President Obama has signed an Executive Order (EO) banning the use of the word “bathroom.” Starting May 1st, 2016 all federal agencies and federal employees will now use the word “outhouse.”
In a press release the White House Office of the Press Secretary states:
President Obama is concerned that the transgender (i.e. gender confused) community will not be able to use bathrooms in states such as North Carolina. He has therefore in the name of inclusiveness required all federal agencies to use the word outhouse when referring to places where people relieve themselves.
Outhouse is gender neutral and best describes how the LGBT community has struggled to ‘come out.’
The president believes that this is an important issue for all Americans, more so than fighting the Islamic State, the economy, jobs and the growing national debt.
Speaking of the national debt, the President has put $75 million into his FY 2017 budget to replace men’s and women’s restroom signs with the new gender neutral outhouse signs in all federal facilities. It is expected that the Republican congress will pass the president’s budget, raising the debt ceiling to cover this expense.
When asked by this reporter what impact this EO will have on the White House, Press Secretary Josh Earnest replied:
“We will now be calling the White House the Out House, for obvious reasons.”
LGBT Spokesman, and former star of Star Trek, George Takei noted, “Those of us who have ‘come out’ fully embrace President Obama’s decision. As the first gay president, we find the work he has done to embrace the LGBT community stimulating, no pun intended. For those of us who are gender confused we will visit the Out House and thank President Obama personally.”
Hillary Clinton at a campaign stop said, “I look forward to occupying the Out House on January 20th, 2017. Bill, the first black president, and I know how to put America back on track using our gender neutral policies. We are LGBT proud of what the president has done!”
Secretary of the Navy Raymond Edward “Ray” Mabus states in a letter to all Navy personnel:
The U.S. Navy has a long tradition and its own unique terminology.
The ‘head’ aboard a Navy ship is the bathroom. The term comes from the days of sailing ships when the place for the crew to relieve themselves was all the way forward on either side of the bowsprit, the integral part of the hull to which the figurehead was fastened.
With President Obama’s new Executive Order all Navy personnel will stop using ‘head’ and begin using outhouse.
All Navy outhouses will be at the tail, not the head, of our ships, no pun intended.
The Islamic State has created an outhouse for Muslims only (pictured right). Homosexuals, transgenders and the gender confused are forbidden from entering a Muslim outhouse.
An Islamic State spokesman notes:
The Quran specifically forbids sodomy, unless a Muslim is sodomizing a non-Muslim. We reject the infidel President Obama’s effort to create outhouses that are for the gender confused. This is against Islamic law. Mohammed, may peace be upon him, would condemn this as blasphemy against Allah.
If a homosexual, transgender or gender confused person is caught in a Muslim outhouse the punishment is death by throwing them off the roof of the highest building and then stoning them once they hit the ground. Allah Akbar!
The Donald Trump campaign responded to this executive overreach in a short statement:
Americans are not gender confused, if anything Americans are gender realists who embrace science, biology and genetics.
It’s time to cleanup the Out House and Make America Great Again, where men are men and women are women.
God, guns and gender rule!
EDITORS NOTE: This political satire originally appeared in the Bed, Bath and Beyond Gender magazine.