WASHINGTON, D.C.—At her weekly press briefing today, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi commented on the removal of statues by protesters, saying, “We have to knock the statues down to find out if they’re racist.” Many have expressed concerns that the statue-toppling is going too far, but Pelosi urged everyone to remain calm and that […]
U.S.—After weeks of hearing calls for police reform, local and state police departments across the country are finally making strides toward fairness and justice in policing. One major reform sweeping the nation involves changing the way dispatchers allocate police resources. Thanks to new technology, 911 operators can now require callers to press “1” to check […]
EASTERN OKLAHOMA—The Supreme Court decided this week that half of Oklahoma is Native American land. Failed presidential candidate Elizabeth Warren was seen soon after in the newly formed Eastern Oklahoma Autonomous Zone with an authentic tomahawk and bow purchased in a gift shop, declaring herself to be the warlord of the area. “We must overthrow […]
U.S.—Governors across the country have reinstated lockdowns mere weeks after slowly starting to lift them, citing a “concerning spike” in jobs and the economy. Worried that the increase in jobs, prosperity, and happiness would hurt them in November, they reacted to the economic upturn quickly, shutting down businesses and locking people back in their homes. […]
WORLD—A group of atheists, along with some agnostics, announced on Tuesday a new sociopolitical movement consistent with their worldview called No Lives Matter. According to sources, organizers for NLM have planned numerous rallies to protest other rallies claiming that lives matter. The organization’s mission statement defines the group as “people motivated by the belief that […]
PORTLAND, OR—Local woman Peyton Hill says she definitely would not have supported the Holocaust if she lived in Nazi Germany during the 1930s and 1940s, thinking herself enlightened by the glorious morality of the current year and not susceptible to being deceived as brutish, barbaric humans were in ages past. She said this even though […]
WASHINGTON, D.C.—There has been much talk about renaming the Washington Redskins, since their offensive name has no place in our modern, enlightened society that has done away with all other immorality and sin. The District of Columbia informed the team that they cannot return to playing within the district until they have a name that is […]
U.S.—Oh no! Democrat leaders sure are in a pickle. They are really trying to be tyrants and enact a police state with their COVID-19 orders and lockdowns, but oops: they just defunded the police and now don’t have any police officers to enforce their orders! Oops-a-daisy! “We may have defunded the police slightly too early,” […]
PURCHASE, NY—Popular multinational financial services company, Mastercard Incorporated, which is known for its extensive line of credit, debit, and prepaid cards to process payments between card-issuing banks and merchants, has released a statement that they will now be known as Equalitycard. This shift in branding follows other companies who have made major branding changes due […]
TULSA, OK—Liberals are trying to ruin America by destroying all our favorite corporate mascots, logos, and team names. But President Trump says he won’t have it. He defied the woke progressive crowd this week by chugging an entire bottle of Aunt Jemima syrup at his Tulsa rally. The crowd cheered as Trump put the bottle […]
U.S.—Looking to protect their statues and other municipal monuments, cities and towns across the country have begun disguising their statues as Karl Marx. City councils all over are ordering Karl Marx wigs and putting them on Teddy Roosevelt, George Washington, Christopher Columbus, and other statues. The move has proven extremely effective at deterring Antifa and […]
U.S.—With more and more statues across the country being pulled down, pigeons are being forced to redirect their payloads to different targets. As soon as statues are pulled down, the pigeons turn toward the nearest available target: angry rioters. “Yes! Down with racism–AHHHHH!!!!” screamed one rioter just after pulling down a statue of Christopher Columbus. […]
U.S.—A team of political experts released its latest prediction on the Black Lives Matter movement today, saying the group’s current surge will likely only last until early November. The experts say after votes are cast in the 2020 election, politicians will no longer have a need for the black community, and everything will go back […]
BELL CANYON, CA—According to sources, Hollywood celebrities have courageously united under an inspiring new movement to show respect for black lives. Entitled the #BurnYourHouseDown movement, celebrities such as Alyssa Milano, Jimmy Kimmel, and John Legend have volunteered to relinquish their power and privilege by burning their houses and everything they have to the ground. The […]
NEW ORLEANS, LA—In an unprecedented display of public contrition, New Orleans Saints quarterback Drew Brees set a new record over the weekend for apologies by an NFL quarterback, saying he was sorry 742 times in the space of 48 hours. After controversially stating his personal preference for standing during the National Anthem, the Super Bowl […]