Political Satire Archives - Page 8 of 13

Hitler Kicks Off ‘Minor Incursion’ Into Poland

January 22, 2022/in Commentary, Political Satire/by The Babylon Bee

FREE CITY OF DANZIG, 1939—Hitler’s recent maneuvers into Poland have many voicing their concerns that this is a serious invasion that could kick off a larger war, like a second war even worse than the Great War. But experts are cautioning against worrying too much about Adolf Hitler’s Poland activities, claiming that the German leader is simply performing “minor incursions” into the neighboring country.

World leaders and political analysts all agreed that there was little cause for concern from the small activities that Hitler may or may not be doing on, around, or across the Polish border.

“This is just a minor incursion,” said UK Prime Minister Neville Chamberlain. “There’s nothing to worry about here, and no further response is required. Sure, if this were a large-scale invasion that could develop into a big, worldwide war, we might be concerned. But it’s just a minor incursion, so it’s fine.”

“This is fine. This is all fine,” he added before sipping a tea and going off to his morning cricket match or game or whatever you call a cricket thing.

Hitler was incredibly grateful for Chamberlain’s understanding and says he’s planning a few special surprises to show his gratitude.

M&Ms Introduces New Trans Character Who Identifies As A Skittle

January 22, 2022/in Commentary, Political Satire/by The Babylon Bee

U.S.—As part of a bold new marketing strategy to promote inclusivity and appeal to less than 1% of the population, Mars, Incorporated has introduced a new M&M character who identifies as a Skittle.

“I’m gonna be honest here. We basically are doing this because it’s hip and makes us look cool,” said Mars, Incorporated CEO Franklin Crunchy. “And that adds to the bottom line. I think we can make a decent fortune by comparing the hardship of real trans people to a wacky cartoon character.”

“Trans people deserve to be represented by M&Ms,” he continued. “Our Trans-Skittle character will help us break chocolate-covered barriers in your mouth and not in your hands.”

The new character, named Quinn, is an M&M that wears an “S” because they haven’t had letter reassignment surgery yet. On the inside, Quinn has the same chocolate taste because it isn’t able to change anything but its outward appearance.

“We just want to let the trans community know that M&M supports you and wants your money!” said the Mars CEO.

The LGBTQ+ community took to Twitter to ask why there isn’t a Latinx M&M. “Do better,” tweeted user @ihatemyself.

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10 Surefire Ways To Get Out Of Wearing A Mask When Someone Tells You To

January 20, 2022/in Commentary, Political Satire/by The Babylon Bee

Everywhere you look, there are petty tyrants trying to steal your freedom by making you wear a mask! We say ENOUGH! If you’re as sick of it as we are, here are 10 handy methods to help you avoid wearing a mask when someone tells you to!

1) Smack them with your pocket Constitution – A Bill of Rights to the face oughtta stop them.

2) Shout “Am I being detained?!” while waving your Gadsden flag – NO STEP ON SNEK!

3) Slowly eat a giant tub of cheese puffs – As long as you’re eating, you don’t have to wear a mask.

4) Dress up as an illegal immigrant – They get to move about freely. Thanks, Biden!

5) Wear a “Tax the Rich” dress and pretend you’re at the Met Gala. – AOC showed us how well this one works.

6) Smugly tell them you identify as wearing a mask. – LOLOLOLOL OWNED. Classic joke.

7) Summon the musket-wielding minutemen. – Rise up, brothers! Tally ho!

8) Wave a Scottish claymore around above your head while screaming “FREEEEEEDOM!” – Works every time.

9) Put on your “Trump Won” mask – They’ll instantly regret their decision to make you wear one. 4D chess!

10) Just put on the mask like the brainwashed beta cuck sheeple you are. – Time to embrace your identity as a total loser. Baaaa!!!

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Democrats Warn That Republicans Plan To Steal Election By Blocking Democrat Efforts To Steal Election

January 20, 2022/in Commentary, Political Satire/by The Babylon Bee

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Democrats have issued a dire warning to the American people that Republicans will steal the election in 2022 by blocking all Democrat efforts to steal the election.

“Republicans want to destroy our democracy by stealing the election, just like Hitler,” said Nancy Pelosi in a speech supporting the Voting Rights Act. “If Republicans are not stopped, they will block all our noble efforts to steal the election for ourselves, because Republicans are racist and want to bring back Jim Crow. We cannot allow that!”

The crowd of enthusiastic school kids in the audience who had been bussed in for the speech cheered in agreement.

Democrat strategists agree that their best hope in the midterms is to cheat as much as possible. They warn that if their cheating is stopped by Republicans, Republican candidates may win, which is the same thing as literal fascism.

