More Democrat Governors Moving To Florida To Escape Their Own COVID Policies

U.S.—A shocking study has found an increasing number of Democratic state governors are fleeing to Florida, desperate to escape the ravages of their own COVID lockdown policies.

The report found that Governors Whitmer, Newsom, and Cuomo have already secretly purchased homes in The Sunshine State.

“Let me be clear. Florida is a deep dark pit of deep right-wing darkness,” said Newsom as he watched his servants pack up his U-Haul. “But also, their restaurants are actually still in business, and I’m really hungry.”

The study also found that Governor Andrew Cuomo of New York has secretly been making trips to Florida since last year, mainly due to the fact that no one lives in New York anymore and he gets lonely sometimes. “Listen,” he said while eating a meatball sub he had made himself since there were no sub shops left in New York, “even a guy like me needs someone to talk to every once in a while. That’s why I’m movin’ to Florida.”

Governor Ron DeSantis has expressed concern over the influx of Democrat Governors clamoring to get into the state and has mandated that they all quarantine for at least a year before mixing with the general populace.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.


NOT SATIRE: The James Madison Institute is the leading voice of liberty that helped STOP the lockdowns in Florida and continues to empower the state to become one of the best places to live, start a business, and raise a family.

Now, our efforts are focused on promoting pro-liberty & innovative policy solutions that will create more jobs and greater prosperity for our state.

You can help The James Madison Institute continue to fight for liberty in Florida and across the country by donating $20.22, $50, $100, $250, $500, or any amount by clicking here.
Thank you,

Dr. Bob McClure
President & CEO
The James Madison Institute

Trump Reveals First 10 Items On His Agenda For When He’s Reinstated As President In August

Trump is going to be reinstated as president this August, reliable sources have informed us — the best sources, everyone says so. When this happens, he has a lot of work to do returning America to its former greatness. Luckily, high-energy Trump is up to the task. He has already released a list of the first ten things on his agenda for when he gets back in office later this summer:

1. Re-drain the swamp. – There’s been a lot of swamp build-up over the past few months — time to start re-draining!

2. Nuke a blue state as a warning to the rest of the blue states. – California will do nicely.

3. Un-gay the military. – Trump says he will make the military the straightest it’s ever been!

4. Sign an executive order bringing back Aunt Jemima, Mr. Potato Head, and Uncle Ben. – Wow! Promises made, promises kept!

5. Lock up Hillary but for real this time. – Lock her up, but actually do it!

6. Order ten new seasons of Firefly. – A move that will gain our true president real bipartisan support.

7. Build 500 new pipelines making gas plummet to a dime a gallon. – It’s a foolproof plan.

8. Jail everyone involved in The Last Jedi – Starting with the ringleader Rian Johnson.

9. Make America great again again. – There’s a lot of work to do to make America great again, again, but Trump is up to the job. Again.

10. Wipe away every tear. – He will also make the lion lie down with the lamb.

We. Can’t. Wait!

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

In Honor Of Pride Month, Here Are The Babylon Bee’s Top 2 Genders

Well, it’s pride month, which is a time of celebration for all orientations, biological sexes, and genders. Thirty full days of celebrating all the letters in the LGBTQ+ alphabet — what fun! We at The Babylon Bee don’t want to get left behind, of course, so let’s kick off Pride Month with a list of our top two genders!

We had all our writers vote on their favorite genders and narrowed it down to just the best two. Here they are:

1. Women – Women took the top slot this year. Congratulations, women! Women are great. One of the best genders of all time– everyone says so. They are really beautiful to look at, especially when they are married to you and they smile at you with those beautiful faces of theirs. According to experts, women make life worth living and fill the world with sweetness, warmth, and love! They have the amazing ability to think about 32 things at the same time and predict infinite possible outcomes to every scenario, kind of like Dr. Strange. Amazing!

Women are so amazing, in fact, that men spent thousands of years fighting wars and building civilization just so women could have air conditioning. Many of us Babylon Bee writers have even selected one wonderful person of this gender to spend the rest of our lives with, since they are so amazing.

Great job, women!

