Bergdahl outed as Gay Muslim — Critics Shamed into Silence

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As if cheers and glorification that Bowe Bergdahl received from the White House, as well as from ESPN, MSNBC, and other media outlets were not enough, the returning POW has just come out of the closet as a gay Muslim, giving his fans yet another reason to celebrate his courage and heroism.

Rachel Maddow devoted an entire episode of her show celebrating the “marriage of the world’s most tolerant religion with the world’s most tolerant lifestyle.”

“I can’t tell you how happy I am to see the glorious day when gays and Muslims stand hand in hand,” said Maddow, “This is just more proof, not that we needed any, that right-wing Christian Nazis are not only out of the mainstream, but fading away in our culture altogether. Maybe we can even deport Ken Ham back to Australia.”

Shortly afterwards, Bergdahl received a congratulatory call from the U.S. President, who offered him the position of Secretary of Defense, a nomination he was sure to pass the Senate.

“Sgt. Bergdahl represents everything I believe about America,” said the President from the Rose Garden the following morning. “I’m sure he’ll do even more for our men, women, and transgendered persons in uniform than the outgoing Chuck Hagel. What Bowe has already done for our military and for boosting the confidence of our Afghan allies is without parallel in modern times.”

Bergdahl_mom_Obama.jpgMichelle Obama and the visiting Danish Prime Minister looked on in apparent shock as Bowe’s mother, Mrs. Bergdahl, embraced the president, kissed him several times, and began loosening his tie, while Bowe’s father repeatedly chanted “Allahu akbar.”

Mr. Hagel was seen nodding the entire time with visible approval.

Senate Majority leader Harry Reid issued this televised statement: “Bergdahl’s nomination sends a strong message to the extremists in the Tea Party and to the Koch brothers: you have failed and your influence is dying. On the positive side, we finally have a Secretary of Defense who has a track record of reaching out to the other side and working together in a bipartisan fashion.”

Republican senator Lindsey Graham said that he tentatively endorses the nomination, but warned that if Bergdahl ever again betrayed his oath, abandoned his post, endangered the lives of his former comrades in arms, committed treason, or gave the enemy information that led to the deaths of more U.S. servicemen, he would tell him to stop.
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Halfway around the world, there was celebrating in the mountains of Afghanistan, as a previously obscure al-Qaeda affiliate, Rainbow Jihad, received the news of Bergdahl’s reception and promotion. “Allah be praised!” exulted an RJ warrior Ibrahim, repeatedly shooting in the air with his Pink Kitty automatic rifle. “Allah knows how I miss our Bowe.”

Bergdahl also received a surprise phone call from the St. Louis Rams offering him a starting position as quarterback. Rams owner, Stan Kroenke, said, “It has nothing to do with him being a gay Muslim or us being fearful of media outrage if we don’t draft him. He’s just the man we’re looking for to put on the field; someone who has a knack for understanding what the other side is up to. Besides, we might just be able to trade him for five better players next season.”

“I’m really overwhelmed,” said a tearful Bergdahl. “If I had known I would have gotten this much support and publicity, I’d have betr-, uh, reached out to the citizens of Afghanistan much sooner.”

To celebrate the tidal wave of affirmations and good news, Christian baker Jack Phillips has been ordered to bake a special cake complete with rainbows, crescents, crossed swords, and verses from the Qur’an. “To me, that’s just icing on the cake,” commented a cheerful Bergdahl with a wink.

Attempts were made to contact members of Bergdahl’s platoon for their reaction to the news, but so far none have been found or seem to have existed.

SecDef Chuck Hagel Run Over By Bus

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Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel was unexpectedly run over by a bus in Washington, DC today as he was reaching for a buck President Obama was trying to pass him.

No word on whether the Secretary was injured or not, as journalists are having trouble extracting him from the pile of other individuals caught under the same bus.

“The wheels of the bus go round and round,” one rescuer said. “It’s difficult to get close to the vehicle because you’re afraid of getting hit by a spinning wheel yourself.”

Witnesses said it appeared as though the driver of the bus was intentionally trying to run over Mr. Hagel, or at the very least, did nothing to try and avoid the Secretary as he stepped off the curb. A composite description assembled by authorities described the driver as a tall, skinny guy with big ears and a huge ego.

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“I got the feeling he couldn’t throw a baseball very well but was good at golf,” noted an eyewitness on the scene.

Other witnesses had the feeling that Mr. Hagel simply did not see it coming.

