Tag Archive for: satire

We’re funnier and redder than The Boston Globe, Rush Limbaugh approves!

Rush Limbaugh described our Boston Globe parody this morning, making it the first item on his show. In addition, he posted a transcript with a link to this page and with this photo shop of him standing in front of our graphic. This calls for a celebration tonight behind Tractor Barn #2. Free beets for everybody!

Rush also said this (a screenshot):


The image he described as “this great parody” is below (it was originally posted in the comments).

This is the second time Rush praises our work. Read about the first time here.

And now back to the original thread as it developed:

Boston Globe Plays The Onion Offers Fake Sunday Front Page Mocking President Trump from: NewsBusters
I think we can do better! Here is a template to add your personalized Boston Globe cover story headline. Have fun!
My feeble attempt…

OfflineHammer and Loupe notes, “Is not the Boston Globe’s owner, John W. Henry, also the owner of Liverpool Futbol team, Red Socks, and a NASCAR team? Would that make him a capitalist pig?”

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire, which has now gone mainstream, originally appeared on The Peoples Cube.

Top 15 things that didn’t happen in 2015

It has become a People’s Cube tradition that in the last days of the outgoing year we post a list of things that didn’t happen that year, a list of things that won’t happen in the coming year, and sometimes a list of things that will, indeed, happen.See our lists for the years of 20122013, and 2015.

Once again, special thanks to the most equal contributions from Will Beria, our Official Listmaster of Things that Didn’t Happen and Will Not Happen.

Top 15 things that didn’t happen in 2015:

  1. Santa Claus converts to Islam. “He’s keeping a list,” non-believers warned
  2. 12 year-old Tibetian self-identifies as 40 year-old American; enters Democratic presidential primaries
  3. Experts agree: agreeing to disagree is disagreeable to experts
  4. Psychiatrist recovers repressed national memory hole: “Jam-packed with campaign promises, doomsday predictions, New Year resolutions”
  5. Fed misses inflation target, shoots employment instead
  6. Cuba nationalizes sunlight, tourists charged for suntans
  7. Dictionary News: “government” replaced with “do-together-ment,” “after-tax income” becomes “allowance”
  8. Mime caught stealing air guitar serves 30 days in imaginary box
  9. Rat race ends in dead heat; sheeple chase begins
  10. High court rules college speech codes “double-plus-good,” dissenting opinion withheld
  11. “Zombie” decried as insulting to the undead: correct term is “the nearly departed”
  12. NASA adjusts records to show first man on moon was Bruce Jenner. Also named “first woman on moon”
  13. NEA takes over NCAA, awards 7,862 Heisman trophies
  14. Fed severs US dollar tie to reality; gold no longer worth its weight in gold
  15. UN Court of Cultural Appropriation: Africa wins “first human walking upright” case; Europeans ordered to live on knees.

top 15 things that didnt happen in 2015 peoples cube

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column originally appeared in The Peoples Cube.

Snopes during White House visit produces Barack Obama’s genuine birth certificate

Snopes.com, which brands itself as “the definitive Internet reference source for urban legends, folklore, myths, rumors, and misinformation,” has recently made a claim that any stories about its alleged ties to the White House, as well as to Democratic activist groups and donors, are nothing more than “urban legends, folklore, myths, rumors, and misinformation.”

Snopes.com representatives, hereinafter referred to as SNOPES, made this statement at a recent meeting with Democratic activist groups and donors that happened at the White House.

SNOPES further promised to up their game debunking anything “fishy” anyone says about Obama, his administration, the Democratic activist groups and donors, or their proxies, as well as about their alleged ties with SNOPES.

SNOPES supported their statement with a substantial list of news stories and rumors they had discredited without any joint effort or coordination with Democratic organizations, which should serve as definitive proof of the Internet company’s uncoordinated, disjointed, and disorganized position on political issues.

In one example, SNOPES had proven without a shadow of a doubt that when a young Barack Obama registered at Columbia as a foreign student, it didn’t mean that he was a foreigner, or a student, or Barack Obama. Being registering at Columbia as “Barack” didn’t mean he was registered as “Barry Soetoro,” or anyone else impersonating anyone else, and that a man who was born in Nairobi wasn’t also simultaneously born in Honolulu and Jakarta; it should appear reasonable that a man with audacity can be born in several places at any one time, or “reborn,” or beamed to Earth from the dreams of his father, or someone else’s father – an explanation that should have satisfied anyone not totally deranged.

SNOPES had also clarified the confusion over the social security card issued to young Barry in Connecticut, a state that only gives such cards to those who were born and lived there. According to SNOPES, the fact that young Obama never visited Connecticut didn’t mean that he was the John Smith who had the same social security number and who had died decades before Barry was born, as clearly evidenced by the undeniable fact that the deceased had never filed a complaint of identity theft, nor had there been any record of a police report filed against Barry Soetoro in 1922. Furthermore, a dead man in one state having the very same number as one living in another didn’t mean that that Barack Obama’s younger self was not born ever, or that he never lived somewhere, which proves, ipso facto, that Barack Obama was indeed born and lived somewhere sometime.

