WASHINGTON, D.C.—Congress has asked all non-essential businesses to limit their hours or close entirely for an undetermined amount of time. But this shutdown mistakenly shut down the most non-essential entity of all: the government. For a brief period of time, all government in the United States was illegal, since it is completely non-essential to everything. […]
WASHINGTON, D.C.—You might think middle- and lower-class Americans are hardest hit by social distancing and lockdown orders, but you’d be wrong. Those suffering the most are American politicians, who have been having quite a bit of trouble staying six feet away from citizens’ wallets. Bernie Sanders was hardest hit by CDC guidelines, as he struggled […]
U.S.—Unemployment has skyrocketed, with 10 million filing for unemployment in the past two weeks. Stocks have plummeted. Growth is expected to be negative with a recession looming. While there could be many reasons for this, economists all agree on one factor that most likely contributed: the pandemic that has forced everyone to stay home and […]
U.S.—Americans have reported they’re very optimistic about the stimulus package passed by Congress last week. In particular, people all around the country are excited to get paid with a little bit of the money that they paid the federal government already. Americans from all walks of life said they couldn’t wait to receive a check […]
HEAVEN—The CDC now recommends that everyone stay home and avoid going out as much as possible. Despite this, reports are that God is breaking quarantine and going absolutely everywhere. Hospitals, nursing homes, prisons — wherever He is needed, God is going. He is reportedly visiting everyone and checking on everyone in this time of need […]
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Amid political bickering over a potential economic relief package, Democrats warned Americans that the stimulus bill would stimulate the economy. “This stimulus bill might stimulate the economy — which would hurt our chances to stop the bad orange man,” said Senator Chuck Schumer. “We can’t overstate how much damage this would do to our […]
MEXICO—Drug cartels across Mexico and all around Central and South America have announced they are ceasing production of heroin, meth, and cocaine, saying they are now producing a far more lucrative drug with the street name of “hand sanitizer.” Drug cartels are quickly converting their assembly lines to pump out more and more of the […]
SLOUGH, BERKSHIRE—Lysol has unveiled a new shoulder-mounted turret that automatically blasts anyone who coughs, sneezes, or emits mouth droplets of any kind within six feet of you. The Big Lysol Turret 9000 is especially useful during epidemics and flu season, though many who are fearful of germs and disease say they plan to use the product year-round, just […]
U.S.—As Democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden is constantly in crowds, health officials are greatly concerned that he will catch the coronavirus — which would be especially bad for him as he’s very, very old. Despite these concerns, Biden just can’t follow one of the CDC’s main recommendations to avoid catching the disease: Stop putting your […]
HOUSTON, TX—Fresh off his afternoon nap, presidential candidate Joe Biden gave a fiery, high-energy speech in Houston today, claiming to be the only candidate who could beat incumbent Ronald Reagan. “I am the only candidate who can unite the party to defeat Reagan,” he said to scattered applause. “When Super Thursday hits here in a […]
U.S.—After Bernie Sanders praised elements of Cuba’s totalitarian regime, the presidential candidate’s loyal supporters scrambled to cobble together makeshift rafts so they could paddle over to Cuba to experience the Communist island’s renowned literacy programs, medical care, and other social services. Desperate refugees clung to anything that would float as they attempted to sail across […]
LAS VEGAS, NV—Bernie Sanders took criticism for owning three houses at last night’s Democratic debate. He defended himself eloquently, using the argument that “basically everyone who’s not a dumb, poor person has three houses” and that “having three houses is fun and convenient.” But Sanders realized the blows were landing too effectively. So, to deflect […]
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Nancy Pelosi has been criticized for tearing up President Trump’s speech after the State of the Union since immature behavior is almost completely unheard of among politicians. But Pelosi has stuck by her actions, saying that tearing things up comes naturally to Democrats, whether those things are speeches about America and patriotism or unborn […]
WASHINGTON D.C.—After completely mopping the floor with the snowflake libs on the Senate floor, the Trump administration fears that he is at high risk of drowning in a literal tidal wave of liberal tears during Tuesday’s State of the Union address. “The risk for liberal tear downpour is always high any time Trump speaks,” said […]
U.S.—The Babylon Bee has been the world’s best satire site for thousands of years, spawning dozens of secular knock-offs that just aren’t quite as good. The site announced a new acquisition this week, one that immediately made the site the largest satirical site on the planet: a purchase of competing satire site CNN for $12 […]