Do You Know More About Basic Human Biology Than Biden’s SCOTUS Nominee?
Biden’s Supreme Court nominee Ketanji Brown Jackson is very, very smart. We know this because she went to Harvard. But as she admitted, she’s no biologist.
Do you know more about basic biology than Ketanji Brown Jackson? Take the test to find out how smart you are!
U.S.—Twitter dealt a devastating blow to The Babylon Bee yesterday after banning them from telling transgender jokes, which is one of the only two jokes they know.
“Guys, what are we going to do?!” cried Editor-in-Chief Kyle Mann while pacing back and forth. “Those ‘man-identifies-as’ jokes represent almost all our material! We’re finished! FINISHED, I tell you!”
The assembled writing team collectively racked their brains to try and come up with a new joke, but could only come up with jokes about youth pastors and potluck dinners, which is already their first joke.
“Come on guys, THINK!” said the Bee’s Managing Editor Griswold Dingleberry. “There’s gotta be something we can joke about! Has anyone ever made fun of airline food? What if we tell a joke about a rabbi and a priest walking into a bar? Has that been done?”
“I know, I know!” said another writer. “What if we had a man identify as an… attack helicopter? Darnit, that’s the same joke again!”
Experts warn that unless they come up with a new joke, The Babylon Bee could potentially lose its status as the all-time king of marginally acceptable satire.
Leadership at the company warned their workers that if they don’t come up with a new joke soon, they may have to bring back founder Adam Ford to turn things around.
Babylon Bee subscriber Jamin D contributed to this report. If you want to get involved with the staff writers at The Babylon Bee, check out our membership options here!
This woman is an angry feminist — but she’s quickly changing her tune as World War 3 starts and she faces the possibility of getting drafted.
http://drrich.wpengine.com/wp-content/uploads/logo_264x69.png00The Babylon Beehttp://drrich.wpengine.com/wp-content/uploads/logo_264x69.pngThe Babylon Bee2022-03-23 05:55:462022-03-23 05:58:56Babylon Bee Writers Struggling To Come Up With New Material After Twitter Bans 1 Of Their 2 Jokes
ATLANTA, GA—Celebrations for winning the 500-yard freestyle at the NCAA Women’s Swimming and Diving Championships were short-lived for convincingly female athlete Lia Thomas, as authorities caught her in possession of performance-enhancing testicles.
“Investigators will need time to sift through the trail of evidence right now,” said NCAA’s Head of Testicle Enforcement, Bob Huevos, while holding up a jock strap, the device suspected to have been used to conceal the contraband from rigorous testing protocols. “We suspect the swimmer used this contraption to keep the performance-enhancing testicles secured between her legs.”
Blood tests of the disgraced, obviously-female swimmer have led Huevos to believe Thomas had a long history of using testicles to dose with powerful testosterone, perhaps beginning in early childhood.
“Long term testicle use like this may explain the female swimmer’s towering height, powerful muscles, dense bone structure, deep voice, and bulging crotch,” explained Huevos, “These permanent mutations from testosterone abuse would have given her a lifetime advantage over other female athletes even if she were to quit and go on estrogen. For that reason, Lia Thomas should be disqualified from competition.”
This may not be the end of Lia Thomas’ story, however. In the name of equity, diversity, and inclusion, the disgraced swimmer has been given a second chance with an invitation to compete as a collegiate swimmer in the NCAA Swimming And Diving Championships For Women With Testicles.
This woman is an angry feminist — but she’s quickly changing her tune as World War 3 starts and she faces the possibility of getting drafted.
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Russia’s invasion of Ukraine has continued to escalate and Washington has wasted no time in pledging support. According to sources, Congress has voted unanimously to send Ukraine a $600 stimulus check.
“We did it!” cheered Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. “Now the bill goes to—” she glanced down at her notes before continuing, “the President to sign! Then just six short months for the treasury to process the check and the war will be over! WE DID IT!”
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi patted AOC on the back while downing a bottle of wine.
In her daily press briefing, Jen Psaki communicated the president’s intention to sign the bill as soon as possible. “We’re going to fly everyone out to Detroit because it looks exactly like Ukraine. We will then stage a signing there with a desk set in the middle of the street. It’ll be a great photo opportunity for the President.”