“When Democrats cheat, that’s just Democracy as Martin Luther King intended,” said Pelosi. “When Republicans stop Democrats from cheating, that’s an unfair attack on Democracy itself. We will not rest until the will of felons, illegal immigrants, and dead people are heard and every vote is counted!”

Republicans started to say something in objection but stopped short after being told that was cheating.

Gregory Ilinovich loves murdering people with illegal guns – so he’s a bit concerned about all these new gun regulations. Luckily, he tends not to follow laws anyway.

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San Francisco Walgreens Introduces New Frequent Looter Rewards Punch Card

January 18, 2022/in Commentary, Political Satire/by The Babylon Bee

SAN FRANCISCO, CA—In response to record levels of unprosecuted shoplifting, Walgreens stores in San Francisco have introduced a new “Frequent Looter Rewards Card.”

“If you can’t beat ’em, I guess all you can do is join ’em,” said Sandra Lopez, regional manager in charge of 8 locations in the Bay Area. “We don’t even have regular shoppers anymore—just looters.”

The new punch cards will help looters keep track of their visits and allow store owners to better track their shrink levels so they can more easily make insurance claims.

“Yes, I realize this makes no sense. Some might even call it insane,” said Lopez, “but nothing makes sense here in San Francisco. I’m not even sure what I’m doing here anymore. The only reason I even still live here is that there are no more U-Hauls available.”

San Francisco’s DA has confirmed that looters who visit a Walgreens 10 times will be awarded a free pack of cigarettes and a mail-in voter registration.

Kamala Harris Aide Breaks Silence on toxic work environment.

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To Save Time, Biden To Ship 500 Million Free Masks Directly To Landfill

January 17, 2022/in Commentary, Political Satire/by The Babylon Bee

WASHINGTON, D.C.—The White House is releasing new details surrounding President Biden’s plan to send free facemasks to every American. In an effort to save time, the free masks will be shipped directly to landfills nationwide.

“The science tells us that wearing a high-quality mask over your nose and mouth probably might possibly help prevent COVID maybe,” said press secretary Jen Psaki. “Therefore, the President is committed to making sure every American has access to a medium-quality government mask manufactured by the lowest bidder.”

“That being said, we realize that anyone who wants to wear a mask probably owns several dozen already,” Psaki continued. “We also know that many others want your grandmother to die and thus refuse to wear masks at all. So, to save money, we’ll be shipping all masks directly to local landfills.”

Joe Marsecci, chairman of the Masked Citizens Environmental Alliance, praised the Biden administration’s decision. “The decision to ship these masks directly to the landfill saves both time and money, as well as reducing carbon emissions from delivery and waste-hauling services,” Marsecci said. “The only thing more ecologically responsible would be dumping all the masks directly into the ocean.”

At press time, the White House was denying reports that Biden’s plan to purchase 500 million facemasks was in any way related to his son Hunter being named chairman of the board of a large Ukrainian facemask conglomerate.

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Report: Inflation Now Higher Than Biden’s Approval Rating

January 14, 2022/in Commentary, Political Satire/by The Babylon Bee

U.S.—In a historic first, the inflation rate of the U.S. Dollar has surpassed the approval rating of the President.

“Wow! My inflation is way higher than Trump’s inflation! Record high! Take that, Trump!” said Biden to a bowl of oranges he had mistaken for Trump. “It’s so high it even passed my really high approval rating! That’s how you do it, Jack!”

Biden’s aides then rushed in to explain that high inflation is a bad thing.

According to experts, runaway inflation is so high that it has broken the inflation meters on all the economist’s inflation measuring machines. Many are concerned this will make the poor become instantly much poorer, even as the wealthy and the political class are protected since they are able to ride on top of the inflation wave on their very expensive inflation wave surfboards.

Biden’s approval rating is not doing nearly as well, with several pollsters revealing it has melted down and sunk deep into the Earth’s core like a massive malfunctioning nuclear reactor.

The administration hopes they can turn things around by passing some massively popular legislation, like a federal takeover of elections or mandated Pfizer drugs for all.

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Biden Recounts Time He Was Arrested At A Civil Rights Protest For Wearing A White Hood

January 14, 2022/in Commentary, Political Satire/by The Babylon Bee

ATLANTA, GA—In a stirring speech in Atlanta this week, Biden recounted the time he was heroically arrested at a civil rights protest simply for wearing a white hood.

“There I was, outside a school protesting against school integration with my best pal KKK member Robert Byrd, and the cops were escorting black kids into the school,” said Biden. “And then I said ‘You won’t turn my school into a racial jungle! I’m gonna wrap this chain around your head!’ And then the cops arrested me and escorted me to their police car and bought me Burger King. It was delicious. Build Back Better! Universal mail-in voting! Yay!”