Proving the skeptics wrong, SNOPES further produced Barack Obama’s genuine birth certificate printed from a real PDF file with five certified and notarized digital layers, which they copied from the Daily Kos website and reproduced on a vintage Hewlett-Packard inkjet printer using authentic 1961 HP ink cartridges. That the certificate contained a computer font from Microsoft Word was later explained in a signed statement from Bill Gates, assuring SNOPES readers that Windows operating system existed prior to Obama’s birth, as further evidenced by the 1954 movie Rear Window, directed by Alfred Hitchcock and starring James Stewart with Grace Kelly.

The SNOPES statement was followed by a short Q&A, during which former broadcast professional, Dan Rather, insisted that Obama’s four known birth certificates, as well as his multiple social security numbers and his sealed student records at Columbia contained proof that George. W. Bush was in Kenya during the Mau Mau uprising and could not have landed on the moon at the same time to meet with Dick Cheney, who was an extraterrestrial organizing the hobbits to assassinate JFK as Oliver Stone had claimed.

Before leaving the room, SNOPES took a moment to wipe off their fingerprints from the microphone and the podium, as well as to thoroughly debunk the allegation that they had ever been in that room, or ever met with the White House team, or contributed money to Barack Obama’s campaigns of 2007 and 2011 respectively – a statement that the White House immediately confirmed, adding, “but it wasn’t enough.”

EDITORS NOTE: A special thanks to Komrade Kommissar General Vassily Ilyich Chernobylski for major contributions to this reporting. This political satire column originally appeared on The Peoples Cube.

VIDEO: A ‘Social Justice’ Beginner’s Guide on Microaggression and White Privilege!

Microaggression theory can be tricky for the uninformed. We’re here to help!

More at www.LouderWithCrowder.com! Crowder thanks to Audible for supporting me! Get a free audio-book at http://www.audible.com/crowder today!

Microaggression theory can be tricky for the uninformed. We’re here to help!

Follow Crowder on Twitter: https://twitter.com/scrowder
Like Crowder on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/stevencrowde
Follow Crowder on Vine: https://vine.co/u/1136892885917368320

EDITORS NOTE: This video is political satire about the social absurdities that have become public policy.

Busted: Hillary emails Expose Vast International Crime Ring

Though months have passed since the Congressional Committee on Benghazi has subpoenaed Hillary Clinton’s personal email servers, only to discover that they had been wiped clean, a team of national top experts in retrieving deleted digital information has now been able to restore much of the lost data, which, in addition to the evidence on Benghazi, resulted in other unexpected discoveries.

One gruesome find was an extremely disturbing email exchange between Mrs. Clinton and one Doctor Klopek, which prompted an independent criminal investigation leading to a discovery of a vast international crime ring.

According to the correspondence which she thought had been erased, Mrs. Clinton used her position as Secretary of State to bypass the ban on embryonic stem cell procedures and conspired with black market operators to undergo secret bi-annual facelifts using illegal injections of embryonic stem cells extracted from human fetuses in the nation’s abortion clinics.

Described as “Pluripotential Botox,” the cosmetic procedure of injecting embryonic stem cells directly into sagging and wrinkling skin of aging adults was believed to be a theoretical concept, but the recovered emails indicate that Mrs. Clinton has already been receiving it in an underground clinic for the past 19 years.

An embryo’s regenerative ability gives the stem cells remarkable anti-aging properties, producing a tighter and thicker skin within a week after injection. This gives the recipients a more natural -looking face than what can be achieved with traditional Botox treatments. The ethical aspects of using human embryos for medical purposes, however, remain a heavily debated subject, let alone dissecting human fetuses for vanity cosmetic projects.

The resulting federal ban on the use of embryonic stem cells has pushed the procedure into the black markets, driving the price of an injection to astronomical numbers. Mrs. Clinton’s correspondence indicates that she initially contacted Dr. Klopek through a high-end black market dealer with ties to some of the world’s most dangerous criminal organizations.

According to Mrs. Clinton’s emails, about a year ago her prospects of running for President required a change of protocol and visits to the underground clinic were no longer an option. For an additional fee, which raised the price tag for a visit to $160,000, Dr. Klopek would come to the Clinton’s Chappaquiddick compound and inject her forehead, lips, cheeks, eyes, and neck with the embryonic stem cells he had extracted from human fetuses in certain New York City abortion clinics. With every visit he would also resupply Mrs. Clinton with a 9 oz. jar of lotion made of fetus matter and laced with embryonic stem cells, which she would smear on her face twice daily at a cost of $80,000 per jar.