“I mean, for Ukraine,” she added quickly.
Members of congress rewarded themselves for their hard work by voting for a 21% raise in yet another unanimous decision. A record three in a row!
A Babylon Bee subscriber contributed to this report. If you want to get involved with the staff writers at The Babylon Bee, check out our membership options here!
WASHINGTON, D.C—The Senate has passed legislation that would make daylight savings time permanent. This decision has garnered bipartisan support but has run into a slight hiccup as congresswoman AOC has objected, stating we must continue to set our clocks twice a year.
“I for one am in favor of saving sunshine, not letting it go to waste, by selfishly consuming it all the time.” said congresswoman AOC. “Setting our clocks twice a year is a small price to pay to ensure we never run out of our sunshine supply.”
“These Senators are too lazy to be mildly inconvenienced to change their clocks and use up less sunlight in certain months.” continued AOC. “In fact, I propose we should be setting our clocks even MORE to conserve sunlight.”
AOC’s fellow Congress members tried to explain to her that our Sun has 7 billion years of sunshine left and it’s literally called the Sunshine Protection Act, but she remained unconvinced. “It’s just like leaving my tesla lights on. Whenever I leave them on all night, my battery runs out quicker. And that’s exactly what Congress wants to happen with the sun! It’s lunacy!”
At publishing time, AOC proposed a revised version of the Green New Deal where Americans conserve sunlight by becoming nocturnal and only using up a maximum of 1 hour of sunlight a day.
This woman is an angry feminist — but she’s quickly changing her tune as World War 3 starts and she faces the possibility of getting drafted.
EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. All rights reserved.
http://drrich.wpengine.com/wp-content/uploads/logo_264x69.png00The Babylon Beehttp://drrich.wpengine.com/wp-content/uploads/logo_264x69.pngThe Babylon Bee2022-03-18 06:13:432022-03-18 06:15:55AOC To Vote Against Making Daylight Savings Permanent, Saying Americans Consume Too Much Sunlight Already
The Babylon Bee has selected Rachel Levine as its first annual Man of the Year.
Levine is the U.S. assistant secretary for health for the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, where he serves proudly as the first man in that position to dress like a western cultural stereotype of a woman. He is also an admiral in the U.S. Public Health Service Commissioned Corps. What a boss!
Rachel’s original name is Richard Levine, but he changed it to Rachel for some strange reason a few years ago. Who cares? Who says a dude as accomplished as this can’t be named “Rachel?” This king doesn’t care what people think about him! He often wears a dress, which some people think is weird—but he doesn’t care one bit. Come on! Men in India wear dress-type garments, don’t they?
Rachel’s message is to “be true to yourself,” and we couldn’t agree more. This man is breaking barriers and showing us all the true meaning of courage.
We applaud this precious and perfectly made child of God for all his accomplishments and hope he stays true to who God made him to be.
UPDATE: Since announcing this award, we’ve been told that Levine actually identifies as a woman. We have still chosen to give the award as his self-identification has no bearing on the truth. Congratulations, Rachel Levine!
This woman is an angry feminist — but she’s quickly changing her tune as World War 3 starts and she faces the possibility of getting drafted.
http://drrich.wpengine.com/wp-content/uploads/logo_264x69.png00The Babylon Beehttp://drrich.wpengine.com/wp-content/uploads/logo_264x69.pngThe Babylon Bee2022-03-17 09:26:092022-03-17 09:30:03The Babylon Bee’s Man Of The Year Is Rachel Levine
Oops! Looks like you’ve been condemned. You really shouldn’t have read those Harry Potter books. We warned you those were bad news.
Hell is full of terribly unspeakable punishments, but here are the most brutal:
1) You get a cell phone but can only receive calls about your car warranty that’s about to expire: Just the worst. And you don’t have a car. You’re in hell!
2) Every month is Pride Month: Every day, just an endless pride parade, forever, and ever, and ever, and ever… (shudder)
3) You can only watch Season 8 of The Office: This truly is the wrath of God poured out on sinners. If you’re not right with Jesus, trust in Him now.