The audience seemed confused until several Democrat leaders instructed the audience to clap and cheer.

“Yay! Build Back Better! Universal mail-in voting!” they all cheered.

Biden’s address has been hailed in the media as a “powerful call to America to be on the right side of history” and “a totally not racist speech.”

Democrats have instructed black leaders to instruct black people that whatever the 80-year-old white racist said in his speech was a “good thing” and they should fully support it if they want “liberation and equality and all that stuff.”

Republicans pounced on the speech, likely because they’re racist.

Chris Smitherson has a problem: he’s unvaccinated — which means he’s left out of all activities as he doesn’t have COVID like his vaccinated friends. Thoughts and prayers.

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10 Upcoming Fabricated Media Narratives For 2022

January 13, 2022/in Commentary, Political Satire/by The Babylon Bee

Fake news is a common problem these days. We can’t begin to tell you how many times “experts” tricked us into believing Nancy Pelosi had real eyebrows over the past year. This year looks to be as confusing as ever, so we must stay on guard for blatant lies perpetuated by the mainstream media.

To help you get ahead of the curve, keep in mind these ten upcoming fabricated media narratives in 2022.

1) The vaccine didn’t work. Here’s why that’s actually a good thing: They’ll explain it all in a very brilliant NYT op-ed.

2) Most greenhouse gasses are produced by people complaining about high gas prices: This is all your fault, you ingrate. Stop complaining!

3) Rand Paul only criticizes Fauci because he can’t date him: Just look at the way Rand Paul looks into those beady little eyes. He’s clearly in love.

4) Botched eyebrow lifts are really a sign of stunning bravery: Would you have the courage to walk out of the house like that? Didn’t think so.

5) Climate change is inflicting the equivalent of twelve January 6ths on our democracy every day: Actually, this one is probably true. Greenhouse gases do tend to wander around buildings aimlessly and be almost completely harmless.

6) Companies relocating from California to Texas are transphobic: Why else would people leave California?

7) Inflation actually reverses climate change: Great news! Bring on the inflation!

8) Gov. DeSantis is the cause of all hurricanes: He uses his secret weather machine. What a jerk!

9) The skyrocketing crime rate is the fault of the unvaccinated: To be fair, everything is the fault of the unvaccinated.

10) Afghanistan has become a beautiful, egalitarian utopia: Look! They’re letting women be suicide bombers too!

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Nation Observes 0 Seconds Of Silence To Read The Names Of Those Killed By Trump Supporters On January 6th

January 10, 2022/in Commentary, Political Satire/by The Babylon Bee

WASHINGTON, D.C.–Following President Biden’s speech yesterday, the nation observed a moment of silence lasting exactly 0 seconds long as they read the names of those who suffered death at the hands of supporters of former President Donald J. Trump.

Vice President Kamala Harris thanked Biden for his bold speech and took to the podium to announce the moment of silence. An intern then reverently handed her a folded piece of paper.

Several media pundits watched as Harris carefully unfolded the paper and stared at it blankly for a moment before waving the intern back. The vice president could be heard whispering, “This is blank.”

Kamala Harris then cackled wildly and said, “Thank you. This is a somber day.” before slinking back into the shadow from whence she came.

Biden returned to the podium to thank President Harris for her fine work on the border. “Kelloramatap. Pollinwaffle.” he added with tears in his eyes.

MSNBC’s Joy Reid later said of the event, “So many people must have died that she couldn’t bear to read it. Truly shocking. I’m more encouraged than ever to hate white people.”

Rep. Adam Schiff of California was quick to point out that just because no one actually “died” doesn’t mean Trump didn’t “kill” them.

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AOC Lays Wreath At Her Grave On January 6th

January 7, 2022/in Commentary, Political Satire/by The Babylon Bee

BRONX, NY—United States Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez visited Woodlawn Cemetery this morning to grieve in quiet dignity at her own grave on the 1-year anniversary of her death on January 6. She was seen openly weeping and tearing her clothes by the photo crew she brought with her.

AOC, who was killed in the Capitol’s House Chamber by murderous Trump supporters, left a wreath where her body had been peacefully laid to rest. Though she made no official statements, eyewitness testimony claims she “looked mournfully off into the distance” as if contemplating the fleeting brevity of life.

“She just looked so brave and helpless,” said Jim Acosta from the scene. “I could see that she was clearly hurting. I don’t know how she gets up in the morning, especially since she’s already dead. What a fighter.”

Once her camera crew confirmed they had several good shots, she wiped her eyes, slowly walked to her brand-new Tesla, and drove off—leaving a crew of professional mourners in her wake.