The resulting criminal investigation has led to an arrest warrant for Dr. Klopek. A source familiar with the investigation confirmed that Klopek has fled the country after receiving an email from Mrs. Clinton, warning him about the possibility that their arrangement of nearly two decades might be discovered.

Confronted with new information recovered from the Clinton’s email servers, House Speaker and member of the Benghazi Committee, John Boehner (R-OH), called the findings “nightmarish” and “blood-curdling,” adding that “this sounds like something straight out of Grimm’s fairy tales.”

EDITORS NOTE: This column is political satire. It originally appeared on The Peoples Cube.

Chinese Troops to help Guard Gold Vaults inside Fort Knox

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In an early morning press conference with handpicked MSNBC reporters, President Obama privately announced reaching a deal between the U.S. and the People’s Republic of China, which will allow the Chinese Special Operations, an elite military unit, to guard the interior vaults containing the gold in Fort Knox, the U.S. bullion depository.

“We as a nation owe China a whole lot of money,” stated the President, “and I’m glad we finally found an amicable way to resolve issues with Chinese leaders who no longer trust us with our money. Placing our gold reserve under Chinese supervision will benefit both our nations and I’m confident it will flower into a beautiful friendship, let alone improve our financial well-being.”

The deal was finalized shortly after 3:00 a.m. EST (3:00 p.m. Beijing time) because the Chinese President, Xi Jingping, refused to talk to Mr. Obama outside of his usual business hours.

President Obama dismissed as unfounded any rumors that the odd timing may have been an attempt to belittle America’s leader by making him stay up all night just so he can have Xi Jingping’s ear. “Such speculations serve no other purpose than to undermine our national security and to weaken our resolve,” said the U.S. President.

Fort Knox has the reputation of being the world’s most secure vault; it is guarded by the U.S. First Armored Division, as well as by a nearby Air Force base. In addition to being the depository for the gold belonging to the United States, Fort Knox has also been a symbol of America’s strength and impenetrability.

The changing of the guard will be marked with a private military ceremony as the People’s Republic of China will hoist its flag alongside the U.S. flag over Fort Knox for the first time during the sunrise of June 6th 2015. U.S. Forces will continue to guard the exterior of the building for cosmetic purposes only, as they will not be permitted inside the depository itself.

Concerned citizens need not worry about Chinese soldiers parading around the local area because the agreement will not allow China any liberties on U.S. soil until after Barack Obama leaves office, which includes building a small military base by China in an undisclosed U.S. location by the year 2020. Even then China was placed under harsh restrictions with regards to choosing a name for their base; after exhausting hours of negotiations it was decided to name it symbolically after the current U.S. President, Barack Obama.

A formal presidential announcement is expected shortly after the Chinese soldiers have gained complete control of the internal structure of Fort Knox. No other details have been given to the public.

Beijing seems to share President Obama’s optimistic assessment of the Fort Knox deal. The Chinese government newspaper, The People’s Daily, gave the new agreement a largely positive review, calling it “a great victory in the glorious people’s struggle against imperialist America – one of many to come.”

EDITORS NOTE: This column originally appeared on The Peoples Cube.

Saturday Night Live skit depicts fear of drawing Muhammad

It’s funny, yes, but it isn’t really a parody or a lampoon at all. Most people today would be terrified to draw Muhammad, even for a million dollars. The aftermath of the jihad attack at our cartoon exhibit has shown the world that violent intimidation and threats work.


6 Reasons Pamela Geller’s Muhammad Cartoon Contest Is No Different From Selma

Texas cartoon jihadi “would never waver from the teachings he picked up in the mosque”

VIDEO: Al-Aqsa Retirement Plan (AARP) Commercial

Impending cuts in your social security benefits? Can’t afford erectile dysfunction medicine, Cadillac payments, lottery tickets, trips to Vegas, expanded cable service, gifts to grand kids, and veterinary care for your two dogs and five cats?

Sign up for Al-Aqsa Retirement Plan! Yours shall be an abode with a dome of pearls, aquamarine, and ruby, with 80,000 servants and 72 virgin wives. Can your American social security give you such an abode? Nonsense! You shall be attended by boys graced with eternal youth, looking like sprinkled pearls. And your family shall get 25,000 dollars upon signing.

All you have to do is strap yourself to a comfortable explosive device designed by our experienced professionals, and greet a crowd of infidels in the streets!

Do not reveal your connection to Al-Aqsa Brigades, Hamas, and their associates. We will deny everything. Do not consult your attorney, accountant, or law enforcement. Act normally. Explosives provided by a third party. Results may vary.

EDITORS NOTE: This video originally appeared on The Peoples Cube.