2. Men – Coming in a close second was men. Many of us were surprised that men didn’t take the top slot. They have the distinct advantage, after all, of being able to pick what restaurant they want to go to. They are handy around the house. They also drive better and are way better at telling Dad jokes. They also risk their lives climbing high telephone poles and working on dangerous oil rigs, all so women can have air conditioning. But those factors just weren’t enough to push them to the top. They tend to be way less good-looking than women, and way smellier. Better luck next time, men!

Congrats to the winners, and check back next year to see whether the same two genders top our list!

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Fauci Conspiracy??????????????

Wow, it seems the radical right is attacking the integrity and honesty of the esteemed “Dr” Fauci. The right is now claiming the good doctor has a slew of e-mails suggesting that there was a good possibility that the China virus was manufactured in a Wuhan lab. This just can’t be true, can it Deano?

They point out he was denying this allegation back in the beginning of 2020, when these e-mails were exchanged. You know, when President Trump and Secretary of State Mike Pompeo were suggesting it quite possibly was man made in a laboratory.

Please Deano, don’t tell me that President Trump was right again! I mean the right is screaming from the rafters about a major coverup. You know , accusing all those credible news , like yourselves and other media outlets, of promoting this idea, that this was just a right wing political ploy, pushing conspiracy theories during an election year. The right often refers to it as a Plandemic. They are accusing such trustworthy stalwarts as Jack Dorsey and Twitter, Mark Zuckerberg and Facebook, even the ever unbiased CNN as well as you pristine guys over at the Times, of censorship and working as a propaganda arm of the Democratic Party. The audacity of the radical right, I mean where is the proof………well, President Trump is a racist!

The also point to the many flip flops on mask use by Ole Doc Fauci, and just his general incompetence. There are purportedly e-mails where he admits that the masks are basically useless. That it may help against large droplets like a sneeze, but are useless against the general airborne particles. My own doctor last year, equated it to trying to catch mosquitoes with a chain link fence. He asked me to leave though, as I started screaming you have to follow the science like doc Fauci and Andy Cuomo reminds me daily! So, I have been following the science , just like, I’m sure you have been Deano. But, you have to admit, it was a little tough following his guidelines. You know no mask necessary, yes it is necessary, two masks should do the trick, oh, they are really not needed.

I tried to reach Joey for comment, but he put the lid on the things, as it was getting late in the day.

It was after all 4 in the afternoon. This, I’m told is when Joey likes to settle in and watch Judge Judy and Matlock with pudding cup or two.

I tried to reach Kamala. But she was out shoe shopping. The right is calling her grossly incompetent and in way over her head. You just wait radical right, just wait for that press conference regarding the border catastrophe, just wait, just wait………………just wait, President Trump is a racist.

That is why I’m looking for you Deano, to come out blazing against this Conservative assault, light up the front page refuting all these baseless allegations. I just can’t wait for today’s edition. Of course, I hope there are the usual couple of stories about Russian collusion in the 2016 election or President Trump’s tax return. Stay away from that other propaganda also Deano. You know, rampant inflation, gas prices, food prices skyrocketing. Small businesses crumbling, due to people making more money sitting home….you go Joey. Cyberattacks on the rise, Joey caving to Putin, removing Russian sanctions on pipelines, while shutting ours down. Major Cities ablaze, crime skyrocketing. Maybe a story on what Joey claims is the biggest problem in our country, systematic racism and white supremacy. Yeah, that’s the ticket.

Of course the right keeps referring to Joey as a cognitively challenged puppet for the likes of Pelosi, Schumer, AOC and the like. I myself, see a strategic genius, plotting his next move. Don’t get me started on his superior orating skills, clear ,concise and unscripted, reminds me of a young Jack Kennedy.

As always, the Times integrity is beyond reproach. CNN as well, just outstanding. Keep fighting the allegations from the radical right, or do what you do best, don’t even acknowledge anything that doesn’t fit your narrative. Your following if I be so bold, is almost cult like. Not Jim Jones cult like mind you. Wait a minute, his ideology was based on Socialism, so………..you guessed it, President Trump is a racist.

The example you set for our children is immeasurable. Thank you shaping the young minds of America. You must be so proud.

©Political Satire by Christopher Cirino. All rights reserved.