“It’s not unusual for him, given his performance so far as Secretary of Defense,” said one defense expert.

Sources said Mr. Hagel may have been preoccupied by recent stories in the media naming him as the official who made the final decision to go ahead with the prisoner swap with the Taliban for Bowe Bergdahl:

Now the White House says Hagel made final call on Bergdahl as criticism of Obama over prisoner swap mounts. Congress learned on Monday that Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel gave final approval for the prisoner exchange that freed Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl. Last week, Hagel said the swap was a unanimous decision made by senior officials. Hagel is expected to defend the prisoner exchange on Wednesday in an appearance before the House Armed Services Committee.

“The man’s memory is not very good if he doesn’t remember important decisions,” noted a White House insider. “It’s no wonder he forgot he shouldn’t walk in front of buses.”

Whatever the ultimate cause, this latest episode continues an odd string of bus accidents involving Obama Administration officials dating back to January, 2009.

“It’s like there’s a curse,” observed one journalist. “I’m not a superstitious woman but if I worked in the Obama White House, I’d be really careful about buses.”

Capital One forms “Unilateral Partnership” with People’s Cube

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This week Capital One has established a new unilateral partnership with the People’s Cube, with the purpose of creating catchy and spectacular advertising materials. The first rule in such a unilateral partnership is that one partner doesn’t let the other partner know anything about it. The second rule is that the other partner doesn’t get any of the proceeds from the resulting revenues.

In practical terms that means that Capital One produces their ads based on the People’s Cube material, and we at the People’s Cube find out about it on Facebook from an alert reader who sends us a link.

The first ad resulting from our exciting new partnership with Capital One features a gloriously red People’s Cube on a rough wooden surface, under the caption, “It just got easy.”

We can only guess what the next Capital One ad will be, but we expect our members to post their suggestions in what may become a very productive and successful unilateral partnership with Capital One.

On our part, laborers at various People’s Cube departments have already enthusiastically signed different kinds of improvised one-sided contracts with Capital One, many of them in triplicate and notarized in red pencil, stating that they don’t want to hear anything about Capital One using their work, demanding that they never be contacted by Capital One representatives, nor receive any compensation for their selfless toil for the Common Good™ in the field of visual agitation and propaganda.

We have scheduled a spontaneous celebration of this historic development at 21:00 behind the tractor barn. Many a rationing coupon is expected to be redeemed tonight to ensure an uninterrupted flow of beet vodka, stale bread, and pickled beet products. And by all means, bring your own beets!

This looks like the beginning of a beautiful unilateral friendship.

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RELATED ARTICLE: Unsecured Yet Easy Credit Cards to Qualify For

Merger of Milky Way and Andromeda Galaxies approved by President Obama

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Galactic News, Stardate – 308582.5: Today the Justice Department, along with the Commerce, Transportation, Treasury, and various other alphabetical departments have announced the approval of the biggest merger in history: of the Andromeda Galaxy and our own Milky Way.

“This has been in the works since the early days of Obama’s presidency,” said Ivana Suyu, Justice Department spokeswoman. “Although the merger will not happen for two billion years, we wanted to have everything in order and ensure that there is fairness for our galaxy,” she added.

Considering the number of issues involved, approval of the merger required intense participation of just about every department in Washington.

The Treasury needed to make sure the Andromeda Galaxy has not filed for bankruptcy in the last billion years. “Talk about too big to fail,” says Phillip Porkbarrel, a high ranking Treasury advisor. “We couldn’t bail them out even by executive order; there isn’t enough space on planet Earth and the moon combined, to print up and store the extra money needed to bail out a galaxy.”

Then there were wormhole connections, dimensional gateways, hyperspace lanes, smuggling routes and other related items that required approval of the Commerce and Transportation Departments.

The Departments of Agriculture, Education, Homeland Security, and Health and Human Services will coordinate efforts in accommodating the influx of undocumented space aliens from both galaxies, who will be welcomed on planet Earth with EBT cards, free tuition at college, free medical care, housing, and other diversity benefits that will help them to populate our planet without the need to learn our carbon-based culture.

A special Cloward-Piven interagency fund will pay for an army of translators from every galactic language until the time the last un-curious earthling gets around to speaking alien.

The new combined galaxy will be known as Andromeda-Milky. “Of course we would have preferred our galaxy’s name to be first, but we made a concession to make sure we’re all at the top of the alphabet. They also made quite a few concessions that benefit us,” explained Suyu. According to insiders, some of these concessions include finding employment for President Barack Obama once his second presidential term expires.

