Satire Archives - Page 11 of 57

Biden Says If Everyone Is On Their Best Behavior He Might Allow Some Limited Freedoms On July 4

March 16, 2021/in Commentary, Satire/by The Babylon Bee

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In his address to the nation yesterday, President Joe Biden said if everyone is very good this year, he’ll allow Americans to have some limited freedoms on July 4.

“If you are all good boys and girls, we can have a few freedoms back on the fourth of July,” he said. “It’ll be a nice treat for doing such a good job listening. Who’s a good boy? You are, Americans!”

Some of the freedoms Biden says Americans will be granted will include the following:

Gathering in small groups of 1-3
Enjoying barbecued food as long as it’s covered in hand sanitizer
Shouting “Freedom!” as long as you shout quieter than you speak and everyone is wearing masks
Launching government-approved fireworks that don’t spread too much celebration and freedom
Waving flags as long as they aren’t the American flag

Americans say they are very excited by the prospect of maybe being able to celebrate some limited freedoms this year as long as they are on their best behavior. “Thanks, government!” said one man in New York. “I’m going to do my best to follow the rules so that maybe the government will let me have some very limited liberties this year!”

“That’s what Independence Day is all about!”

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Here Are The 7 Telltale Signs Your Newborn Baby Is A Racist

March 12, 2021/in Commentary, Satire/by The Babylon Bee

Have you or a loved one had a baby recently? We hate to say this, but you may have just brought a white supremacist into the world.

Don’t worry though– we’re here to help! It’s important to always look for clues of racist tendencies in your newborn so you can nip that in the bud! Here are the troubling 7 signs:

He’s white, which automatically makes him racist: If your newborn is white, then sorry– its game over. Your baby will be irredeemably racist forever. Sad.

Completely illiterate, just like most Nazis: What? Your newborn can’t read? Then he’s probably been radicalized by alt-right personalities on YouTube.

No hair, which is a common Neo-Nazi hairstyle: Is your baby a skinhead? Having no hair is a colossal red flag. If your newborn is bald, make him wear a wig until his hair grows in.

Enjoys bedtime stories written by notorious racist Dr. Seuss: Books by Dr. Seuss are a gateway drug to literally burning crosses in people’s front yards. Teach your child to burn those books instead.

Shows his white fragility by crying all the time: Crying is a sure sign of defensiveness and fear of honest conversations around race. Not good!

Refuses to say “black lives matter”: Seriously– what’s so hard about saying “black lives matter”? If instead, he says things like “goo goo ga ga”, this is even more troubling. The phrase “goo goo ga ga” has 10 letters in it. Do you know what else has 10 letters? “Heil Hitler.”

Shows colorblindness by playing with other kids regardless of race: Color blindness is racist. Minorities need their own separate spaces without white invaders. Decolonize your playtime, Mom and Dad!

If you remain vigilant, you may play a part in preventing another baby from becoming racist! Unless he’s white, of course.

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After Long Day Of Burning Books, Progressive Unwinds By Calling People Nazis

March 10, 2021/in Commentary, Satire/by The Babylon Bee

PORTLAND, OR—It’s been a busy day for progressive Stuart Garner. After spending most of the day fighting to have certain books banned and trying to stop unfettered free speech, he wound down by accusing those opposed to him of being Nazis.

“There’s just so much to do,” Garner said. “There are all these books no one should be allowed to read, and yet bookstores keep selling them. And then people say lots of dangerous, unregulated things, and it all needs to be taken offline. But of course, we have these Nazis against such things saying, ‘People should be able to buy whatever books they like and say what they think.’ Typical Nazi rhetoric.”

The situation has gotten so dire that Garner has sometimes turned to destruction of property and attacking people to get his way. “We have to stop all this problematic stuff by whatever means necessary. But you know what Nazis think of political violence. They hate it.”

Garner worries that there are too many Nazis out there — probably because they didn’t ban books and regulate speech quickly enough. He’s starting to wonder if the only way to fight them will be to round them up and reeducate them. “Of course I can hear those Nazis now,” he added. “‘You can’t round people up into camps.’ Those Nazis are the worst.”

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Governor Cuomo Capitalizes On Sex Scandal With New Romance Novel

March 8, 2021/in Commentary, Satire/by The Babylon Bee

ALBANY, NY—Governor Andrew Cuomo has found himself in the middle of a sex scandal. When he found himself in hot water last year, though, for killing a bunch of seniors, he released a book about it. So, he called up his literary agent and quickly got a book proposal together. He landed a cool seven-figure deal in no time, and you can now pick up Hot New York Nights wherever books are sold.

