New Greta On The Shelf Doll Will Track Your Climate Sins

December 9, 2021/in Commentary, Political Satire/by The Babylon Bee

U.S.—A fun new “Greta on the Shelf” doll will watch you every day and fly back to the UN each night to report your climate sins to the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change.

The doll is equipped with eye sensors programmed to detect activities that are harmful to the environment.

“Greta sees you when you’re sleeping, she knows when you drive your SUV to the store instead of taking public transportation,” the manufacturer said. “She knows if you’ve been bad or carbon-neutral, so be carbon-neutral for goodness’ sake!”

One couple in Portland proudly displayed their new doll and lectured their children on the true meaning of Christmas: fighting climate change. “We’re gonna play a fun game for the holidays this year — try to be good little carbon-neutral children, or Greta will tell on you!”

“How dare you!” the doll chanted as the kids of the household left the door open while the heater was on. “You have stolen my dreams and my childhood.” The doll then blasted off toward UN headquarters using its jet engines to report on the naughty children, who will receive coal in their stocking. They will be snitched on again, however, if they burn the coal for warmth.

Greta is programmed to detect activities including these:

Leaving the light on when you exit a room
Leaving the fridge open
Driving an SUV
Parents participating in illicit activities that may lead to the creation of more humans
Using a plastic straw instead of sticking your face in a beverage and slurping
Forgetting your reusable grocery bags at home
Getting a cut-down Christmas tree
Getting a carbon-heavy plastic Christmas tree
Turning on any electric appliances
Using the heater instead of rubbing two sticks together for warmth

Children have responded enthusiastically to the doll so far, saying things like, “Mommy, I’m scared,” and “Make the bad girl go away.”

And if you’re sitting here thinking, “What the heck!? The Babylon Bee does videos?!” then boy, oh boy do we have a treat for you! Our YouTube channel has tons of glorious content like the videos below! Check them out now and subscribe to our YouTube channel for more!

To Save Time, Ghislaine Maxwell Just Lists The Hollywood Celebs And Politicians Who Didn’t Visit Epstein Island

December 8, 2021/in Commentary, Political Satire/by The Babylon Bee

NEW YORK, NY—The trial of Ghislaine Maxwell is underway but began to get bogged as Maxwell listed the names of people who had flown on Lolita Express and visited Epstein Island. Now, in order to save time, she will just list the names of Hollywood celebs and politicians who didn’t.

“Um, there are only, like 3 or 4 who didn’t,” said Maxwell, looking at the ceiling. “Let’s see, there’s, uh… Mel Gibson and Kirk Cameron… oh yeah, Keanu Reeves. Ron Paul. There were a few others, but that’s most of the big ones, I think.”

With this new testimony, almost every single elite celebrity and politician has been outed as a sex predator, confirming what every person on earth already suspected.

According to sources, FBI leadership in D.C. was going to open investigations into the political and Hollywood elites implicated in the testimony, but they quickly dropped all cases once they remembered that they themselves were also creepy sex predators who had visited Epstein Island.

Americans are demanding the firing of every politician in government and replacing all of them with Keanu Reeves.

Can you spot the racism in a road?

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Biden Administration Celebrates Creating 2 Whole Jobs

December 6, 2021/in Commentary, Political Satire/by The Babylon Bee

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Members of the Biden Administration were in high spirits and celebrating the nation’s burgeoning economy after the November jobs report showed an astounding growth of two whole jobs.

“That’s TWICE as many jobs as we expected to create, double the jobs. DOUBLE. That’s no joke,” said President Biden slowly, as if lost in a dream. “Republicans told me I couldn’t do it, Trump said I was a loser, Jill told me to eat all my pureed carrots, Cornpop is still talking to me right now. Shush Cornpop, quiet, you!”

Secretary of the Treasury Janet Yellen informed the press that the U.S. economy was now a raging, equitable bull, boasting that the two new jobs and two cents saved at the gas pump were all thanks to the administration’s progressive economic policies.

The two newly created jobs—Ambassador to Chinese Tech Oligarchs and Communications Go-Between for Ukrainian Oil Barons—were both filled by Hunter Biden.

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DeSantis Introduces Controversial Proposal To Grow Personal Army Of Uruk-Hai

December 6, 2021/in Commentary, Political Satire/by The Babylon Bee

TALLAHASSEE, FL —Florida Governor Ron DeSantis stirred up controversy this week after he proposed allocating state funds to grow his own personal army of Uruk-Hai orc warriors.

“Frankly, the federal government is terrible at everything, including the Army, which has been taken over by wimpy-dimpy pink-haired SJWs,” said DeSantis. “It’s time for Florida to breed its own Uruk-Hai force.”

DeSantis touted the many uses of a personal Uruk-Hai army, such as helping with hurricane relief, monitoring the polls on election day, and making sure public schools aren’t making kids wear masks.

“REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!” screamed every CNN anchor while breaking the story and running in circles with their hair on fire.

Pentagon officials condemned the proposal, saying Florida having its own Orc army controlled by the governor is “not fair,” as it competes with the Federal government’s orc army controlled by Joe Biden.

“States should not have their own military forces,” said General Milley. “The only military we allow should be the one controlled by the Pentagon, thoroughly trained in Critical Race Theory, and bearing the white hand of Biden.”

CNN has promised to stay on top of the story, as soon as they finish screaming.

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German Health Minister: ‘We Must Take Large Groups Of Unvaccinated And Concentrate Them Into Special Camps’

December 6, 2021/in Commentary, Political Satire/by The Babylon Bee

BERLIN—German Health Minister Jens Spahn has announced his aggressive plan to fight COVID, which will include gathering all the unvaccinated people and putting them in special secured areas where they won’t bother anyone.

“Ze key to fighting ze COVID iz very simple,” said Spahn. “Ve must concentrate all ze filthy undesirables into special camps with very tall barbed-wire fences all around, where they will not infect us with their filthy anti-vaxx presence anymore.”

Unvaccinated Germans will also be required to wear highly-visible markings on their clothing, so everyone will know to stay away from them, or turn them in if they attempt to buy food in a public market.

“Zis iz for ze good of ze German people,” continued Spahn. “Ve vill not tolerate zis disgusting unvaccinated in our presence anymore. Heil Science!”

Spahn then gave a very special pro-science salute.

Australia praised the move by the German Health Minister, saying it worked great for the Aborigines.

Babylon Bee subscriber Trevor Barrus contributed to this report. If you want to get involved with the staff writers at The Babylon Bee, check out our membership options here!

Struggling with your faith? Pondering a deconversion? This exvangelical, who has barely thought about anything she’s ever believed, can help.

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Jen Psaki Announces President Biden Will Visit Family Of Traumatized Waukesha SUV Driver

December 2, 2021/in Commentary, Political Satire/by The Babylon Bee

WASHINGTON D.C.—During a press conference today, Jen Psaki confirmed that President Biden will soon be visiting Waukesha to comfort the family of the traumatized SUV driver.

“President Biden has a big heart, and he truly cares for hurting people,” said Psaki. “He will be visiting Waukesha next week to console the family of Darrell Brooks, as they mourn the arrest of their loved one. Mr. Brooks was clearly the real victim here.”

“That Brooks guy’s a good guy, just made a mistake,” said Biden to the diaper pail in the corner of his restroom. “He was obviously scared and was running away from white supremacy or something like that. Made a wrong turn and then ran over 70 people while zig-zagging to hit as many as possible. Just slipped up, is all! Happens to the best of us! Come on, man!”

When asked whether Biden would be visiting the families of the victims, Psaki replied that the President has a busy schedule but they are in his thoughts and prayers.

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