First-Ever Pride Month Ruined By 40 Days Of Rain

MESOPOTAMIA—It was going to be the first-ever Pride Month — a celebration of everyone doing everything they feel like doing in their hearts all the time — when it suddenly started raining and didn’t stop for forty days as God tried to wash all the wickedness off the earth.

“Ugh. Well, this ruins everything,” said one man, who had looked forward to the celebration but was instead climbing to the top of a building to get away from the ever-rising water.

This was going to be a celebration unlike anything the world had ever seen, and everyone was looking forward to it — except for Noah, a notorious stick in the mud.

“We’re all getting ready for a fun party,” said Noah’s neighbor, “and there he is, working on some boat or something. He won’t even wear his pride robe.”

The boat ended up being a boon for Noah as the flood covered the face of the entire earth and even led to some conspiracy theories that Noah knew this was going to happen.

Thanks to all life being wiped out, it will probably be a very long time before there is another pride month. Next time, the people plan to use the rainbow symbol to constantly remind God during the festivities that, no matter how wicked they get, He said He wouldn’t flood them again.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. All rights reserved.

Protecting Joey

I am here to address the accusations being hurled by the Radical Right against the man currently occupying the White House, Joey Biden.

For most of the six-or-so months since his election, I have been sending daily e-mails to a number of employees at that bastion of unbiased reporting, The New York Times. They include the big honcho Executive Editor Dean Baquet, journalist/news assistant Aidan Gardiner, and a number of low-to-mid-level customer-service people.

On mostly a daily basis, I have been expressing my outrage to them regarding the egregiously biased leftwing propaganda they shamelessly hawk to the public. While I can’t describe every grievance I express to them, here are some of the key issues.

THE BORDER

Call it a catastrophe, a crisis, a challenge, an inconvenience, it all gets so confusing. The Right calls it a catastrophe. Joey calls it a crisis. Joey’s Press Secretary Jen Psaki corrected Joey and called it a challenge. She said that he misspoke, which she has said quite often since she took the thankless role of interpreting, translating, generally figuring out what ole Joey actually said…or actually meant.

Personally, I call the border issue an inconvenience since I believe that Conservatives are blowing the entire issue way out of proportion.

First, if this were really a newsworthy issue, then the Harris administration would lift the ban on news agencies and cameras it has imposed on any seekers of information. You know, the way it was during President Trump’s administration.

Second, do you really think for a minute that if thousands of illegal aliens pouring over our southern border––perhaps hundreds or even thousands of them Covid-positive––was an important issue, that border Czar Kamala would not be down there 24/7, stopping the massive flow of Fentanyl destined to kill our children and criminal cartels with murder on their minds?

Does anyone really think she would have time to jet to Chicago and visit bakeries or Atlanta to do those sincerely heartfelt interviews with CNN? Not a chance. She would be on our southern border front and center, like she was during the Trump Administration, being oh-so-critical of the children condemned to the cages that Obama instituted! Now, according to Ms. Border Czar, they are “holding facilities.” Anyway, President Trump is a racist.

Joey sure tapped the right one to head up that project. She is cool under pressure, with that innocent schoolgirl laughter––more than a dozen people have told me it resembles the neurological condition known as Tourette’s Syndrome.

She also makes quite the fashion statement––those stiletto heels are the talk of the town. Of course the Right calls her grossly incompetent and overwhelmed by the sheer magnitude of the job and loathe to take on any assignment dictated by Joey’s disastrous Executive Orders. But the Left, predictably, applauds.

I’m just glad that she and Joey were able to patch things up after the Democratic primary––you know, where she strongly insinuated he was a racist  and sexual predator. But that’s just Joey’s style. Let bygones be bygones.

PRIORITIES

Next the right attacked Joey as just a puppet for the socialist-left faction of his party, pointing to the Covid and Infrastructure bills as Democratic “wish lists.” Joey has already pointed out that at least nine percent of the Covid bill and 25 percent of these bills are going towards gender studies. What are these unhinged conservatives yelling about? Don’t they understand that studies about gender, daycare, homecare, climate change, affordable housing, child tax credits, museum restorations, et al, fall under these bills? They even knocked Nancy Pelosi’s underground bullet train project out of the Covid bill. What do these people want?

