MONTPELIER, VT—In an address from one of his homes, Bernie Sanders condemned BLM co-founder Patrisse Cullors for getting rich off politics and buying four homes.

After it came out that the co-founder of the movement had purchased multiple large homes, Sanders quickly held a press conference condemning her “callous and unfair profiteering.”

“No one in politics should be able to profit off their followers and buy four homes,” Sanders said as he looked out at the quaint Vermont lake near one of his many, many houses. “Four homes? That’s ridiculous. Who needs four homes!? No one, that’s who. Three homes, now, fine, you might have an argument. I could see needing a home near your office, a home in your hometown, and maybe a quiet retreat up in the mountains. Near a lake perhaps. That makes sense. Any politician could use three houses. You’re practically still poor at that point.”

“But four? People who own four homes are the problem with this country.”

Sanders then said he was proposing legislation that anyone who owns four homes be banished to Toledo, Ohio for the rest of their days, while people who own just three homes have statues erected in their honor for their brave fight against capitalism and injustice.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg has proposed a novel plan for promoting equality in our nation’s highways system, which literally has racism built into its DNA. His new plan promises to even things out for people of color by giving each race their own lane.

“Each race will be asked to stay in their lane,” Buttigieg said. “The fastest lanes, of course, will go to the most oppressed races, who can’t accomplish anything without the white man’s help.”

Lanes for persons of color will be luxurious wide lanes with no speed limits and no cops, since cops are racist. Lanes for white people will be packed with traffic and terribly maintained, so basically just what they are now in Democrat cities. In fact, Buttigieg says, any roads for white people that are currently in good condition will have cracks, potholes, and other imperfections added to them to ensure equality across the board.

“Everyone will have equal roads,” Buttigieg said. “But some are more equal than others — separate but equal.”

At publishing time, Buttigieg had confirmed there would be a special lane for the unvaccinated as well.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—Tech giant Google announced today that they are removing the entire state of Georgia from their Google Maps platform, effective immediately. This comes in response to the state’s recent voter law that many are calling racist.

“We cannot allow these racist laws to stand,” said a spokesman from the Google Office of Diversity, Inclusion, Anti-Racism, Climate Change, Immigration Reform, and LGBTQ Affairs. “That’s why we must act quickly to get states like Georgia off the map, both literally and figuratively.”

Starting today, the state of Georgia will be replaced with a blue body of water labeled “Sea of Racism” on all Google Maps platforms. Driving directions given by the site will be altered. For example, directions from South Carolina to Florida via I-95 will state: “continue south through the stupid Sea of Racism without stopping for 112 miles.”

Google will also be updating searches for locations inside the state. A search for directions to Atlanta, GA now returns the following message. “Location not found. Would you like to travel to a Google-approved destination such as Seattle, Minneapolis, or Beijing?”

The spokesman went on to clarify that Google hasn’t completely abandoned the state. “Google will still provide one-way driving directions out of the state for anyone who currently resides in Georgia,” he noted. “Also, we will still provide directions to any out-of-state celebrities or businesses who want to donate money to the Georgia Democratic Party.”

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Howard University has announced a very special virtual event that will be broadcast to college students this week. One of the hotly anticipated discussions will feature Kamala Harris and Harvey Weinstein as they talk about empowering women and girls.

“Listen– I like girls. All kinds of beautiful young girls– empowering them, I mean,” said Weinstein, who will be broadcasting from an upstate New York prison where he’s serving time for empowering too many girls.

Female VP Kamala Harris, who is empowered, also expressed excitement about the upcoming talk, saying: “HAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! A-HEE HEE HEE!”

The conversation will last 1 hour, and then Cruella Deville and Michael Vick will hold a special live discussion on humane puppy treatment.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Every time something bad happens, we start thinking, “What was the real motivation here? Was this just a terrible tragedy, or was it really… [dramatic pause] … WHITE SUPREMACY?” The answer of course, is almost always white supremacy, but we still have to ask.

Here are nine disasters from history that were actually motivated by white supremacy:

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1. The Ice Age – Evil white ice decided to dominate the globe, spreading its racist glaciers everywhere. Truly despicable.

2. The sinking of the Titanic – Just when we thought the white ice was defeated, white supremacy sunk the Titanic, killing 1,500 people.

3. That time the Starbucks barista got your order wrong – When you asked for skim milk and they gave you 2%, that was a clear example of white supremacy at work.

4. D-Day – Evil white men from America, Canada, Britain, and various other predominantly white countries attacked Germany, oppressively implying that their moral values weren’t as good as the white man’s.

5. The Eruption of Mount Vesuvius – A lot of people died, so probably white supremacy.

6. The Fukushima nuclear disaster – An anti-Asian hate crime motivated by white supremacy if ever we’ve seen one.

7. That game of Catan where your friend played as white and totally jacked Longest Road from you and hatefully colonized Catan, oppressing the natives and getting ten victory points before you. – Your orange colony of color was just minding its own business when your buddy ruthlessly oppressed you.

8. Thanos’s snap – Well, this one’s more purple supremacy, but still.

9. Anything bad that has ever happened – Finally, just to make sure we have all our bases covered, anything bad that has ever happened that we missed.

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

EL PASO, TX—Many are starting to call the migrant surge at the southern border a “crisis” as more people continue to arrive and detention centers overflow. It is currently unclear who caused this crisis, but some critics are suggesting it may have something to do with all the “Free Stuff, Come On In” signs Biden has been hanging on the side of the border wall.

“For months now, Joe Biden has been sneaking down here at night, hanging up ‘Free Stuff’ posters along the border wall,” said Amos Gutierrez, an ICE agent on the border. “I’m not saying the border surge is Biden’s fault or anything, but the signs may have something to do with it.”

Studies show that most migrants are just coming here to work hard and provide for their families, but some have shown an increase in people who are just coming here for free stuff– likely due to the signs.

“We don’t want hard-working, self-reliant people coming into the country,” said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. “We need people who are looking for free stuff so they’ll vote for us forever. Did I say that out loud? Good morning! Sunday morning!”

Biden has promised to temporarily take down the “Free Stuff” signs until the media can finish their important work of making the crisis disappear.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.