Rules of Logic, Reason and Debate for Radicals

Comrades! Perhaps all of us, while debating the enemy, have been subjected to accusations of logical fallacies. Ignore such accusations. The non-concept of “logical fallacy” is a tool of capitalist propaganda, designed to expose us to a retrograde pre-twenty-first century mindset, which may cause the weakest of us to question their allegiance to Progress. But that is the enemy’s mindset; it no longer applies to the new era. Progress calls us to destroy the straightjacket of linear thinking.

There are no absolutes. The outdated scientific methods of hard logic and cold reason have now been replaced with soft logic and cozy reason, especially when dealing in political science.

Here are the Rules of Logic, Reason and Debate for Radicals for the 21st century. Learn them, know them, use them. You have nothing to lose but your logical chains.

Radical Political Science Terms

Seductive Logic – If the parts of the premise are true, or true enough, the conclusion is proved.

Premise: Hitler would hate President Obama and have him liquidated. Tea Partiers hate big government.
Conclusion: Tea Partiers are Fascists plotting a coup against President Obama.

As you can see, statement one is true, as is statement two. So the conclusion, statement three, is proven.

Preductive Logic – If the conclusion is true, the premises are proven.

Conclusion: Stimulus hasn’t worked.
Premise: George Bush’s economic policies were stupid. George Bush is to blame for everything.

Similar to seductive logic, as statement one is true, statements two and three are proven.

Unductive Logic – If the evidence doesn’t support the conclusion, the evidence is in error.

Conclusion: Man-made CO2 causes global warming.
Evidence: From 1950 to 1975 temperatures fell as man-made CO2 increased. therefore, the temperature data must be wrong and altered accordingly.

This one is particularly useful as it makes disproving any assertion on your part impossible. Contrary evidence is simply wrong and those using it are liars, deniers, and anti-reality based imbeciles.

Primary Reason – Something is true when you have the right reason, or motives, to believe it, not the right reasoning. In other words, if it just feels right, that is reason enough. (Though evidence is unnecessary, if desired such can be obtained with the rules of logic above. i.e, can be fabricated.)

Secondary Reason – When those who share your Primary Reason agree with your assertion, it is therefore well-reasoned. Which in turn makes those who agree with you reasonable individuals, and those who disagree intolerant imbeciles.

Radical Political Science Tactics

Any statement prefaced with “obviously,” “no doubt,” or “everyone knows” is accepted as proven. Nothing more need be said nor evidence produced. No doubt everyone knows this is obviously true.

Exclamation marks and all caps add weight of truth to any statement. This simple method is ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY TRUE!!!!

Should your adversary press on despite these logically reasoned assertions, any of the following will put an end to him and thus his argument.

Method one: Call them stupid. This is almost fool-proof because there is no good defense. How do they show otherwise? Recite the times tables, name the state capitals, produce Mensa membership cards? After all, they don’t agree with you or believe what you do, therefore, ipso facto, QED, they must be stupid.

This method has worked for years. Think of Reagan, Quayle, Bush, Palin.

Method two: Call them racist. This is just as effective and is also virtually impossible to defend. How can they prove they’re not? If they aren’t racist there will only be an absence of evidence that they are. Let them try to produce the absence of evidence. They can’t do it. Therefore, ipso facto, QED, they must be racist.

This method has worked for years. Think of… everyone but us.

Method three: Call them heartless, evil, intolerant, bigoted… Are you beginning to get the idea? Call them anything you like, no need to provide any evidence. Yet it still puts them on the spot, requiring them to prove a negative, which is impossible. Once a label sticks they’re defenseless.

After this is done, you can defeat any assertion or proposal they make no matter how well-argued or thought-out on their part. After all, why should anyone listen to a stupid and heartless racist bigot?

Against socialized medicine? Heartless! Against Cap and trade? Stupid!! Against President Obama’s multi-trillion dollar stimulus? RACIST!!! You win EVERY TIME. And the more exclamation marks the better!!!!!

You might think these simple rules are a little too simple, or too simplistic, or too simple-minded even, but they work. After all, look who occupies the White House or owns the media, academia, and entertainment establishments.

EDITORS NOTE: This column originally appeared in The Peoples Cube.

What Are You Willing to Give Up for Earth Day?

Comrades, Earth Day™ is just around the corner. We’re not talking about Christmas or Easter or Yom Kippur, we’re talking about Lenin’s Birthday!Now some outdated, religious traditions include themes of guilt and forgiveness. You know the routine. We are guilty before God and justly deserving of His punishment, but He lays our sins on His Son, Jesus Christ, and that by believing in Him we can find forgiveness of sin and eternal life. But that’s so two millennia ago.

