WILMINGTON, DE—Presidential candidate Joe Biden has been leading President Trump in most polls, but now the race has started to tighten in a few key states, such as Florida. This has caused the Biden campaign to take extra precautions, moving Biden from the basement into a farther down sub-basement. “Our defensive strategy has worked so […]
SACRAMENTO, CA—Gavin Newsom, governor of the state with the highest people-to-electricity ratio in the nation, banned gasoline cars yesterday via executive order. The order takes effect in 2035, meaning by that time, everyone in the state with no electricity will only be able to plug in their cars to the power grid that does not […]
WASHINGTON, D.C.—At a somber ceremony this morning, leading government officials announced that the US Constitution, the oldest surviving national constitution and the founding document of the world’s leading democracy, will be entirely replaced by the last wishes of Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg. “She was a super lady and everybody loved her,” said Senate […]
OSLO—The Norwegian Nobel Committee has announced the recipients of this year’s Nobel Peace Prize: Black Lives Matter peaceful protesters who burned down communities and violently beat all who stood in their way. BLM protester and Antifa member Bryce Hapley accepted the award on behalf of all the incredibly peaceful protesters across the United States. “Nobody […]
U.S.—Specifically targeting the lucrative Christian market for the first time in celebration of the 500th anniversary of the Protestant Reformation, Amazon just released a new version of its Amazon Echo device that is shaped like Reformer Martin Luther. Dubbed the “Amazon Luther,” the new device is programmed to answer all your theology questions in the […]
WASHINGTON, D.C.—It was a festive occasion, as gender reveals often are, and a crowd brimming with excitement gathered outside the White House to find out from President Trump what gender the nominee for Supreme Court Justice would be. “Oh I sure hope it’s a boy!” yelled one man. “No way! It has to be a […]
MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—Google has released a video in which one of the company’s representatives apologizes for anti-conservative bias, as revealed in a recent video obtained by Breitbart. The representative issued a heartfelt apology toward conservative Google users while wearing a “Kill All Republicans” T-shirt throughout the video. “We are so sorry that you fascist, conservative […]
U.S.—In an address to the nation written using letters cut out from a magazine and glued to paper, the Democrats are offering their most persuasive case yet for Biden’s election. According to the letter, Democrats have planted booby traps rigged with dynamite all throughout the country, and they are set to explode if Biden is […]
KENOSHA, WI—The aftermath of the riots are grim: dozens of fires were started, hundreds of buildings were burned down, and thousands of Trump voters were created over the past several days alone. From out-of-control riots in Seattle and Wisconson to violence on the streets in Portland (or, as they call it, Wednesday), tons of property […]
PHILADELPHIA, PA—At a campaign stop in Pennsylvania, Joe Biden finally took a question from the press, calling on a new reporter, Hamala Karris of CNN. The Biden campaign has been careful to make sure their candidates don’t take any questions from the press, but Biden finally agreed to answer a question from recent CNN hire […]
WILMINGTON, DE—After several bungled teleprompter incidents over the past few hours, the Biden campaign is reportedly attempting to ensure the presidential candidate can always read the script provided to him and will never be without it by installing a state-of-the-art teleprompter screen on his aviator glasses. “Now, we’ll be able to feed Joe his script […]
U.S.—Democrats have agreed to allow Biden to debate Trump, but they are proposing an exciting, new mail-in format where both candidates will mail their responses back and forth to each other. “Mail-in debating is safe and secure, and it will give our candidate ample time to formulate a response, with some assistance, over several days,” said […]
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Democrats, outraged by the beauty and poise of Melania Trump, are demanding an immediate travel ban to prevent further supermodel First Ladies from entering the country in the future. The recommended travel ban would include Melania Trump’s home country of Slovenia, as well as several other Eastern European countries known for beautiful women interested […]
In case you hadn’t heard, Twitter recently suspended our account. In an email to us, they claimed we violated their rules against “platform manipulation and spam.” The email included a warning that that if we tried to open another account, that new account would be suspended, too. We published screenshots of the email and our suspended Twitter page, and […]
CNN has been there from the beginning, always running toward the important stories and absolutely never covering them up. We went through CNN’s archives and dug up these 14 headlines they published while covering some of the most significant events of human history. They are truly a bastion of truth and honesty in journalism. 2348 […]