In a devastating counter-punch to all deniers and non-believers, North Korea’s supreme leader Kim Jong Un has won an unparalleled victory today, being re-elected with 100% votes and 100% turnout, which gives him an undisputed mandate to fundamentally transform his country into an even more democratic people’s republic.

In the United States, the Democratic Party leadership, its party organs, and the Obama-voting precincts all around America are congratulating North Korea today on achieving the same results as they did in 2012 presidential election of Dear Leader with 100% vote and 100% turnout, accompanied by assurances of international solidarity of all voters worldwide.

According to USA Today, “Voters in the election have no choice who to vote for – there is only one candidate’s name on the ballot for each district. Instead, they have the choice of voting yes or no, and according to official accounts virtually all choose yes. North Korea also typically puts turnout nationwide at over 99%.”

This finally clarifies what the phrase “We are the 99%” really means. But that was last year. Today, being 99% is no longer an option – we must eliminate the remaining 1% and become the 100% – like in North Korea!

It is mandatory for all comrades to celebrate today’s glorious victory by ordering our commemorative T-shirts and other merchandise, which will empower you to express your solidarity with North Korean voters, as well as your commitment to progress and contempt for deniers.

Click on the images to go to the store!

Vladimir Putin, tired of being labeled as a “bully” by media left and right, held a press conference in the Kremlin earlier today, offering a completely new angle to his case for the seizure of the Crimean Peninsula and the possible invasion of Ukraine: the presence of a Tea Party element at the Maidan in Kiev.

“The Ukrainian nationalists have historically been a grave threat to peace in Eastern Europe, indeed, the whole planet and possibly the solar system,” the Russian President said through an interpreter. “They were likened to Nazis by the previous Soviet government, which was universally esteemed by American media as true, unbiased, and factual,” Vladimir Putin paused to wipe away sentimental tear. “Remember Pravda’s motto? ‘We report, you agree.’ I make little funny there,” the Russian President smiled as chuckles rippled through the room.

“However,” Putin proceeded gravely, “according to new information from reliable sources, this so called ‘independence’ movement in Ukraine has been taken over not only by Jews and Neo-Nazis, but TEA Party members as well.”

“Here is picture of hundreds of activists waving Gadsden flags and other totalitarian symbols of oppression in Maidan Square,” said the Russian President to an audible gasp of horror from the Western journalists. “Believe it or not, they are shouting for lower taxes and limited government.”

As one reporter for NPR began mumbling, “I knew it, I knew it,” an ABC correspondent fainted in her chair. The presser was briefly paused to allow medical personnel to carry a trembling New York Times journalist from the room.

U.S. Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid immediately seized on the news: “We must no longer punish our Russian brothers who have joined us in this most noble cause,” he whispered passionately from the Senate floor. “I hope my Republican colleagues will join me in granting Russia with most favored nation status and access to any military technology we might not have already passed on to them.”

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, who was nodding in agreement behind Reid, took the microphone next. “World peace is threatened by dangerous radicals. They may be supported by the likes of Senator Ted Cruz, but certainly not by the reasonable, true conservatives in the Republican Party. We stand with Putin,” McConnell finished and turned away to be warmly embraced by Senator Reid.

President Obama immediately countered Putin’s press conference with a statement of his own.

“This new information changes everything,” Obama said from the Oval Office. “In the past, I had threatened to release another picture of me posing decisively with a telephone if Putin continued to escalate the situation, but I have directed the photographer to wait indefinitely. Instead, by my direction, we are sending a carrier task force to the Black Sea to assist the Russian military in their mission, and in addition, three divisions of crack IRS auditors.”

In an interview on MSNBC, Hillary Clinton hotly denied comparing Putin to Hitler.

“I never made any such comparison, directly or indirectly,” said the former Secretary of State. “It should be abundantly clear to anybody who was paying close attention that I was talking about Rush Limbaugh.”

Meanwhile, the New York Times, ABC, NBC, CBS, CNN, NPR, and Martha Stewart Living have all issued lengthy retractions and apologies for referring to Vladimir Putin as a bully.

Speaking of the media’s latest view of President Putin, Chris Mathews of MSNBC admitted, “It’s weird, I just can’t stop looking at his shirtless pictures.”

THE PROGRESSIVE’S 8-STEP GUIDE TO FOREIGN POLICY VIA STRONG DIPLOMACY:

1. Announce that the country’s behavior is unacceptable.

2. Should they continue behaving unacceptably, we tell them that their unacceptable behavior cannot be allowed to continue.

3. Should the unacceptable behavior continue anyway, then we tell them that we really mean what we said.

4. If they’re still behaving unacceptably, then we remind them that we really, REALLY do mean what we said, and that we’re not just saying that.

5. Should this result in only more unacceptable behavior, we tell them that this time, we’re serious.

6. If that doesn’t work (and it usually doesn’t, but we Progs pride ourselves on retaining faith in the inherent goodness of our fellow man and our own ability to make others see reason), then we inform them that we may have to consider scheduling an appointment to go to Geneva, where we will meet with fellow peace-loving Progs to discuss the possibility of approaching the U.N. with a request for permission to advise the offending country that we may have to impose sanctions.

7. If that doesn’t work, then with the help of our minions in the news media, we distract the masses from what’s going on with cute photo-ops like the creation of yet another White House initiative like My Brother’s Keeper, and speeches by the First Lady on the crisis of too many moms clogging the grocery aisles as they furrow their brows over nutrition labels and agonize over whether a product has too much or too little riboflavin.