On the other hand, Earth Day (Lenin’s Birthday!) is so progressive that it offers guilt and more guilt! See, in this advanced, highly evolved, and inclusive belief system, you are guilty before Gaia for exhaling and destroying her atmosphere, turning it into an “open sewer” to quote the Prophet Algore (PBUH). Now with Gaia, there’s none of this nonsense about atonement, justification, or propitiation. Those are big words and too hard for you to understand. You’re guilty because you might drive an SUV, consume food, once used electricity, or maybe you’re just plain white. You may have accessed healthcare to prolong your selfish, resource sucking life, and that means some poor minority child or kitten was denied healthcare – just because of you.

Forgiveness? Are you serious? When it comes to the Green Gospel, there’s only one solution, and that’s extermination. If it wasn’t for man, Bambi’s mother would be alive today instead of having her head mounted over some redneck’s fireplace desecrated with a bandanna and non-union manufactured sunglasses. We need a plan for sustainability. That’s a big word, but what it means is that we get to decide who’s a burden to Earth Mother, and who isn’t.

So who’s guilty, you ask? Probably you. Why do you think you dig holes in the ground on Earth Day? One happy day, perhaps Next Tuesday™, our government will be empowered to recycle its non-productive, Earth exploiting citizens. It’s called giving back, and it’s the only way you can redeem yourself. If we don’t take action now, all the furry animals will be dead in just ten years.

But until Next Tuesday comes along, you need to do your part. You need to confess your guilt. You need to give back. So in the days leading up to Earth Day, you need to tearfully, publicly, and loudly proclaim your sins against Gaia. You need to publish your shame by wearing awareness ribbons and riding a bicycle. In so doing, you induce feelings of necessary guilt in others, and you get a smug sense of self-righteous satisfaction because you care more. What’s not to like?

So come on, comrades, what are you willing to confess and give up in the days left before Earth Day?

EDITORS NOTE: This column originally appeared on The Peoples Cube.

Grand Opening: AirEbola Airlines


Have you ever wanted to see what it feels like to have your body consumed by Ebola? 

Have you ever wanted to fly right to the source of a disease outbreak, so you can suffer alongside the Third World? 

Have you ever thought, “It’s not fair that I don’t have Ebola just because of my white privilege?”

If so, you’re in luck! Don’t wait another 21 days for Ebola to fully infect America. Fly to west Africa and pre-infect yourself, now!

Announcing the all-new AirEbola: Nonstop flights for Ebola tourists are available to Liberia, Guinea and Sierra Leone from multiple cities in America.

Any privileged white American can sacrifice themselves for the original sin of slavery by flying straight to the source of the outbreak.

Meander with the locals, hang out at the hospital, and get sneezed on by an Ebola victim. Once infected, you are free to fly back to America and bring the disease to your privileged white family. (Just don’t tell customs agents that you have a fever.)

AirEbola is not just the name of the airline: Ebola particles are actually floating through the air on the plane, deposited by previous Ebola tourists. You can quadruple your chances of becoming infected by flying our airline. No cleaning crews are hired by AirEbola, so the plane is extra dirty for your guilty pleasures.

Experience the sophisticated, bumper-sticker-quality insights while flying AirEbola:

– Celebrate Ebola equality!
– Ebola Without Borders: Support free and open spread of pestilence!
– Practice Ebola Tolerance: America’s Ebola is no better than anyone else’s!
– Ebola Amnesty: America should get Ebola too!
– Ebola for All: Now whites can also suffer!
– No Justice, No Cure! Ebola as slavery revenge!
– ☪☯∑Xi∫† with ∑ßΩL∆!

The cost of your flight to catch Ebola includes an extra fee for carbon offsets to negate the effect of global warming caused by your flight to Africa. Not only can you catch Ebola to avenge slavery, but you can support the global environment, all at once.

AirEbola promotes spread of the disease so more people can expire quickly. The existence of fewer people will result in fewer carbon emissions for the planet.

AirEbola is the official airline of the DNC. Vote Democrat to increase the spread of Ebola! Use the hashtag#Dems4Ebola to show your support!

Defeat ISIS in the comfort of your own home

A three-step political fantasy to protect Americans and help Islam finally to become a religion of peace.

President Obama’s White House statement on Aug. 28 was clear on two things: “ISIS must be defeated” and “we don’t have a strategy yet.”

With this in mind, let me offer a modest proposal that requires no military escalation, no additional defense spending, and no sacrifice of the American troops in the Middle East.

The president has already recognized the beheading of an American journalist as a terrorist attack on the United States and is said to be considering all options to protect Americans from the ISIS threat reaching the U.S. So let’s take him at his own word and propose that his list of “all options” should begin with (1) an end to political correctness and (2) a moratorium on pandering to immigrant groups in order to win elections for the Democrats.

Let’s call them Option One and Option Two. Like it or not, they must be in place before the president can even begin to think about protecting our borders and profiling terrorists at the airports in order to prevent any of the 3,000 members of ISIS who have U.S. or European passports from slipping into America, where they know they have an extensive and well-funded support base.