Preliminary reports suggest that on Earth-date January 20, 2017, Barack Obama will assume the title of Galactic Emperor of both the Andromeda and Milky Way Galaxies, at which time he will be given the ability to zap people with lightning from his fingers, along with a red light saber and a cloak with a hoodie.

The new dual empire will be modeled after Austria-Hungary but on a much larger scale. Once the galaxies are physically merged four to six billion years from now, Emperor Obama’s job will be to consolidate them into one single unit on the principles of social, environmental, and gravitational justice, ensuring equality of all planets regardless of their color, orbit, temperature, or the presence of intelligent life on the surface.

The Andromeda Galaxy to provide Emperor Obama with an Imperial Fleet flying him to the hottest vacation spots in either galaxy or elsewhere across the universe.

“The Obamas have already been everywhere on planet Earth, and that annual three-or-four-week vacation to Hawaii is starting to get old,” explained the White House official enforcer and R&R coordinator, Darth ValJar.

“The president’s fine tastes entitle him to see the best of what other galaxies have to offer. First Empress Michelle Obama will be provided with a separate Imperial Fleet even if she is traveling to the same location as her husband, and each family pet will also get an Imperial Fleet for separate travel,” Darth ValJar said.

The dual galactic empire will consist of 57 trillion planets, which Obama intends to keep all in line with the help of The Golf Star – a gigantic, remotely controlled golf club that will exist in space, allowing him to practice his golf swing and make it clear that he is to be obeyed. Should any galactic entity get out of line, the emperor will swing the club and send that planet or entire solar system into the nearest black hole.

Some Republican critics are already questioning Barack Obama’s plans to be around during the galactic merger two billion years from now, providing evidence that most humans do not live beyond 122 years at best. “President Obama is superior to regular human beings,” says outgoing White House spokesperson Jay Carney. “Besides, government scientists are working on a plan to download Obama’s mind into the Honda robot to which he bowed to a while back. If anything breaks down in that robot over time, it can be then simply replaced.”

Other critics have noted that by that time the earth will likely be either engulfed by the sun or become uninhabitable as our sun becomes a red giant. “The President and First Lady plan to co-sign an executive order banning the sun from doing this, giving a whole new meaning for the term ‘global warming’,” a White House insider explained. “The order will categorize the sun as a monopoly that ought to be broken up into smaller suns and redistributed if necessary. If that doesn’t work, the Emperor will be relocated to a new home world on Saturn’s moon Titan, which should be warm enough by then. Contingency plans involve returning planetary status to Pluto, where Obama can be urgently relocate if Titan doesn’t work out.”

Quite predictably, Republicans have not signed onto the merger, questioning the need, the costs, and the lack of free elections to the office of the Galactic Emperor. “The obstructionist party of ‘NO’ is at it again,” says Congressman Maximilian Wastealot (D-NY). “All we’re trying to do here is a simple merger of two galaxies, why do we even need oversight? Why do we need to deal with messy and costly elections when the President has already volunteered to give up his retirement and take on the burdens of the position of Galactic Emperor? This is why Republicans and Tea Parties are going to be banned in the new empire. I trust they will change their position once they become acquainted with what comes out of the new Emperor’s fingers,” he quipped.

According to inside sources, the office of U.S. president in post-Obama America will become a mostly ceremonial position and will be phased out over time, as Emperor Barack and Empress Michelle plan to rule the galaxies as autocrats.

Obama Trades All Remaining Gitmo Detainees for Magic Beans

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On the heels of his widely-praised exchange of Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl for five captured Taliban commanders, which Democratic strategists are comparing to trading General George Patton for five taxi drivers, President Obama went them one better and swapped all remaining Guantanamo detainees for a bag of magic beans.

In announcing the trade, Secretary of State John Kerry stated, “President Obama has unloaded hundreds of unskilled laborers and taxi drivers whom we already have enough of, and transported them from Gitmo to Afghanistan where they will be more likely to find jobs that fit their training and aspirations, like driving a cab, or follow their dream of being an artist or a poet.”

“The magic beans he obtained from the Taliban in the trade will grow into large beanstalks which will pierce the cloud cover of Republican obstructionism surrounding the planet, and help alleviate climate change. It’s a win-win,” Kerry said.