8. If, by this time, the offending country’s unacceptable behavior has spread and can no longer be contained, go back to Step 1 and start over, and have faith that this time, we’ll get different results.

Russia capitulates, annexes itself to Greater Ukraine

C. Blogunov is in Sochi, Russian Federation, reporting for the People’s Cube, ensuring all sports receive equal coverage, and indulging in bad sports puns. Today we interview Betty-Mae Ferguson, daughter of Olympic legend Lamar Ferguson. In today’s extraordinary events, she made history by winning gold for the United States for the first time in the women’s biathlon 7.5 kilometer sprint, as well as breaking up what turned out to be an ill-timed terror attack when Chechen rebels opened fire on the venue.

Blogunov: Betty-Mae, let me congratulate on your gold medal and on stopping a terrorist attack by Chechen rebels when they opened fire on the competitors in your event.

Betty-Mae: Oh, yeah. Let me tell yew, I never been so mad in all my life as when I was gettin’ ready to hit five for five, and just then they started shootin’ all over the place. One of ’em had a RPK, just like Daddy uses fer dear huntin’, and he hit the stock on my rifle and messed up my fourth shot! I didn’t practice fer six years just to lose to somethin’ like that, and I had one round left in the magazine, and there was no question in my mind where it was goin’. Now he had the firepower, that’s fer sure, so I knew I had to make it count. Anyway, I took him out, and serve him right, too.

Blogunov: There’s another good shot in your family as I understand.

Betty-Mae: You mean my brother, Claude. Yeah, he’s an Army sniper. He even held the record for the longest kill in Afghanistan for a little while. We been shootin’ since we was kids.

Blogunov: But back to the story of today. What happened after you killed the man with the RPK?

Betty-Mae: Well, then I seen another man with a grenade launcher, like the one Daddy goes fishin’ with, so I changed magazines right quick and he went down next.

Blogunov: At that point, it seems from the video footage that everything changed and it really started going badly for the terrorists. Tell us about that.

Betty-Mae: I’ll never fergit it – long as I live. Them Chechens was all confused when all of a sudden up stands Olga Vilukhina wavin’ her rifle over her head, and shoutin’, “Rodina!” and something that sounded like, “Attack!” Then right next to me, Tora Berger’s up on her skis ‘n’ starts screamin’, “Til Valhall! Til Valhall!” Well, I tell yew what, I was pumped. I was up and shrieking a Rebel yell that ain’t been heard from a Ferguson since Chancellorsville. We was all on our skis ’cause we wasn’t lettin’ none of ’em git away.

Blogunov: And none survived. Now you and your father are known for coolness under pressure, but some observers say you appeared a little unhinged.

Betty-Mae: (blushing slightly) Well, we was all madder ‘n’ wet hens, let me tell yew. But, uh, I don’t like to mention nothin’ too intimate, but this time of the month is usually a bad time for me, anyway. I reckon that’ why I scalped two of ’em.

Blogunov: And then what happened after the attack had been defeated?

Betty-Mae: Hey, we was there to win, and all us been trainin’ forever for this event, so we went back to it. I reckon we all woulda had better times, but we was interrupted like you know.

Blogunov: Well, you finished the course and came in first getting gold for America for the first time in the Women’s Biathlon.

Betty-Mae: Well, God’s good and it was sech a blessin’ to win fer my country.

Blogunov: I understand two presidents called you.

Betty-Mae: Oh, yeah, our president called to congratulate me fer comin’ outta the closet with my domestic partner or some such thang. I told him he musta been thinkin’ ’bout someone else, and he hung up on me. But ol’ Mr. Putin, now that’s a diff’rent story. He invited me ‘n’ Daddy ‘n’ Mamma ‘n’ Claude on a tour of Russia, and git this, he’s gonna show us some o’ his bear wrasslin’ moves!

Blogunov: Well, you’ve certainly earned the gratitude of both nations. Your country, and I’m sure your family, are all very proud of you.

Betty-Mae Ferguson: Daddy sent me a text. Said he was holdin’ back tears o’ pride. It was real sweet o’ him.

Blogunov: Olympic blood seems to run in your family. What was it like growing up with your father who is himself an Olympic champion, who took gold twice in the Men’s quarter acre lawn mowing event in Beijing, and then again in London before retiring?

Betty-Mae: Daddy was always real modest about it, but he sure did work hard. He was doin’ yard work four hours a day, ‘cept Sundays. He was always up early workin’ out and gettin’ in shape and all. We did miss him when he was away in Athens, or Beijing, or London, but we and the rest o’ the trailer park was always so proud to see him up thar on that medal platform.

Blogunov: There was another influence. I understand his rival on the field and personal friend, Mr. Rodriguez, was often a guest in the Ferguson home.

Betty-Mae: Oh, you mean Uncle Pedro! We just love him. Him and Daddy was always talkin’ ’bout the games, and Uncle Pedro done real good when he coached the Mexican Men’s Synchronized Landscaping team to victory in London. That’s where Daddy got his last gold medal ‘fore retirin’. Anyway, I was just thrilled hearin’ ’em goin’ on about the games, and I started dreamin’ that maybe I could do somethin’ like that, too. Daddy and Momma was always encouragin’ me, and I trained real hard. We all was so happy when I qualified fer the Olympic team.

Blogunov: He also generated some controversy in London when he came out and announced that he and your mother were straight.

Betty-Mae: I remember that. Daddy didn’t mean to make nothin’ about that; it’s just who he is and what he believes.

Blogunov: We wish you well in your future, and we’ve all had “Sochi” good time watching you.

Betty-Mae: Aw, that’s a good ‘un! Thank yew, so much.