4) Gilbert Gottfried follows you around reading passages from the book White Fragility: Well, at least it’s not his stand-up.
5) There are Chick-Fil-A restaurants, but you get stuck in the drive-through line and the employee is making awkward small talk with you and you never get your food: UGGGHHHHH SO AWKWARRRDDD.
6) All podcasts play at half speed: At least you can understand what Ben Shapiro is saying now.
7) You have to walk around in socks and every once in a while you step on an icky wet thing and you don’t get a change of socks: Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew,! Eternity ruined.
8) WW3 is about to start, inflation is at an all-time high, and Joe Biden is president: Good thing that’ll never happen here.
9) Babylon Bee list articles are all 20 items long: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!
This woman is an angry feminist — but she’s quickly changing her tune as World War 3 starts and she faces the possibility of getting drafted.
KYIV—Legends tell of a heroic fighter ace patrolling the skies above Ukraine, single-handedly beating back Russian air power. Latest reports indicate he has shot down between 13 and 793 enemy aircraft since the Russian army invaded over a week ago.
Now, The Babylon Bee has obtained an exclusive, never-before-seen photo of the famous Ukrainian war hero known as the Ghost of Kyiv.
Eyewitnesses say they saw a “yuge” streak of orange light flashing across the night sky as Russian aircraft plummeted to the earth. The F-35 Lightning fighter jet— which was painted with the Chinese flag for some strange reason—buzzed over the crowd as the pilot waved to the photographer, who took this epic photograph. Amazing!
We think we speak for everyone in saying we can all sleep a little more soundly at night knowing this brave protector is looking down from above. What a brave hero!
UPDATE: Sadly, The Ghost of Kiev is also shooting down Ukrainian pilots after hearing they said bad things about him on Twitter.
In this new commercial from the U.S. Army, everyone’s favorite branch of the military promotes their new, more diverse, more inclusive standards. From gender reveal grenades to more affirming drill sergeants, the Army is leading the way in inclusion!
NOT POLITICAL SATIRE: Watch this actual U.S. Army recruiting ad titled ‘Emma’. It is part of a series of new U.S. Army recruitment videos titled “The Calling”. Can you see how far political policy has fallen into a form of severely gender confused social dementia?
http://drrich.wpengine.com/wp-content/uploads/logo_264x69.png00The Babylon Beehttp://drrich.wpengine.com/wp-content/uploads/logo_264x69.pngThe Babylon Bee2022-03-10 07:13:062022-03-10 07:23:57The Babylon Bee Has Obtained This Exclusive Photo Of The Ghost Of Kyiv
tion report really wishing we had our own oil we could dig up with big machines and then transport around with some sort of pipeline.
“If only we had oil, and knew how to get it,” said one local mom as she shelled out $300 for gas to take her kids to soccer practice. “Then maybe we wouldn’t have to buy it from evil regimes around the world and gas prices would be lower. I know that’s ridiculous, but it sure would be nice if that were possible!”
Secretary of Transportation Pete Buttigieg says he commiserates with people who are struggling right now. “I do have a solution though,” he said. “If you all just plop down $90K on an electric car and another 3 million on building a windmill in your backyard, you won’t have to deal with these gas costs. I am smart!”
The scientific community says they are hard at work on a solution to the oil shortage but haven’t found any options so far. “If only there was oil, and some way to get it out of the ground and transport it!” said all the scientists, scratching their heads.
Other scientists say they may have discovered an almost unlimited form of energy that is clean and safe that uses some sort of atomic fuel but that technology may be years away.
In this new commercial from the U.S. Army, everyone’s favorite branch of the military promotes their new, more diverse, more inclusive standards. From gender reveal grenades to more affirming drill sergeants, the Army is leading the way in inclusion!
http://drrich.wpengine.com/wp-content/uploads/logo_264x69.png00The Babylon Beehttp://drrich.wpengine.com/wp-content/uploads/logo_264x69.pngThe Babylon Bee2022-03-10 06:34:232022-03-10 06:49:09Nation Wishes We Had Our Own Oil We Could Dig Up With Big Machines And Then Transport Around With Some Kind Of Pipeline
Pfizer wanted to withhold vaccine data until 2096 but some annoying judge told them to release it now. The Babylon Bee has combed through hundreds of pages of documents to find data that backs up our already preconceived conclusions.