“This is a big effing deal,” said Vice President Joe Biden praising the trade. “For years the enemy has claimed our foreign policy was based on magical thinking. This swap is proof that we are guided by practicality and realism,” Biden said, adding in passing that “someone’s been eating [his] porridge.”

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid also made a supportive statement, noting that the giant beanstalks will help reduce the deficit: “We can send people to climb up the beanstalks and steal gold from the giant Koch Brothers, who have hidden it in a castle in the clouds so they wouldn’t have to pay taxes on it. Fee, fi, fo, fum,” stated Reid.

State Department’s Senior Twitterer, Jen Psaki, preempted any hostile criticism by Tweeting that the idea of growing large beanstalks around the White House has nothing to do with making it difficult to see what’s going on inside, nor is it an attempt to distract attention from alleged “scandals,” such as, the VA and Benghazi. “If anything, President Obama does not give himself enough credit for all his accomplishments in the last five years. He doesn’t need magic plants to hide his successes from the public,” Psaki Tweeted.

UN Ambassador Susan Rice led the Administration’s effort to sell the transaction to TV viewers, telling a Sunday cooking show that “magic beans can be served with honor and distinction, especially with a main dish of fowl, such as crow.”

In a rare public statement, Mullah Omar, leader of the Taliban Taxi Drivers’ Union, called the swap a “victory” for President Obama in his fight against climate change. “Allah willing, we will continue to aid Obama’s jihad against non-believers in global warming.”

“Since he’s clean out of detainees, maybe Obama can trade more of our magic beans for something else he doesn’t need, like spent plutonium, for example. Our mountain caves make excellent toxic waste repositories. Call me if you want to trade, Barack,” stated Omar, holding his thumb and index finger out in the traditional “phone call” hand gesture.

Maya Angelou was truly the Barack Obama of poetry

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In a touching tribute to the recently deceased celebrated poet, Maya Angelou, president Barack Obama didn’t spare elevated epithets, praising her as “the Barack Obama of poetry” and taking a few ceremonial selfies with his cell phone, having the poet’s portrait as the backdrop.

The portrait behind Barack Obama features the politically correct depiction of Maya Angelou, his staunchest ally and advocate, holding the first black president in her arms like her beloved child, with the symbolic representation of a “fundamentally transformed” America in the background.

The portrait itself was created back in 2012 by the Department of Visual Agitation and Unanimity at the PeoplesCube.com in recognition of Angelou’s BET Honors award, which celebrated the poet’s unconditional praise of Barack Obama’s presidency while blaming any criticism of his performance on white racism and Republican hatred of the first black president.

The award from the Black Entertainment Television, which in today’s progressive culture is seen as America’s highest civilian honor, conclusively topped the downtrodden author’s previous Presidential Medal of Freedom, three Grammys, a Pulitzer nomination, and 30 honorary degrees – especially considering that it was presented to her on live TV personally by a stalwart entertainer, Michelle Obama, whom Angelou had earlier described as “the grand dame.”

“I thought my heart would burst,” the poet told reporters later, referring to Michelle Obama’s unexpected entrance at the Fifth Annual BET Honors.

For more information about this portrait and a sample of Angelou’s poetry, see our 2012 article, Maya Angelou: ‘Barack Obama has done a remarkable job.’

Facts Suggest Vets Delayed Own Tests to Make Obama Look Bad

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After the recent revelation of long wait times and delays in care at VA hospitals shocked the nation, congressional Democrats from both houses and independent journalists undertook their own investigation to determine the cause of the problem.

What they found was shocking: evidence of a coordinated conspiracy among numerous ill veterans to avoid seeking medical care and blame their subsequent problems on President Obama.

“It’s racism pure and simple.” said one congressional staffer who played a tape recording of a VA patient telling an undercover investigator “I’m supposed to go for a colonoscopy next week but I’m gonna skip it and blame it on Obama if I get sick.”

“I know it sounds an awful lot like me,” the staffer said of the tape, “but it is a VA patient. Trust me.”

While on the surface, it seems incredible and even bizarre that anyone would go to such lengths to embarrass a politician they dislike, it is consistent with the pattern of racism that has emerged since the coronation of the country’s first black president in January 2009.