The book follows the tale — and tail — of a domineering New York state governor who grabs women on the face and asks them if they’d like to be kissed. Steamy passages detail the governor’s escapades with multiple women as he hits on them, forces them to kiss him, and pressures them for favors across New York’s thriving nightclub scene. Finally, Cuomo and one of the women find some alone time in a recently vacated nursing home, and their passions overtake them.

Reviewers everywhere praised the work as groundbreaking, saying it renewed their love affair with the media’s darling governor. “Honestly, I couldn’t put this thing down!” said Brian Stelter, red in the face. “Is it hot in here? It’s like, my, oh my! Just when you think it’s finally cooling down, the book keeps ramping things up. Hot, hot, hot!”

Cuomo is up for a National Book Award, a second Emmy, and a Nobel Peace Prize for his work on the novel.

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Experts Warn Lifting Mask Mandates Could Contribute To Dangerous Spread Of Freedom

March 5, 2021/in Commentary, Satire/by The Babylon Bee

U.S.—Experts have issued a dire warning to the nation that the lifting of mask mandates, business closures, and capacity limits in Texas and Mississippi could contribute to the spread of liberty across the nation.

“As states like Texas begin to lift their mandates, we could be seeing a deadly outbreak of freedom, liberty, and personal responsibility all across the nation,” said Dr. Andy Patton of MIT. “We’re really not encouraged by the numbers here.”

“I’m worried other states will see this. People will start thinking they are supposed to take responsibility for their own health and their own decisions. And that’s just not what America is about.”

In a sweeping consensus, scientists all agreed that one state finally ending its unconstitutional mandates could lead to other states doing the same. Consequences could be severe, ranging from people doing what they want and just living their lives, to the populace attaining herd immunity and making government action on the pandemic irrelevant.

California and New York quickly responded to the declaration with emergency bans on importing any freedom from Texas, Mississippi, Florida, or South Dakota.

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Women’s History Month Canceled For Implying There Is Such A Thing As ‘Women’

March 3, 2021/in Commentary, Satire/by The Babylon Bee

U.S.—Leftist protesters began to riot, mostly peacefully, over the start of Women’s History Month, since the hateful tradition implies there is such a thing as men and women.

“Women’s History Month is perpetuating the toxic idea that there is a biological category called ‘women’!!!” screamed one woman at a riot in Portland. “It’s time for this patriarchal holiday to come crashing to the ground, so we might forever end the class known as ‘women.'”

“Down with women! Down with women!”

The protesters marched down the streets of U.S. cities, decrying the month as hateful and bigoted for its sexist, TERF-sympathetic implications. They threw bricks at anyone with obvious feminine features, assuming them to be perpetuating the idea that “women” exist, though they did accidentally bash in the skulls of some Antifa males.

In place of Women’s History Month, the protesters are asking for a “Scream at the Sky Month,” which will be like all the other months but only a little bit louder.

Cuomo Assures Public He Always Kept Mask On While Sexually Harassing Women

March 3, 2021/in Commentary, Satire/by The Babylon Bee

ALBANY, NY—New York Governor Andrew Cuomo apologized this weekend for his long-standing habit of sexually abusing young women he holds power over. And while that all sounds quite bad, Governor Cuomo did make it clear to the public that he always wore a mask and socially distanced during these interactions– a fact that has some folks saying he should get off free.

“I have the greatest respect for my employees,” Cuomo explained during a press conference. “Especially the girls—we’ve got a lot of young girls on staff who do a really good job.” Cuomo paused for a moment and seemed to wink at someone offscreen. “And I can guarantee you right now, sure I might be a sexual predator, but not once did I remove my mask, never once broke the six-foot rule during conversations with my girls– at least in 2020. Isn’t that right, Kelly?”

Cuomo went on to explain how some of his sexual jokes may not have landed with the women since they couldn’t see his facial expressions. He also claimed that the women may have misheard him since his words were muffled by his mask and they were standing so far apart.

“Do I regret making those comments?” Cuomo asked as he stood up to leave the press conference. “No. Now if you’ll excuse me I’ve got some strip poker, er– I mean poker, to play.”

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Proud Obama Awards His Nobel Peace Prize To Biden For Bombing Syria

March 2, 2021/in Commentary, Satire/by The Babylon Bee

WASHINGTON, D.C.—President Joe Biden has in his first one hundred days hit a milestone of every American presidency — bombing the Middle East. This has been met with praise from former President Barack Obama, who, in a symbolic gesture, handed over his Nobel Peace Prize to Biden.