The right is claiming that our country has become a laughing stock due to this administration. Recently, Joey called Putin a killer during one of his grueling in-depth interviews with George Stephanopoulos. Man that guy is tough, he really held Joey’s feet to the fire with his line of questioning. I just wish they would show Joey some courtesy and ask him some easier questions. You know, the way they treated President Trump.

Well, back to Putin. The word is the Russian leader wanted to race Ole Joe up the stairs or, alternatively, do a live debate with him, but Joey was too busy with his non-stop schedule and heading up the Covid crisis and so had to decline. But Putin better watch his step…he certainly doesn’t want Joey taking him behind the gym and beating the hell out of him!

Of course the right is saying this isn’t the reason at all that Joey declined Putin’s challenges. They point out that due to Joey’s limited cognitive ability, he can only do limited and very- scripted events. They point out that his only press conferences involve him wearing an earpiece that some functionary speaks into, literally dictating what he says, as well as a Teleprompter with hugely enlarged words for him to read. But they didn’t count on him saying, “Salute soldier” when he passed by a uniformed serviceman. And President Trump is a racist!

We even heard Joey saying to himself: “I’m gonna be in a lot of trouble for answering questions.” I mean who does Joey answer to? The right speculates it is “Dr.” Jill, Kamala, Nancy, Chuck, Susan Rice, or even Barack.  Who can forget him saying: “Don’t underestimate Joe’s ability to f**k things up.” Seemed like a strange thing to say about your VP, but he was probably kidding.

A PROBLEM WITH THE TRUTH

The onslaught against this man’s impeccable record never stops with the radical right. Here are just a few bits of their slanderous propaganda, or, as they call it, “Joe’s lies”: Joe said he graduated law school at the top half of his class, and has three undergraduate degrees. The right says he graduated near the bottom of his class and graduated with two degrees, not three. And he was also caught cheating on school exams.

The right––as well as The Washington Post––claims that he plagiarized a paper in his first year of law school. Actually, Joey acknowledged this misdeed, and it was also the reason he had to drop out of the 1988 Presidential campaign. I mean, C’mon man, who hasn’t plagiarized or cheated to get through college and law school?

During the 2019 debate, Joe set the record straight when he said: “We don’t lock people in cages. We didn’t separate families. We didn’t do all those things….they did.”  So, there radical right––take that! No, we better scratch that one too. That picture the media were showing to accuse Trump of caging children were taken in 2014, under Joey and Barack’s administration.

In a 2019 interview, when talking about the Iraq War, Joe said: “From the moment it started, I came out against the war.” Maybe we should skip this one too, as Joey voted wholeheartedly for the resolution to go to war.

Joe said there was no vaccine for Covid until he took office. Surprisingly though, Joey got his shots in December of 2020 and he didn’t take office until January 20, 2021. Hmmm.

Joe’s is outraged about the new Georgia voting laws, which he sees as racist. Referring to them as Jim Crow 2.0 or Jim Eagle 2.0….not too sure what he meant by this last one. He said it was wrong that people could not give out food and drinks while waiting on voting lines and claimed that was discrimination against minorities. That’s why whenever I vote, I stop for a hero or soda and then get in line! It was a problem when The Washington Post gave Joey 4 Pinocchios for blatantly lying about the new voting requirements. But then WAPO said it would suspend fact checking on Joey after his first 100 days. Same as they did for President Trump.

MEDIA MUSH

A vast majority of media outlets––print, TV, radio, Internet––give either none or minuscule coverage to these undeniable facts about Joey. This is a form of ghosting. Of course, another example is the lack of coverage given to Andy Cuomo and the witch hunt conducted of the NY Governor by the radical right.

Over 15,000 senior deaths, delaying the release of said information for months, a cover-up by his staff members, as well as nine or 10 or more accusations of sexual harassment or assault. Obviously these accusations can’t be true, as I haven’t heard a word from the #metoo movement about it in all these months.

But I digress. This neglect by the media is truly a perfect strategy for Joey and Andy alike. These outlets should be proud of the example they are setting for the children of this country and the world, quite frankly. Kudos to them for their unbiased, objective, non-political reporting. This rings especially true for The New York Times and CNN.