Visitors to the cemetery are advised to socially distance and mask up while mourning the loss of America’s greatest congresswoman. For those mourning remotely, a contribution can be made to AOC’s 2022 campaign.

Businesses Now Requiring Positive COVID Test As Proof Of Vaccination

January 7, 2022/in Commentary, Political Satire/by The Babylon Bee

U.S.–American businesses are now requiring employees to test positive for COVID before beginning their workday, since catching COVID is now the best way to prove you’ve been vaccinated.

The new self-imposed mandates come hot on the heels of President Biden threatening to maybe require it among federal employees at some arbitrary point in the future possibly.

Dr. Anthony Fauci has applauded the businesses for the new approach. “You know, since the vaccine has been so perfect, but ineffectual, this will enable people to take advantage of natural immunity as if it were a sort of booster shot. I think the sooner we all get sick the better because it’ll really bump up that vaccine efficacy.”

“We do still recommend masks, though,” he added.

California governor Gavin Newsom has picked up on the new trend and doubled down with a new requirement that all Californians be forcibly infected by a legion of transients. The new program is expected to create millions of jobs.

We’re live on the scene at the Capitol building as the FBI hosts their beloved annual January 6 reunion. Good times!

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10 Reasons Remote Learning Is So Much Better For Children

January 7, 2022/in Commentary, Political Satire/by The Babylon Bee

Let us rejoice, for teachers unions have once again rallied to protect the futures of vulnerable children by demanding months of remote learning.

If you are too ignorant to see how beneficial remote learning can be for your school-aged children, then let us blow you away with these facts:

1) It prepares them for life as adult drones staring at screens for hours: Experts agree, the one thing children need more of is screen time.

2) It will definitely not lead to a mental health crisis and surging suicides like it did last time: Additionally, it is sure to stop the spread of COVID-19, THIS TIME.

3) Face-to-face interaction sometimes leads to free thinking: We are well aware of the dangers caused by free thinking, aren’t we comrade?

4) Slight reduction in wedgies: Incessant bullying will be limited to older brothers.

5) It’s easier for the teacher to hide a Bloody Mary in her can of Diet Coke: And the little brats will stop asking why she smells like booze.

6) Representatives from the teachers union stopped by with some very convincing points: A few points included lead pipes and shattered patellas.

7) It didn’t work last time, and why change what didn’t work?: This is the official motto of the U.S. Department of Education.

8) The perfect transition to homeschooling: Plus, it will usher in traditional family structure as women are forced to abandon the workforce.

9) Eases kids into eventually being plugged into the matrix: It’s inevitable, but at least the steak will taste nice and you’ll know Kung Fu.

10) Fewer Chicago kids will get shot on their way to school: Actually, this one makes sense.

Trump Sneaks Back On Twitter By Disguising Self As PR Rep For Chinese Communist Party

January 5, 2022/in Commentary, Political Satire/by The Babylon Bee

U.S.—Donald Trump was permanently banned from Twitter today, being a crazy fringe extremist who also happens to be the president of the United States.

But the ever-clever Trump, always known as the smartest man in the room, has managed to get back on the social network by disguising himself as one Chongald Xrump, PR specialist for the Chinese Communist Party.

Trump is reportedly attempting to build a following by tweeting about how good Uighur concentration camps are and how nice the Chinese government is, since those things are not banned under Twitter’s terms of service. Once he has enough followers, he’ll remove his Asian rice hat and false Fu Manchu mustache and begin tweeting about the rigged election once again.

“Hello good sirs, I am here today to tell you how great our concentration camps are! Very clean and humane!” he wrote. The tweet was not flagged for inciting violence or being, you know, the tweet of a communist country that has killed tens of millions of its own citizens. In fact, people who replied and questioned the legitimacy of his tweet were suspended for hate speech.

Should his ploy fail, Trump says he will next try disguising himself as an Antifa leader.

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Unvaccinated Man Feeling Left Out As All His Vaccinated Friends Have COVID

January 3, 2022/in Commentary, Political Satire/by The Babylon Bee

CLEVELAND, OH—Local unvaccinated man Chuck Dornley is feeling very left out this holiday season, as all his vaccinated friends have now contracted COVID.

“Maybe I should have just gotten vaccinated,” said Dornley. Then I’d have COVID like everyone else and I and my vaccinated friends would have something to talk about. Now I’m all by myself feeling healthy. Such a bummer!”

Dornley said to reporters that he also felt left out several months ago when he got COVID himself, and everyone was calling him a “grandma killer.” He hopes that once everything gets back to normal, he can go back to feeling left out for being a Cleveland Browns fan.

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