“Here, you deserve this now,” said Obama to Biden. “I am so proud of you.”

Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize in 2009 — the first time the prize was awarded to someone simply for existing. He then made sure all bombs and missiles had written on them, “From Nobel Peace Prize Winner Barack Obama,” so people knew they weren’t being incinerated by some heartless warmonger.

Biden has now continued the tradition, striking militia groups in Syria. Biden says he knew the militia groups were up to something because they were in Syria, a place commonly bombed by the U.S. Biden just quietly bombed them, a big difference from Donald Trump, who would often precede his bombings with mean tweets like, “I’M GONNA BOMB YA!”

Syrians seem to have noted the difference. “Ah! We’re being bombed again!” said a Syrian, fleeing bombs.

Biden seems to have really appreciated the gesture of Obama handing over his Nobel Peace Prize, though Obama had to keep telling Biden it wasn’t chocolate, as Biden kept sticking it in his mouth.

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Coca-Cola Holds Training Telling Polar Bears To Be Less White

February 27, 2021/in Commentary, Satire/by The Babylon Bee

ATLANTA, GA—Coca-Cola held training last week telling its polar bear mascots to be less white, sources within the company confirmed Thursday.

A leaked slideshow trains the polar bears to stop being so white and to be more like black and brown bears.

“You must all be less white,” said the diversity trainer, polar bear Roarbin DiArctico. “You must examine yourselves to find the whiteness within and eliminate all traces of it. Just by being born a polar bear, you automatically become an oppressor of black bears, brown bears, grizzly bears, and all other BOC around the world.”

One polar bear protested, saying he’s actually black underneath and it’s just the outer fur that’s white. He was told that facts are tools of polar bear supremacy, and by protesting the idea that he might be a bear racist, he was in fact perpetuating bear racism. He’s been assigned an extra thousand hours of diversity training before he’ll be allowed back in Coca-Cola commercials.

At publishing time, one of the polar bears had tried to comply with the mandate by painting himself black, offending black bears everywhere and causing him to be fired.

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Compassionate Biden Moves Migrant Children From Cages Into Humane High-Security Metal Containment Cubes

February 25, 2021/in Commentary, Satire/by The Babylon Bee

CARRIZO SPRINGS, TX—Biden has finally ended the cruel and long-standing Trump practice of keeping migrant kids in cages, and has elected to move them into much more compassionate “high-security metal containment cubes.”

“We are proud of our cute little containment cubes,” said Kamala Harris while loudly laughing for some inexplicable reason. “Look at them all neat and tidy, lined up in a row! Hahahahahaha!”

The new administration has assured the American people that the containment cubes are “completely different” than the evil cages Trump used to use, mainly because they are called “containment cubes” instead of cages.

Social workers on the border confirmed the children will be given up to three meals per day, will be allowed to attend anti-racism classes on Zoom, and provided with free air conditioning–at least when the power is working.

Children will be kept in these highly humane holding units until the cubes can be conveniently loaded onto a truck and shipped back to South America.

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7 Ways You Can Be Less White

February 24, 2021/in Commentary, Satire/by The Babylon Bee

More and more corporations are requiring their employees to be less white, in an attempt to stop racism forever. But it’s hard to know how to do that, since at first blush, that SEEMS really racist and impossible. But it’s not. It’s actually really easy if you follow these seven simple steps:

1. Burn all your Live, Laugh, Love signs. This is the first step to renouncing whiteness. Find every last “Live, Laugh, Love” sign in your home, every “Too Blessed To Be Stressed” trinket, and every “All I Need Is A Little Bit Of Coffee And A Whole Lot Of Jesus” mug and burn them as you think about your inherently sinful whiteness.

2. Rip off your skin. This is an easy one!

3. Kill yourself. Even easier! For best results, rip off your skin, then kill yourself.

4. Announce that you identify as a person of color. Wait, never mind. This one might be cultural appropriation. You also might be mistaken for a conservative trying to come up with a third joke.

5. Throw out all your ranch dressing. Ranch dressing, mayo — it’s all gotta go.

6. Take dance classes. This is a hard step, but it’s worth it. As you learn to dance to a beat, your whiteness will begin to melt away.

7. Hate yourself every waking moment until you have sufficiently atoned for your whiteness. Oops! Spoiler alert: you’ll never sufficiently atone for your whiteness. Better go back to step 3.

There you go! Racism ended forever!