Recently for example, Senator Jay Rockefeller (D-WV) revealed that while the Affordable Care Act aka ObamaCare has been wildly successful beyond anyone’s dreams; it would be even more so if not for a concerted effort by racists who desire it to fail:

“I’ll be able to dig up some emails that make part of the Affordable Care Act that doesn’t look good – especially from people who made up their mind that they don’t want it to work because they don’t like the president. Maybe he’s of the wrong color, something of that sort. I’ve seen a lot of that and I know a lot of that to be true. It’s not something you’re meant to talk about in public but it’s something I’m talking about in public because that is very true.”

“If they’re writing emails, you know they’re serious about sabotaging it, those are prima facie evidence,” a well-paid intern on the senator’s staff told us. “I mean, people don’t take the trouble to email if they’re just kidding around. That’s what Twitter and Facebook are for.”

“I can just see them racists sitting there and hitting RESET and ENTER over and over again on the healthcare.gov website, and cursing President Obama each time they get a 404. They’re vicious, I tell ya!”

Frighteningly enough, it appears these latest trumped-up scandals are part of an intense, multi-front racist effort to discredit the president. The opening shot was the revival of the stale two-year-old already-explained Benghazi fiasco last month.

Rep. James Clyburn (D-SC) put this “scandal” in its proper perspective for all reasonable people:

“I seem to remember our history. After reconstruction, when people of color gained political presence throughout the south, they drummed up all kinds of things, indictments and accusations, they drove these people out of the south. Some went to Chicago, some came here to Washington D.C. And I see the same kind of efforts to discredit this president and this administration.”

Famous investigative journalist and perpetual victim of bad hair-styling Eleanor Clift recently once again debunked the Benghazi accusations against the president:

“I’d like to point out that Ambassador Stevens was not ‘murdered’,” she said, bending her fingers in the air to suggest the drawing of quote marks, “but died of smoke inhalation in a CIA safe room.”

Another journalist put it more bluntly: “It’s safe to say racists in the CIA murdered him to make Obama look bad.”

Even more startling, however, is the realization that the efforts to make Barack Obama look bad did not start in 2009 or even in the 21st century, but actually began in the 1780s. Investigative blogger Ezra Klein explains the facts to readers of low intelligence:

Klein makes the argument that it is unfair to expect Obama to succeed when the presidency is designed to be ineffective. In Klein’s view, instead of blaming Obama for being an absentee president, we should be scolding James Madison and Alexander Hamilton for crafting a Constitution that didn’t provide a president with the ability to govern because of the checks and balances incorporated into the system.

“The racism in this country is sickening!” chanted all living MSNBC commentators in unison. “It’s obvious the Tea Party was plotting against Barack Obama nearly two centuries before he was born. If that’s not racism, what is?”

Experts are at a loss to explain why so many seemingly normal people are consumed by such hatred for President Obama.

“You take former President Bush,” said one psychologist wearing a “Buck Fush” T-shirt. “On the surface, he seems like a nice guy, always smiling like a chimp. So you tell me why he started two unnecessary wars to ensure that 10 years later the VA hospitals would be overloaded and make America’s first black president look bad! How do you explain that, huh?”

“I don’t understand what drives people to irrational hatred, but I’m sure it has something to do with the Koch Brothers,” mused Senator Harry Reid (D-NV).

“I don’t know what the next phony scandal to arise around Barack Obama will be,” said future House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi, “but one thing I know for sure: racist hatred of the president will be behind it. It always is.”

Let’s Make Movie: Beavis and Butthead in the White House

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Lets make a movie about a gang of pot head college elitists who end up running the USA. How funny would that be?

[youtube]http://youtu.be/-5BScGVnMOw[/youtube]

Climate Change Blamed for ‘Icy Reception’ to Obama Speech at West Point

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Experts in the world’s only settled science were shocked as dramatic new evidence has emerged that climate change is much worse than even the most dire forecasts had predicted.

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Frozen USMA cadets. Photo courtesy of the White House.

As President Obama visited the US Military Academy at West Point to give a commencement address that could only be described as “awesome,” his speech received what a state-approved and licensed CNN journalist termed an “icy reception.”

This followed a bizarre incident where the wildly-popular and much beloved president received “tepid applause and a short standing ovation from less than one-quarter of the audience upon his introduction” according to stunned credentialed journalists who witnessed the surrealistic scene.

“This is an incredible worsening of climate change in just five years,” said Charles Gore-Kerry, a fictional amalgam of the biggest climate change experts, one we were forced to create because no one would talk to us.

