If you have less than infinity rounds of ammunition in your house, it’s time to buy more ammo! Say what? You need a better reason than that? Ok fine—here are eight. 1) You’ll need enough ammo to defend yourself from the zombie hoard caused by the next Wuhan lab leak: We heard COVID-20’s a doozy. 2) […]
PARIS—Minnie Mouse will be sporting a new look this March for Women’s History Month when she finalizes her divorce from Mickey and becomes an independent businesswoman in a pantsuit. The new outfit comes with a stylish baton for beating Uyghur prisoners who miss their manufacturing quota. The announcement is part of Disneyland Paris’ 30th-anniversary celebration, which will also feature […]
WASHINGTON, D.C.—As Biden prepares to nominate a woman of color to the Supreme Court, he took the time to remind the country that black Justices can be just as smart as rich ones. “Listen, folks, black Justices can be just as smart, articulate, and clean as the rich ones,” said Biden to reporters. “Just because […]
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Faced with plummeting poll numbers and the realization that a rambling, semi-coherent, two-hour press conference failed to turn things around, President Biden is apparently considering a new strategy to save his floundering presidency: start World War III. Deploying troops, warships, and aircraft to confront Russia over Ukraine is the first step in the new […]
KIEV, UKRAINE—As Russian troops increased their threat to Ukraine’s sovereignty and independence, the Ukrainian military showed their tactical prowess by asking Kyle Rittenhouse to come and guard their border with Russia. “Yo, Kyle, hope all is well. Hey listen, our citizens are under threat from Putin and his d-bag army,” texted Ukrainian Minister of Defense, […]
WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a surprise move, President Biden gave Russia the green light to launch an invasion into Ukraine, with the small caveat that they don’t blow up the oil company paying for Hunter’s art lessons. “I looked Vladimir straight in the eye,” said President Biden in a haunting whisper. “I told him, I said – ‘Vlady boy, […]
FREE CITY OF DANZIG, 1939—Hitler’s recent maneuvers into Poland have many voicing their concerns that this is a serious invasion that could kick off a larger war, like a second war even worse than the Great War. But experts are cautioning against worrying too much about Adolf Hitler’s Poland activities, claiming that the German leader […]
U.S.—As part of a bold new marketing strategy to promote inclusivity and appeal to less than 1% of the population, Mars, Incorporated has introduced a new M&M character who identifies as a Skittle. “I’m gonna be honest here. We basically are doing this because it’s hip and makes us look cool,” said Mars, Incorporated CEO Franklin […]
Everywhere you look, there are petty tyrants trying to steal your freedom by making you wear a mask! We say ENOUGH! If you’re as sick of it as we are, here are 10 handy methods to help you avoid wearing a mask when someone tells you to! 1) Smack them with your pocket Constitution – A Bill of […]
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Democrats have issued a dire warning to the American people that Republicans will steal the election in 2022 by blocking all Democrat efforts to steal the election. “Republicans want to destroy our democracy by stealing the election, just like Hitler,” said Nancy Pelosi in a speech supporting the Voting Rights Act. “If Republicans are […]
SAN FRANCISCO, CA—In response to record levels of unprosecuted shoplifting, Walgreens stores in San Francisco have introduced a new “Frequent Looter Rewards Card.” “If you can’t beat ’em, I guess all you can do is join ’em,” said Sandra Lopez, regional manager in charge of 8 locations in the Bay Area. “We don’t even have regular […]
WASHINGTON, D.C.—The White House is releasing new details surrounding President Biden’s plan to send free facemasks to every American. In an effort to save time, the free masks will be shipped directly to landfills nationwide. “The science tells us that wearing a high-quality mask over your nose and mouth probably might possibly help prevent COVID […]
U.S.—In a historic first, the inflation rate of the U.S. Dollar has surpassed the approval rating of the President. “Wow! My inflation is way higher than Trump’s inflation! Record high! Take that, Trump!” said Biden to a bowl of oranges he had mistaken for Trump. “It’s so high it even passed my really high approval […]
ATLANTA, GA—In a stirring speech in Atlanta this week, Biden recounted the time he was heroically arrested at a civil rights protest simply for wearing a white hood. “There I was, outside a school protesting against school integration with my best pal KKK member Robert Byrd, and the cops were escorting black kids into the school,” said […]
Fake news is a common problem these days. We can’t begin to tell you how many times “experts” tricked us into believing Nancy Pelosi had real eyebrows over the past year. This year looks to be as confusing as ever, so we must stay on guard for blatant lies perpetuated by the mainstream media. To help you […]