Which brings us to Option Three: extinguish their support base inside the U.S.

Limited airstrikes overseas have only limited benefits. Under the circumstances, it is similar to shooting at one tentacle of a global monster whose other tentacles have long ago worked their way into America and are recognized by the U.S. government as legitimate entities.

Terrorism in itself is never a goal, but rather a means in the arsenal of an entity whose other means include media, economic, cultural, and political manipulations that can bring down our society more effectively than terrorism alone.

It is this entity than needs to be killed, and here’s how the president can do it if he is really serious.

Let Obama continue praising Islam as a constitutionally protected religion of peace. At the same time he must outlaw Sharia, stripping this pseudo-religious practice of the First Amendment protection. The president must honestly and officially acknowledge that Sharia is, in fact, a hostile, supremacist political ideology of total domination in a purely physical, not spiritual realm.

Let me explain.

How would you like to live in a world ruled by an unelected dictator, where religious beliefs of one denomination are enforced by the state, while all other beliefs are either forbidden or subject to a heavy taxation. Women are decreed as inferior creatures by the government; they are barred from education and must cover themselves lest they invite legitimate harassment and rape by superior males. Charging interest on a loan is a crime and therefore no one gives loans, at least not openly. Music and alcohol are forbidden, but the penal code includes public amputation of arms and legs, as well as stoning to death.

It will be a world of total conformity where all thought is regimented by a few religious texts, which also regulate your daily activities, from nutrition to personal hygiene. The citizens’ highest duty is to impose their way of life on the outsiders, and the highest virtue is death in the name of these ideals. Questioning these rules is a crime and leaving the state religion means death.

What if you were promised that if you submit to such a political system, you will automatically obtain a superior “member” status with unlimited rights to dominate the inferior “non-members”? And if you were to agree, would you be able to describe your motives as purely spiritual and keep a straight face?

There is a big difference between religion (a system of faith and worship) and political ideology (a blueprint for a certain social order). Not knowing the difference is no excuse, and delusions of grandeur don’t make one the master of the universe.

In order to exercise their supremacy, the “believers” must first build a society based on the above blueprint, with an oppressive state to enforce their “right” to dominate others. This alone blows their religious cover and places their intentions into the realm of utopian political ideologues. Their inability to create a functioning civilization with a full set of the above rules has been a source of frustration, resentment, and violent outbursts throughout the centuries.

The latest attempts include the Taliban in Afghanistan, Boko Haram in Nigeria, and most recently the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria (ISIS) who, in spite of their “religious” name, are driven by a very earthly goal of forcing everyone, through mass murder and terror, to submit to their supremacy. In this, they enjoy a broad support of “true believers” worldwide, who flock to the Islamic State from all corners of the earth, hoping to get their piece of the pie in the Utopian totalitarian theocracy they call the Caliphate.

In this and other scenarios, Sharia has always served as a blueprint for a brutal supremacist theocracy. Given that the White House has rejected the word “Islamism” because it might give Islam a bad name, why not actually help Islam save face and declare all past bad behavior to be the result of Sharia?

Once dealing with Sharia as a hostile political ideology becomes fair game, this problem can finally get the treatment of the Ebola epidemic that it deserves. Like the Ebola virus, Sharia is lethal and is prone to deadly outbreaks – as seen in New York, London, Madrid, and thousands of other places around the world, taking hundreds of thousands of lives.

Just like Ebola requires careful quarantine, so does Sharia. Think of the Boston Marathon bombing as a Sharia outbreak. Think of the Fort Hood shooting as a Sharia outbreak. Once the culprit is known and isolated, it will only be a matter of time before all the hot spots are identified, quarantined, and extinguished.

Once the United States rids itself of the Sharia virus, others will follow, leaving fewer and fewer host bodies for Sharia to incubate and destroy.

In case anyone would rush to judgment and label this modest proposal “Islamophobic,” consider that the official separation of Islam-the-religion from Sharia-the-totalitarian-ideology would benefit the proverbial peaceful and law-abiding Muslims in more ways than pandering to Islamic radicals ever could. With Sharia out of the way, Islam can finally have a chance to become a religion of peace in real life and not only in the speeches of double-speaking clerics and politicians.

The Democrats are known for their amazing skills to turn crises into opportunities. The ISIS crisis may not have been intentional, but here’s a real opportunity to not let it go to waste – without leaving the comfort of the Oval Office or a golf course as the case may be.

Let’s face it: a Republican president would never be able to do any of this effectively, lacking the support of the media and the cultural establishment. President Obama, on the other hand, is the darling of the media, academia, and the arts, which makes him uniquely positioned to employ these options and save the world from the threat of Islamic terrorism once and for all.

If Obama really meant what he said about considering all options, he should be using his phone and his pen right now.

