WASHINGTON, D.C.—Joe Biden made a novel suggestion for cops and people who want to defend themselves against violent criminals: making them slip on a banana peel. “Look, Jack, if a criminal is running toward you, you don’t have to shoot them,” Biden said at last night’s town hall on ABC. “All you have to do […]
U.S.—Trump is polling high among an unexpected group: libertarians, who were energized and drawn to Trump’s cause after the New York Times revealed that he paid as little as $750 in federal taxes some years. “Only paying a few hundred in federal theft? This guy is my hero!” said libertarian man Murray Mickelson of New […]
The power of the Constitution compels you! Our creative director Ethan Nicolle stayed up all night to bring you this incredibly accurate reenactment of Amy Coney Barrett’s Senate hearings this week. Make sure no small children are in the room when you watch this, or they will be scarred for life: If you want […]
There’s a disgusting, absolutely 100% false story about Joe Biden’s son going around. It’s so bad that it has been condemned by the wise, moral, upstanding people who run Twitter and Facebook. Even mentioning the story can get you banned from these platforms. That’s how bad and false the story is. It claims that Biden’s […]
WASHINGTON, D.C.—It was quite a spectacle at the Senate hearing for Amy Coney Barrett’s nomination to the Supreme Court this morning, as Judge Barrett calmly answered the committee’s questions while cooking dinner for her family of nine with her right hand and typing up an appellate court decision with her left hand. “That’s a great […]
U.S.—Facing growing frustration from parents over prolonged school closures, the American Federation of Teachers has released a statement promising school will resume just as soon as all the public school teachers are done campaigning for Biden. “We realized that these prolonged school closures were a perfect opportunity to mobilize our 1.7 million-member union to get […]
LAS VEGAS, NV—Joe Biden was asked yet again today if he plans to abolish the Constitution, overthrow Congress, dismiss the Supreme Court, and set up a Communist regime to take their place. Once again, Biden refused to answer the question, saying voters will find out whether he plans to seize the means of production and […]
VATICAN CITY—The Pope has declared that the Catholic Church will no longer accept any donations its members give out of their wealth earned by capitalism. The declaration takes effect immediately. Catholic parishes are asked to monitor donations given during the offertory. Parishioners are to fill out a form stating where they got the money. If […]
WASHINGTON, D.C.—In what’s being hailed as a 14-dimensional Go move, President Trump added a Black Lives Matter decal to his SUV so he can take as many trips outside the hospital as he wants, and the media won’t be able to claim he’s spreading COVID. “Checkmate,” Trump said as he smiled and waved to reporters. […]
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Coronavirus has begun panicking after testing positive for Trump. The test came back late Thursday evening, and doctors confirmed the worst: the coronavirus has contracted Trump-45. “Oh no! We’re doomed!” cried tiny little coronaviruses, frantically looking for a way to escape Trump’s body. But Trump held his breath and plugged his nose and ears, […]
U.S.—Joe Biden claimed in a speech today that Communist China is “just an idea” and “not a real organization.” He pointed out to his seven followers gathered and socially distanced that there’s no real evidence the communist nation exists, and that it’s clearly a scare tactic from the right. “The right wants you to think […]
CLEVELAND, OH—Some are questioning Chris Wallace’s neutrality in the debate tonight. Many say he constantly interrupted Trump and refused to challenge Biden. But others are pointing to more obvious clues, like the giant foam finger he wore that read “Biden 2020.” “I just don’t feel like this guy is being totally unbiased,” said one viewer. […]
U.S.—A new study has found that far more Americans would trust Dr Pepper than would trust Dr. Fauci. While Dr. Fauci has made some questionable claims over the past few months, Dr Pepper hasn’t made any erroneous predictions about the virus or recommendations when it comes to masks and other protective measures. So the soft drink […]
MINNEAPOLIS, MN—Lieutenant Chris Gastelum was laid off yesterday by the Minneapolis Police Department after the city council voted to defund the police. As he was walking home, he saw, by chance, some rioters throwing Molotov cocktails at the homes of several city council members. But, sadly, he was powerless to do anything, as he’d just […]
DETROIT, MI—General Motors is making waves after a surprise unveiling of a line of exciting new California-compliant vehicles. After a week of building anticipation, officials at the company revealed its latest innovation for the West Coast: the 2021 Horse And Buggy. The curiosity started last week when GM’s Twitter account dropped a cryptic photo of a […]