“Back in 2009, Barack Obama could not go to the toilet without receiving a 20-minute standing ovation! Now, just five years later, it’s obvious most of these people are frozen solid in their seats! At this rate, by late 2015, there will be no ice in the Arctic and all of Obama’s audience will be glaciated, far ahead of what the hockey stick graph predicted,” Charles Gore-Kerry warned.

Stunned by deterioration in the earth’s climate, the president is expected to propose taking dramatic new action on Climate Change, such as scheduling any future speeches in warmer places, like Hawaii.

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Obama ‘Madder Than Hell’ After Software Glitch Triggers WWIII

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President Obama told a press conference today that he is “madder than hell” and “no one is angrier than I am” after a routine test of new $100 billion software program intended to allow him to play computer-simulated golf rounds accidentally triggered World War III.

The president told the assembled journalists he only found out about the war while watching the news on TV. The inadvertent conflict is expected to kill upwards of one billion people.

The president once again denied accusations that the golf software project had suffered from incompetence and mismanagement since it first began 5 years ago, saying “ICBM silos mysteriously go on red alert status all the time, there was no reason to think virtual putting was connected to any of it.”

As far as the rumors that the lights at SAC HQ went out every time the golf software crashed, Mr. Obama remarked “it was just a coincidence.”

Continuing his prepared statement, the president vowed to “get to the bottom of this” and toward that end, announced he was seriously considering forming a blue ribbon panel consisting of experts from the consulting company that created the software, as well as their families and friends, to investigate the problem and get back to him no later than six months from now.

The president said he would make a final decision on the blue ribbon panel after returning from vacation.

After his statement, the president took questions from the assembled reporters, during which he expressed his acrimony, indignation, and seething resentment over the software problems. At one point, the president’s choler became so intense, he asked for a Thesaurus to be brought out for him to refer to as he spoke.

As the press conference ended, the president, still visibly annoyed, shook his fist in the air and announced “Let me be clear, heads are going to roll!” He then peevishly grabbed his golf bag and left the press room.

Shortly after the news conference, the White House Office of Cool Technology Investments announced the resignation of Cora Uption, the official in charge of hiring the consulting company that created the glitchy golf software. Ms. Uption had previously announced her retirement from the WHOCTI effective next month so she could accept a much higher-paying job as a lobbyist for the consulting company that created the glitchy golf software.

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi, emerging from her taxpayer-provided personal fallout shelter complete with movie theater, swimming pool, and wet bar, took the occasion to place the blame for the war on former president George W. Bush.

“This is just another problem we inherited from Bush,” stated Pelosi. “If he had authorized the creation of virtual golf software for the White House instead of waging illegal wars for oil, this would’ve happened on his watch!”

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, hiding in a location so secret not even he is sure of where he is, released a brief statement: “Didn’t I warn you about the Koch Brothers? Huh? Didn’t I?”

Meanwhile, executives at CNN defended their decision to limit coverage of World War III in favor of continuing round-the-clock coverage of the missing Malaysian Airlines Flight 370.

“Get a clue,” said one executive off the record. “Where is most of our audience? Airports! What are people in airports most interested in? Planes! It’s not rocket science!”

In a late breaking development on this story, President Obama made an appearance on “Late Night with David Letterman” last night during which he told the host he is “still really steamed about this.”

“You know me, Dave, I’ve been on your show four or five hundred times, you know when I’m irate, right?”

“Yes, Mr. President, I do.”

“Tell ’em, Dave, tell the audience if I’m pissed or not.”

“Ladies and gentlemen, I know President Obama, and believe me, he’s mad,” Letterman said.

Climate science in chaos due to shortage of scary synonyms

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Experts in the world’s only settled science are up in arms today as a blunder committed by a staunch ally threatens their efforts to raise taxes and save the planet.

On a recent visit to Washington DC, French foreign minister Laurent Fabius told President Obama and Secretary of Climate John Kerry, “we have 500 days to avoid climate chaos.” The remarks came less than a week after the White House released its 829 page National Climate Assessment which introduced the term “climate disruption.”

“That French cretin wasn’t supposed to use ‘climate chaos’ yet!” screamed a government-funded climate scientist at a leading research facility, as he was polishing his hockey stick. “We just started using ‘climate disruption’ last week and hadn’t even come close to getting all the money and regulations we wanted from it yet. Dammit!”

His colleague, a computer scientist, who was busy cooking fudge to mix with temperature data, concurred: “Fabius ruined our best new synonym by springing it far too early. The only good one we have left to use is ‘catastrophe.’ Good synonyms don’t grow on trees, you know. Thanks to morons like him, nothing else will either!”