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Biden Announces Ambitious Goal Of $100 Per Gallon Gas By End Of First 100 Days In Office

February 23, 2021/in Commentary, Satire/by The Babylon Bee

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In spite of Democrats’ best efforts to curb the use of fossil fuels, stubborn Americans continue to use them to power their automobiles and heat their homes. Biden is responding to this crisis with an ambitious new plan to raise the price of gas to $100 per gallon by the end of his first 100 days in office.

“Listen– all these fossil fuels, they gotta stop! Gotta stop!” Biden said to the Secret Service agent pumping gas into his presidential limo. “We gotta do something about these selfish Americans and one-horse kangaroo herders burning all these fuels without consequences. I know consequences. Just ask Corn Pop and his buddies. When I’m done with ’em, these Americans will never burn a gallon of gas again, Jack!”

The administration has announced the “Gas Prices To The Mooooon” campaign– a series of executive orders designed to drive the price of fuel up to make it unattainable to anyone except John Kerry.

When confronted with the question of how Americans will afford to get around with $100-per-gallon gas, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi suggested they stay home and eat some ice cream instead.

Currently, the average price stands at $2.53 per gallon and rising, which experts say is likely Trump’s fault.

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Media Informs Ted Cruz You Can Only Travel During A Crisis If You’re A Democrat

February 20, 2021/in Commentary, Satire/by The Babylon Bee

CANCUN—Ted Cruz is really ignorant of how to be a politician. The guy traveled during a crisis in his state, and he isn’t even a Democrat.

What an idiot!

The media informed Cruz of his faux pas as soon as he landed in the Yucatán Peninsula, shouting at him that he’s not allowed to travel during a crisis, since he has an “R” next to his name.

“You can only get away with traveling during a crisis if you specifically tell people to stay home and then don’t stay home yourself!” screamed a CNN journalist on the scene as Cruz landed. “Oh, and of course, you have to be a liberal!”

A Univision reporter shouted, “Ay, Caramba!” which is reportedly a Spanish phrase meaning, “Your hypocrisy is unforgivable because you are a Republican, you moron!”

“Well, y’all, I shore am sorry,” Cruz said from his resort in sunny Cancun. “I hadn’t realized I would only get a pass for this if I was a liberal. Boy, howdy, am I in hot stew now, ya hear?”

At publishing time, Cruz had flown back to Texas and promised to do better, or at least to switch parties before he traveled during a crisis next time.

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Biden Defends Hitler’s Concentration Camps: ‘Nazi Germany Just Had Different Norms’

February 18, 2021/in Commentary, Satire/by The Babylon Bee

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a recent presidential town hall on CNN, Biden appeared to excuse the treatment of Jews in Hitler’s concentration camps due to “differences in cultural norms.”

“Listen, folks– I was just on the phone with Adolf and I was like, ‘Hey, man! You know that whole thing with the camps? You and I may not see eye to eye on those things. That’s OK, Jack! Different norms!'”

“The thing that struck me about President Biden’s town hall — aside from a few completely innocent and harmless missteps — is just how empathetic and compassionate our new president is,” said CNN Anchor Don Lemon. “Frankly, I would rather have a president who defends concentration camps with compassion than one who attacks them with a mean and nasty tone. That’s really what matters here.”

Biden’s performance at the town hall is being universally praised in the media as “adorable,” “sweet,” “comforting,” and “mostly true.”

Uighur Muslims in China also released a statement saying: “Wow–this guy really seems to care. That makes us feel so much better!”

When questioned by several human rights groups about the President’s statements, Biden’s press secretary promised to “circle back.”

Journalists Cheer As Jen Psaki Announces The Gulags Will Be Run By A Woman Of Color

February 18, 2021/in Commentary, Satire/by The Babylon Bee

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Journalists around the nation erupted in boisterous cheers when White House Press Secretary, Jen Psaki, announced that the gulags will be run by a woman of color.

The announcement came as a result of an unscripted moment when a reporter relayed to Psaki a question from a concerned citizen back home, “What is President Biden doing for my small business?”

Psaki didn’t miss a beat showing how clearly prepared she was for such a hard-hitting question.

“First and foremost, Joe Biden nominated a woman of color to run the forced labor camps, what many experts in this administration are referring to affectionately as the gulags.”

The journalists began hooting, hollering, clapping, and erupting into chants of “Four More Years” when Psaki’s announcement dropped that dissidents and undesirables accused of wrongthink would be sent to forced labor camps run by a woman of color.

At publishing time, children being kept in immigration detention centers were reportedly “glad” to hear news that I.C.E. may be folded into the progressive new gulag system.

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