In fact, many of these outlets have been praising the efforts of the Harris administration. Well, maybe not the border so much. But like I said earlier, even the border can’t be all that bad since there is hardly any coverage of it. Why feed into this propaganda narrative by the radical right. These right-wing news outlets just scream of hypocrisy and selective reporting. Just sickening.

I would love to write more there is a breaking story coming over the wire. It seems they have identified the second shooter in the Kennedy assassination on the grassy knoll. Unbelievably, it was President Trump. It never ends with this guy.

©Christopher Cirino. All rights reserved.

THE WOKE ZONE: Protestors Peacefully Burn Down Man’s Business

Unlock a door to a dimension where riots are peaceful and silence is violence. This is The Woke Zone.

In our latest video, enter into the Woke Zone as one man sees a riot on the side of the store — but everyone else just sees a peaceful protest.

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire video by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Brilliant: Trump Begins Running 2024 Campaign Ads On Gas Pumps

U.S.—Well, it looks like the 2024 presidential race is kicking off, with former (and possibly future) President Donald Trump running his first set of ads on the television screens at gas pumps across the nation.

The ads began running this week, and mostly feature the politician and real estate mogul asking people if they miss him yet. They play on a loop over and over again as people at the pumps fill up their cars, paying the highest prices they’ve paid for gas in many years.

“Miss me yet?” Trump says in the 30-second spot. “If I were you, I’d miss me. I’m the most missable person, really. Everyone says so, all the best people. I tried to warn you. I tried to warn you people what would happen. But no, you didn’t listen, and now you’re paying five bucks for gas. Sad! But I’ll take you back. One thing about me is I’m very gracious. So let’s get me back in the White House in 2024. And I’ll forgive you people. Most of you, anyway.”

The Biden campaign isn’t taking this lying down though, and is running a series of billboards near gas stations with the catchy slogan, “THE HIGH GAS PRICES ARE BECAUSE THE ECONOMY IS DOING GREAT!”

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

‘Racial Division Will Never Go Away,’ Reports News Organization That Is Financially Dependent On Racial Division

MINNEAPOLIS, MN—As news organizations descended upon Minneapolis on the anniversary of George Floyd’s death, anchors and reporters solemnly reminded the country that racial division will likely always be an integral part of American society.

“The racial division that has plagued our country for so long, and that has led to hours of sensational news stories and high ratings for our network, will likely be around to stay,” said CNN anchor Wolf Blitzer. “This is very sad, but we can promise you that CNN will be there to cover it and drive you mad with anxiety and despair every time it rears its ugly head.”

Journalists from other networks all made similar statements, reminding everyone that America is a horribly racist country and will likely be that way forever.

“Really sad,” said CBS News Anchor Scott Pelley. “Let us take a moment today to remember what George Floyd did for the cause of justice, as well as our ratings.”

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

10 Promising Republican Candidates For 2024

Biden, who is the most popular candidate to ever be elected president, will be a tough opponent to beat in 2024. To face Biden, the Republican Party will need to bring out their best and brightest to run for office! Here are 10 candidates we desperately hope will run.


Barron Trump: We don’t know much about young Barron except that he’s tall and his last name is Trump. That fulfills 2 of the 3 most important requirements to be president.

Donald Trump in disguise: Slap a mustache on that guy and see if we can sneak him back in there!

Ronald Reagan’s ghost: The great Ronald Reagan. Can we bring him back? Someone get on that.

Mike Lindell: Imagine the sleep you’d get on a MyPillow knowing that there’s enough Hydroxychloroquine — and freedom — for everyone.

Alex Jones: The man was right. About everything. Maybe Donald Trump can be VP to help mellow Alex out a little.

3 Ben Shapiros stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat: Like we said– in order to be president, you have to be tall. That will require at least 3 Ben Shapiros. You also get 3 times the lib ownage. Great option.

An AR-15 wearing a MAGA hat: America’s enemies will never mess with us again.

“Q”: According to the latest messages from Q, he is already the shadow president and will be hauling the Dems off to jail any day now.

Metallica: We can think of nothing more awesome than having the entire heavy metal band co-presidenting the country together– with the power of ROCK.

The entire cast of Duck Dynasty: Faith, family, firearms, and the 3rd most important requirement to be president: beards.


Plenty of great choices to work with here. Victory is all but guaranteed! Get on it, RNC!

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. All rights reserved.