Many in the climate science racket downplayed the damage. One expert, addressing a UN conference on sustainability via telephone from his 10,000 sq. foot mansion, told the only-mildly-inebriated delegates that there were still some good synonyms left to use, such as “calamity.”

“Besides,” continued Mr. Gore, “as someone once said, ‘What’s in a name? Bulls**t by any other name would still sell as sweetly.'”

But others were not so sure. “You can’t use ‘calamity’ after you use ‘chaos’ and ‘catastrophe’,” said one Hollywood environmental activist during a save-the-earth orgy. “It’s a step down! It’s like driving a Tesla Model S and then having to use a Chevy Volt. You might as well plug it in and let the whole garage burn down.”

“Climate science needs to start thinking out of the box on this,” stated Secretary of Climate Kerry. “Now Senator Reid, he suggested ‘Climate Koch Brothers’… I think he’s on the right track but I’m not sure it’s quite what we need at this crucial hour in earth’s history.”

Many in the movement are pushing the idea of using a phrase instead of a single word.

“The problem has gotten much too big for just one word,” said a state-approved media climate expert. “We’ve got to go bigger, something like ‘Climate Totally Bad F*cking Sh*tstorm’… that would get the deniers’ attention.”

But there are problems with that approach as well. “It wouldn’t fit on a bumper sticker” said one activist. “At least, not if you drive a Chevy Volt.”

Ultimately, the final decision will rest with the climate science community’s spiritual mentor, Climate-Scientist-in-Chief Barack Obama.

Mr. President, the world awaits your Tweet…

Spirit of Ambassador Stevens Doesn’t Want Benghazi Investigation

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TPC News, Washington DC – In an effort to cooperate with Republican calls to investigate the events leading up to the attack on Benghazi, House Democrats on Thursday took the unusual step of going straight to the source of the controversy.

“Only one person can answer all their questions,” explained Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi, “and though he has passed on, Ambassador Stevens can still be summoned from the beyond, and this is what we did.”

“No one whom Republicans want to investigate was actually in Benghazi as a witness. So this is nothing but a desperate attempt to win political points for the next election. When they tried to get House Democrats to participate in their grandstanding and pretend it’s anything other than political theater, we decided that enough was enough and went to the only person that could clear things up. We went to Mme. Blavatsky,” Pelosi said.

Mme_Blavatsky.jpg Mme. Blavatsky, a long time resident of Washington DC, is a trusted spiritual medium of the old school, who conducts seances by special request. With very few people outside the Beltway familiar with her name, Mme. Blavatsky is nonetheless a highly influential figure in the salons of the Democratic Party.

Though the press is rarely present at such Democratic Party events, this one warranted extensive media coverage. The invited journalists and bloggers were asked to stay behind the roped-off area in complete silence, as high-ranking House Democrats sat at a large round table holding hands, with the striking Mme. Blavatsky at its head.

“Shhh!” she said after a long silence, and called on everyone at the table to close their eyes and concentrate.

The seance went through the usual standard operating procedures (we mustn’t bore our readers with those details), and within a reasonable period of time Mme. Blavatsky was alternately speaking tongues, laughing, weeping, and gossiping with famous dead people who were idling their time in the beyond.

The trivial chatter eventually shifted to Benghazi and her wish to speak to Ambassador Stevens.

As Mme. Blavatsky went quiet, the House Democrats at the seance table became noticeably fidgety. Many opened their eyes and saw an amazing thing happen.

As if all of a sudden, a doorway to an adjoining room opened, revealing a spectral figure of a bespectacled man. He appeared old and worn, looking more like Harry Reid than Ambassador Stevens. Did Stevens wear glasses?

“I am Ambassador Stevens,” the shadowy shape said. “Why do you summon me?”

Mme. Blavatsky explained the situation.

“Benghazi?” said the spectral form in the doorway. “Please, I ask that you don’t investigate that unfortunate misunderstanding. There’s nothing to be gained. You’ll only aggravate old wounds. I know better than you, as I am a spirit, and again I ask you to stop the investigation.”

With that desperate plea from beyond, the seance seemed to be over. Mme. Blavatsky thanked the spirit for dropping in, fully expecting him to skedaddle. The high-ranking Democrats around the table seemed to expect the same thing, lowering their hands and beginning to chit-chat.