RELATED ARTICLE: A Who’s Who of the Good Guys and Bad Guys in the New Jihad

Ukraine topples Lenin statues, meets quota ahead of schedule

Despite severe weather conditions, the plan to topple Lenin statues in Ukraine has been successfully completed this month, ahead of schedule. The government of the former Soviet republic is happy to report that the quota of toppling monuments to Vladimir Lenin and other communist leaders has been met and in some places exceeded, with toppling of a number of unrelated statues in the process, as well as ransacking headquarters of the local Communist Party in Kiev.

Leninoval_280_3.jpgAlthough many critics warned that the goal was unrealistic, irrational, and even mathematically impossible, the toppling of statues of the creator of the world’s largest planned economy still went ahead as scheduled, paced over the course of several Five-Year Plans, starting in 1991.

However, not everything went according to the Planning Committee’s projections. The first Five-Year Plan revealed a drastic shortage of ropes to pull the statues down, and of gasoline to power the moving machinery.

The second Five-Year Plan was plagued by continuously bad weather, consisting of five hot summers and as many cold winters, with uncharacteristically wet rains in between, presumably the result of climate change caused by a disproportional use of fossil fuels in the United States.

During the third Five-Year Plan all work was put on hold by the newly created Local 11 Statue Toppler Union.

The union leadership demanded an increase in wages and benefits in addition to a restraining order prohibiting all non-unionized persons from approaching any Lenin statue within a 200 foot radius.
The fourth Five-Year Plan was beleaguered by a nationwide strike and a media campaign on behalf of Local 12 Pigeon-Handlers Union, whose members feared permanent unemployment and demanded a fair treatment with guarantees of lifetime salaries and benefits should all Lenin statues be toppled and outsourced to Third World countries.

The number of Lenin statues in existence also appeared to have been grossly underestimated, factoring only statues with the iconic beard and omitting those representing the father of the socialist revolution in his teens or prepubescent years, prior to the development of Lenin’s facial hair follicles. Neither did the plan account for the number of Lenin’s busts, bas reliefs, and mosaics, as well as semi-professional carvings and drawings on the walls of public restrooms.

Lenin_Snowman2.jpgNo Lenin statues made of stone were ever toppled either, which was later blamed on the Planning Committee typist who mistook the word “stone” for “scone.” Amazingly, as many as twelve “scone” statues had been reported as processed and billed by government contractors.

A subsequent audit discovered instances where money was paid for the toppling of Lenin statues that never existed, or where the statues had been made on the spot out of snow or cardboard and then pulled by a bulldozer. In other cases funds were disbursed where no actual topplings occurred.

As a result, while the number of all reported topplings exceeded the initial projection, a visual observation by the auditors led them to conclude that nearly all Lenin statues still remained exactly where they had been placed by the erstwhile Soviet government.

At the time, Ukrainian president Viktor Yanukovich clarified the situation as follows: “More than twenty years of heroic and selfless struggle by our government to topple Lenin statues have exhausted the national budget and forced us to request a bailout from either the European Union or the neighboring Russia. Given that Moscow has more expertise than Brussels in toppling Lenin statues, we chose to side with a partner who better suits our historic needs.”

Leninoval_200_2.jpgIn the aftermath of certain events in Kiev earlier this year, the Ukrainian president modified his position, closely approaching that of the Russian president: “If you like your Lenin statues, you can keep your Lenin statues.”

In a final speech to the nation delivered from the steps of a charter plane Mr. Yanukovich stated: “Rather than burdening our economy with this pointless toppling, I should have followed the Russian model and granted myself exclusive powers to build more palatial mansions in every struggling region of the country. Now if you’ll excuse me, my baggage and I have a flight to catch.”

Leninoval_200_3.jpgInspired by the president’s farewell address, citizens of Ukraine enthusiastically poured into the streets, toppling Lenin statues completely free of charge, without troubling the overworked authorities and union contractors with requests to plan and coordinate their activities. After only several hours of work, volunteers around Ukraine were able to topple all of the remaining Lenin statues.

The next morning, as various government officials looked out their windows and didn’t see the familiar Lenin statues, they immediately knew that it was time to report a successful completion of the final Five-Year Plan, ahead of schedule and almost within the budget.

Obama ‘Sub Par’ Posters: True Counter-Culture in Action

According to Breitbart.com, dozens of posters of President Obama with a golf club and a caption “Sub Par” have been spotted outside the PGA’s golf tournament near the Riviera Country Club in Los Angeles, as well as near Pacific Palisades and Santa Monica, California, all of them upscale and liberal enclaves.

A quick web search discovered a number of other locations in LA with “Sub Par” posters pasted over signal boxes, hanging from the wires and lampposts on busy intersections, glued to park benches, and even attached as small stickers to the walls of public bathrooms. This bears all the marks of an anonymous guerilla street art action by local artists.