Here are ten scary side effects we discovered:
1) Covid: Hey, wait a second!
2) 23% increase in attractiveness to feminist SJWs on Tinder: “OOoo, you’re VAXXED?”
3) Able to decipher Biden’s coded speech: Get the vax to find out for yourself!
4) Your myocarditis can now get myocarditis: Not sure how that’s possible but we’ll trust the science on this one.
5) Your Windows PC will now install updates automatically without asking you: Hmmmmm…
6) A digital imprint on your hand and forehead that allows you to buy and sell: Convenient!
7) Public bathroom motion-activated paper towel dispensers will no longer respond to you: Ugh! How did people dry their hands in the past?!
8) You become allergic to water, but also develop gills for some reason: Not helpful.
9) You can sometimes communicate with chickens: But only sometimes.
10) Your hands will rub together uncontrollably like Nancy Pelosi: This explains so much.
http://drrich.wpengine.com/wp-content/uploads/logo_264x69.png00The Babylon Beehttp://drrich.wpengine.com/wp-content/uploads/logo_264x69.pngThe Babylon Bee2022-03-08 05:52:512022-03-08 05:56:5110 Not So Well-Known Side Effects Of The Vaccine
EL PASO, TX—In a last-ditch effort to get Democrats to start caring about border security, the Texas government has disguised their southern border as the border between Ukraine and Russia.
“Oh please, won’t someone please help us?” said Texas Governor Greg Abbot while hoisting blue and yellow flags all along the border fence. “Putin’s forces have encircled us from the south and are entering our country uninhibited!”
Having fallen for the clever ruse, WEF Chairman Klaus Schwab called his pal George Soros and ordered him to assemble the dark united forces of media, corporations, and the Illuminati and unite the world in solidarity over the urgency of protecting the southern border. Soon everyone was changing their social media profile pictures and holding candlelight vigils to raise awareness for border security.
“WE MUST PROTECT THE SOUTHERN BORDER! WE MUST PROTECT THE SOUTHERN BORDER!” said the media, Hollywood, every world power, every late-night talk show host, and David French—all in perfect robotic unison.
Texans are hoping global powers can help them gain a little border security before everyone figures out they’ve been tricked.
http://drrich.wpengine.com/wp-content/uploads/logo_264x69.png00The Babylon Beehttp://drrich.wpengine.com/wp-content/uploads/logo_264x69.pngThe Babylon Bee2022-03-04 14:57:382022-03-04 14:59:214D Chess: U.S.-Mexico Border Disguised As Ukrainian Border So Democrats Will Defend It
NEW YORK, NY—Whoopi Goldberg again made waves after publicly questioning why America should care about the war in Ukraine since it’s “just two groups of white people” duking it out.
“Genocide? How could this possibly end up being genocide? They’re all white!” said Ms. Goldberg as her co-hosts nodded in unison. “Has anyone seen a picture of the Ukrainian army? How about the President and his cabinet? Not even a suntan. Now I educated myself, and I realize now it was wrong to dismiss the Holocaust because it wasn’t just white people involved—there were also Jews. I also learned that not all Jews are white! But look, there are no Jews over in Ukraine, so this is exactly what I thought the Holocaust was: a bunch of white people killing each other. I say, let them at it!”
Joy Behar nodded ferociously, still furious that the invasion had delayed her Russian River cruise. Barbara Walters started to say that she thought the Ukrainian president was Jewish, but her face once again froze in place. A producer quickly moved the program to commercial before downing a bottle of Prozac and calling Colbert to once again book Ms. Goldberg.
At publishing time, Ms. Goldberg had issued yet another apology for calling Kennedy’s assassination a “silly disagreement among white people.”
A Babylon Bee subscriber contributed to this report. If you want to get involved with the staff writers at The Babylon Bee, check out our membership options here!