Ilhan Omar: ‘Antisemitism Wouldn’t Be A Problem If We Got Rid Of All The Jews’

MINNEAPOLIS, MN — Congresswoman Ilhan Omar proposed a radical solution to the nation’s antisemitism problem: getting rid of all the Jews. The plan is already being embraced by leaders of Hamas, Al-Qaeda, Boko Haram, the government of Iran, and the Democrat party.

“It recently struck me that the common thread among all of these heinous instances of antisemitism is that they are directed towards Jews,” Omar noted at a press conference. “If we can get rid of all the Jews, we can get rid of antisemitism once and for all!”

Omar said her plan doesn’t advocate for violence against people of Jewish descent. Instead, she said her plan would be to round up the remaining Jews and move them out of places like Israel and the United States so they will be free from the threat of antisemitic attacks.

“I figure we can just let them wander around the desert somewhere where nobody can bother them,” Omar said. “As long as they’re not in the Middle East, Europe, Africa, Asia, or the Americas, they should be fine. I hear Antarctica is nice this time of year!”

Several other progressive members of Congress have started adapting Omar’s plans to tackle other challenges. Nancy Pelosi has proposed getting rid of Republicans to prevent another attack on the Capitol building, and Bernie Sanders is advocating for getting rid of poor people in order to eliminate poverty.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

WATCH: White Liberal Shocked As Black Man Acquires ID

Are voter ID laws racist? Of course. But, wait, how did this African American obtain one? Weird!

WATCH:

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire video by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

LEGO Unveils New Genderless Bricks With No Male/Female Connectors

BILLUND, DENMARK—As part of its new push toward inclusion and diversity, LEGO has unveiled a new set of genderless bricks without male or female connectors. The entirely smooth bricks have no suggestive male nubs or female receptors and instead have entirely smooth, androgynous sides all around.

“This represents a new era in inclusive building bricks!” said LEGO spokesperson Bjørn Irkestøm-Slater Walker. “Finally — anyone can play with our LEGOs without being triggered by those horrid male and female parts that imply they’re only supposed to fit in one direction. Every brick can stack on any other brick without anyone misgendering anything or making a brick feel bad because it only fits in one way.”

“I mean, I guess they’re pretty much just blocks now,” he admitted. “But they’re INCLUSIVE blocks!”

The bricks will still, of course, instantly kill you if you step on them.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

BLM Sends Rioters To Gaza To Protest Israel By Burning Down Palestinian Businesses

GAZA—BLM has expressed solidarity with Hamas and Palestine by sending organizers to protest Israel by rampaging through Gaza and burning down Palestinian-owned businesses.

“Everyone knows the best way to fight back against your oppressor is to burn down your own community,” said BLM leader Patrisse Cullors. “We here at BLM are experts at that, so we figured the least we can do is help out.”

BLM sent 500 of their best ground troops to enter Gaza at night. They immediately began looting the local shoe store and Halal market before setting fire to an apartment building.

“Free, free, Palestine! Free, free, Palestine! Black and brown lives matter!” they chanted loudly as the townspeople began to wake up.

“This seems kinda counterproductive,” said one Hamas leader. “But, if it works in America, maybe we should try it here.”

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Kamala Harris Starting To Worry Biden Will Fully Destroy America Before She Even Gets A Chance

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Vice President Kamala Harris has expressed her concern that she will never get a chance to destroy America, as Biden has lived much longer than expected and will ruin the entire country before she gets a crack at it.

“He’s lived through his first hundred days and already destroyed most of our institutions — there won’t be anything left for me to ruin,” said a nervous-looking Harris as she put her feet up on the Oval Office desk, as Biden was taking a nap. “I don’t know how much longer I can wait. Every time he destroys another industry, devalues the U.S. dollar, causes hyperinflation, or ruins the job economy, a little part of me dies inside — that little girl who wanted to be president and destroy everything — her dreams die.”

“Maybe we can pass some more constitutional amendments so I can destroy those? I don’t know. Whatever we need to do to ensure I still have things to break when he finally kicks the bucket.”

At publishing time, Harris had taken matters into her own hands and rubbed some barbecue sauce on Biden’s sleeping neck in hopes that Major Biden would take care of her little problem.

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