Photos of these posters, hangers, and stickers are beginning to appear on several websites, but this one is by far the most complete collection we could find. There is also a short YouTube video of a street cop making a comment about one of the hanging posters.


No one is claiming responsibility for this gutsy guerilla art project, and with a very good reason: in the heart of a Democrat-run city financed by Hollywood studios, any artist engaging in such “counter-progressive” activities would do well to remain anonymous.

In spite of the self-righteous promotion of tolerance and diversity by the “progressive” elites, they themselves tend to rule with a humorless iron fist of religious zealots, intolerant of any deviation from the dogma (unless the Party dogma transmogrifies; then you’re expected to transmogrify with it). And there’s hardly a deadlier sin in their bible than mocking a “progressive” deity, one of whom unquestionably is Barack Obama.

A Stalin-like intolerance of all dissent and religious worship of “progressive” icons is most rampant in such strongholds of progressivism as news media, academia, and especially the arts. An artist who refuses to conform and rebels against the “progressive” establishment gets immediately blacklisted, subjected to a witch hunt, shunned by his colleagues, and ultimately loses any chance of further employment in the industry.

Some of my artist friends among conservative bloggers are forced to withhold their real names so they can continue to feed their families. Losing anonymity for them would mean never to be able to find work in the arts again. The latest first-hand testimony of “progressive” Hollywood blacklisting can be found in a recent excellent essay by Andrew Klavan, a conservative filmmaker who urges conservatives to invest in alternative conservative arts because, as Breitbart liked to say, politics is downstream of culture.

While Klavan’s emphasis is on the eternal nature of the art telling us the truth about our human nature, some utilitarian subsets of the arts, such as the political poster, are not to be dismissed either. The left has gained great mileage with visual agitation and propaganda, which communist countries like the USSR had developed into a standalone art genre.

In the United States, political poster artists such as Shepherd Fairey, Robbie Conal, or Banksy absurdly made careers while promoting the leftist ideology through the arts — absurdly because their allegedly “counter-culture” and “anti-establishment” message was cheered on and often sponsored by the cultural establishment itself, which today is almost entirely made of formerly rebellious “anti-establishment” leftists.

The palpable irony of today’s historical moment is that the formerly cool, underground iconoclasts of the Left are now the oppressive, stodgy establishment. The tables have been turned by the invisible hand of historical necessity, but not in a revolution that Marxists had planned.

Today’s truly rebellious, free-thinking, edgy and cool, counter-culture anti-establishment movement is entirely on the right of the political spectrum. The Left may try to obfuscate this reality, attempting to paint the Right as agents of the oppressive state, but in the end the truth always wins. It happened everywhere the Left held the power, and it will happen in America, too.

But the truth needs our help. We need to spread this notion, especially among the young people: Right is cool. Liberty is cool. Independence is cool. If your young heart desires idealism and adventure, sabotage the oppressive leftist establishment! If you want to hang out with free thinkers and non-conformists, join the Tea Party!

Contrary to the old man Marx, not everything happens by historical necessity; there’s also the matter of free will. This is where the anti-Obama activist artists come in and seize the moment.

The prospect of the art world rebelling against the leftist establishment frightens the Left more than the Republican Party campaigning ever will.

A bunch of hip, younger artists amusing themselves by blasting leftist icons may start a trend that will turn out to be more consequential than all the costly election strategies devised by well-paid GOP consultants in Washington. Because, well, politics is downstream of culture.

If my instincts are correct, we will be seeing more provocative street art like this. Conservatives will do well to support it.

Help “Kickstart” World War III

There is a video going viral on the web titled, “Help Kickstart World War III”. This passionate and compassionate campaign video is produced by The Second City Network. President Obama needs your help starting World War III! Find out how you can help! This is not one of those “dumb” Republican wars, this is a truly “smart” progressive war. It will be run using iPads and Facebook.

War is the new normal and is a “moral obligation”.

Bomb Syria back to a real “sustainable nation” and also help prevent global warming caused by the release of sarin gas. Fewer Syrians means less CO2 emissions and an end to climate change in the Middle East. American bombs are environmentally approved by the EPA. Our tanks are union made in America, with Chinese parts. Our drones put out fewer pollutants that your Prius. We are a proud global partner in the UN’s International Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) “sustainable wars” initiative. Make war – save our planet!

Do your part today! The campaign needs just $1.6 trillion to get things going. To donate now – call 1-888-GOTO WAR or text 6969.

Please watch this compelling video and do your part to help “kickstart” WW III!

Don’t let Putin, the Russian bear, throw cold water on our “good” and “moral war” with Syria. Is it true Putin poops in the woods? Russia has no right to get in our collective progressive way to create a kindler and gentler Middle East void of all humans of Arab descent.

No going backwards we must move FORWARD!

EDITORS NOTE: This column is satire, or is it?