Do you have an addiction to CNN? If so, we’re here to help diagnose your problem and address it head-on.
http://drrich.wpengine.com/wp-content/uploads/logo_264x69.png00The Babylon Beehttp://drrich.wpengine.com/wp-content/uploads/logo_264x69.pngThe Babylon Bee2022-03-03 05:46:152022-03-03 05:48:26Whoopi Goldberg Says America Should Ignore War In Ukraine As It’s Just Two Groups Of White People Fighting
Are you having trouble getting your fallout shelter in order in time for the brisk nuclear winter that is certainly coming? Have no fear–we at The Babylon Bee are experts in doomsday prepping!
Use this list to ensure you have everything you need:
1) A ten-year supply of Goya Beans and a lead-lined MyPillow: Both are on sale. Don’t delay, act now!
2) A shotgun with a chainsaw attachment: Every bunker needs at least one.
3) A KJV Bible: You can’t get to heaven without an authorized 1611 KJV!
4) Pocket English-Russian Dictionary: Есть только два пола.
5) Tuttle Twins Books: Might have a better shot of building back better with these books for reference.
6) A scalpel in case your gender changes: You don’t want to be caught without a life-saving gender transition kit.
7) Laminated vaccine card and spare masks: Don’t forget, we’re in a pandemic!
8) All 4 seasons of Battlestar Galactica: If humanity ends, at least you’ll be able to enjoy mankind’s crowning artistic achievement.
9) Solar panels to combat global warming as we rebuild civilization: Don’t you care about the climate?!
10) All of Obama’s memoirs: They are very effective at knocking out intruders.
http://drrich.wpengine.com/wp-content/uploads/logo_264x69.png00The Babylon Beehttp://drrich.wpengine.com/wp-content/uploads/logo_264x69.pngThe Babylon Bee2022-03-01 15:36:322022-03-01 15:38:5910 Essential Items To Put In Your Fallout Shelter Today
WASHINGTON, D.C.—After Putin led Russia in an unprovoked attack on Ukraine, Biden addressed the world and outlined the steps he’d take to stop Russia from rampaging through Eastern Europe.
“Listen, folks, I was hoping I wouldn’t have to do this, today I directed my social media manager to unfollow Putin on Twitter,” said Biden. “That Putin guy is a major internet influencer and we need to hit him where it hurts. We have no other choice. God have mercy on us.”
Biden then directed his staff to “unfollow” President Putin on Twitter, warning that if Putin doesn’t stop what he’s doing, he will also “unfriend” him on Facebook.
“You want to have no friends, Vlad? ‘Cause that’s where you’re headed, buddy! That’s no fun! Trust me, I know! You’d better watch your step, bud!” Biden said angrily before tripping on the carpet of his house and faceplanting into his bronze bust of Neville Chamberlain.
Biden has promised to engage in further talks with world leaders once aides finish changing his Depends.
http://drrich.wpengine.com/wp-content/uploads/logo_264x69.png00The Babylon Beehttp://drrich.wpengine.com/wp-content/uploads/logo_264x69.pngThe Babylon Bee2022-02-27 09:32:022022-02-27 09:34:06Biden Announces He Will Move To Unfollow Putin On Twitter
Watch out! Every company you love has become WOKE! If you want to avoid supporting progressive businesses then you’ll need to be prepared. Consider these fantastic alternatives to some of the more notable liberal corporations.
Instead of Twitter
…use TRUTH Social for 3 weeks before Trump cans it. Then go back to Twitter.
Instead of brewing your coffee with Starbucks beans:
…use Goya beans!
Instead of Levis
…buy pants made for grown-ups.
Instead of Gilette razors
…grow a beard like a man.
Instead of Microsoft
…mine your own silicon, build a computer from scratch and program an OS in painstaking binary.
Instead of subscribing to Disney+
…just let your children scream and scream and scream.
Instead of buying books from Amazon
…buy a Gutenberg press and print leaflets. Bind them together with leather from the cattle you slaughter. Easy as 1, 2, 3!
Instead of buying Nike shoes
…go to China and get your own slave to make some shoes. Everyone’s doing it!
Instead of watching Netflix
…use your parents’ account to watch Netflix.
Instead of Facebook
…go to your high school reunion and listen as people you don’t remember pitch pyramid schemes. It’s an almost identical experience!