But the ethereal spirit didn’t seem to have gotten the memo.

“If you want to investigate anything,” he said, showing no intention to vanish back from whence it had come, “you should investigate those Koch brothers. I’ve been up here in heaven for a while and I’ll tell you God doesn’t like those Koch brothers. I’ve got it on good authority from up there, at the highest levels of heaven, that the Koch brothers are doing the work of the devil and that’s why they’re behind global warming. I ask from beyond the grave here: stop this right-wing Koch-fueled conspiracy about Benghazi and investigate those damn evil Koch brothers from hell! I repeat, investigate the Koch brothers!”

Just then the lights suddenly went out and security hurriedly led the assembled press corpse out of the mansion and back into the light of day with a news story, which boiled down to one sentence: Spirit of Ambassador Stevens asks the Democrats to stop investigating Benghazi and start investigating the Koch brothers.

#DoNotRidiculeHashTagDiplomacy

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It has come to my attention that #hastagdiplomacy is being actively ridiculed and parodied by right wing, knuckle dragging, Busheois TEA Party neanderthals. Well, this time the joke’s on them.

For a larger view click on the image.

That’s right, #hashtagdiplomacy has a proud history in America and it gets results. For example, this picture of General MacArthur looking concerned after being ordered to leave the Philippines was crucial in pushing the Japanese out of their conquered Pacific territories.

In fact, Emperor Hirohito later said that he was so moved by the picture he couldn’t bear to allow Hideki Tojo to prosecute a war against a people who showed such sensitivity and caring.

“This hashtag sign plus the deployment of two colorful awareness ribbons in August of 1945 convinced me it was time not only to surrender, but to publicly deny my divinity,” said the former emperor in an interview in 1988.

There you have it, comrades, history is on our side.

They ridiculed Reagan for SDI and “Tear down this wall,” and today the same forces opposed to progress ridicule Dear Leader and the State Department. They were wrong about Reagan and history will prove they’re wrong about #hashtagdiplomacy.

Chins up, comrades, and keep a cheery outlook knowing that Dear First Lady will be vindicated!

Texas Gun Store Marquee – ” I Like My Guns Like Obama Likes His Voters – Undocumented “

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A gun store outside of Houston, Texas went for some shock and awe with its front marquee this week, at the expense of its characterization of President Barack Obama’s electoral demographic. The sign out front of Katy, TX’s Tactical Firearms reads, “I like my guns like Obama likes his voters: undocumented.” Tactical Firearms changes its sign every week, and the one-liners usually come from the staff. According to the owner, this week’s sign is reference to the fact that Texas does not require firearm registration. “Thank god for our First and Second Amendment rights,” he said in a statement to local news agencies. “It’s meant as a joke. It’s meant to be funny.”

[youtube]http://youtu.be/jbotP1QCuwE[/youtube]

This is not Tactical Firearms‘ first foray into the politics of gun control. Last fall the shop hosted a debate among then-CNN host Piers Morgan, Ted Nugent, Texas Attorney General Greg Abbott, and State Senator Dan Patrick.

Son of Martian running for President of the United States

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Marco Cruz, a Martian, landed in the U.S. in 1970, met a woman named Stanley and she gave birth to a son they named Marco Cruz II in 1971.

Father Marco didn’t stay long in the states and returned to his native tribal area on Mars only to return briefly once years later.

Qualifying for affirmative action young Marco wasted no time in attending the finest universities in the country on the taxpayers dime and immediately upon graduation jumped into the political world seeing that as a honeypot for amassing great wealth.

Marco said what ever was necessary to get elected telling young inexperienced voters he promised them “Out of this world” stuff if elected which always got great applause.

Today Marco is a U.S. Senator and has his eye on becoming President which is the largest honeypot in the political world.

Fearing he would not qualify as a Natural Born Citizen which he was taught required a child to born to parents who are both citizens at the time of birth as a requirement to be president, Marco met with Jack Maskell, the Legislative Attorney of the Congressional Research Service who gave Congress cover for the current President Obama whose father was not a U.S. citizen.

Maskell assured Marco he would write the same type of nonsensical report politicians never bother to read giving him cover as a Natural Born Citizen even though only his mother is a citizen.

He said “I gave Obama cover and no one has impeached him yet for not being a Natural Born Citizen and his father never was a citizen. I provided the same for Ted Cruz and his father was not Naturalized until 2005. I can do the same for you and I’m sure you will be an out of this world president!”